


Welcome to Afterlife

by PenMasterShepard



Series: Welcome to Life [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-22
Updated: 2016-04-09
Packaged: 2018-05-02 20:14:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 112,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5261987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PenMasterShepard/pseuds/PenMasterShepard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In a world without Reapers, but where Jane Shepard has sacrificed herself for the common good, our protagonists rebuild very different, but oh so familiar, lives. Part 2 of Welcome to Life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

Liara T’Soni looked down at her desk, hot mug of tea steaming next to the framed document:

University of Serrice

Planet Thessia

hereby confers upon

Liara T'Soni

the degree

Doctor of Philosophy

Archeology

with all the rights, privileges, and honours thereto appertaining.

 

She smiled. _Finally,_ she thought. Years of hard work, dry – and wet – digs, loneliness, injuries, and late nights had finally come to fruition. _Doctor_ Liara T’Soni, _I like that._ She just wished Shepard were here so they could finally, _oh, what did she say? ‘Play doctor for real, Doctor’?_ She opened her Omni-tool and quickly snapped a picture, forwarding it to her parents, before writing an email to Jane, with a personal message alongside the photo:

 

TO: J. SHEPARD

FROM: L. T’SONI

SUBJECT: The Doctor is In

But, she would like you in her…

Come home quick.

I will be waiting with my lab coat on… and nothing else.

Xoxo

-       _Dr._ L

 

She smiled again and sipped her tea, running her hand along the smooth glass that covered her doctorate. Her Omni-tool pinged and she saw a reply from her father:

_That’s my girl; your mother is crying her eyes out in the kitchen, babe. But it’s tears of joy this time. We’ve always been proud of you, Little Wing. When you bringing your lover-girl for another visit? We don’t have to bring trees inside for every human holiday, right?_

_Love you, doll – Dad_

Liara covered her certificate with the soft cloth it had come wrapped in and heard her Omni-tool ping again. Expecting a reply from Shepard she frowned when she saw it was her email, bounced back. She sent it again and drained her tea; she was surprised she hadn’t heard from Jane since she had picked up Aria on Omega. The two of them had spent the night partying at Afterlife, and Liara had been woken by several messages during the night, each making less and less sense:

_You up?_

**_Barely. It is late here._ **

_Aria is doing shots again; I keep telling her we have an early flight._

A picture of a shot glass balanced precariously between asari breasts.

**_As long as it is my blue cleavage you come back to, have fun Jane._ **

_Is actualy not to bad…_

_Omega smells._

_Liara!_

_Helllloooo?_

_U wkae?_

_Im shrunk_

_Funk_

_Drunk_

**_I inferred that… I love you._ **

_I love you, shtryak wdahs ip? pHd yes? Hedalof of achohall_

**_Go to bed, Shepard._ **

 

Liara could understand less than timely communications from her girlfriend, but Aria and Shepard had been due on Sur’Kesh last night; truthfully Liara had expected a late-night vid rendezvous. She had sat in bed, candles burning, Omni-tool and libido at the ready, until she had fallen asleep sitting up. When she had awoken, with a crick in her neck and lingerie stuck up her butt, she had found her doctorate in the mailbox; it had been after eleven and it was the first weekday morning she could remember sleeping through since she had started her studies.

Now, as she put her empty mug in the sink, she debated calling Shepard instead of waiting. She punched Jane’s contact and waited for the ring that never came. Instead a jarring static and the three-toned sound of an uncompleted call blared up at her. _Strange_.

Before she could try again, or dial Aria’s number, there was a buzz at the door and she activated the vid screen; two men in uniform stood on the threshold. She answered the door with a “Yes?”

“We’re with the Systems Alliance, Ma’am, and we’re looking to speak to a Ms. Liara T’Soni.”

_Very strange._

“Come in,” she unlocked the door and waited in the hallway, greeting the men and leading them into the living room. “Would you like tea? I just made some-“

“No, Ma’am, thank you. Are you Ms. Liara T’Soni-”

“Doctor-

“Forgive me, Doctor T’Soni, Ma’am, I am Operations Chief Bennett, and this is Service Chief Fawkes, Systems Alliance Marine Corps.”

“What is this about? If you’re looking for Jane she’s-“

“Can we sit down, Ma’am?”

“I do not need to sit down,” panic was starting to swell in Liara’s chest: uncertainty, a feeling the doctor was not used to experiencing.

“We found you on direction from a Ms. Aria T’Loak, as she was unable to reach you; she is currently in a Salarian hospital with major burns-“

“No, no, you must mean Tevos, uh, Thea Tevos, her bondmate, she’s in the hospital, they’re expecting their first daughter any day now-“ Liara massaged her forehead with her hand,

“Ma’am,” Bennett touched her shoulder lightly, but it felt ice cold to Liara, “Ms. Jane Shepard had you listed as her next of kin, and we regret to inform you that she perished during a civilian ship collision outside of Sur’Kesh airspace…” Liara heard ‘next of kin’ and felt the world swoon, clutched onto the arm of the couch to balance herself.

“No. No, no, you must be mistaken. Shepard is-she is-she said she’d come back…” The asari blue went ashen grey, like a dimming light, and she barely registered the officer’s words.

“…died bravely, saving hundreds of civilian lives…activated the distress beacon and Ms. T’Loak assures us the only reason she survived-“

“No.”

“Liara, did you hear me?”

Then the world went away; a terrible anguished scream split the air and it took her a moment to realize it had come from her.

Liara grasped at her shirt, wringing it in her hands, and harsh breaths - ragged in her ears - shook her shoulders.

“We recovered this from her corpse-“ she spun on Fawkes;

“Do not. Do not call her a-corp- do not…”

_This has to be a dream…_

The tears started to fall, fat and thick, hitting her cheeks, sticking in eyelashes, spilling onto her shirt and the floor, and she pounded on his chest, fists turning into open-hand slaps punctuated by sobs, “Do not. Do not. She is _not_ dead. She _can’t_ be. She promised…” The last word came out in a squeak; her vision swam and she fainted dead away.

She came to on the couch, with Bennett and Fawkes fanning her and making her sip water. Bennett spoke, handing her a tarnished necklace Liara recognized with a sinking feeling,

“This was in Ms. Shepard’s possession, Ma’am.” She sat up and closed her hand around the amber rock hanging off a delicate silver chain: a gift from Shepard during their first Christmas together.

“Thank you, Operations Chief. I apologize for my behaviour…” Fawkes cleared his throat, running his hand through his buzzed hair; so much like Jane’s habit of running her hand along her neck, so much like Liara’s habit of running her hands through those red locks.

“Doctor, we would like to release her bod- _her_ into your custody, unless you would like us to arrange a cremation?”

“No. No cremation – I will be able to claim it within a few days I expect?” They nodded, solemnly.

“Do you have someone to stay with you, Ma’am? A family member or friend we could contact?” _Oh Goddess, my father… my mother… what-how? How am I going to tell them…?_

“Uh, Miranda Lawson, but I assure you I will be fine,” she spoke with a calm voice that didn’t match her boiling insides; turmoil and grey disbelief. “Please, I would like to be alone.” They nodded,

“Here is our contact information, Ma’am – Liara. Ms. Shepard was a fine recruit and we would have welcomed her back with recommendation…”

“Thank you,” she said, absently, her voice was polite but dismissive. They let themselves out and Liara collapsed in the hall, shaking with sobs. Her dry heaving only stopped when the toast and tea she had eaten for breakfast made an appearance on the reflective floor.

 

She cleaned up her mess amongst fresh tears and stumbled to the bedroom, curling up on the top of the blankets, clutching Jane’s pillow to her chest, soaking it in tears. It smelt of her; of cedar and fruity perfume and the smoke from the cigarettes she hadn’t been able to fully give up. Liara couldn’t begin to fathom the no-mores, but they swam around her, dancing along her subconscious - no more laughter in the kitchen and in those green eyes; no more fingers dancing across piano keys and her body; no warm body curled next to hers in this bed and on top of her in passion; no more Jane, no more Shepard, no more kisses or coffee or bad jokes or human idioms or strong hands and her name in that breathy voice, the one when she was so close to pleasure; or future plans, or children…

‘ _We’re going to have so many blue babies,’_ that glint in her eye, like a child, like a jester, like Liara was the only thing in the world she wanted to see.

She trembled, only breathless whimpers escaping her throat, and felt the hot-bile feeling of sorrow. _You promised me,_ she screamed internally, _you promised, Shepard… you were the brave one… you…_ She howled and threw Jane’s pillow across the room, knowing she should call her parents, Aria, Tevos, Miranda, anyone… ‘ _A thousand years, Liara, until the day you die’_ she heard in her head.

_You lied to me, Jane…_

 

Liara didn’t move for a full day. Until hunger and the need to use the bathroom urged her out of their- _her_ -bedroom. She ate a protein bar and went to the restroom and returned to the cocoon she had crafted for herself. She felt like she had cried every drop of moisture out of her system, but her email had bounced back at her again and her body surprised her with a fresh batch of tears. She stayed like that for two days, drifting between crying and sleeping. Every time she woke the loss hit her anew; a minute of blissful ignorance before the memory crashed into her again, her heart searing, her stomach knotting.

Thankfully, she didn’t dream of Shepard.

 

“Liara?” She opened bleary, bloodshot-purple eyes and glanced at the doorway. Miranda Lawson stood in the dim light, _or are my eyes stuck together?_ She thought, not knowing what time it was, what day it was… “Oh, Liara, I came as soon as I could- the conference...” Miranda dropped her overnight bags on the floor and climbed into bed with the asari, clutching her close; Liara felt tears drip on her crest. “Oh, Li… I’m so sorry.”

Miranda coaxed Liara into the kitchen and made her a sandwich, made her drink water and tea, and wrapped a blanket around her as she sat on a stool. Liara’s crest was dull white; flaking, and she hadn’t brushed her teeth in days. She couldn’t remember the last time she washed. Her eyes were murky; more like the storm-grey of an ocean than the bright blue unique to her, and the bags under them were bright purple against her pale blue skin. Her lips felt chapped and sore.

“Maybe they are wrong, Miri, maybe… she was just in Omega, with Aria; they had dinner and drinks, and dancers…” she held her head in her hands, breaking down again. Miranda came to her and held her up, rubbing her back. “Oh Goddess, I have to go claim her-her body…”

“I’ll do it…” Miranda kissed her on the temple and pulled the blanket back onto her shoulders from where it had slipped. “Liara, you’re coming to our place; it’s not healthy for you to be alone.”

“Okay.”

 

Miranda was true to her word and had Liara packed and at her apartment within the hour. She left Liara in her wife’s company, shooting Jack a dangerous look of warning, and went about the business of death. She returned a few hours later to an empty kitchen. She called into the darkened apartment and saw a note from Jack on the counter:

 

_Princess,_

_Had to go into work; it was an emergency._

_An emergency, Jack? Really?_ She thought. _What, college students can’t find their own booze? Jesus…_

_T’Soni assured me she was getting in the bath and heading to bed._

_Love ya, sugar lips_

 

Miranda followed a faint mumbling noise to the bathroom door and knocked before opening it a crack; Liara was in the tub but her Omni-tool was open on the toilet lid, with a holo of Shepard playing on it: singing at a piano. Liara was weeping again. Obviously an old vid, Jane was singing Christmas carols, with that crooked grin on her face, eyes bright even in the weird orange holo colour. “Liara…” Miranda gently shut it off and sat on the seat.

Liara met her gaze, “Jack made me a drink so I would relax… and it was the same hot drink Shepard made me at your party and-“ she choked back a sob, “and… how am I going to go on without her, Miri? I cannot even fathom Christmas without her… how am I going to live my whole life without her?” Miranda sat next to the tub and held Liara’s hand.

She honestly didn’t know how to answer her. “We’ll figure it out, Liara…”

Liara retired to the spare room as the streetlights outside were coming on. She coiled into herself, admittedly feeling better for being clean, but the hollow, gut-punch feeling never leaving. She had promised Miranda she would not listen to any more of Shepard’s songs.

But she had lied.

She turned the volume down on her Omni-tool and opened a recording of Jane playing at the University coffee house; a song she had written for Liara. Burying herself in the bed like a little girl, sheets over her head, blocking out the world, in here it could be just Shepard and herself. In here she could close her eyes and pretend.

_‘…And all our moments, good and bad, forever in my head_

_Wish we could go back just once and laugh at things we said…’_

She closed her eyes and imagined Shepard was sitting with her guitar in her lap - in the living room where they had fallen in love, faced a looming pregnancy, fought, made up and made love – playing only for her.

 

_‘It's been wonderful and crazy knowing you_

_And I hope that I can always see the teenage girl in you_

_And I know that you'll be fine, but I'll be there every time_

_You need someone to say hi to late at night.’_

_No you won’t, Shepard. I thought you would be… forever._

She replayed their last conversation in her head.

_I love you… Oh Jane, I loved you so much… Oh Goddess, at least I told you even if I did not tell you enough._

_I always will, Shepard…_

She fell asleep with Shepard’s voice – the only version of it she had left – in her ears.

 

Liara awoke in a strange bed, with a pillow that didn’t smell like her Shepard, Omni-tool still playing softly next to her head. It was just after midnight, and a strange idea had forced her awake. She padded down the hall on bare feet and listened at the bedroom door for awake-noises. She pushed it open softly and stood over black hair sticking out of blankets, gently nudging Miranda awake. “Liara? Honey, are you okay?” Jack grumbled in her sleep and threw a tattooed arm over eyes.

“Fix her.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Absolutely did NOT write the lyrics (in italics in the chapter) the copyright for this great tune is as follows: 
> 
> BETTENS, SARAH  
> Copyright: Double T Music


	2. Chapter 2

"Subject is a female human. Extensive damage to corpse present, identity confirmed as one Jane Shepard… deceased. Cause of death is directly resulting from a ship collision in interstellar space. Subject’s hardsuit was damaged as a result of the explosion that expelled subject from the wreckage; preliminary examinations of the body suggest subject survived ship’s destruction. However, the suit’s pressure seals were compromised, and it is hypothesized that Shepard… that subject suffocated to death in space before reentry, where the hardsuit evidently burnt up.” Miranda paused her vid recording, thanking God she had won out over Liara’s driven quest to be part of the Lazarus team. This was hard enough for her, let alone for Shepard’s girlfriend; Miranda found when she slipped and called Shepard by her name she inevitably had to stop her logs for the day. Today she pressed on; Liara was counting on her, and much more work had to be done, although the body on the slab outside was by leaps and bounds more recognizable than the body she had claimed.

 _Her eyes were gone…_ she remembered. _Just red craters, sunken in…_

_Miranda had nodded silently when Bennett had asked if she was ready to claim the body. The stasis pod hadn’t been keeping Shepard alive, there was no doubt the woman was dead: it was impossible to tell where Shepard’s hardsuit ended and her flesh began, it was all one dark, charred mess, skin blackened and split open like a roast pig. Half of her left leg crushed, fingers seemed to be dangling at strange angles in her gloves. She seemed to have shrunk, all moisture and robust muscle gone._

_“We have to open her helmet,” Fawkes moved to release the already decompressed breather helmet. Miranda took a deep breath and looked down at what was left of her friend’s pale face. Most of it was intact, her helmet protecting her features from any damage. The exceptions were her eyes; blood vessels had burst, turning green to muddy red, and they had recessed into her head after days of decomposing. Miranda’s breath came in shallow, fast pulses, but she turned away and nodded to the officers again._

_“Would you like us to transfer her to a particular mortuary?” She pinched the bridge of her nose and shook her head,_

_“I don’t know… no. I don’t know what Liara wants… ship her to the Biology Department at the University of Serrice. I’ll deal with it from there.”_

 

_“Liara, are you insane?” They had sat up at the dining room table, drinking hot choloate – and then vodka – until the winter sun had begun to rise._

_“Fix her, Miranda. I know you can…” Miranda’s forehead was resting in her fingers, eyes on the table. “You’re already doing your dissertation on new technologies in cell regeneration, so_ fix her _.”_

_“Liara, it’s not that simple. Something like this… it just simply can’t be done,”_

_“Yes it can.” Miranda took another shot and added it to her now-cold hot chocolate, spun her wedding band around on her finger absently._ What if it was Jack? _She thought._

_“Liara, the cost, the people involved – maybe if we had a whole division, or I was part of the Alliance… but, we’re a university biology lab- we’re lucky we get fresh specimens to dissect.”_

_“Exactly, think of the possibilities for you and the professors. Your names will be all over the galaxy-“_

_“-_ If _we succeed, which we wouldn’t…”_

_“Bring her back… I cannot let her go, Miri.”_

_“I need to run some tests, check for viability…”_

_So she had put Jane’s body back in stasis, and researched, and conducted tests: Scans showed fracture bones, more splinter than skeleton, a heart which was pale and lifeless, like meat left in the sun. There were giant gaps where bones should be, where nerves and veins and arteries should run like a transit system; like someone had taken an eraser or chainsaw to the picture - every rib obliterated, every limb crushed; but a brain that had been protected by that blessed helmet._

_The spark of ingenuity had taken over…_

_Once a sound proposal had been drafted she went to her PhD supervisor and explained._

_“Absolutely ridiculous – dead tissue is dead, no revitalizing dead, no no.”_

_“Professor Solus – Mordin – just read my proposal, please…”_

_His call had come three days later. “Has to be us, must be careful; someone else might get it wrong… found funding, will commence next month.”_

_Except Liara had wanted to be part of the team._

_A blue blast of biotics narrowly missed Miranda’s head, smashing the glass front on her cupboard. She bit the inside of her cheek to stop her own biotics from emerging; “Liara. Stop.”_

_“How could you? You denied my application?”_

_“Liara, sit down.”_

_“I will not.” Miranda had thrown her hands up, turning around and beginning to toe glass into a pile._

_“I am not arguing with you about this; my decision is final.” Liara practically snarled, throwing another blast her way, and spitting venom_

_“Who is the doctor here?” Miranda spun on her._

_“Enough! Not only did your little board meeting almost get Lazarus cancelled, a fact which I decided not to tell you, but it was deceitful. The Board is need-to-know for this, Liara, and you almost blew that.” Liara made a small noise, her biotics fading. “Do you know what space does to a body? Do you know how small the chances are we can pull this off? And, to top it all off, I had the Alliance up my ass when_ they _were notified that the project was in jeopardy; almost had our funding cut. Jesus, what were you thinking?”_

_“I… I do not know. I just-I cannot sit on my hands, Miranda.”_

_Miranda shook her slowly, “Liara, I’ve seen Shepard. You do not need to-please, trust me.”_

_“I cannot let her go…”_

 

 _What if she’s not the same?_ Miranda thought, gazing out the partition window at the stark-white medical room where what was to be Shepard lay covered in wires and tubes and bandages. Tiny drills worked their way into corroded flesh, through ash bone, and implanted miracles into arteries and veins that looked like burnt out fireworks, like charred logs; miniscule needles injecting life into bloodstreams that had dried up like drought-ridden riverbeds. Robotic arms, their gears churning, working around the clock, lifting, transferring, injecting: healing. Replacement parts and limbs were grown in vats, and harvested, and cybernetic metal plates were grafted into sternum and hip and shoulder and skull, and a thousand other places, as flesh took on a pale pink, and used scalpels and scrapers and clamps began to drip blood instead of coming away smeared in greasy slag.

“Physical reconstruction of subject is complete, but we still need to evaluate all mental and neurological functions; the same mind, same morals, the same personality. If we alter her identity in any way, if she’s somehow not the woman she used to be…” Miranda turned off her log and debated calling Liara, telling her the woman she loved at least looked human again.

 _Not yet. ‘Has to be perfect,’_ she heard Mordin chime in her head.

 

And then one day a heart began to beat.

 

Miranda tapped out a quick message on her Omni-tool:

_She’s alive; she’s breathing._

 

 

“There, on the monitor. Something’s wrong.”

“Reacting to outside stimuli – showing awareness for surroundings, not good, not conducive with survival. Have to correct it.”

Shepard heard her own harsh breathing in her ears - even but panicked _._ Blinding white light filled her eyes before she narrowed them; piercing light, like glass in her brain. She turned her head, expecting to see the vastness of space, but took in blurring forms, the metallic figures of machines and tubes and beeping, pumping, machines.

“Oh my god, Mordin, I think she’s waking up. Damnit, she’s not ready yet. Give her the sedative.”

Her breathing came rapid now, zero to sixty, and a dull memory of floating hit her, panic setting in. _Where am I-? What? Liara…_

“Shepard, don’t try to move.” _Something about that voice… Miranda?_ She tried to sit up, reach up, despite the bleary figure’s instructions, but her vision swam in and out. “Just lie still. Try to stay calm.” She began to hyperventilate; heard the machines around her begin to blare warning whistles and bells, heard her heart monitor start to get faster and faster –

“Heart rate still climbing. Brain activity off the charts…”

She heard the thumping of blood in her ears and she began to feel the cotton feeling of passing out as her monitor flat lined.

_Beep beep beep beep-beep-beep-beep-beeee---_

“Stats pushing into red zone; not working!”

“Another dose, now.”

 _…Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep._ Steady now.

Her vision tunneled and she was out.

 

“That was close, we almost lost her,” Miranda kicked a metal waste container across the room with heeled toes. “We _cannot_ lose her. I made a promise.”

“…and your PhD is riding on it, and the funding…” she turned to the door where a new deep voice drew her.

“Captain Anderson, sir.”

“Ms. Lawson, Dr. Solus.”  

“No access to this lab, have to leave-“

“Mordin, go get us some drinks,” somewhere along the way Miranda had become the de facto director of this operation; the captain of a sinking ship was what it felt like currently.

“Shepard is alive?” The Captain strode to Jane’s side but kept his distance, didn’t touch; he grabbed a pair of pliers, turning them around in his hand, carelessly. His crisp Alliance navy blues were the most colourful thing in the room. “When will she be ready?”

“There is no timeline, currently, Sir; please don’t touch that.” Miranda took the tool from him and put it in the sterilization pod.

“Ms. Lawson, the cost of this project is astronomical-“

“Over four billion credits so far, I am aware. Sir.”

“Well, good work, Lawson. I’ll expect to be made _aware_ when Shepard is field-worthy. I expect to the be the first call you make.”

 _Small chance of that,_ she thought, _perhaps the second…_

He turned at the door, brushing past Mordin in the frame, “Miranda. I’m sorry I have to be such a hardass about this… you’re doing a wonderful thing… I took a shine to Jane here, when she was in boot. Good work.”

“Sir,” but she smiled as she went back to her readings.

 

The deep red couch creaked as black leather clad legs shifted on it, a tiny squirming child wiggling in her father’s lap. At almost two Liselle was just starting to babble and grasp at things, like her father’s jacket collar and crest. “Ow! Christ, get this kid off of me,” Liselle stuck out her bottom lip, white strip running up its length, and it began to tremble. Aria rubbed her tiny back, “Oh, Daddy didn’t mean it. Daddy loves you,” Aria rubbed her forehead with her hand, bouncing her daughter on her knee to circumvent tears, while she shifted through resumes.

Liselle’s birth, while unusual as her father had welcomed her from an adjacent hospital bed while recovering from burns, was as peaceful as birth could be: Thea glowed with the tiny purple bundle on her chest while Aria pretended not to cry from her prone position. Nothing about her had been easy since.

_“She’s more T’Loak than Tevos,” Thea’s uncles and cousins remarked in their matter of fact Salarian way._

_“That’s not entirely how it works…” She had replied, Liselle at her breast. But she had stared down at the strong jaw and jagged markings along her daughter’s cheekbones and blushed. Although they were white, they were all Aria. At least she had inherited Thea’s complex eyebrow markings; a perpetually angry looking baby would have been unnerving._

Liselle looked up at her father with eyes that were just beginning to fade from the constant black of the meld asari infants carried, being constantly connected to their mother’s consciousness, and low and behold: purple; darker than Aria’s violet, but certainly not the emerald green of her mother either.

 _Maybe there is something to be said for whom we randomize our genetics with…_ Thea thought, not for the first time. _Maybe I just wanted it so bad…_

“No. None of these…” Aria held up the datapad, “a vorcha? Really? What, he’s going to eat her so no one else will hurt her? And, look, a goddamned hanar… ‘This one would be most grateful to watch your child,’ ” she chucked the datapad at her batarian guard. “I might as well let you watch her… where did you get these?”

“Everyone wants to protect the Princess of Omega…actually Aria, I think Bray is fantastic with Liselle,” Tevos replied. Aria glared.

“Fuck.”

“-Uck!” Liselle chimed and Tevos shot her bondmate a scathing look. Thea sighed and lifted her daughter to her chest, where Liselle quieted down and stared up in wonder at the multicoloured lights and gyrating dancers of Afterlife. “We will need to find a nanny soon, love. She’s getting too old to be spending her time in a strip club…” Aria stretched and rose, wrapping an arm around Tevos’ waist and kissing her daughter’s soft crest,

“Heard from T’Soni?” she asked, watching the bar below the loft where she conducted business.

“Not since she left for Chasca; nor from Miranda…” They left the true nature of the conversation, Shepard – Lazarus – unspoken.

 

Liara was dreaming. Her eyelids fluttered and she kicked her legs in her sleeping bag, sweat drenching her sleepwear. She let out a small noise, on the verge of waking.

_Jane’s hands were on her, pale and freckled but burning, making her skin tingle and buzz with the electricity of unquenched desire._

_…All the craving and longing she had been afraid of peaked as Shepard gently let her weight down and ran her hand along Liara’s thigh. Liara ran her hand across Shepard’s breast, collarbone, shoulder; she slid across Jane’s leg, painting her skin with wetness, feeling Jane’s reaction against her.Wisps of biotic energy danced around them. _

Oh Goddess, yes.

_She used her sinewy strength to roll them over, lifting Liara into her arms; breasts pressed together, hands wrapped around backs. A needy whimper tore from Liara’s lips as she felt herself getting impossibly wet, her nerves in flames, and her skin radiating want…_

_Moans and whispers ripped at the quiet night; Liara couldn’t control the high-pitched noises coming from her own mouth. Thighs were pressed into wet places…_

_She broke down and fisted Jane’s hair, pulling fiercely._ By the Goddess, yes, touch me.

_“Shepard!”_

_Liara is bucking under her, hands drumming on Jane’s back, her head tossing from side to side, rising into her touch,_

_“I love you, Shepard.”_

_“I love you too, Liara.”_

_“Show me.”_

_And she is inside Liara and Liara is inside Jane, and they’re forehead-to-forehead, rocking up to meet her every thrust._ I never thought it would be like this-

“Yes. Goddess.”

_“Liara-Liara-Liara,” whispering her name. Limbs shaking, trembling, her hips firmly matching Shepard’s movements inside of her: curling, thrusting, stretching, soaring._

_A string of asari words left her lips, mixed with Shepard’s name and keening cries…_

_“Ah, ah, oh Goddess,”_

Shepard, I don’t know…

I can’t believe I’m the first…

I want you, oh God-

I’m-

Darling-

To- Oh

Don’t be afraid-

Everyday, Shepard.

How could it be me…

I thought I’d never

I didn’t know it would be like-

I love you

Never

I will be brave for you

A thousand years, Liara, for as long as you live

Forever…

 

She awoke with a whimper and a sharp breath; she had been dreaming of Jane again; of the first time they made love, again. Liara saw the early-morning light filtered through the wall of her tent, felt her shirt stick to her back when she sat up, sighing. _Oh, Jane…_

Almost two years hadn’t brought her any closer to closure, the pain had just receded into the background of her life, became her everyday; like her eyebrow markings or her freckles, or her blue eyes, it was something she simply lived with. But then she dreamt of Shepard and the pain was raw, like a burn in her throat, acid in her chest.

“Dr. T’Soni, it is time to wake,” her info drone floated into the tent, the door sliding open to let him – _it,_ she corrected herself – in.

“Thank you, Glyph,” she stretched and went to her water basin, splashing freezing water on her face and patting it off with a towel. Chasca certainly got cold overnight – cold enough that she usually had to crack the crust of ice over the water in her basin each morning. The fact that she hadn’t had to this morning signaled summer’s approach; at least in this hemisphere, on this out-of-the-way planet.

She pulled on khaki field clothes – the same khaki field clothes she had been wearing for three months now, washed perhaps twice – and slipped a bandana over her head, around her neck; the dust storms in the desert could choke you.

 _I wish we could be on the other side of this damn planet,_ she thought of the lush jungles and sweeping vistas she had seen on the flight in. Her passion for digging out and cataloging Prothean artifacts had dulled somewhat over the last two years – an inevitable side product of knowing somewhere out there Shepard could be…

She opened her Omni-tool, looked at the day’s goals, and saw an unread message:

_She’s alive; she’s breathing._

Her eyes went wide and instantly filled with tears, the hollow in her stomach that she had lived with for so long suddenly seeming to fill. _By the Goddess… Jane._

She didn’t know what to do with herself, was suddenly desperate to be back on Thessia; to be there when – _if_ \- Shepard woke. “Glyph,”

“Yes, Doctor T’Soni?”

“Let the team know I will be 15 minutes late this morning.”

“Yes, Doctor T’Soni.”

She sat on her cot and cried into her small pillow, imagining she could smell Jane on it. _Goddess, Shepard…_

In her head she heard Jane’s laugh, as if she was in the next room.

_‘Don’t be afraid…’_


	3. Chapter 3

Thea gave the turian a nod of her head as she passed him on the stairs, murmuring out of the side of her mouth: “take a break, if you would be so kind.” She pushed a credit chit into his scaly palm and he looked down at it then back to her,

“Ma’am.”

“Take Anto with you.” He holstered his weapon and gazed nervously up at the platform above, “leave her to me, Grizz.”

She took the stairs one at a time, thankful her dress wouldn’t let her give into the urge to bolt up them, and paused at the lip of the stage-like office – saw Aria leaning on the railing as she surveyed her club, her now infamous white leather jacket reflecting the dancing red lights. It was sporting a new addition: a squared-off ‘O’ split by a line so much like the one that split Aria’s chin and bottom lip; wonderfully self-absorbed. _She just fits here…_ Tevos tipped her head to the side and thought back to their not-so distant past – that the only thing that ever tore them apart could be the same thing that made all of this possible… She smiled at her unaware bondmate.

“See something you like?” _Not so unaware bondmate._

“Perhaps…” Tevos closed the distance between them and sat on the couch that filled the space.

“I believe I am going to have to have a little talk with the hired help about _bribes_ ,”

“We have an hour until we have to pick Liselle up…” Thea leaned back against the leather of the couch as Aria slunk into her lap, hiking up her dress before straddling her. “I left her with Bray,” Aria narrowed her eyes, stopping just short of kissing Tevos.

“Thea…”

“Aria, you are going to have to learn to let go of some control, eventually,” a dark purple hand ran up the seam of her pants as punctuation. Aria pulled air in through her nose, trying to maintain her composure,

“Here? Tevos, I didn’t know you were such an exhibitionist…” She ran her tongue along the grooves of Thea’s ear, that wicked hand still driving her to distraction.

“Well, I do miss my office at Serrice…” Aria bit down on the pulse point of her neck, drawing a strangled whimper. It had been a long time since they had been so luxurious with their time; a newborn wasn’t conducive to romance. “Might as well break your _office_ in…” She began to undo buckles on Aria’s corset while Aria continued kissing her – along her jaw line, up her cheekbones, across her neck. A snap of biotics tore Thea’s dress down the middle, revealing the soft, full breasts of a nursing mother.

“Oh, I’m going to miss these…” Aria breathed into her cleavage, running her tongue there as well. “And, if you would let me have this couch in the house we could have broken it in much sooner…”

“Not on your life, _Ms. T’Loak_ -ah!” Aria had pressed a hand between them, up under Thea’s dress, and had found her enflamed. Wet.

“No underwear, _tsk-tsk_ , what would the Matriarchs think?”

“If they don’t want me involved in politics they’re going to have to find a much better reason than my sex life… _oh._ ” Aria slid inside her, curling up, and Tevos tore her jacket and corset off. Aria let them both fall; her protectiveness of the garment had lessened a little once Liselle had made a habit of spitting up on it.

“Even though you’re bonded to a criminal?” She began to thrust, slowly, pressing her now exposed breasts against Thea’s.

“Aria… _oh Goddess, yes_ ,”

“You’re right: we’ll talk about it later.”

 

 

_She’s awake._

She had read those fateful words a week ago, had been on this very spot - more hole than excavated trench at that point - when her Omni-tool buzzed and she glanced down at the phrase she had never expected to see.

 _Liara had dropped her tools and had staggered, actually swooned, before pressing a hand to the cool dirt surrounding her._ By the Goddess… it cannot be… _She had pulled herself up and out of the hole, her chest swelling, her pulse pounding in her ears, and sprinted to her tent._ Jane… _a light, golden feeling overtook her as she opened her comm-console, frantically dialing Serrice; Miranda didn’t even say hello, just a toothy grin greeted her, and Liara swore those eyes were shining with tears._

_“We did it, Li…”_

_Her stomach filled with a tight, skittering giddiness she hadn’t felt in years._

_“Can I?”_

_“No; not yet. She’s groggy, doesn’t know where she is, but she’s awake, she’s stable, and she’s asking for you…”_

_“Oh thank the Goddess! No – thank_ you, _Miri…” Liara began to cry as Miranda looked off screen, waving away the compliment; there would be plenty of time for that._

_“Listen, Liara, I’m sorry, but I have to go. I have some calls to make, and, well Jane is going to need a lot of care for the next little while…”_

_“I will be there within the week-“_

_“No. Not yet. Again, I’m sorry, Liara, but we have to make sure she’s ready before we put any stressors on her. There is going to be an extensive physiotherapy regime, and neurological testing, psychology…” Liara narrowed her eyes, her heart rate finally slowing._ After two years she could wait another few weeks, but…

 _“You are not telling me something, Miranda.”_ Why am I not allowed to be reunited with the only thing that has kept me going?

_“Nothing, Li. I swear, I wish I could snap my fingers and have you here; it’s just procedure and…” Miranda wouldn’t meet her gaze._

_“Okay, Miri. Okay.”_ I’ll be patient. For now.

 

Liara rubbed dirt off her forehead and passed the stone tablet up to her student and out of the trench. There were blue trails running down her face, the sweat cutting through the mud smeared over her features. _No one ever said archeology was glamorous,_ she thought, crouching and gently tapping hard-packed sand off the second tablet, still embedded in the rock. They weren’t even Prothean, most likely quarian; but a find was a find and it kept her mind off Shepard.

“Ms. Harrow, please pass me the stiff brush,” she called up, reaching her hand up and over the trench and waiting for the familiar feeling of the wooden handle in her palm. A cold metallic tool hit her hand and she frowned, _good help is so hard to find,_ she thought, sounding too much like her mother for her own comfort.

“This one?” Liara’s head snapped up; she knew that voice: the voice she had died a little every day not hearing.

“Shepard?”

 

 

“Shepard? Jane? Jane, can you hear me? If you can hear me, try to squeeze my hand.” Shepard felt underwater. Her eyelids fluttered and she groaned; her body hurt all over, every inch hot poker sore and dull aches. She squeezed the hand in hers.

“Where am I?” She croaked out, coughing at the scratchiness in her throat, “Liara?”

“It’s Miranda, Jane. You’ve been in an accident-“

“Where’s Liara?” She opened her eyes and tried to sit up; got dizzy, slumping back down on the too-hard pillow.

“Shepard, you will see her soon. Tell me, what is the last thing you remember?”

Shepard slowly swung her legs over the bed, with closed eyes to avoid another dizzy spell, and righted herself before meeting Miranda Lawson’s gaze.

“Hey, where am I? An accident? What’s going on…?” Miranda put a hand on her shoulder, shining a bright light in one eye, then the other,

“Yes, an accident – Jane… There’s no other way to really explain this, so I’m going to come right out and tell you: you died.”

Shepard laughed, and that seemed to break something in Miranda, who hugged her, fiercely. Jane stiffened, taken aback for a moment, “Uh, Miranda?”

“I’m sorry, Shepard, it’s just, well, you _were_ dead. Your ship collided with another; you were dead as dead could be. We spent the last two years putting you back together; God, Liara is going to-“

“ _Two years_?” Jane reeled backwards, supporting her weight on throbbing arms, she felt like she was going to be sick. Then she was, all over the floor, some of it splashing onto her friend’s boots.

“This must be a lot to take in…” Miranda glanced down with a barely contained look of disgust, then back at Jane with an apology in her eyes. “Sorry, I don’t blame you for that, it’s just… gross.”

Shepard actually laughed, “You’re telling me you put me back together and you’re grossed out by my puke?” Miranda shrugged, grabbing Jane’s arm and rotating shoulder joints, wrists, elbows. Did the same with her dangling legs. Shepard flexed all her digits for her, mind going a mile a minute: _I remember fire, then blackness… Liara’s eyes… Damnit, nothing else. Jesus, two-_ “Two years… that’s impos- I’m having trouble wrapping my head around this…”

“You were comatose, or worse, for most of it. Welcome back to your life.”

“Liara… is she?” Miranda smiled,

“She’s the one who convinced me to do this; take on the insanity of resurrecting Shepard…” She put her multi-tool down on the metal tray next to Shepard’s bed and sat next to her. Jane’s eyes had taken on a glossy look and she stared at the far wall. _Two years… what if she doesn’t-_  
“I’m a goddamned zombie; more like welcome to the afterlife. How bad…? I mean…”

“The damage was far worse than we originally feared: in addition to the expected burns and internal injuries, you had suffered significant cellular breakdown due to long-term exposure to vacuum and sub-zero temperature.” Shepard nodded slowly as Miranda explained; the University, Mordin, Liara’s begging her to bring her back, Aria’s survival, Liselle… she blew her breath out in a slow stream. _Man… I just-missed everything…_ It felt like she had gone to sleep in Omega and woken up the next morning, albeit a little worse for wear, but she had missed everything…

She tried to get off the bed and collapsed, her legs giving out under her. _Fucking Jesus…_  
“We expected you would have some muscle loss, so we made sure to exercise your body regularly, but it is still not used to supporting your weight; you’re going to have quite the P &T regime.” Jane groaned from the floor, clawing her way back onto the bed, shaking away Miranda’s assistance. She remembered when she had hurt her knee playing softball back on Earth, remembered the pain and torture sessions that had come with that.

“Great.”

Miranda pressed a buzzer next to the bed and spoke over the system, “Dr. Solus to the Lazarus lab.”

“Lazarus? Funny, Miranda…” Shepard furrowed her brow but Miranda held up her hand in a ‘just wait’ motion. A tall Salarian entered the lab in a flurry, his lab coat billowing behind him.

“Awake, excellent. Have to do tests, can’t wait; ensure subject is in top form.”

“Shepard, meet Dr. Mordin Solus, the only reason you are breathing,” Mordin waved that away and began to probe at Jane, who resigned to laying back down and accepted the intrusion.

“Ms. Lawson not entirely truthful – joint effort – myself, Lawson, Alliance-“

“The Alliance?”

Miranda sighed, pinching her nose and brushing her hair out of her face,

“Yes. Lazarus was funded by the Systems Alliance, Shepard. You’re a… guinea pig of sorts,”

“And a worthy one,” Captain Anderson strode through the door, arms outstretched, “Shepard.”

“Sir,” Jane almost saluted from her horizontal position; she had liked Anderson quite a bit in basic. She couldn’t believe he was here, standing in front of her.

“No flexing - will skew results,” Jane blushed.

“Look at you, Shepard. You were nothing more than meat and tubes when I first saw you – anyone else would have put you in a coffin, but these two were different, invested two years into you.” Miranda mouthed ‘Liara’ at Shepard and winked.

“Two years, twelve days,” Mordin chimed, continuing to poke Jane with various sharp objects.

“So, this was like cloning? Cybernetics?” She felt like her whole world was upside down, like this was all an elaborate joke. _Or better yet, I’m asleep on Omega, some batarian bartender poisoned me and I’m slowly dying in a filthy alleyway with Aria getting sick next to me…_

“You’re not a clone, no, we could have done that in half the time; you’re all you, simply enhanced; the whole point was to bring you back – just you.” Anderson shook Jane’s hand as she sat up, finally free of the Salarian’s torment.

“Why?” She asked. Miranda closed her eyes and turned away.

“Because I noticed you, Jane,” Shepard didn’t think Anderson had ever called her that before, “You have potential; that fire that can make someone willing to follow you into hell itself,”

“She’s not a hero, David, not a bloody icon…” Miranda went to the other side of the room with a stiff walk. Shepard followed her with her eyes and mentally put a to-do on her list; ask Miranda what was really going on.

“She could be,” he turned to Jane, “– you will be, Shepard. You’re being reenlisted.”


	4. Chapter 4

“Shepard?” Liara’s voice came out barely above a whisper, breathy, and Jane felt like she could die. _Again_. As Liara’s face - covered in grime and dust, eyes wide - turned up to hers, she grinned.

“I’d help you up, but…” She shrugged; motioning to the cane she was leaning on, before running her hand along the back of her neck. Tears started to well in her eyes despite the grin; _it only felt like two weeks, for me… but for her…_

“Shepard…” Liara stared up at her for what felt for forever and Jane leaned down, outstretched hand offering help; _Cane be damned._ “Goddess…” She took her hand and scrambled up the side of the trench in a daze, falling into Shepard’s arms; those strong arms wrapping around her neck and shoulders, blue arms clutching around a torso thinner than she remembered, gripping her like she would disappear at any moment - an oasis, turning into sand and blowing away between her fingers. A brow furrowed in grief-turned-comfort, strained and tucked into the hollow of her shoulder; wetness there from those eyes that had haunted Shepard.

“I missed you, T’Soni…” She smelled of sweat and earth, but under it, Liara: candy, cardamom and something spicy.

“Jane. _Goddess_ , Jane… I couldn’t-I couldn’t let you go.” They drew apart enough to see the other’s face; _her hair is longer,_ Liara thought, finally smiling. Jane put her hands on Liara’s hips, drawing her in for a slow kiss that tasted like sand and dirt and coffee breath and home; Liara sobbed into her mouth, gripping her shoulder blades and shaking. She stepped back and ran her hands over Shepard’s face, over and over, the pads of her fingers tracing the love she had lost; new scars replaced the old, but it was Shepard. _It’s really her… It really worked._ She ran blue fingers through red hair and nearly fainted, breathing in Shepard’s smell for what felt like the first time.

“And I love you for it.” Liara shook harder and took her hand, leading her to the tent she called home.

All the heartbreak, anxiety, gut-wrenching fear, and loneliness couldn’t compare to the sheer joy of seeing Shepard again. Liara watched her as she limped back to her tent; hand in her own, pace slower than she was used to. Shepard saw her seeing and grinned that mischievous grin that made Liara’s heart burst. _So many things I thought I missed about her, and in five minutes she’s reminded me of the all the things I simply took for granted._ “I’m a little banged up is all, honey,” Jane said, hobbling along. “I’ve only had a week or so of therapy; but I’ll be back to normal – better than normal, actually, if what they tell me is true…” Liara opened the door to her tent and motioned for Jane to enter – she locked it behind them. Her mind reeled, her heart raced, she didn’t know where to look first: Shepard’s hands, pale and freckled, and so strong; her face, with those green eyes that seemed to lilt, and those strange new glowing scars; her hair – _Oh Goddess, her hair_ – auburn-red, that sometimes had the slow-burn of autumn, sometimes blazed like an inferno; her muscular arms, shoulders, legs; that laugh; those eyes again… Liara sat down on her cot and stared at her in wonder. _Two years, Jane… I­-_ “I never thought I’d see you again…” She managed to stammer through a thick tongue and dry mouth, waiting for Jane to join her. She did, one leg straight out in front of her, the heel of her boot cocked up at an angle. Shepard pulled her tight into her with one arm around her shoulder; Liara breathed in her scent again. The tears never stopped flowing.

“So… I died. About that…” Liara smiled, watery and sob-filled, and laughed, smacking her on the hand.

“Oh, Goddess, I do not know where to begin… it’s been two years… _two years,_ Shepard…”

“Not for me.” Liara closed her eyes and sighed, nodding.

“Yes, I suppose you are right,” she snuggled into the crook of her arm, trying to stifle her crying. Jane lifted her chin with a finger,

“Hey. Hey, it’s all right, I’m here,” she kissed her, softly, but moaned into her taste. Liara stiffened and then melted, unable to help it.

“But you weren’t – you weren’t for so long… -it will just take some getting used to. Goddess, I am being so foolish: I have dreamt of this day for so long and now that it is here I cannot properly enjoy it.” She made a strangled noise of frustration, “I love you, Shepard. I never stopped loving you; I could not live without you…” Jane didn’t reply, just held her closer. Her own mind spun: it all seemed like a strange dream, an elaborate prank, a fiction created by an overtaxed brain – _Except it’s not. I was really gone. I really left her… alone. I broke my promise…_

“It’s Doctor T’Soni now, isn’t it?” She broke the almost-content silence,

“Oh! Yes… I actually received my doctorate the same day they told me… well, never mind. It is not a great memory, is all.”

“Oh.” A strained silence; _I’ve marred everything for her…_ “Well I’m proud of you.”

“Thank you, Shepard.”

“Your Dad still doing well? Try to convince you to find another, or…?”

“Aethyta is fine, as is Benezia. They, uh, don’t know about Lazarus…” almost to herself: “I guess I will have to rectify that now.”

They sat, next to each other but miles – years – apart; only their body warmth connected.  

“So… what else is new?” She tried not to laugh at the ridiculousness; had to clench her teeth with that cheeky grin on her face, fighting to get through. She hadn’t meant it to be funny, but the absolute lunacy of the situation had finally caught up with them. Liara started to titter next to her, then howl, tears streaming down her face; loud laughter from both of them spilled out of the tent. They locked eyes and it began to die down; Shepard saw something burning deep in Liara’s eyes, something there that looked like desire, like the ashes of a fire, smoldering after it had been drenched. She gulped, then set her cane on the floor and bent over, untying boots, removing socks, slipping off her fatigue jacket. _I’ll show you I’m real, Liara; that I’m here._

 _She is wearing military clothing,_ Liara thought, absently, _why is she wearing-_ her thoughts were cut off as Jane removed her pants, and stood in front of her in undershirt and simple cotton panties. Shepard shrugged, turning around in a slow circle and then dropping her arms. “Touch me…” she breathed, sitting next to her again, “It is me. I promise.”

Another promise made swam through Liara’s head:

_“Come back to me, Jane Shepard,”_

_“Always.”_

Jane grabbed blue hands and placed them on her thighs; could feel how warm she was even with Liara’s hands beneath her own. Liara’s eyes remained downcast, but Shepard felt her tense, touching, _feeling_ her, hands wandering over new skin that seemed so familiar. “Liara,”

_Oh my name out of those lips…_

“I have something to tell you…”

_Here it is. She doesn’t forgive me for what I did-should have let her go…_

“I can only stay for today; I’m being reenlisted-“

“What?” Liara drew her hands back to her own lap and Shepard looked down at the floor, eyes closing; had been dreading this part. “The fatigues… the underarmor- Oh Goddess, you’re-no, you can’t! I just got you back.” She stood staring down at Jane, “No. _How could you_?”

“I have no choice,” Shepard laced her fingers together to stop from fiddling with them, looking up at those blue eyes - no tears, but an intense anger there. “It’s a condition of Lazarus…” Liara slapped her across the face. Jane didn’t flinch, just closed her eyes again against the sting.

“ _You died_ and they’re sending you into- Goddess…”

“I have to.”

 

_Shepard laughed in Anderson’s face. “Oh, you’re serious?”_

_“Yes, Shepard; you’re affectively a super solider; or you will be once you heal fully and we get you through training.” Shepard shook her head,_

_“I guess I have no choice in this? Jesus…” Anderson took her hand and pulled her up, steadying her. Miranda made a motion to rejoin them, a worried look flashing across her face for an instant._

_“Good to hear, recruit,” he slapped her on the back and she stumbled, briefly. “You’ll be sent to Rio de Janerio as soon as your P &T is done.”_

_“No.”_

_“No?” He stood up tall,_

_“No. Not until I see Liara.” Anderson sighed, walking to the window that looked into Miranda’s office,_

_“I was afraid of this. Shepard, you will have plenty of time to see Doctor T’Soni-“_

So, she got it, Jane smiled inwardly.

_“No. Not until I see Liara.” He looked to Miranda, who had her hands on her hips, an ‘I told you so’ in her eyes; barely keeping from smiling. She nodded, once._

_“Okay. Alright, Shepard. Let’s start over: the Systems Alliance would like to offer you a coveted position in their N series elite Marine special forces training program, if you would accept. We’ve fast-tracked you through, so I would suggest you not turn this opportunity down – once we’ve made arrangements for you to liaise with one Doctor Liara T’Soni, as a mission debrief, of course.” He sighed, but stuck his hand out for Shepard to shake. She saluted instead._

_“Sir, I would be honoured to accept.” She dropped her salute and shook his hand, a sideways smirk._

_“Shepard,” he shook his head, laughing, “You’re going to be the death of me, you know that? Glad to have you aboard, private.” When he left, Jane turned to Miranda,_

_“What’s really going on here? Also, I’m starving.”_

_They sat in the Bio Building’s cafeteria; Jane had been pleasantly surprised to see they were indeed still on campus. Shepard ordered one of everything; literally: a hamburger, large fry, some fizzy drink, a Caesar salad, Thessian fruit that made her heart ache for Liara, a pasta and that purple-turkey-thing salad, a boiled egg, blue potatoey-things, pancakes – more heartache there - and one slice of each: asari desert pie and human chocolate cake. Miranda shook her head, was just thankful Jane steered clear of the Dextro portions._

_“So, a super soldier? Miranda, I wasn’t even a_ soldier _– I’m just me… a boot drop-out…”_

_“He saw something in you, Jane. When we went looking for funding, well, they jumped on the chance to spend gobs of credits on you; there’s even talk of appointing you as the first human Spectre.”_

_“Jesus… I’ve never even been to the Citadel… So, I guess we signed away my second-life?” She took a heaping bite of food; had already polished off the burger and fries and both the salads._

_“No-no. We’re not talking mindless indoctrination, Shepard: you serve your minimum amount and if you want to continue you do, if not, honorable discharge with full pension. I wasn’t about to leave you and Liara high-and-dry…”_

_“What would have happened if I refused?” She surveyed Miranda over her straw,_

_“I would have had to pay back the four-billion credits it took to bring you back; well, Mordin_ and _I. Two billion each…” Shepard ‘whewed’ and leaned back._

_“I don’t get it, Miranda, why me? I was a civilian,” she reached over and grabbed one of Miranda’s fries._

_“It was a perfect storm, Shepard. Liara couldn’t live without you… pair that with my research, her insistence, Mordin, the Alliance… well, we pulled off a miracle.” Jane pursed her lips and made a sideways face._

_“Where is Liara?”_

_“On Chasca – on a dig. She hasn’t seen you since the day you left for Omega.” Jane nodded, running her hand over the lower half of her face._

_“Thank you. This is- I can never repay you… Well,” she stood slid into her temporary wheelchair, and they bussed their trays, Shepard clapping her hands together, “I always liked the idea of the military anyway, maybe I can give something back this way. Where do we begin?” She began to wheel herself back to the lab._

_She refused to see Liara until she could properly walk again, and physio was the only way she was going to get there; it was hell._ I will be brave-I will be brave-I will be brave- _became her mantra, pushing through sweat, and tears of pain, and tears to her muscles; through crippling agony that must have been nothing compared to what Liara felt when she had died._ I will be brave.

 

“I’m sorry.” The pitiful tone in her voice broke something in Liara, and she turned, going to her desk and leaning against it, palms flat against the surface, away from Shepard.

“Goddess, you were dead…”

“I got better.”

“This time!” She turned back to face her, saw Shepard had silently moved in behind her, barely a foot away, “But you’re going to leave again… I spent two years mourning you,” the tears were back, running down cheeks Liara swiped at angrily. “So if we’re-“ Jane closed the distance, putting a hand on her shoulder,

“-Don’t. Don’t say it. Of course we’re going to…” She closed her own eyes against tears, _No. I will be brave for her._ She swallowed them, the hot bile of heartsickness threating to rear its head. “Don’t. Don’t break my heart…”

Liara shook her head, seeming to deflate; she leaned into Shepard’s chest, continuing to shake her head.

“Oh Jane… I-I… I need to know you’re always coming back.” She clawed at her undershirt, bunching the hem of it in her hands.

“I don’t know, that’s a pretty big promise to make,” Liara looked up at her, shocked, then saw her smirk and almost rolled her eyes, anger defusing at that wicked grin.

“Oh, is it?” Coy; shooting Jane back to their before-time. Shooting a jolt of yearning between her legs.

“I’d have to have something special to come back to…” she whispered next to that blue neck, her voice low and husky.

“I’m-open, to suggestions…” Liara teased back, tilting her head ever so slightly, forgetting why she had ever been angry with this wonderful, delicious human.

“How about this-“ hands around her waist, trailing down the swell of her ass, pulling her with a suddenness; the sharp sting of teeth on her neck, followed by a delicate tongue, soothing the mark there. Liara’s let out a high noise, followed by a low purr, eyes going instantly black, head snapping back in passion. She felt herself getting wet; reacting to the touches she had longed for, for so long. Touches she had missed late at night and on lazy Sunday afternoons, every breath and second wasted without Jane.

Liara backed Jane up the cot, hands skimming up under her shirt, cupping breasts with stiffening nipples pushed into her palms, Shepard relentless with that mouth against her neck. She wished Jane would scoop her up and take her against the wall of the tent, but she settled for pushing her down onto the cot, pulling off her dig vest, khakis and underwear in record time. After that, she took all the time in the world…

“Liara…”

It was sweet and filled with tears and barely audible gasps; blue hands roamed over her body like it was the first time, relearning every curve, every freckle and blemish, every spot that made her cry out and rock into her. There was a fire in Liara Jane could physically feel.

Liara opened her mind and shared every missed moment, every tear and anguished cry, every lonely day and ‘what if’. She was gentle, but barely contained; pent-up with longing and emotions and desire and disbelief – actually began to weep when she slid into her, shaking as Shepard did the same.

_I missed you_

_-so much…_

_couldn’t let you go._

_-I was_

_Every day_

_I died every day-_

_-waiting for you_

_Goddess, Jane._

_Is it really?_

_I lost you-_

_Yes-_

_Forever_

_You promised me you’d come back-_

_-always_

_I never-_

_-have you in my arms again._

When they came it was together, silently.

Later, curled into each other’s naked bodies, Jane’s fingers slowly tracing patterns over Liara’s arms, chest, ribs, they played catch-up.

“Hey! I don’t want to smoke!”

“Well, you haven’t had one in two years…”

“Huh. Neat.” Liara rolled her eyes, but snuggled close. They talked about Aria and Tevos, and Liselle, about Omega and the campus, Jack and Miranda, her parents, their friends…

About Serrice and the University:

“Wait, you’re a teacher? Holy crap; can we, uh, you know, on your desk, _Professor_?”

“Shepard!”

“What? Do you, like, wear heels and glasses…”

“Shepard… how would glasses stay on my face?” – “They gave me a what?”

“An honorary degree…”

“But I didn’t earn it…” She seemed disappointed,

“Well, you died saving a lot of people, Jane… the Matriarchs thought it was… appropriate.”

“Hmm…”

“They gave Aria one too. She seems angry…”

“I’m shocked…”

“They renamed the bar…”

 

Jane was pulling on her clothing, bent over the side of the bed to reach her socks when: “So, tell me what you want after; what happens to us?” Liara asked, not meeting her eyes when Shepard looked back at her reclined on the cot, that expanse of delicious blue skin glowing in the lamplight. Darkness had fallen and they had treated themselves to several trysts, until Jane thought she might actually die again if she had one more orgasm.

“I don’t know? Marriage, old age, and a lot of little blue children?” Liara pinched her side, making her jump, and Jane grabbed her arm, pulling her up and into her.

“You just say these things…”

“I mean it. I know last time- but it wasn’t my fault…”

“I love you, Shepard.”

“I know.”

“Shepard?”

“Yes?”

“Please do not go,”

“I have to.”

“I know…”


	5. Chapter 5

“Dr. Thea Tevos.” Thea looked up from her datapad and stood, smoothing her dress and taking a deep breath. Her heels clicked in the marble corridor as she crossed the checkerboard pattern to the reception desk, where a teal-skinned asari Maiden sat, filing her nails and sipping tea between vid messages. “The Matriarchs will see you next,” Tevos nodded and returned to her seat, opening her Omni-tool and dialing Aria.

“I’m next…”

“You’re going to be fine, Thea,” Aria had the vid portion off but could imagine Thea’s face; tight, markings drawn into a white bundle over her brow. “They would be insane not to at least take your candidacy seriously.”

“Aria,” she hissed, “this was a mistake… I should have kept my job at the University. What was I thinking?”

“That you could make a difference in the galaxy,” Aria replied, in a rare moment of calm clarity. “But whatever, you’re right, it was a mistake – just come home with your tail between your legs and work as a dancer here.” Thea pressed her lips together to keep from laughing,

“Point taken.”

“What point? Seriously, come shake your ass for me,” across the galaxy Aria winked at her daughter, who was fascinated by her mother’s voice coming out of her father’s wrist.

“Did you just say ‘ass’ in front of Liselle?”

“No.” Aria looked down to her daughter, “but someone wants to say hi,” a brief holo popped up of Liselle reaching out for the tiny image of her mother that had popped up on Aria’s end.

“Hi baby, Mommy will be home soon,” Liselle laughed and clapped, snuggling into Aria’s chest and looking back at the pixelated Thea. “Okay. I love you, Aria.”

“You too.” Tevos smiled a little, _Goddess forbid someone hear her say it aloud._ She disconnected and smoothed her dress again.

The young woman motioned for her to rise and Thea followed her down a long corridor lined with thirty-foot windows looking out onto Armali; in her heart she wished she was anywhere else – in her cramped office in Serrice, in Aria’s arms on Omega, in the snow with Liselle building a tentacled snowman. The receptionist left her at the boardroom door, two towering planks of golden wood, silver handles polished to a shine, and Tevos straightened her spine and closed her eyes, taking a steadying breath. _They’re your peers, do not forget that,_ she heard Aria’s voice say in her head. She nodded, once, to herself and opened the right-hand door.

“Sit, please, Ms. Tevos,” Matriarch Lidanya stood and motioned to a single chair facing the conclave: Matriarchs Lidanya and Elliena; Nassana Dantius, a businesswoman from Illium; and, unfortunately, Councilor Irissa _Tevos_ , who was videoed in from the Citadel.

 _Of course she’s here,_ Thea thought, but outside she was all charm and ice-cold confidence.

“Thea,” Irissa’s voice all nobility and frost.

“Irissa.” Nassana and Lidanya looked from her to the holo, mouths agape; the similarities between the two asari were enormous, but they smiled at Thea as she sat.

“Let us review your application, Ms. Tevos.”

_Here we go._

“…and is it, or is it not, true that you were fired from the University of Serrice as a result of a scandal involving a student?” Matriarch Elliena observed her with cool blue eyes, typing fastidious notes on her datapad. The Matriarchs sat behind a massive slab of a desk, which was strewn with compiled reports; all concerning Thea Tevos: her family background, her educational history, her extracurricular activities, what she ate for breakfast… So far Elliena had been the most hostile, which surprised Thea, as Lidanya was far closer to Irissa than any of the others, being the captain of the Destiny Ascension.

“I resigned, actually, as soon as Aria and I became involved.” _Not entirely true, but didn’t most politicians lie, a little?_ “It is also worth noting Ms. T’Loak chose to discontinue her studies as well.” She vaguely rotated the woven band of metal around her wrist. Lidanya nodded, took a note and spoke next:

“But you did chose to leave the University as a direct result of your marriage to Aria T’Loak?”

“No. I was pregnant and finding it difficult to-“ Irissa made a noise and Thea met her gaze, “Yes, Irissa?”

“Pregnant with a criminal’s child; hardly an example for the asari.” Nassana cleared her throat and looked at the papers in front of her, clearly uncomfortable.

“Yes… A criminal who operates the most success syndicate the galaxy has seen in the past several decades – in Terminus space, where technically _she is not_ a criminal at all. A criminal who uplifts the downtrodden people of Omega, who doesn’t condone nor practice in the slavery trade, who has a not so deeply hidden moral code under all that leather… A _criminal_ who is a wonderful father and example to your niece.” She hadn’t meant to tirade, but took the other Matriarch’s nods and note taking as a sign of goodwill.

_Take that, you blue bitch._

“You’re sisters?” Nassana blurted out, her light blue skin going dark in a flush.

“We share a mother, yes,” _and little else, thank the Goddess._ “Irissa, if you have any further questions-“ There was a commotion from the hallway; an asari with strangely squat features bustled in, holding the door open.

“Am I late? Goddamned skycar didn’t show up, and then Benezia forgot her damn hat.”

“Matriarch Aethyta, so nice of you to join us,” Elliena rose, her light-blue markings raised in surprise.

“What? Didn’t think I’d get the memo, doll? Nice try. Nezzy, hurry up, they started without us,” she called into the hall, where a tall asari with pale skin was rounding the corner into the chamber; dressed in a low-cut yellow dress and matching hat she still struck an intimidating figure. “Close your mouth Dantius, you’re going to drool on poor Thea’s paperwork.” She winked at Thea, still holding the door open for her wife.

“Lady Benezia,” Ellenia nodded her head to the Matriarch.

Benezia strode in, looking every inch her title. The regal quality she emanated seemed to dim the others in the room, but Thea sat a little straighter in her chair for it. _This is why_ , she thought. _Exactly why I wanted this…_ Benezia T’Soni was an example she had followed since before she could remember.

“Aethyta, I believe we made it clear only your bondmate was requested.” Aethyta made a rude gesture and sat anyway.

“Consider me a character witness.”

As they settled in the Matriarchs continued to question Tevos, and Benezia stayed silent until, “Thea, enough of your background. Tell me, why do you want to join this council?” Tevos smiled.

“Because I am a mother now, Matriarch.” Benezia nodded and motioned for her to continue. “I see Liselle growing up in a world where guidance and becoming less and less important. I see some Matriarchs use their age as a tool for power, not for the good of the species – of the galaxy. As a people we were born to guide, to counsel, to guide our Maidens and Matrons through the difficult stages in their lives; we were born to help the other species learn to cooperate, to broker peace, to welcome all in with open arms and join our best traits…” Aethyta nudged Nassana who sat on her left, pointing and winking at Thea.

“What possible experience could a teacher have in galactic politics?” Ellenia asked, and Thea’s mouth shot open in defiance.

“Ellenia-“ Benezia cut in, “Matriarch, have you done no reading on Tevos’ history?”

“What do you think she was a professor of, you dumb, squid-headed shit?-”

Thea held up her hand, “I can tell you one thing, Ellenia, my students came from all over the galaxy, from every species in Council Space – I even had a particularly bright vorcha study under me once – and they all had one thing in common: a thirst for knowledge, for leadership, for direction. I would bring _experience_ in that, in leading people in the right direction for them, for the asari, for the Matriarch Council, _for all of us_. And I would damn well not be a Citadel Councilor’s puppet,” she shot a sideways look at Irissa.

“Thea, you always were a bit too impulsive. I suppose you got that from your father… Salarians are so jumpy.” Tevos stood; all poise despite clenched fists, and strode to stand face-to-face with her sister’s image,

“You do not speak of my father like that,” she turned back to the others, “on further insight, Matriarchs, I believe I will be withdrawing my application to this caucus. I will be running for Citadel Councilor instead. Thank you for your time.”

“Well Athame’s tits…”

Tevos gathered her things and went to the door, turning before stepping through it, “and Matriarchs – it’s Doctor Tevos, actually - Professor if you’re feeling informal.  Not _Miss_.” She closed the door behind her and almost slumped against the wall, finally free to shake.

 

 

The shuttle’s thrusters created a whirlwind of dust around Shepard and Liara. They barely noticed.

“You could come with me? Follow me…” Shepard didn’t need her to answer:

“I know, I know… The University. The dig…” she sighed, taking her hand and kissing it. ”I’ll be in touch as soon as I can…” She wrapped her arms around a lithe, khaki covered waist. Liara nodded, her bottom lip trembling slightly.

“I’ll let you know when I’m back on Serrice; where they’re sending me. Earth, I think.” She nodded again, tears welling in her eyes. She finally spoke, grasping onto Jane’s belt loops,

“I just got you back…” Shepard kissed her, fiercely; an unspoken promise. _I will always come back._

Liara nodded again, closing her eyes and pressing her forehead to Jane’s. “Okay.” Somewhere in the chaos a pilot shouted, and Jane closed her eyes too, willing the world to go away. _Just one more minute in these arms. Just one more before they send me into hell._

“I love you. If you need me I’ll find a way; if you need someone to talk to late at night, I’ll be there, I don’t care if they discharge me – I’ll be there every time.” She kissed her again, blue hands in her own now.

“I love you too, Shepard. Come back to me this time.”

“Always.” She stole one more kiss, grabbing her bag over one shoulder, her cane in the other hand, and limped onto the transport. “Liara, I’m always coming back. I promise,” she yelled as it began to lift off; trying to make her understand over the engines and dust and emotions. “Always! Liara? – I’ve never stopped wanting to kiss your freckles!” Memories of a night much colder than this, the positions reversed; Jane yelling up to a sleepy blue asari. Liara looked up at her with those giant blue eyes, smiling through tears. _Goddess…_ she ran after the shuttle for a minute, holding her hand out to Jane until they were separated.

Liara leaned against a metal container, willing herself not to cry.

Jane slumped against the uncomfortable seat as the doors swished closed, willing herself to be strong.  _You could follow me, Liara…_

 

 

“Come on you little shit, eat,” Aria mumbled, scooping mushy paste onto a small plastic spoon. “Open up for Daddy,” she smiled, waving the spoon in front of Liselle’s face, all scowls and T’Loak, tiny arms crossed. Aria sighed; _well I know she’s mine…_

She zoomed the utensil in front of vibrant purple eyes, making engine noises and grinning like an idiot, “yum, yum!” She took a bite of it and rubbed her leather-clad stomach, “Mmmmm.” She gagged slightly, gulping to force the green paste down, _what the shit is this shit?_ “Mmmmm, yummy, Daddy likes it!” Liselle looked at her from the corner of her eye, brows skeptical but mouth opening slightly when her father brought the spoon back up. _Holy shit, that worked… damn kid is stupider than I thought._ She wiped her daughter’s face with the sleeve of her jacket, “alright, you’ve had enough of this crap; I know it’s terrible – blame your mother.” Liselle’s pudgy legs kicked out at her stomach as she spun her around. “Let’s go have a bath.”

Aria lifted the mush-free Liselle out of the tub, pulling the plug with her free hand. Tiny eyes were drooping, little fists rubbing at them. “Bedtime, kiddo.” Wrapping her in a towel she hoisted her onto her hip, shutting off the bathroom light and walking her into their bedroom. She sat her in the middle of the large bed, letting her squirm and roll around, drying off, but soaking the sheets in the process. Aria smiled, leaning against the dresser as she pulled out the smallest pair of pajamas she had ever seen, _this never ceases to amaze me... that we made_ that _._ She pinned her daughter on the bed and blew raspberries against a taunt purple belly, high-pitched squeals splitting her ears in the most wonderful way. Little legs and arms flailed and Aria did it again, adding in some tickling for good measure.

Tevos watched from the doorway, smiling. _You made the right choice, Thea,_ she thought. _Every time I see them like this…_ Deciding to take Aria back - to have her child, to marry her - had been both the hardest and easiest decision she had ever made; and Aria had been as good as her word: no drugs, no extra-marital sex, not even a stray look…

“I see you’re getting her settled for bed,” Aria spun around as Thea came through the door.

“Well hello, Madame Councillor,” Aria lifted Liselle and passed her to her mother, both of them beaming.

“Not exactly,” Tevos replied, kissing her daughter and holding her close before leaning around her crest and kissing Aria. “I missed you: both of you. Let me get her in bed and I’ll tell you what happened.”

Aria wasted no time, stripping down and climbing into bed; being a single parent for a week had worn her out more than running Omega ever could. Tevos came back into the bedroom and began to change into her sleeping clothes, “I didn’t know if you would be back here from Omega yet – when did you get in?”

“Last night,” Aria yawned, patting the bed. “She cried the whole fucking way home.” Thea grinned, “What?”

“Well…”

“Well what?”

“Nothing, I love you.” Thea rested her head on a sculpted naked shoulder, “I withdrew my candidacy.”

“What?” Aria sat up straighter, eyes narrowing, “which one was it? I’ll fucking kill them.” Thea patted her hand,

“Irissa… but let me finish, please,” Aria began to kiss her neck, drawing one thin strap down over her shoulder. Tevos made a small noise of consent but continued to talk, “I’ve decided to run for Citadel Councillor.” Aria stopped mid kiss, raising pale eyes to her bondmate,

“Seriously? You know you’re married to a criminal, right? That the good people of the Citadel may not want their Councillor in bed with the Kingpin of Omega?”

Thea waved that away, “Irissa is worse: she’s a bully, she’s pompous, and she uses her position to serve only herself-”

“So you married someone just like her-“ Thea made a face, and shook her head in disgust, running her hand under the covers and along Aria’s leg, a silent invite for her to continue. Aria climbed into her lap, stripping the loose robe off of Tevos as she kept talking.

“…and I already have Matriarch Benezia’s support,” her hands ran up and down Aria’s shoulder blades, drawing her closer, “I’m going to dethrone the bitch.” Aria leaned back and met Thea’s gaze, a small smirk on her face. “Well, well, _Councillor_ , I believe I have been a bad influence on you.”

There was the sleepy mumble of baby talk over the monitor.

“Shut up and fuck me before the baby wakes up.”

“Yes ma’am.”


	6. Chapter 6

_Are you home from the dig?_ She smiled down at her Omni-tool; it had been about a week since she had let Jane fly away in the transport, and true to her word Liara had heard from her every day. She was finishing her physiotherapy in Serrice, but was indeed bound for Earth soon.

 ** _Yes, I left Dr. Browne in charge. I’m on my way to Armali or I would have stopped in to see you._** She looked out the tram window, watching the snow-covered countryside go by, until her wrist beeped at her again.

_Going to see Mom and Dad?_

**_Yes. I have to tell them about you – about Lazarus._** _What fun that will be,_ she thought.

_Now that we’re in the same time sphere, vid chat tonight?_

**_Goddess, yes. Oh, I’m here; call me around 9?_ **

_That’s 2100 hours, civilian ;)_

**_I love you Shepard._ **

_I love you. Miranda says hi._

Shepard smiled at her wrist, peddling steady on the stationary bike as Miranda came back into the gym, “Okay, Shepard, break’s over.”

“Break? Jesus, Miranda, I’ve been on this bike for an hour,” she jumped down, wiped her forehead with a towel and opened her arms in celebration. “Look, Ma, no hands.” Miranda nodded, impressed at her progress, and jotted down a note,

“Good, I’m glad because it looks like this is going to be your last session – Anderson wants you to ship out in the morning.” Shepard slumped down on a weight bench,

“Wow-okay-wow… no rest for the wicked. I guess I’m really doing this, huh?”

“Looks that way, Shepard.” They looked at each other for a beat too long to be comfortable; too much estrogen in the room made them both equally uncomfortable. Shepard ran the towel along the back of her neck; one part nervousness, one part sweat.

“Thanks Miranda.” _Remember that time you threw a drink in my face?_ Miranda looked at her as if to say, ‘why yes, yes I do.’ She shrugged instead, dark hair covering her eyes. It suddenly struck Jane that Miranda probably had spent more time with her than any other sentient being in the galaxy; probably knew her better than even Liara. Miranda seemed to have similar thoughts, because when she spoke her words were grave.

“I don’t really know what I’m going to do with myself now, Shepard. I mean, I guess they’ll make me a doctor now, but… Jack will be glad to have me home more at least…” the air in the room seemed to double in weight. _I can never repay you, Miranda; I know Shepard; Not for me, but for her… I know._

“So do I have time to eat, or?” The spell was broken; they were once again just two casual friends. Miranda motioned for her to sit and shined that damned light in her eyes again, did another joint test, put a cold stethoscope under her sports bra, “Yes, Anderson will speak to you tonight.”

“Ah, crap; I have a date with Liara,” Miranda raised her eyebrows, “vid chat, don’t worry…”

“Well, you’re clear. One last caf dinner? I’m buying,” Jane nodded and she turned to leave, to let Shepard get showered and changed, “you know, Shepard, you’ve become very important you me, as a person I mean, not a project… I-“

“I know, Miri. I love you too,” she winked and smiled and Miranda blushed, a feat Jane had only seen Jack accomplish. “You grew on me too.”

 

 

“Little Wing,” Benezia opened the front door and embraced her daughter, kissing her softly on each cheek, “what a pleasant surprise. Your father is out, but come in.” Liara dropped her bag in the foyer and looked around; _had it really been three years since she had been home? Since Jane and her had spent a wonderful, trying, romantic, unbearable Christmas here? Since they had made love upstairs, for the first time;_ Liara blushed purple: _since they had almost made love right here in this entrance hall…_

“Hello Mother,” she smiled, following the Matriarch through double swinging doors and into the kitchen, where there was a pot of tea waiting. “I needed a break from the dig, and I do not begin teaching for another few days.” She sat on a stool, debating just coming right out and telling her mother about Jane, _Goddess, what was I thinking? I should have done this over the phone…_

“Are you okay, Liara?” Benezia poured her a cup with raised eyebrow markings and Liara nodded.  
“I am fine,” gave her a weak smile and sipped tea. Her mother gave her a knowing look but dropped it,

“I ran into your friend Professor Tevos a few weeks ago; did she tell you she was running for council?”

 

Nine p.m. came and went and Liara waited for Jane to call. She had excused herself shortly after dinner with Benezia; had really needed to catch up on her rest – the trip had tired her out – couldn’t wait to sleep in a real bed. She was almost relieved that Aethyta hadn’t come home yet.

_Typical Shepard; keeps me waiting for two years and still can’t be on time…_

When ten p.m. rolled around and her Omni-tool still hadn’t buzzed she began to sweat, old anxieties, memories of that terrible morning coming back ten-fold.

 _An incomplete call, two men at her door, receiving the worst new of her life: worse than her mother’s disapproval of her studies, worse than walking in on Shepard and Aria together in bed, worse than finding out she wasn’t pregnant… In her mind Shepard was dead all over again; the ballooning fear, like snakes in her stomach, cold lead on her heart._ Sweat broke out, breath came in fast pulses, she closed her eyes and leaned against her headboard, trying to level them out.

_She’s on an Alliance schedule now, on Miranda’s timeline, Liara, just breathe…_

She ran herself a bath and slipped into it to relieve her fears; at 10:30, when she got out, she was near hysterical.

_Except, what if she’s not? What if she’s floating in space; Anderson had her shipped off and her ship got attacked and there’s fire and explosions and she’s gone again, and never coming back this time because they’re not going to do it again, and… Goddess._

At 11, Liara tried to steady shaking blue hands and dial Jane’s number, closing her eyes after she had successfully entered it. _Please, please, please…_ It rang and rang but no one picked up.

 _By the Goddess, no…_ Suddenly six years old and desperate for her mother; dashing down the hall to her parent’s door, not thinking just flinging it open. “Mom,” _Goddess, I haven’t called her Mom since I was a teenager…_ Tears beginning to fall.

“Liara, what is it? Are you okay?” She shook her head, lip trembling with the effort to keep the sobs in,

“N-n-no; it’s Jane.”

“Jesus, kid, you could have knocked-oh, doll, come here,” her father’s open arms, sleep rubbed from tired eyes before enveloping her daughter in arms that had always chased away monsters and bad dreams and B’s instead of A’s and mean asari girls.

 

At the table, all three in various bedtime dress, strong shots in front of them all. Liara had calmed down enough to sip hers, as her parents looked at each other with concerned eyes.

“Mother, Dad, I have something to tell you,” she took a deep breath, but couldn’t bear to look her parents in the eyes any longer, not after keeping this secret for two years.

“You’re knocked up?”

“No- Goddess, Dad… no-why is it always about sex with you? No.”

“Is Jane okay?” Benezia spoke up from her place across the table and Liara’s head spun towards her,

“What? How’d you-yes, she is – or she was… I know it’s been a long time, but, well, she’s, uh, I do not know how to say this-“

“She’s alive? Ya, we know, kiddo, the Alliance brought her back.” Liara’s jaw dropped and she went the colour of plums.

“She was supposed to call me tonight, and I haven’t heard-“ Her Omni-tool buzzed from her wrist:

 _I’m so sorry! Anderson called a briefing._ She held up a finger to her parents and furiously dialed Shepard.

“Liara-“

“Do. Not. Speak.” Shepard gulped, audible from Serrice;

“Oooo, I know that tone,” Aethyta spoke up, “you’re screwed, Shepard – also, hello; welcome back.” Benezia and Liara shot her identical withering looks. She rolled her eyes; “you two don’t scare me.”

Liara turned away and hissed into her Omni-tool, “do you have _any idea_ what you did to me? What you made me think? _Goddess_ -“

“Liara, I’m sorry-“

“We will speak later,” all popped consonants, ice cold. She disconnected and shut her eyes, clenching her teeth, before returning to her parents. “Well, she’s alive… I feel very foolish now.” Benezia rose and began to make tea, patting her daughter’s shoulder as she passed,

“Of course we know about Lazarus, Little Wing; do you think we would have left you alone for so long if- what you must think of us.” The thought seemed to hit Benezia and Liara saw her place her palms flat against the counter next to the sink; so much like herself.

_The comm rang, the middle of the night, a sleepy voice, gruff and garbled: “This better be good, you woke up my wife,” Benezia next to her, flicking on her lamp, concern in those blue eyes. “Liara? Honey, calm down-what? No. Oh, no, no, no-“ dropping the Omni-tool, and Benezia grabbing it with one pale hand, the other between her breasts, fully awake now; getting out of bed now. “Liara? Your father- Jane? Oh, Liara, no…” falling to the floor, weeping for her daughter, for the wonderful woman who had loved her so much._

“Oh, Mother, no… I am the one…” Memories came flooding back for her as well: _Flurries of blue and purple rushing through Miranda’s door, clutching her in their arms; of tears and cups of tea and rebuilding her life one day at time, her parents never leaving her side for a full month, her like a child, all snotty nosed and unable to feed herself._

“Mom… I should have told you.”

“You’re damn right you should have,” Aethyta said, and Liara blushed, “but we understood. In spite of your best efforts, Liara, we know you. Do you really think your Mother doesn’t know what’s going on at the University she funds? Christ, kid…” Liara looked back to her mother, still at the sink, still looking away.

“You fund-really?”

“Of course I do,” Benezia said quietly, so much like Liara’s own meek side. She slid the kettle onto the stove, “my daughter’s passions are important to me, despite what she may think.” Liara looked at her mother with new eyes, as if seeing her for the first time. _Goddess, I have been so foolish…_ She felt the sickening creep of shame crawl up from her stomach, through her limbs. “You do not have to be so independent, Little Wing; you can talk to us.” Liara nodded as her mother turned to her, her eyes soft, hurt even.

“Okay, well, uh, well I tried smoking once… and, um, the first time Jane and I went to a party I drank too much and got sick all over Miranda Lawson’s floor… when I was teenager I let Nasanna Dantius touch my breasts on a field trip…”

“Okay, kid, this isn’t some Earth confessional: we mean let us in; let us be part of your life.” Liara flushed again, but laughed, feeling even worse. Her mother poured her a cup of tea and sat next to her wife, taking her hand.

“I thought I was pregnant,” Liara blurted out, before looking at her hands, wringing them in her lap and going wide-eyed. “After Christmas, when Shepard and I- uh, never mind-“ Benezia pressed her lips into a thin line but Liara appreciated the silence.

“Oh, come on, Nezzy,” Aethyta poked her in the ribs, “it’s not like Liara was planned.” Her daughter’s jaw dropped,

“What?”

“Oh, yah, kid; you were a total accident, I mean a great one, but, hey. I was wearing this killer pin-stripped suit from Illium, we had a bit too much to drink, and well your mom got a little carried away. Goddess, before that she was ready to leave my sorry ass,” Liara tried her best to catch flies, eyes bugged out.

“Okay, well… okay. The point is,” she grabbed her mother’s hand across the island, “we thought we were going to have a baby… and Mom, we wanted her so badly once we thought-“ she shook the memory away. _It was long time ago, Liara. Yes, but then I was left without Jane too…_

“And then Shepard died, and I died a little every day without her, and I just kept thinking ‘what if I had a little part of her, her child, here with me…’ ” Benezia nodded, “and I did not know how to tell you – I could not bare to hear either one of you tell me to let her go…”

“So don’t let her go this time,” her father said, patting her hand where it lay over Benezia’s, and draining her cup. “Call you girlfriend, I’m going to bed now that we’ve had this little family powwow…” She kissed both of her girls goodnight and went upstairs, mumbling about not being able to look Nasanna Dantius in the face. Benezia looked at Liara over the top of her mug,

“Little Wing – _Liara_ – we should have been there for you. I know I haven’t always…”

“Mother-“

“I am not going to lie and say I am sorry you didn’t have a baby: you have your whole life ahead of you – both of you do –“ she looked at her pointedly; _I never would have stopped you, Liara. Never._ “But I am sorry that you felt that loss, darling – and I am sorry you felt that you couldn’t come to us.” Benezia rose and wrapped her arms around her daughter and Liara shuddered with a tear-filled breath; she felt something melt between them in that hug – sixty years of turmoil fading away. She also thought she felt tears on her crest. Her mother spoke low, next to her ear and Liara could smell her perfume, jasmine and musk. “If you feel that way, marry her. Make her your bondmate.” Liara was quiet for a long time; sat at the island for a long time after her mother kissed her and joined her father upstairs.

She fiddled with her Omni-tool. “Shepard?”

 

 

“Sir,” Jane was filling out a new set of fatigues and shined boots nicely, but to her they still felt like she was wearing her dad’s suit; she tried her best to not tug at the sleeves and hem. She saluted as Anderson turned around.

“Shepard, good to see you in top condition again,” he nodded, taking her in. “Sit, let’s get down to business.” They had repurposed a vacant faculty office in the Bio Building; apparently it was Shepard-101 on the syllabus – medical charts, limited service record, a over-flowing filing cabinet labeled Lazarus, J. Shepard, and Confidential.

“You’ll be shipping out tomorrow morning, bound for Rio de Janerio; N-School. We’ve fast-tracked you through basic; N1 is Marine Basic anyway, first step to Special Forces. Don’t let it slip – we’ve got the clearance, but we don’t need the other recruits knowing, don’t need you ostracized.” She nodded, going as red as her hair, which she supposed would be buzzed in the morning. She ran her hands through it, thinking of Liara. _It’ll grow back…_ Truthfully it was a little long for her tastes right now anyway. “Here’s your paperwork, sign it,” she did, memorizing her Systems Alliance Navy Service Number; ‘ _5923-AC-2826’ got it…_

“You’re set to be promoted, from Private to 2nd Lieutenant-“

“Wait, what?” She looked up from the mountain of paperwork she was signing, shaking her head, “Oh, no-no, no, I’m not officer material, uh, Sir,” _this was going to take some getting used to…_

“You certainly are, Shepard, even more so when you’re done with ICT.” He smiled, but she narrowed her pale eyebrows,

“What about Officer Training? You can’t fast track that, Captain…”

“So, Miranda didn’t tell you… well that is, unfortunate. No worries. Listen, Shepard, we took a few liberties when rebuilding you. You will find your cybernetics ensure you heal faster, move quicker, help you aim better; you were one of the finest recruits we saw come through basic, so maybe you won’t notice much of a difference, but we did have certain genes enhanced…” Jane froze, nostril’s flaring slightly, but reminding herself that this was, technically, now her commanding officer.

“Excuse me, Sir?”

“We gave you some light gene therapy, and, well, implanted the basic officer training; Miranda also had our training videos on loop for the full two years you were being worked on – even before your vitals came back online. You’ll find you have all the knowledge in that brain of yours already, your body just needs to catch up. We’ll just have you take the officer exams when you’re done at the villa and everything is above the board. As of signing those papers, you are now 2nd Lieutenant Shepard. Soon you'll be a Marine, and if everything goes as planned, N7.”

Shepard clenched her teeth and finished signing her papers in silence; this felt terrible, it was _wrong_. Heat that nothing to do with embarrassment flushed her body; the pen in her hand cracked.

“I’ll be at the transport hub at 0700 hours, Sir.”

 

 

She stormed up to the apartment building door pulling her collar up against the winter wind; she wished she had remembered her jacket, or been allowed to go back to her and Liara’s apartment, _if it’s still there,_ she thought.

She began bypassing the lock to the lobby, a skill she hadn’t used in years; _an officer?! An_ officer, _Jesus… how can a former gang kid, who picks fucking locks, be fast-tracked? This_ has _to be illegal._ Except she knew it wasn’t. _Life used to be simple,_ she thought, popping open the lock and shutting the door behind her and punching the elevator button with a bit too much force. She tapped her foot impatiently waiting for the car, _Christ, almost halfway through the twenty-second century and these things are still as slow as molasses._ It dinged at her and she punched Miranda’s floor, crossing her arms and staring up at the light as it climbed higher and higher.

She pounded at the door, forgoing the buzzer in favour of force. She heard commotion from the other side of the door and it slid open a crack, a pale face visible for a moment before it shut again.

“Fucking Miranda, open the door,” she yelled through the steel; heard Jack’s all-American brand of swearing mixing with her wife’s accent on the other side.

“Shepard, we, uh, weren’t expecting you; you’re not supposed to leave the campus.”

“In layman’s terms: Go the fuck away, Shep.”

“Open this goddamned door right now or I knock it down; and you know I can with all your little _upgrades_ , Lawson.” She paused for a minute, letting that sink it. The door slid open and she saw Jack’s naked ass trailing away down the hall, Miranda poked her head out of the hallway bathroom door, slipping her shirt back over messy black hair.

“So, Anderson told you.”

“Anderson did, yes. Jesus, Miranda…” she looked up at the ceiling and turned away, reasonable thought turning into fury at a pace that frightened her. The last time she remembered feeling like this she had torn through Aria like she was made of paper.

“Tell me one thing, before we go any further: does Liara know?” Shepard still had her back to Miranda, one hand pressed against the wall next to the door, “Did she condone this?” Jane closed her eyes tight, waiting for the answer.

“No.”

 _Oh thank God…_ She let out her breath.

“She’s going to kill you. You know that right?” Shepard slowly opened her eyes, turning to face her doctor, her own personal Jesus, her so-called friend. “You made me not me.”

Miranda just looked at her. Shepard wanted to shake her, to throttle her; take her by the hair and close her hands around her neck. She advanced on her, pinning her against the wall with her weight. _Where are these feelings coming from… Jesus, I need to get a handle on this._

“Shepard- God, Shepard- I didn’t know how to tell you,” Miranda didn’t meet her eyes, but Jane could feel Jack’s gaze on the back of her head, like an extra sense. A second later she heard the subtle hum of biotics; she stepped back and turned to Jack. Her hair was grown out, only shaved on the sides, tied back in a long ponytail that suited her.

“Jack.”

“Shep.” She had clothing on again, and smiled at her, but Shepard could tell she was watching her every move.

“I thought she liked it rough?” Jack didn’t even laugh. _Is this who I’m going to become? Someone everyone tiptoes around, afraid I’m going to die again or snap, killing everybody?_ She felt her eye begin to twitch and put a hand to it, rubbing her temple with her thumb. “What you couldn’t even come visit? Had to wait and see if I got killed again? I thought we were closer than that,” she forced a grin, but remembered all the times the three of them – herself, Aria, Jack – had wreaked havoc on one Serrice bar or another.

“Of course I came to see you, you fucking Jarhead wannabe,” Shepard pressed her lips together as Jack pounded her on the shoulder. “You don’t remember? Well, shit, you were outta it for the first little while.”

“Watch your mouth, Jack, or I’ll show you what your wife did to me.”

“Watch your step or I’ll show you what I’ll do to you if you threaten my wife again,” they locked eyes; somewhere along the way playful banter had turned deadly serious. Shepard felt exhausted, couldn’t control the emotions washing through her. She stepped back and held up both her hands,

“Jesus. Fuck – I’m sorry. I don’t know-fuck.”

“Lets all sit down,” Miranda finally spoke, gently touching Jane on the arm, “I think we need to talk.”

 

“How could you do this to me, Miranda?” Shepard was holding a glass of whiskey, the three of them sat on a matching couch and loveseat set, Miranda next to Shepard, Jack across from them, playing bartender when they needed refills.

“First of all, Shepard, trust me: this is the least I could convince them to do. If it was up to them they’d have had a control chip implanted alongside that knowledge chip, in case shit ever really hit the fan.” Jane narrowed her eyes but sipped her drink in silence. “Secondly, it’s not as bad as it sounds, okay. Let me explain: you’ve had some cybernetic implants, but they’re keeping you alive at this point, and they technically are the things that brought you back. Those little nanites massaged all the good bits that were broken in your accident back to life, and they keep your cells in top shape – you’ll probably outlive us all.” Miranda paused and took a drink and Shepard could tell she was trying to find the non-technical words to describe what they had done to her.

 _Well, Liara, it looks like we may not be having the lifespan talk at all…_ she thought, daring to crack a small smile into her cup, before passing it to Jack to have it refilled. Her Omni-tool buzzed on her wrist and she looked at the time; _Oh shit, I forgot to call Liara…_

“You’re not immortal; they’ve only increased things like strength and healing and skill by a fraction. You’re less like a superhero and more like an Olympian; we just skipped all the training.” Shepard nodded, trying to keep up. Her speed was less science and more liberal arts; less jargon and more sports field.

“Okay, so what about the gene therapy? Not only is it banned, but also, I’m not me if you mess with the stuff that makes me, me-“ Miranda laughed, but followed her train;

“It’s not banned in medical _research_ , which technically you were,” she sighed, holding up her glass and tipping it towards Jane, “I wasn’t lying when I called you a guinea pig, Shepard.” Jack returned with her glass and Jane nodded her thanks, offered to switch places so she could sit next to her wife. Jack shook her head and motioned for her to listen. “In order for your cells to regenerate we had to apply some gene therapy; it has nothing to do with the chip we put in, okay? We didn’t alter any genes we know are attached to personality, morals, outlook - simply ones that tricked your body into creating new life from old.” Shepard drummed her fingers on the side of her glass, planting her feet,

“Okay. But how do I know-“

“You’re you, Shep,” Jack spoke, “I took one look at you and knew that. You have this air about you; can’t fuck with that. I bet Blue knew too. Did you ask her?”

“No. We haven’t really talked about- well, no.” She scratched her cheek, sheepishly looking from one to the other, “I’m sorry, I just kinda freaked out. Everyone seems to think this should be seamless for me… it feels like a giant cosmic joke; ‘hah, look at poor Jane, flailing around trying to play catch up’. _I don’t remember_ losing two years, I didn’t ask for any of this!” She blew her hair out of her face, where it had dropped when she lowered her head, “You know, I don’t even know if I’m the same person Liara fell in love with; if we’re still the same people… her life has gone on, and I’m now set to be a career navy man, Liara didn’t sign up for that – fuck: _I didn’t_. I don’t even know if I can still play sports like I used to, or play the guitar, the piano, sing…”

“Shepard – Jane – she couldn’t imagine her life without you. She has no doubts,” Miranda looked to Jack, remembering a broken and despondent asari sitting right here. “And you can make it all work, I’m sure of it,” Miranda rose and walked to the bar, filling her drink and leaning against it, one hip cocked out, “Did you know I’m genetically modified, Shepard?”

“No,” she replied, suddenly feeling very humbled.

“I am. It wasn’t my decision, but I make the most of it, and I am very good at just about anything I choose to do,” Jack snorted and Miranda shot her a look. “Well, it’s just the facts. My reflexes, my strength, even my looks, they’re all designed to give me an edge. Sound familiar, Shepard?” She smiled and took a drink, heading back to the couch and patting Jane’s leg as she squeezed in next to her wife on the loveseat.

“Sounds like you were designed to be perfect,” she raised her eyebrows,

“Maybe. But I’m not. I’m still human, Shepard. I make mistakes like everyone else,” she sighed, “and maybe doing this to you was one of them. But you’re only human too, don’t forget that.”

Jack raised her glass, clinking it against Miranda’s, “I know exactly how you feel. So does she,” she tipped her head to Jack,

“Yep. I’ve been fucked with too, Shep.” Jane looked at them pressed together on their couch and shook her head, looking at her combat boots; _how self-involved have I been?_ “Sex appeal isn’t the only thing that has kept us together, a marriage is built on more than that,” Jack winked. _Oh shit, Liara, I forgot again…_ She drained her glass and stood,

“Can I ask you a favour before I leave, Jack?’

“Shep?”

“Buzz my head?” Jack slapped her knee and shot her drink back too,

“Damn right, Shepard.” Jane held up her hand, punching Liara’s number into her Omni-tool,

“Just gimme a minute; I need to apologize to my girlfriend.” She walked into the bathroom and shut the door.

 

Jane ran her hand over her new haircut as she walked back up to the residence. She wished she had borrowed a hat; short red hairs didn’t guard against the snow melting atop her head, and she supposed she looked a bit like an orange now, all stubbly and vibrant. She was exhausted and looked at the time, _Good: I can still get six hours or so._ Her wrist rang and she saw Liara’s face pop up,

“Shepard?”

“Hi,” she answered, weakly, still a little afraid of the wrath of Liara. _I know I deserve it, but…_ she opened the door to her bunk, glad for the first time she had a room to herself – wasn’t stuck in the lab or some cramped office in the Biology Building like she had been the first few days of Life, Part 2; _my life is so weird..._

“I am sorry, Jane…” Shepard set her Omni-tool on the bed and leaned over to take off her boots, “I overreacted; it was not appropriate and not your fault. I-“

“-No, I’m sorry, honey. I should have realized how that would make you feel, or, what it would make you think I guess.” She stripped off her uniform, down to undershirt and panties, and jumped back onto the bed, turning the image portion of the call on and lazing back into the pillows. “But, Liara, I need you to relax; I didn’t ask for this, but I am going to be gone for a long time, and you have to trust that I’m going to be safe. Please, for me.”

Jane could see the tiny image of Liara moving from what looked like her parent’s kitchen into the infamous foyer, and up the staircase. She was quiet for a long time. “Jeeze, people keep acting like I’m this big deal; or like me being here is a miracle, and I guess it is, but for me… Liara, it’s like I took a nap and woke up and everyone is treating me different; they promoted me. I’m a goddamned 2nd Lieutenant, an Alliance Officer, and I never even passed basic.” Jane swiped at her eyes, irritably, _why am I crying? I don’t cry._ “Nothing is the same.”

“Jane, I understand – well, I do not, not really – but I see where you are coming from,” Liara had shut her childhood bedroom door and was seated in her desk chair, the Omni-tool obviously propped up on her desk. She turned her face to the camera and did a double take, “Oh, your hair.” Jane ran her hand along it again,

“Yah… I wanted to fit in with the boys; they’re always the hardest to break in boot…” she shrugged, “Jack did it for me.” She told Liara about her debrief and meltdown at the Lawson-Nought household.

“Shepard, I had no idea- if I had known-“

“It’s okay, Li. They’re right, I am me, still. I think.”

“You are. I knew as soon as I saw you; I wish you had told me your fears, I could have…”

Jane was suddenly desperate to touch her, to feel warm skin on her own, to taste her and smell her. She wished she could articulate the anger and shame she was feeling lately - the sense of loss, the feeling of being lost. _I went to sleep and woke up some kind of hero; I went away and came back to a life I don’t recognize._ “I don’t want to go, Liara,” she rubbed her hand along the lower part of her face, “I want my old life back. You, our apartment, going to class and wasting time with Aria. I want it back, it’s-“ she sighed, “-it’s not fair.”

“I know, Shepard.” Liara had a crooked grin on her face and Jane laughed,

“But, suck it up, right? Ms. Logic… sorry, _Dr._ Logic now.” Liara laughed and covered her mouth to muffle the sound.

“You can do this, Shepard. You’re strong and noble, and _you’re brave_ ,” Jane nodded, dully. “It is a small price to pay to have you back. Then we can have our life back, right?”

“Right… except I’m going to be a Marine, on duty… Our whole lives are going to change.”

“Mine already did.” Shepard nodded, the weight of those words making her feel like an idiot; _remember that feeling, next time you get all ‘oh, poor Shepard’; you could have went two years without her._

“I love you so much.”

“I love you too, Shepard. When will you be home?”

“Don’t know. Few months,” Liara laid down on her bed, staring across the room at her Omni-tool; Shepard liked it better when she had been close enough to count her freckles. “I’ll be okay. Then we can have our life.”

“Every day,” Liara echoed, closing her eyes against tears; smiling through them. “I am excited for you, you know? I think you are going to love this.”

“I’ll be safe, I’ll come back. I’ll write you, even if they tell me I can’t,” she blew her a kiss.

“Have time for-?“ Liara lowered her eyes, all lashes and smoldering looks. Jane grinned, pulling off her top and placing her Omni-tool at a convenient angle,

“You bet your sweet blue ass I do.”


	7. Chapter 7

TO: L. T’SONI

FROM: J. SHEPARD

SUBJECT: Landed

 

We’ve landed on Earth; I’m here. In a shuttle on the way to wherever the hell they’re taking us.

I miss you already.

Talk soon.

Xoxo

\- Shep

 

Shepard looked out the window of the transport, at the white-sand beach flying by beneath them at a terrifying pace, at the clear blue water, at the dense jungle in the distance; _at least it’s warm here_ , she thought, remembering the February winds she had left behind on Thessia. _Ya, and when you’re marching through bugs and sweltering heat remember you said that._

She looked around the shuttle, at thirty other shoulders rocking back and forth with the motion of the flight, at sixty other feet, identically clad in boots, planted so much like her own; _I feel so alone, even in this crowded fucking tin can…_ She closed her eyes and rested her head against the hard metal wall behind her, wondering what kind of fresh hell was awaiting her – them – when they landed. _They’re your team now, Shep, don’t shut them out before you even give them a chance._

“Uh, Ma’am? Uh, Shepard?” She opened one eye a crack; saw a dark-haired beauty in camo an inch from her face - full lips, dark eyes, bushy eyebrows. Shepard’s eyes went to her name badge: Williams. “We’ve landed,” she hissed, and Jane noticed the others filing out of the transport, _Jesus, I slept through landing. Fucking hell, if this recruit didn’t wake me – great way to start your military career over, Shep._

“Jesus, thanks!” She shot up, grabbing her duffle and letting Williams yank her to her feet.

“No problem; us girls gotta look out for each other,” she stood tall, and Shepard guessed she was at least third generation military; smiled.

“They’re not so bad,” Jane replied, nodding to the boys,

“Oh, you’re right of course,” Williams blushed a little through her makeup; _I can’t believe she’s wearing lipstick…_ she thought. She could tell that this girl could probably kick her ass, if not at least give her a run for her money. “You should have heard some of the stories my grandfather told me about what it was like in the twentieth century; for women, I mean.” Shepard nodded absently as they both shuffled toward the opening door, waiting their turn to jump down. Shepard took a second to check her Omni-tool for a reply from Liara:

 

TO: J. SHEPARD

FROM: L. T’SONI

SUBJECT: RE: Landed

 

I love you.

You are brave. I do not know what else to say, Jane. Goddess, come back to me this time.

Xoxo

-L.

 

TO: J. SHEPARD

FROM: A. T’LOAK

SUBJECT: What the hell, Shepard?!

 

Couldn’t even come meet my kid? Sorry we couldn’t make it to see you – dumb shit Miranda and her pet varren-cum-my idiot partner ‘forgot’ to let us know you were awake. I missed you, Shep; not as much as Blue, but, hey; we would have been there with, what was it? ‘Bells on’? Don’t get blown up this time – I owe you a drink.

Really, Shep, I owe you a lot more than that… Kick some Special Forces ass for me; or fuck some, whatever you’re into these days.

-A. (and Tevos, and Liselle)

 

She grinned, had been desperate to hear from Aria for weeks. She saw Williams looking at her goofy grin and wiped it off her face, but motioned to her Omni-tool: “My ex, well, now friend, Aria. She’s an asari back on Thessia and I haven’t seen her in like two years; just had a baby… well, two years ago. Long story.” Williams’ oversized brows crinkled together and she nodded, once,

“Asari, huh? At least N-school is all human; I don’t know if I would trust a bunch of aliens with Alliance information.” Shepard set her jaw and raised her brows, but didn’t answer, jumping off the lip of the shuttle and onto hard packed dirt. She thought of Liara. She looked around at the long, low white buildings, the palm trees, the surrounding mountains, just visible between the modern skyscrapers around the perimeter; she felt her stomach stir, not butterflies, but rather what felt like a metric ton of dough, expanding. _Ah, pizza!_ She thought, _Man, why didn’t I eat pizza before I came?_ Only half listening to Williams ranting next to her, _damn, my last chance to get fat and I blew it…_ She wasn’t sure if she wanted to run with the excitement coursing through her, or puke.

As they filed off the two transports a Staff Lieutenant Drill Instructor met them; he took one look at them milling about and barked an order. They all got into rank and file without being asked twice. As she slammed her heels together, toes apart, Shepard felt old habits reforming as she stood there, chin up, chest out, arms at her side; she kept her eyes and head forward, staring at a point just past his head, _maybe it’s not habit; maybe it’s the damn subliminal programming_. Williams was behind her, flanked by two men who had longer than regulation hair. _That’s gonna change real fast…_

“Recruits, you’re the invited, the elite, but I don’t give a damn, got that?” He was a beefy man, had clearly been powerful in his day but was slightly worn around the middle; Shepard had to remind herself to not look at him. _Being a civilian is easy… rules are hard…_

“Yes, Sir!”

“You all come from different backgrounds, different home planets and colonies, you all have different ranks – no one here cares. Here you’re all recruits, got that?”

“Yes, Sir!” They all replied and Shepard felt her skin break out into goosebumps. There was something to be said for that feeling, of being a unit, a cohesive thing; _Liara was right, I think I’m going to like this._

“You are at attention: This is the only position you will address a Systems Alliance Marine, officer, soldier, or civilian while on my base, is that clear?”

“Yes, Sir!”

He paced back and forth and Shepard could see his scalp through his hair in the sun.

“Welcome to the Systems Alliance Special Forces Interplanetary Combatives Training. This is only the first step; your success depends on teamwork, you are not here to beat these men and women, you are here to support them. Do that and you’ll all be N7, got that?”

“Yes, Sir!”

“This is N-School, this is ICT, this is not a walk in the park,” he poked a young recruit with wavy hair in the chest. “Welcome to Vila Militar. Here you’ll be training 20-plus hours a day, leading teams through difficult terrain; get used to it now, or fail. We’re going to feed you little, you’re going to sleep even less; get used to it now or fail. If you pass you may be allowed to go onto N2; most of you will not. Get used to that now.” Shepard mouthed it along with him; snapped her mouth closed when she realized where she was, _Ah, fuck, fuck, shit… I’m going to get kicked out on the first day._

“Nobody will know, nobody will care; N6 is the only course anyone cares about outside of these walls, and if you ever receive the coveted N7 insignia you may wear it proudly. Good chance none of you will; get used to that now.” He stopped in front of her column and she gulped. He eyed them all up and down, “Inside, now, go-go-go-go-run! Go-go-go,” they all took off like birds at a gunshot, dashing for the door with their bags in tow, somehow in order.

“Aye, aye, Sir!”

Once the last recruit had entered the gleaming building they were ordered to long tables, where they had sixty seconds to empty their pockets and drop their Omni-tools. Shepard regretted not replying to Aria, and forlornly dropped it on her station, which she labeled J. Shepard. She vowed to find a way to get it back; _it’s not like they’re going to kick me out for that… I’m their pet project now. Self-involved, but true._

“Recruits, file in for haircuts, now,” a younger Instructor yelled,

“Aye, aye, Ma’am!”

“Ladies, your choice: buzz it or bun it, but get it out of my face.” _Do I… mine is already done?_ She figured better safe than screamed at, and as they lined up Jane found herself behind Williams.

“You buzzing it, Williams?”

“No way, Shepard. Why did you?” She shrugged,

“Too short to tie up, too long to stay mud-free, I guess.” After the barber measured Williams’ hair to ensure it was regulation length – trimmed off a few inches when it wasn’t – Shepard sunk down in the seat and stared ahead, unsure if she was allowed to speak to the young woman cutting her hair. She passed the buzzer over her head a few times, but couldn’t get it any shorter than Jack had, so she ripped the collar off Shepard and sent her on her way.

They were instructed to their barracks and given their kit; being the only two women Shepard and Williams got bunked together.

“You a top or bottom, Shepard?” She asked, tossing her stuff on the ground and beginning to make the first bunk.

“Uh, excuse me?” Shepard went bug-eyed, stammering and going as red as her limited hair. Williams looked at her like she was slow; “Ooohh, OH, the bunk, uh ya, don’t care…”

“Okay; you’re a strange one, Shep,” she said, as they finished making both beds together. “First name’s Ashley, by the way,”

“Jane,” Williams threw her stuff on the top just as a Lieutenant came in and counted them off.

They were given a tour and Jane tried to memorize the layout of the giant complex; told they would be spending time in the jungles outside the city, as well as water training at the massive pool they passed. She was pleased to see they got their own version of an Officer’s Club; no booze, no cards, but a few chess and Kepesh-Yakshi boards, couches, taped sports games, and a compliment of guitars as well as an old, rickety piano in the corner. _Probably out of tune, but_ _better than Basic,_ she thought, grinning at the instruments, her fingers itching to grab one. The last stop on the tour was mess, where they were instructed to eat and turn in.

Shepard grabbed her grub and shuffled to a table where Williams sat; her feet felt like they were sandbags; _should not have had vid sex with Liara last night,_ she thought, but smirking at the memory of blue hands sliding through wetness, working desperately between swollen purple lips. Jane instructing her, guiding her: where to touch, how hard, what she was doing to herself and to Liara in her mind. 

Of Liara’s tightly wound expression of impending pleasure: eyebrow markings raised, eyes half closed, lips parted. Her name slipping past those lips when she came; enough to ensure Shepard followed her, her hands slippery but sadly her own. The particular brand of noises she had made: high-pitched but low in volume, trying to keep quiet in her parent’s house. Jane took longer strides, trying to avoid the brush of the seam of her pants; suddenly felt tight, all hot and bothered. _Ah, Jesus, it’s going to be a long three months._

There was a blonde recruit at the table, had brown freckles and long arms; smiled at Shepard as she sat. “I’m Harris, uh, Tom. Harris is my last name,” _Oh, we’re going to get along just fine,_ Jane thought, shaking his hand and laughing at the memory of her stammering self, awkwardly meeting Liara for the first time.

“Shepard, Jane,” she took a bite of slop and her stomach growled as it was fed. A handsome young recruit with a piercing look sat down across from her, next to Harris. As they ate he kept stealing glances as her - soft puppy eyes – and she had to fight the urge to look over shoulder to check for the much prettier, much straighter, recruit he must be staring at. _Really? Williams is_ right here _, and look at her rack, recruit! Look at it!_ She held out her hand, all manly and take-charge, “Shepard.”

“Alenko,” he replied, shaking their hands; he held hers a little too long.

_I have a girlfriend, Alenko…_

“I hear they’re going to make us march through the night,” Harris said with a mouthful of lettuce.

“Nah, that’s later,” Ashley replied, “I have a, uh, friend who did N1 already, after he graduated; Vega is tough as nails too, and even he hasn’t been back for N2 yet.” Shepard sputtered milk out her nose,

“James Vega?!” Williams looked at with suspicion,

“Yah, you know him?” Jane slapped her arm,

“Hell yah, I went to university with him,” _this just got complicated; way to go Vega, and of course you’re tapping Ashley._ Williams nodded, non-committedly, but gave her a look out of the corner of those brown eyes. “I _just_ went to school with him, Williams.”

“None of my business, Shepard.” _Did you not hear my ex was an asari?_

 

After dinner Ashley and Jane were shepherd away to be given their regulation birth control chip, stopping their periods. The men were free to go about their evening; _typical,_ she thought, running her hand over the tiny incision in her arm. She turned the paperwork over in her hands, reading: good for ten (10) Earth years; menstruation can be resumed by having your family practitioner switch the implant’s function from A to B; results can be expected after one month. _Ah, modern medicine_. _Why don’t they hand these out in middle school?_ She thought, _would have made my life a hell of a lot easier;_ remembering the time when she bled through her pants in Grade 10 homeroom, one of the last years she had been at school before joining the 10th Street Reds. How all the girls had laughed at her when she had worn her PE shorts for the rest of the day.

Trekking back to the barracks alone – Ashley hadn’t waited for her, _probably thinks James is sleeping with me, too_ – she looked up at the twilight, the sky all reds and blues, and thought of Liara, so many light years away. _A hundred years ago we would never have met,_ she thought as she pondered the distance between Earth and Thessia, a distance that would have been incalculable back when the moon seemed unreachable. _I never even considered-_ She stuck her hands in her pockets and almost sauntered back to the barracks, the sun dipping behind the mountains; she felt on top of the world, despite being away from the woman she loved, being thrust back into a life she had chosen to walk away from, and standing on the edge of the most difficult challenge of her life – _aside from coming back to life, I guess;_ it was like a drug, that light.

Later, as the twilight faded into true night, as she tried to sleep on the rock-hard mattress, she put her arms behind her head and let out a deep sigh, staring up at the sag in Williams’ mattress; the feeling was gone. She was once again lonely, miserable, wondering where her life had gotten so far off track; had only spent one night in the arms of Liara, and so many more like this: _alone, cold, on a goddamn hard mattress…_

 _I’d rather be back home…_ She closed her eyes again, _do this to be with her, she is home. Every day, with her – that’s home; do it for that._

 

 

“Ah Aria, yes!” Thea grabbed onto the crest between her legs, pressing Aria into her, deeper. “Oh Goddess, don't stop. Don't move.” Aria mumbled something and Tevos jumped into the sensation “ _Ah_!”

She pulled her head back with an audible pop, panting. “Oh, why did you stop?”

“Did you not hear the baby monitor, super mom?” Aria propped up on one elbow, bare purple feet dangling over the end of the bed. Thea's hand dragged lower, mindlessly circling herself, replacing her bondmate’s missing mouth. 

“I'm so close…”

“So is your daughter: to waking up.” They heard a whimper and silence. Followed by an ear-splitting cry. Thea slumped back on the bed, and Aria wiped her mouth and slid off. She rinsed her hands in the ensuite and rubbed her wife's leg, “I'll go.” She waved a wet hand in Tevos’ direction, “You take care of yourself.”

“No, no. It's not the same...” Aria hadn't seen her sulk before and laughed as she left the room, calling out to Liselle.

“Daddy's coming baby.”

Thea's Omni-tool rang and she reached over with one hand, blindly grabbing for it, “Hello Liara.” No greeting, just an astonished voice:

“You're running for councillor? Asari councillor?” Tevos sighed. All mood evaporated once work was mentioned.

“Yes, I am. Your mother told you I presume?”

“Yes, but Thea- how?” Tevos could practically see those blue eyes growing bigger, but didn’t turn on the vid; didn’t think Liara would appreciate the view, _or maybe she would, who knows what goes on in the T’Soni-Shepard house… technically we’ve all been involved, in a roundabout way…_

“I've got the best minds on it, Liara-“ she wondered how many other people had naked, post-sex phone conversations with their coworkers, _ex-coworker now I suppose._ Liara broke her rambling train of thought.

“So Aria’s staff is digging up dirt on Irissa?”

“Yes.” She sighed again, and sat up as Aria returned with a sleepy Liselle. Aria had their daughter on one hip and a bottle in hand, gently offering it to a stubbornly closed mouth. Liselle turned her head and made a sound of disgust; Aria mirrored it, at her wife, raising her shoulders in frustration.

“Well, you know I am an archeologist, right?” Liara said, “I am very good at digging...” Thea held her arms out for Liselle, and once settled a tiny mouth began to nurse, while Tevos lounged on pillows.

“I thought we agreed to wean her-“ Aria said; Thea cut her off with a pointed look: _not now._ She threw her arms up and stormed out, clanking around noisily in the kitchen. _On purpose, most likely_ , she thought.

“Sorry, Liara. Yes, I suppose you did find out about Aria and myself all on your own, didn’t you?” The wheels began to turn, “Okay, well, if you think you’ll have the time…”

“All I have right now is time, Thea,” Liara replied, in a huff, and Tevos laughed,

“Yes, I suppose that is true. Well, Irissa is up to something – probably more than one something if I know her, and I do – I just cannot fathom what.”

“Well, then, we’ll dig.”

“Goodnight, Liara.”

“Goodnight, Thea.” She hung up and gazed down at her sleeping daughter, a swollen purple nipple half out of her mouth, breast milk and drool combining and dribbling off a tiny tongue. She smiled. Aria came back into the room without anything, save a look of irritation. It melted when she saw her family.

“She’ll sleep in here tonight?” She asked, settling in next to her wife,

“Yes.” Thea softly transferred Liselle from her breast to the bed between them and lay down, her face on the pillow so she could see both of them; she could smell the milk on her daughter’s breath and it made her heart balloon. “That was Liara – she wants to help with the campaign,”

“Thea…”

“Aria, I am not changing my mind.” Aria nodded, stroking her daughter’s back and staring at the ceiling.

“Your funeral.” Tevos popped up and glared at her,

“Really? You have that little faith in me?”

“I have that little faith in the minds of the average citizen of this galaxy,” Aria replied, calmly. Tevos hated this Aria, and loved her at the same time; this Aria – not her bondmate, but the Queen of Omega - had two speeds: coolly collected or firestorm. She knew how to deal with her wife’s conflagration. “They will never see pass _me_ to you. The you who could lead them to such success; the dumb fucks probably don’t even realize their current councillor is corrupt, let alone fathom what a great councillor like you could do for them…” Tevos’ anger faded away and she laid back down, staring at the ceiling in mirror image of her wife.

“You really think I’ll be great?”

“You already are,” Thea turned her head to find Aria gazing at her with such softness, such love – looks Thea had seen reserved for exactly three people in the Universe – _four if you count her blossoming bond with T’Soni_ \- that her breath audibly hitched in her chest.

“I will beat her, Aria.”

“Well then, as Blue said, we’ll dig.”


	8. Chapter 8

The next morning their barracks door was flung open at 0400; Shepard groaned and let her feet hit the ground, grabbing socks and standing in front of her bunk, poking Williams to get her moving. “Get up, recruits, up, up, up.” They paced up and down, screaming in random faces as the sixty-one men and women pulled on long blue socks while trying to keep upright. Jane shivered and looked back at her messy bed; “Is there a reason your eyes are not facing forward, recruit?” The beefy DI made her jump, and she whipped her head around, snapping to attention.

“Negative, sir,” she looked past his left ear, nostrils flaring.

“Is your bunk more important than me, recruit?” She shook her head, “I asked you a question, recruit.”

“Negative, DI,” she saw a dangerous glint pass in his eye and closed her eyes. _I’m screwed,_

“Recruit, drop, give me ten.”

“Aye, aye, sir.” She stared straight ahead as she did pushups, almost biting off her tongue to keep her mouth shut.

As they made their beds Williams kept shooting her worried looks, which Jane ignored as she tucked corners and then pulled on fatigues. _Jesus fucking Christ, great goddamned way to start a day_.

Once they were assigned their M8s they got breakfast. The mess hall was crowded, with long tables divided into sections; a large woman in whites spooned slop onto their plastic trays, commanding a rat-faced man with a beard net over his patching facial hair to refill this, to open that. They all grabbed fruit and bread from a table at the end of the bar; the chatter of 50 plus people sounded like the buzz of bees. Shepard didn’t talk while they ate, just stared at her powered eggs and mystery meat. She had taken two bites when the beefy DI who had disciplined her strode to the table. They shot to their feet stood at attention,

“At ease, recruits. Recruit Shepard, follow me,” the rest of them shot her looks, and she gave a forlorn look to her chow before following at his left, in silence. He led her down a long, darkly lit hall, into a coms room. Anderson greeted her and she saluted along with the DI, resuming her stance.

“Shepard, good to see you in one piece; Alliance brass wanted to check in and see how you were settling in. Branson, you are dismissed.”

“Captain,” he left and Shepard swore she saw him give her a smirk, _great. So that’s the idea, huh? Give the wonder kid a hard time on principle…_

“Sir, I don’t need any special treat-“

“Shepard-“

“No, _sir_ , if I’m being forced to be here we do this on my terms. I am simply a recruit here. Your people can take all the notes they want, measure my performance, eye me like a hawk, but if it comes to the attention of any of the other recruits I’m done. Sir.” Anderson laughed,

“Well, recruit, I see you’re settling into the rules nicely; I should have you reprimanded for speaking to me like that.” He shook his head, “alright. We’ll back off, but we insist on keeping in contact; we’re arranging to have an Omni-tool sent to your barracks. If you need anything-“

“Yah, yah, I’ll keep in contact, alright? Sir.” She walked out of the room without any formality, throwing a comment over her shoulder, “but I will not be using that Omni-tool.”

“-she’s in the brig-“

“No, no, I bet she’s doing more pushups: they found contraband in her gear and they’re pulling her.”

“She’s right here,” Shepard said, rejoining the group poolside as she came up behind Harris, Alenko, Williams, and a light haired man she hadn’t met: his name badge read Toombs. She joined formation next to Toombs and heard her stomach growl; hadn’t had time to return to mess. _Probably going to get in trouble for not clearing my dishes._

“In the water, recruits, now,” Branson stood in front of them, pointing to the pool, and they all responded. Harris moved to remove his jacket and the DI was on him in a second; “Did I say change, Harris? Did I say you could even breathe out of turn? I said get in the pool. Now.”

The filed up along side the deep end in pairs and dropped into the water in their full gear. They all got into formation without thinking much of it, treading water and awaiting orders. “Keep it up, 40 minutes, starting now,”

“40 minutes?” Harris mumbled to Shepard, who was on his right,

“Shut your mouth, Harris. Suffer silently or leave my course.”

So they did; using only their legs they treaded, chanting mnemonics and the occasional Oorah, Shepard spat out chlorinated swill and blinked the sting from her eyes, watching Harris sink to his forehead next to her before kicking his way to the surface again, grunting. She slipped and felt the water at her top lip; her legs felt like tight rubber bands, her arms were freezing despite the warm weather; her breath was coming in shallower and shallower gulps. The DIs surrounded them at the edge, leaning over and spewing the occasional insult or encouragement as safety swimmers entered the water, their red goggles making them look like oversized goldfish; _here it comes,_ she thought, already exhausted and realizing this was only a warm up. Branson tossed an M8 into the pool and she turned her head to avoid the splash; watched it sink silently, the metal distorting underwater. One by one they were told to retrieve it, passing it from recruit to recruit as each of them surfaced. Still treading and passing the 12-pound rifle she watched as a Williams, Alenko, Toombs all dove the 18 feet down and came back up with the weapon. Each one of the 50-some times she passed the rifle over her head she sunk lower and lower into the water, her muscles burning, her nose, eyes and even ears stinging from the water. A DI leaned over the side, “use your legs, recruit, and kick hard, powerful, not fast; there, good.” They seemed to be trading off between advice and humiliation as they governed from the wet concrete; ‘if your father’s sperm swam like you are now Jenkins you’d never have been born’; ‘I want you all to be sweating chlorine for the next week, recruits’; ‘your eyes look like puckered assholes, Foote – where are your goddamned goggles?’ She dove next, was surprised how good it felt to use her legs in a different way; the light danced along the bottom, the sun was white down here, bending and shifting. All the cacophony of the surface became muted and she wanted to stay down here forever, _just let them keep kicking above; I'll be down here with the fish and the peaceful lap of water_. Sadly she had a job to do, so she wrapped pruned fingers around the butt of the rifle and frogged her way to the surface, passing the weapon back over her head to Harris, who had to kick, kick, kick to stay afloat.

“Come on, Harris,” she whispered, choking on the pool water, “it’s the first day; don’t be a fucking pussy.” He stared at her with wide blue eyes and nodded, once. When he dove for the rifle she watched his distorted figured pause, hand reaching; he went limp. _He’s slipping._ She heard the DIs scrambling to get the safety divers to him, - “get him out, get him out” – but forgetting everything she dove too, kicking her way to him. Time seemed to stop; she saw his eyes slide out of focus and a single column of impossibly small bubbles leave his parted lips. He looked right at her, without seeing her, and she paused, using her arms to stay at even ballast, frozen. A diver broke the spell, shoving her out of the way. She let out a stream of bubbles and surfaced alongside Harris, who was unfocused but conscious and breathing. He was hauled out of the pool by his collar and laid on his side, coughing and eyes glazed; a river of water poured out of his clothes, his boots, his mouth and nose.

He coughed, twice, heaved violently and spewed more pool water out in a jet. “I’m fine, I’m fine,” he sputtered, looking to the group of six recruits who stood or slumped by the back fence, dripping wet and shivering; all voluntary withdraws after less than an hour. His eyes were shaking back and forth, trying to lock onto something, anything. The medic took a good look at him and nodded to Branson,

“Back in the pool, Recruit.” Harris slipped his goggles back over his face and slid into the pool; Branson caught her eye from her spot in formation but she couldn’t read his expression.

After two hours Shepard thought she might literally die; her lungs cried out for air, her eyes squinting with each breath, her ears ringing. They were given a reprieve, allowed to stand in the shallow end while each recruit swam the length of the deep end without breaking the surface; 40 yards. Might as well have been to Thessia and back.

Dripping wet and weighing an extra 20 pounds from the soaking clothes they were instructed back to their barracks to change into new clothes. Shepard spied Ashley ahead of her in formation, her usually perfect bun coming out in wet strands, her clothing sticking to her like a second skin. They stared at each other with blank looks at their bunk; knew they only had 10 minutes, but couldn’t seem to get their muscles to work. “Shep,”

“Williams,”

“Damn, right?”

“Yah…”

On the field they ran until they puked, did jumping jacks until Shepard felt something in her leg pop, and then ran some more. Squats came next, then marching, then pushups – DIs counting off: _one-two-three ONE, one-two-three TWO, one-two-three THREE._ It was more pushups in 15 minutes than Shepard had ever done in her life. She felt her triceps tear, but swore she also felt them knit back together. At sundown they were given their Physical Fitness Test: pull-ups, at least 50 crunches, and a 1.5-mile run, all timed. As Shepard’s feet pounded on the dirt road, she kept her head low - could feel her blood pounding in her ears. _Surprised it’s not coming_ out of _my goddamned ears_ , she thought, glancing over at a panting Ashley; she stumbled and Shepard grabbed her, keeping her up right. Williams nodded her thanks and kept going, but Jane felt the world spin, and went down like a bag of bricks, puking on her boots while she did. Her forehead in the dirt, she felt her stomach heave, flip, but it had nothing else to give after missing breakfast; yellow bile mixed with gravel under her chin and she groaned, crawling her way back to her feet and hoping there wasn’t a DI in sight. Branson ran past, his voice low but she heard it anyway:

“So, the golden recruit is still human, I see…” He winked. She wiped vomit off her face and began to run again,still unable to read him. Later, after chow and hygiene and lights out she thought of that moment: _Everyone has such high hopes for me… and I’m no one._ She thought of the vid call, the looks from Branson, Anderson asking her if she needed anything; she looked over at the officer lockbox in the corner, knew there was an Omni-tool in there she could request at any minute. _I could call her everyday… except I don’t deserve anything close:_ _Harris almost killed himself, Toombs blacked out on the run and still kept going, Ashley is the only other woman here – she deserves this, not me. They are the ones who deserve special favors._ She sighed and massaged her left arm, where she had felt the tear. Once she noticed that ache all the others spoke up, like unnoticed children begging to be heard.She groaned, rolled over and heard the springs of the bed creak. _I liked my old life and it’s like everyone thinks this is an improvement, like I was missing something; all I am missing is her…_

They had lost 15 recruits; it was Day 1.

 

On Day 2 they marched. As they paused to eat their ration lunches they looked at each other with black-bagged and sunken eyes; had all seemed to have shrunk overnight, their skin taunt, their chatter low and even. Shepard, Harris, Alenko, Williams, Toombs, and a recruit named Johnson all shared the same tree to hunker down under, their packs acting as backrests, their helmets off. They had been made to wear them despite being on Earth, and each recruit’s hair was matted, soaked; Ashley’s looked like seaweed. Shepard rubbed her eyes and took a bite of her sandwich and they swapped boot camp war stories, trying to convince themselves that then was worse than now.

“One time I puked into my own boot while on a fully-loaded hike; couldn’t bring myself to use my canteen water to rinse it out, so I walked in it for the rest of the trek,” Harris closed his eyes and laughed at his own misfortune. _He must have one hell of a specialty_ , she thought, _all the shit he gets himself in._

“So that’s what I smell,” Toombs replied and Tom threw an apple at him, hitting the side of his head. Toombs took a bite out of it and Harris made a small noise, tried to reach it with his long arms. Ashley waved them away and took the floor, leaning against the trunk of the tree and pointing at Shepard,

“You’ll love this, Shep: I was on maneuvers up in the Yukon, and had to take a leak, and the boys couldn’t understand why I needed to trek an extra half mile from the road. So there I am, squatting, my pants hauled down, pulled in front of me, and I fall backwards, onto a patch of ice. Well, doesn’t my ass stick to it - like when you lick a pole – had to radio for help.” They howled, attracted the attention of one of the DIs, who shot them a look and strode toward the group,

“Something funny recruits?”

“Negative, Ma’am,” they replied in unison and lowered their eyes.

“Funny enough to attract the enemy? Your laughs worth dying for, recruits?”

“Negative, Ma’am,” they shot each other chastised looks,

“Good.”

They finished lunch in silence.

 

For the next week they learned marksmanship, close-order drills, weapon maintenance, and began their martial arts and close-combat training. Ashley got Shepard good with a right hook misplaced; missed the bag, hit Jane, and Shepard had a black eye for the week. Each day included fitness, reflection and light class time, but there had been no more pool work, unless you counted Alenko taking a swan dive off an embankment into a creek on an exercise. He had lifted himself out of the muck with a surprising use of biotics; instinctual though they were he had gotten an extra three hours of standing at attention by the Alliance flag after mess for it. Every night during reflection, or right before lights out, Jane tried to write Liara, telling her about their time, how she felt, but couldn’t quite articulate it; could not get it to leave her brain and reach the page intact.

~~It’s hell, Liara. I don’t deserve to~~

~~I have never felt so lonely, so disconnected and lost. It is like you’re not real, like I dreamt the years we spent together, and this was the real~~

~~Do you lie awake at night, thinking of me? Have you gotten so used to life without me, that~~

_Uh, God…_

By the time March rolled around Shepard felt considerably stronger, physically, but could feel her resolve cracking. Each night was an exercise in loneliness, each 0400 wakeup there was a split second where she thought Liara would be there. The nagging feeling of not deserving of this position wouldn’t go away; saw her fellow recruits shrink in number – down to 37 now – excellent Marines-in-training who wanted to be here, wanted the chance, and she was hating every minute of it. She sat cleaning her rifle and began to hum, a melody that was new to her but felt good; Alenko came over and began to clean his as well and she stopped, rubbing her head – _shit, this is getting long already_ – and sticking her tongue out of the corner of her mouth in concentration.

“Don’t stop on account of me, Shepard,” she looked up and saw him looking at her.

“Kaidan.” She returned her eyes to her weapon, willing him to go away. It wasn’t that she didn’t like the guy, she just got the feeling he was undressing her with his eyes. _And not in a creepy way; like he’s still got me in my underwear in that head of his, doesn’t want to sully my reputation, would probably take me to dinner and not even kiss me goodnight until the third date…_ That got her thinking about Liara again.

“Shepard, where are you from?”

“Seattle-Vancouver, you?” She was finished with her rifle, but felt weird leaving now that they were, _ugh, talking, about feelings and shit…_

“No way? I’m from the Toronto-New York area; family history was the Canadian half,” she made an interested noise and got up to leave,

“Well, I have to-“ he grabbed her wrist, and her eyes shot to his hand there, then to his eyes; his warm, hers cool.

“Jane; I, uh,” he let her go, “I liked your singing.” She nodded and walked away, could see him shaking his head out of the corner of her eye.

After the usual torture of training all day they got a pleasant surprise during Personal Time; Branson came into the barracks holding a key and dangled it in each of their faces as he passed.

“This key gives you access to the Recreation Lounge; tonight you deserve it,” he threw it in Shepard’s direction, who caught it and palmed it, nodding. “Go, have some fun.”

“Aye, aye, DI.” He left and they all grinned at each other, checking the clock to see how much time they had before lights out.

 

“And then he grabbed my arm and just kinda held it, looking up at me with those eyes, Jesus, Ashley…” They sat at the bar drinking tea in place of beer, but it still felt great. Behind them Toombs and Harris were playing doubles pool with Jones and another recruit Shepard had met but didn’t know the name of. Toombs and Harris were losing spectacularly. Ashley looked around for Alenko, but he was nowhere to be seen.

“Well, you can’t fraternize, Shep, but after-“ Jane’s laughter was so sudden and loud that Toombs scratched his shot,

“Thanks, Shep, jeeze…” he hit her lightly on the head with his cue as he passed, “Rodriguez, take over for me, I’m done with this shit.”

Jane rubbed the back of her neck and blushed, “Jesus, Ashley; look at me,” she was about to motion to herself but realized they all looked the same in Marine-issue clothes. “Well, okay, but–oh, here!” She dug in her back pocket and fished out a printed holo; it showed a smiling blue asari and certain red-headed human, eating ice cream, arms around each other, Jane in a touristy t-shirt. Shepard looked at it with pitiful eyes, “we went to the museum in Armali…” Williams nodded, a close-lipped smile on her face, all apologies and embarrassment, her first-day comments hanging over them like a bayonet.

“What’s her name?”

“Liara.” Shepard put the picture back in her pocket and sighed; _God I miss her so much,_ the misery of this place had dulled it, but now it was back full force, like a stain on her soul.

“She’s very pretty, Shepard.” Shepard smiled,

“Yah, she is,” she leaned over the bar, reminded of when her and James used to do the same thing; _life is funny, here I am recreating Scenes of Shepard with his goddamned girlfriend…_

They lapsed into content silence and Jane swiveled to watch the boys play pool. She heard a guitar being tuned at the other side of the room and she slid off the stool, watching Harris fiddle with the acoustic. He began to play and she recognized the song right away, went and sat next to him, on the edge of the stone fireplace, and began to sing:

 

_‘Mother I'm fine, everything's ok_

_It doesn't help to worry anyway_

_I'll be back before you know_

_You will be so proud to know_

_I was strong, I didn't let you down’_

 

He gave her a surprised look, too-blonde eyebrows raised, but smiled. Recruits turned and watched the duo; some came over and sat in the low chairs, on the floor. Jones took his pool cue and began to bang out a simple drumbeat to go along and Shep and Tom nodded at him, grinning.

 

_‘Mother I lied, this is not for me_

_I've seen so many people die and somehow I'm still here_

_And I don't know why I should be_

_The lucky one who gets to see_

_Another morning through these tired eyes…’_

Alenko came through the door and leaned on the bar next to Ashley; Shepard didn’t love the serendipity of the situation – made her think of Serrice and Liara and that fateful night a literal lifetime ago. 

_‘Mother I'm fine, everything's ok_

_It doesn't help to miss me anyway_

_I'll be in your heart you know_

_And you will be so proud to know_

_I was strong, I didn't let you down_

_I didn't let you down…’_ ~~~~

Williams raised her mug of tea at her teammates, wooing and clapping. “She’s got some voice,” Kaidan said, grabbing water from the bar fridge.

“She’s also got a girlfriend, Alenko.” Ashley got down from her stool and patted him on the back, gently, lips tucked together and brows cocked; _sorry, better luck next time buddy_. He stuck his lips out and nodded, slowly,

“Of course she does.”

“A hot, asari girlfriend.”

“Of course she does…” He sighed; looking at the water in his hand as if he wished it would turn into beer.

 

And then there were 25.

They dropped like flies, and Jane knew why: she had never been so tired, so sore, so muddy, so utterly spent in her whole life. _Except maybe when I was dead…_ It was outright grueling, learning how to rappel, endure gas attacks, get their hardsuits on in under three minutes, their breather helmets in under 10 seconds, how to camouflage, crawl, navigate by hand and head, how to move as a squad; she felt like her head was going to explode. _Give me research papers any day,_ she thought; except… except something funny was happening: Shepard was falling in love with being military again. Each day she woke up, broken, beaten, feeling like she was a hollow shell, the promise of going out there with her squad filled her with hope, with a sense of duty, and pride. Each night, collapsing into bed, she felt fulfilled. There were nights she felt so whole she wondered how she had ever left this life in the first place.

 _Because if you hadn’t, you wouldn’t have met her._ Those thoughts kept her going: of the next day, of Liara at home, waiting for her. On hard days she would lie awake and wonder: _what if I go home a different woman? What if I find a different woman waiting for me?_ She looked up at Liara’s picture, stuck above her head, one corner tucked into a spring of Ashley’s mattress.

 

Almost every day began with marching, so much marching. _Endless fucking marching_ … They had begun to venture into the jungle, on roads that were little more than mud kept hard by the lack of rain. The sun came down in shafts between the trees, columns of yellow light filtered through the canopy; she took a moment, mentally, to appreciate the beauty of her home planet; the frogs chirped and the bugs buzzed around her head in swarms but the colors of the jungle were endless. The greens were some of the most vibrant she'd ever seen; some of the deepest she'd ever seen. With the sun in her eyes, and the melodious call of the Drill Instructors drifting over the hills like some tropical bird, she felt almost at peace. Looked up into that blinding light and the blue sky and saw Liara’s face in her head, that proud look keeping her going as she stepped over roots; she looked to her right and saw Ashley, to her left, Toombs: they kept her going too.

There were obstacle courses, all over logs and up, up, up, over the bar and twisting, almost falling, two logs now, one foot on each, like a monkey, flying down them, her cybernetics letting her move like water through the tasks; and ropes, flying over pits and pulling herself up, hand over hand, legs outstretched like a gymnast on the way down, curled around it on the way up; firing ranges, sniper training, so glad for modern technology, so glad it wasn’t math and pens and paper; surprise inspections in the middle of the night, all identical blue shorts and t-shirts, making stripped beds and remaking them for no good reason, all: “Get it right, Shepard,” “Williams, get it right!” and “Aye, aye, Sirs’; crawling through tangled wire, barbed wire, stepping through it, blanks firing around her, and culverts full of mud, jamming her gun and covering her face, in her mouth, in her ears; shoulder slamming into walls, into the ground in rolls, carrying dead weight, the dust swirling around them all like smoke from a fire; strikes and counters and falls and snapping in and out of firing position, hiding in tall grass and water and sand; and numb legs from four-hour formations cause one of them lagged behind, and torn nails and broken bones, ‘just wrap it and keep going’, ‘that’s what medi-gel is for’, and a ripped tendon and Yates having to be sent home because he shredded his leg from top to bottom and it got infected from the jungle water.

 

And one day they told they were allowed to make a call. Mess went quiet. It was already quieter than it had ever been; all the recruits now fit at two long tables, and Shepard was meeting people she probably should have months ago: Boxer, who grew up on the first colony, Demeter; Jenkins, who was so energetic he made Harris’, in all his nervousness, look like an elcor; Jamieson, who at age 52 everyone called Dad and had actually seen combat in the First Contact War, had lost an arm and had it regrown. _Me too!_ Shepard cheered in her head, suddenly feeling bad that these people she had grown so close to knew next to nothing about her. Noles, with his military issued glasses, quiet and sharp featured – had an asari wife back on the Citadel, and two little blue daughters; passed their picture to Shepard, who smiled and dug Liara’s picture out and passed it to him; bonded now in some strange way.

After dinner, Jane stood in line tapping her foot on the cement floor and tapping her thighs with restless fingers; _Oh so restless fingers. Too bad we have zero privacy – you know, I almost don’t care; give em all a show.._.She doubted Liara would go for that. She resisted the urge to poke Rodriguez in the ribs while he talked to his mother. Finally she got to the com-booth and dialed Liara’s number.

It rang and rang and rang. _Are you fucking kidding me?_ She glanced around, held up a finger to Harris who shrugged and turned back to Jones and continued to chat, and dialed it again. It rang and rang and rang. She roared and punched the end-button; wished there was some kind of receiver to slam down, like she had seen in old vids. _Jesus, Liara, just fucking… uh, fuck; it’s not her fault, Jane – damn straight it is, she should be waiting by the phone… Yah, put her life on hold for you? Again? Take the Omni-tool: call her. NO! I am doing this like they are, all above board._ She tried not to scowl in front of the other recruits, stormed out into the night, towards the barracks. She leaned behind a steel shed, praying she wasn’t going to get caught, wishing she still smoked, and cried; made sure to dry her eyes before she headed to bed. She lay in bed, facing the empty bunk next to hers, as one by one the other recruits filed in before lights out, chattering about their phone calls. Her stomach sank.

_Are you even waiting for me?_

She woke in the middle of the night, a song ringing in her head. It had been years, without counting the years she had been dead, since one had appeared fully formed. Often she sat, guitar in hand or bent over white and black keys, and composed or wrote lyrics in a flurry, but could only count the fully formed ones on one hand. _When they materialized out of the ether… you gotta go with it._

She had roughly four hours left before she had to be awake and in gear, willed her bed not to creak as she lowered her feet to the ground, so very thankful she had taken the bottom bunk. She crept to the lockbox that held the lounge key, on stocking feet, and jimmied the lock; Jane knew she could quite possibly be kicked out for this stunt, at the very least disciplined severely, would lose any chance she had at being selected squad leader. She snuck out of the barracks anyway, still in her shorts, t-shirt, and socks, clipping the Omni-tool on her wrist, hanging the key off the other. _Needs must._

Shepard flattened herself along the side of the barracks, scanning for the scant patrols the night shift did. She watched a duo cross the far end of the field and stop about half a mile down; could see the orange of their cigarette glowing as they took drags, _Ooo, rule breakers,_ she thought as she dashed out of the shadows, crossing the field and avoiding the patches of light. She slunk to the lounge door and used the key, slipping it back over her wrist, so very glad it was an old model; couldn’t bring herself to use the Omni-tool to break and enter on a military base. She slipped the door closed behind her, holding it so it didn’t slam, and heard it click before she let it go. She stood still, letting her eyes adjust to the dark. Couldn’t risk turning on even a lamp. Jane made her way around the furniture, placed around the room in a mostly haphazard manner, and dug in the bar for paper and a pen. She sat at the piano and composed.

When the first glint of the dawn came through the windows, that pre-light blue, she checked the time: 0340. _Shit._ She put down the guitar and stopped recording on the Omni-tool. She had recorded both guitar parts, the vocals and the piano piece but had yet to piece them together on the app she had downloaded off the extra net, _if it was my own damn Omni-tool I wouldn’t have had to waste the time,_ she thought, _but no, had to give me a military one._ A thought suddenly occurred to her: they were probably monitoring everything she did from this, would know she did not request it – stole it – would check the timestamp; _ah fuck…_ She had twenty minutes to return both the key and the tool, and make it back to her bed, _better get going._ She sighed, looking at the scrawled lyrics and notations.

 

 _‘…_ _I'm okay_

_I just need to know that you're waiting…’_

 

 _Good enough. I hope she understands…_ she thought, locking the lounge up tight and making it back to her bed with time to spare. She tucked the Omni-tool under her pillow, praying there would be no inspections. _Today is going to be a long day._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Absolutely did NOT write the lyrics (in italics in the chapter) the copyright for this great tune is as follows: 
> 
> BETTENS, SARAH  
> Copyright: Double T Music


	9. Chapter 9

“There’s nothing here,” Tevos threw down the datapad and sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose and slumping into the desk chair. On the floor Liselle babbled happily, ripping used paper into abstract shapes before sticking them into her mouth where they became mushy with drool. Aria bent over and picked her up, bouncing her on her hip as tiny fists smeared pulp on her jacket.

“We’ll find something,” Liara looked up from the couch, her own datapad casting an orange glow over blue features, “There has to be something.” She pushed a button on her Omni-tool and her info drone floated into the room, “Glyph, look into Irissa Tevos’ travels, years 2183 to 2185.”

“Yes, Dr. T’Soni,” the melodious voice and subtle glow made Liselle reach out to it, brow markings raised in raptness; Aria could feel her daughter’s small giggles in her own chest.  
“Liara, are you sure about this? If Irissa gets wind of it she could dig up Lazarus, cause a whole mess of problems.”

“Oh I wish they would,” she sighed, going back to her datapad, “The Alliance would be all over her in a heartbeat, probably make her step down on her own.”

Tevos nodded, tapping lightly on her console, filling out the final forms for her bid for the Council spot.

“Well, that’s an idea,” Aria set Liselle back down on the floor and gave her a new stack of paper. “We can just outright blackmail her instead of planning a campaign based on crap we dig up-“

“Aria…”

“Ya, ya, all above board. Got it.” She sat next to Liara and crossed her legs, one boot tapping in the air impatiently, “Heard from Shepard, Blue?”

Liara shook her head but didn’t look up, “No. She promised, but… I’m being mature and optimistic.” She forced a smiled and met Aria’s piercing gaze, “I missed a call while I was teaching yesterday, but the number was untraceable – well, for the average person. I traced it, but it wouldn’t go through when I called.”

“And this is why you’re here helping my bondmate: you traced an Alliance Naval base private number…”

“Well, it wasn’t hard, I simply crossed referenced using an algorithm Glyph has installed and-“

“-Blue. I don’t care.” Liara rolled her eyes,

Tevos rose from her desk and smiled, nodding as she handed Aria a second datapad. She went to the window, looking out over Serrice as they other two lapsed into work-fueled silence broken only by Liselle’s small noises and the tapping of Aria’s foot on the floor; doing was much more her thing. A chime came from Thea’s Omni-tool and a life-sized Irissa popped up when she answered,

“Thea,” her sister scanned the room, “and Dr. T’Soni;” she ignored Aria and her niece. “I had assumed a woman of your lineage kept better company, Liara.” Liara ignored her goading.

“To what do I owe this unexpected pleasure, Irissa?” Thea asked, standing in front of Liselle to shield her from her sister’s gaze.

“My assistant has informed me that there is some suspicious activity regarding my name on the extranet,” Irissa was obviously moving, walking at a brisk pace, and Liara sat up, trying to take note of the passing scenery. She heard a loud speaker, muffled, in the background, saw crowds of aliens and asari alike. “And a breach in my personal files…” She looked pointedly at Liara. Tevos shook her head and gave her sister an innocent raise of her shoulders, a cold and detached mask over her features.

“That’s unfortunate, sister, but this warrants a vid call to me how?”

“I know you’re behind it, Thea, and I assure you it will not help you in your foolish bid to run against me-“

“She’s going to dethrone you,” Aria stood next to her wife, biotics rolling over her skin,

“Control your varren, Thea.” Irissa didn’t even glance at Aria. Thea felt a hot rush of anger, but gently leaned into Aria, trying to calm her with her presence.

“You self-serving, ignorant, fuck-“

“Aria-“ Tevos darted her eyes to her, just a split second, but enough to make her back down. “Irissa, I assure you, we had nothing to do with any _breach_ ,” she lifted her wrist, making it clear the conversation was over. “Perhaps you have more enemies than you realize. Perhaps, you should get your own affairs in order before accusing us of dirty tactics.” Her finger rested above the disconnect, “Oh, and sister? I would prepare a campaign; Aria is correct: I will beat you.” She ended the call and let out her breath, leaning fully into Aria, all feigned calmness leaking away. Aria put a long arm around her waist and palmed her hip, steading her. Thea could feel the rage coming off her waves, silently appreciating that her bondmate was keeping a lid on the boil.

“She’s on Palaven,” Liara broke the silence, walking to the pair and lifting Liselle into her arms after handing Tevos her datapad, where a flight manifest was displayed.

“How-?”

“The loud speaker announcements, the crowd of turians, the paperwork she held – honestly, Thea, I did not hear much of what she said to you; I was focused on those things. She’s on Palaven; that’s something we can work with.”

“Liara, I could kiss you,” Aria said, shaking her head slowly in fascination.

“Please do not,” Liara walked to the couch and sat with Liselle on her lap; the asari girl grabbed at her necklace, trying to stuff it in her mouth.

Thea sat on the edge of her desk, glowering at the data, “Liara, that was remarkable detective work, but, I’m afraid it’s not much – you can set your watch to Irissa’s trips to Turian space: it’s Nyrithi, a turian lover she parades around parties. No secret there.”

Glyph piped up, “Nyrithi Kandros: turian, male-“

“Enough, Glyph,” Liara shooed him away; Aria’s head whipped around and she caught Tevos’ eye. “Turian lover? I never saw the appeal… what?”

“Nothing,” Thea shook her head and looked at Liselle, nuzzled into Liara’s chest, dozing, _but for the grace of the Goddess,_ she thought.

“I know his sister, Liara.” Aria took her daughter and went towards to the hall, “knew his sister…” She left the room and Liara watched her place a tender kiss on Liselle’s crest. She suddenly felt like she had stepped in something, was encroaching on a very personal moment. Thea shook her head at her again, waving it away.

“So, the breach in Irissa’s data?”

“Not us,” Liara replied, stretching, “first of all, Glyph’s program is undetectable. Trust me.” Tevos did, and nodded her consent. “Secondly, even if someone did catch wind of his trail, he is programmed to leave a false path; it would look like regular maintenance.” Tevos pursed her lips and nodded her head several times, lost in thought,

“Okay, so someone else is digging.” Liara nodded at her,

“Yes. It would appear that way,” Liara took her datapad back, “I’m convinced there’s something here, Thea. It did not look like she was arriving to Palaven, but leaving, and according to the Citadel Council records, she is not due back to the Citadel for a least a week.” Tevos flared her nostrils,

“This is ridiculous. I know she’s got illegal holdings, she presses people for protection money on Omega, has insider knowledge of every stock she holds; we just can’t find a single trace of any of it. Aria’s people found it all, and I cannot use any of it…” Liara opened her mouth but Tevos spoke over her, “We _can’t_ , Liara. Irissa will deny it and what proof do I have? Some back alley gossip from Omega: I can just hear her now, ‘Criminal insider trading provided by the Queen of Omega herself.’ My sister would have a field day with it; I’d lose before the voting polls opened.” Liara dropped the datapad on the couch and let out a long breath, tired eyes and heavy heart starting to take their toll.

“That is a fair assumption, yes,” she agreed. Leaving Thea to her own devices she excused herself to the restroom, passing Liselle’s room on the way. Aria was sitting in a rocker, her daughter on her lap, and reading from a voluminous old book:

“ ‘Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show. To begin my life with the beginning of my life, I record that I was born (as I have been informed and believe) on a Friday, at twelve o'clock at night. It was remarked that the clock began to strike, and I began to cry, simultaneously.’ ” Liara watched them from the doorway and felt something pull on her heart; Aria was reading _David Copperfield_. She leaned against the frame and closed her eyes, listening to the voice she associated with exceptional cruelness read in crisp scholarly perfection. _Shepard was always right about her,_ she thought as her Omni-tool beeped and brought Aria’s eyes to her own. They smiled at one another before Liara continued onto the bathroom, checking the message that had come in. _Shepard,_ she opened it hurriedly and saw a single line, her heart sinking.

 

TO: L. T’SONI

FROM: 2nd Lt. J. SHEPARD

SUBJECT: I’m Okay

 

Liara,

I tried to write you a million letters. I tried to call. I’ve been trying to figure out how I feel… So I wrote this for you.

I love you.

\- Shep

 

Underneath was an attached file, which Liara thought was strange coming from sanctioned Alliance communications. She sat on the closed toilet and opened it, Jane’s voice floating up at her, making her smile and feel a strange sense of déjà vu.

 _She’s alive this time, Liara,_ she reassured herself as the song began to play, _Oh, Jane…_ tears began to fall into her lap almost immediately.

 

_‘Look for me right when the lights go down_

_My own little natural high_

_I should be floating on top of the world_

_But I just keep wondering why’_

 

_‘I feel more alone in this wonderful crowd_

_Than I ever do on my own_

_I know that this is a place I belong_

_But I'd rather be coming back home’_

Liara closed her eyes and let Shepard’s voice wash over her, could see her in her mind’s eye, felt it all in sharp relief, all the heartsickness flooding back; two years ago in a bathroom so much like this, listening to a song so similar.

 

_‘Oh I want you to know I'm okay_

_I just need to know that you're waiting_

_You're waiting_

_For me’_

_‘Someone keeps saying I could be star_

_I'm never quite sure what that means_

_It sounds like there's something I'm missing right now_

_I’m not who they think I could be’_

_‘All that I'm missing is you my love_

_Come and find me whenever you can_

_I'll be the one looking up at the sun_

_With a picture of you in my head’_

 

A sob hitched in her chest, “Shepard…” _Am I going to recognize her when she gets home? Has my life gone on too far without her?_

_‘Oh I want you to know I'm okay_

_I just need to know that you're waiting_

_You're waiting_

_For me’_

_‘Oh I want you to know I'm okay_

_I just need to know that you're waiting_

_You're waiting_

_For me’_

 

It ended and Liara played it again, tears drying on her arms. She felt her girlfriend’s missing presence like a force for the first time in months; like she had just died all over again. Yet, there was small part of her that also felt something akin to detachment. A tiny itch at the back of her brain, a meager scrap of doubt; now that Jane was alive... _No, Liara don't think it_ , she chided, as the song ended again. She closed her Omni-tool and stared at her feet, feeling young, ungrateful, lonely, cheated.

 _Except Shepard had left again: she had come back and just left her again._ _I could have gone on with my life..._ _Can I really get used to this; to her being perpetually gone?_ _Alive, but removed from me?_ She sighed, deeply, her tongue sticking to the inside of her mouth, her head pounding.

 

_Am I okay, though Shepard? Am I okay with this?_

She didn’t reply to the message.

 

She passed Liselle’s room, where Aria was standing over the crib looking down at her sleeping daughter. Liara quietly joined her, watching the tiny stomach rise and fall with peaceful breathing. Aria saw her eyes crinkle in a soft smile and put a hand on Liara’s shoulder.

“Blue, I-I never said I was sorry for what I did, with Shepard.” Liara bit her lip, kept watching Liselle.

“I know, Aria.” Aria nodded, Liara saw it out of the corner of her eye, didn’t want to look at her just now. “It seems very small, now. Very far away.”

“I guess you’re right,” she reached down and brushed her finger across her daughter’s cheek and Liara saw an all-too familiar sadness in her violet eyes. “Hold onto her, T’Soni. I know it seems hard, it seems unfair, but-“

“Aria, I have no idea what you are talking about-“

“Sure you don’t; I’m not easily duped,” Aria straightened and gave her a steely stare, watery eyes looking into her, “I see it, Liara. Having been the fleeing party many times, I see it.” She motioned for them to leave and Liara held her gaze for a moment longer, trying to gage how much Aria suspected; how much of what Aria suspected was actually true.

“I’ve just-“ Aria held up her hand,

“Don’t make excuses to me, T’Soni. I’m not the one who needs to hear how you’re feeling.”

Liara rejoined Tevos in her office, Aria on her heels.

“Dr. T’Soni, travel logs have been updated,” Liara spun on the infodrone,

“Glyph? Explain.” The drone floated up to her as she opened her Omni-tool, closing Shepard’s message and opening the data Glyph had forwarded,

“There were logs not attached to Citadel Council expenses. It took longer than customary to find them, Dr. T’Soni.”

“Okay, where did the bitch go that she is trying to hide?” Aria asked, “If she’s not filing them with the Citadel budget it’s got to be good.” She peered over Liara’s shoulder, trying to read the streaming lines of text. Tevos sat up straighter at her desk,

“Yes, I agree. Irissa charges everything to the Council budget,” Liara held up on slender blue finger, brows furrowed in concentration. Aria met Tevos’ eye, smirking,

“Observe the elusive blue T’Soni in her natural element,”

“Aria-“ both Thea and Liara chimed at the same time, as Aria collapsed on the couch.

“Something is going on here,” Liara finally spoke, “she travelled to Batarian Space…” All three of them looked up at each other at once, “why would she do that and risk war?”

Tevos clicked her tongue between her teeth, “The batarians would tolerate the Council in Batarian Space, if it was sanctioned; what’s strange is that anyone had reason to go there. Their leader is slightly better than mad, their propaganda is insane but believed,”

“And you’re going to end up on a pirate or slave ship, if you’re not careful,” Aria pointed a gloved finger at her bondmate, her elbow in the palm of the other hand where it crossed over her chest, “I see them daily on Omega. Put a bullet between the eyes of some batrian slaver at least once a week – both sets of eyes, just to be safe…”

“Where did she go?” Thea asked, opening her console again and typing in the location as Liara read it to her,  
“Harsa, in the Kite’s Nest,” Aria let out a long whistle.

“Let’s hope she didn’t go to Khar’shan,” she said, “we do not want to mess with the Hegemony.”

“Glyph,” Liara said in a loud voice, “what was Irissa’s exact destination?”

“Checking, Dr. T’Soni,”

“You’re really milking that doctor thing, aren’t you?” Aria commented, one arm hanging over the back of the couch. Liara gave her a look.

“Dr. T’Soni,” _remind me to vary that response,_ she thought, “Irissa Tevos docked near Ilem.”

“Thank you, Glyph.” Liara watched as Thea tapped a pen against her chin, reading her screen,

“Ilem? There’s nothing out there,” Tevos eventually said, biting the top of the pen, eyes squinted.

“Near, Ilem,” Aria drawled, “the damn drone said _near_ Ilem.” Liara nodded and punched in a request,

“Glyph, check into Council records, official ones, mentioning Ilem or Harsa.” The drone buzzed, the spherical outer plates shifting around him like rings. Liara’s Omni-tool beeped and she sent the data to Tevos’ console as well. “Four complaints lodged with the Council since 2184: an official request to fund an expedition to locate the Pillars of Strength, a bid to have Verush and Bira labeled galactic historical sites, an open-forum discussion on Spekilas’ influence on pop culture – wait, no, that’s a personal calendar item for Sparatus,” Aria snorted. “Oh, here, this may be something,” she read the file, silently, as did Tevos. Aria threw up her arms at them,

“If you two don’t mind, I want to be part of this,” she snapped her bondmate’s attention back to her with a couch throw pillow to the head.

“Oh, Aria, sorry,” Liara turned and explained, “It seems that a batarian engineer, one Jarl Bar’klen, made a complaint to the Council about a month ago. Wanted to know that he had compiled a list of illegal dockings in Ilem space; the Hegemony spy satellites have been picking up the same readings for a year or more, but no one on Khar’shan will listen to Bar’klen – seems Ilem is a bit of a sore spot for the Batarian government.” Aria nodded, catching the throw pillow Thea returned to her over Liara’s head, “He arranged to have the area scanned and picked up an object, seems to be a cloaked station.” She looked at Tevos, “But why would they send the Asari Councillor to check it out?”

Thea shook her head, “They wouldn’t,” she answered. “Jarl must be the one alerting Irissa’s tracking software, trying to find out more,” Thea looked to Liara for confirmation; she shrugged. “He knows something about her.”

Aria stood and brushed off her leather pants, “Well, looks like we’re going to the Citadel,” she said. “You’re up T’Soni,” a gloved hand pinched her ass and Liara spun on her.

“Why me?”

“Because you’re the doctor, obviously. You have clout into expeditions and shit, right?”  
“Aria, why would an archaeologist want to investigate a space station?” Thea asked, rising as well. Aria opened and closed her mouth, trawling for a comeback; Thea patted her gently. “I will go. My father was the brother of the Salarian Councilor’s cousin, from a 14th generation clutch.” She turned to Liara, “but I would like for you to be there.” Aria looked confused, mumbling about ‘bloody Salarians,’ and ‘other races think Asari biology is complicated?’ Tevos sent a quick email from her wrist, arranging a meeting.

“I will let you know when we get an audience, Liara. Until then, I guess we should get a real campaign together,” Liara nodded,

“Yes, but not tonight, I am beat,” she yawned, grabbing her things and placing a kiss on the corner of Thea’s mouth, “goodnight.”

The sound of Liselle crying came rushing down the hall and Tevos rolled her eyes, shaking her head, “didn’t she just lay down?” Aria raised her brow, it folding her half-moon markings for the briefest second.

“Really, Thea?” A look of disgust crossed her face - was there, then gone - her face relaxing into a marble façade of calm; Liara noticed, then noticed that Tevos didn’t notice. She shot a look to Aria, who waved with a curt flick of her wrist. “See ya, Blue.”

Tevos saw her out and returned to the office. Aria was gone.

Thea sat at her computer and opened a new document, titled it: Campaign, and went to work. It was well after one when she went to bed and found it empty. Tevos found Aria asleep in the rocking chair in Liselle’s room. She left her there, tucking a light blanket around her and placing a soft kiss on her forehead, which was slack in sleep.

 

Liara made a cup of tea and curled up in bed, grabbing a datapad off the shelf and loading a variety of political books onto it from the University library. She sent copies to her Omni-tool as well, opening each to ensure they were working, ignoring Shepard’s email again. She wasn’t exactly sure what had transpired between Aria and Tevos before she left, but Aria’s words had cut to the bone, _“I see it, T’Soni.”_ Was it that obvious? Surely Aria was just an extremely astute individual when it came to reading people. _I cannot believe how I underestimated her for years,_ she thought, rubbing the wrinkle in her forehead out of habit. _Oh, Jane. I want to be here for you – with you – so badly. I just do not know if I can. I love you, but I am afraid I’ve already gone on._

She sipped her tea and wrestled with her demons in equal share, feeling like a fool, feeling like she was crumbling. _Be careful what you wish for, T’Soni,_ said Aria’s voice in her head.

 

 

Aria woke in the chair to Liselle’s tiny voice, babbling like a brook. She cracked her neck and straightened her spine; it popped the whole way up. _Fucking hell._ She noticed a blanket in her lap and inferred it had come from Thea. She stood and folded it, placing it on the chair before lifting her daughter onto her hip and making her way to the bedroom. Thea wasn’t there. “Okay, little girl, looks like Mama is already up,” Aria said, pressing her lips to Liselle. _Why she didn’t come get you, that’s another question._

They found Tevos in her office, typing away.

“Good morning darlings,” she said, a smile breaking her concentration. Aria leaned in and kissed her and held Liselle out,

“Someone wants Mom,” Thea took her and placed her on her lap, typing around tiny shoulders. “Thea-“

“Aria, don’t. I’m busy, I need to gather the evidence we’ve uncovered so Liara and I don’t forget to-“

Aria shook her head, “I don’t do subtle, so I’m just going to say it: I’m fucking sick of this, Thea.” Thea stopped and looked up at her, mouth open and face drawn. “Get your shit together, your priorities. I run a business off world for Athame’s sake, and I still find the time-“ Tevos stood, their daughter in her arms,

“-Aria, I have her right now, she is right here. I am right here. I admit, I am a little distracted with the campaign, but I gave you time to set up Omega, now it is my turn.” Aria turned that info over in her head, not wanting to agree, but taking the point, considering it and judging it as truth.

“Yes, good for you,” she tried to keep her voice level, had not wanted this to be a fight, “but how about, when you’re here with us, _be_ with us? Is that an acceptable _campaign, Councilor_?” She lowered her eyes, “we already spend enough time apart…” Thea looked at her; the last part was soft, pleading, especially for Aria, and rang true: the amount of travel they did to accommodate Aria’s duties and the house on Thessia hadn’t been good for a newborn, and they had traded off trips back and forth until Liselle had been old enough; had been sustained on vid calls, but hadn’t thrived by any means. “Or are we not politically important enough to warrant your time?”

Aria saw Thea’s back stiffen and knew she had pushed it; having a daughter had taught Aria patience, patience she hadn’t had two years ago. Two years ago she would have defiantly stalked off; slept with Shepard, but she still didn’t know when to shut up.

“We have spent time apart because you decided to buy a night club on an asteroid light years away,” She placed Liselle on the floor and sat, turning her eyes back to her screen, dismissive, “When I was heavily pregnant. And now that is not all about you, you complain?””

“So quick to forget, are we, Thea?” Aria narrowed her eyes and hissed between her teeth, feeling the furnace of her temper beginning to glow. “That I had a pregnant bondmate to provide for and had no intention of sitting around.”

Thea laughed, a short bark, “Bondmate? At that point you randomized my DNA and took off for months-” Aria flared her nostrils, closing her eyes.

“-and then I came back.”

“-on drugs. You were on drugs when we conceived her; how can you stand there and tell me how to be a mother to our child?” Aria bit her lip hard enough to draw a smudge of purple, didn’t want to lose it in front of Liselle.

”People say I’m cruel; they’ve never heard you fight…” she tried to keep her voice even, but she felt herself cracking. _She doesn’t mean it; you know how she gets._

 _Yes, except she’s allowed to be herself, and you’ve had to become a censored version of you. Pathetic._ Aria clenched her teeth, breathing deep, wanting to give into the rage she craved, the maelstrom she loved. _Fuck it._ “I was trying to open up civil converse, but, as we both know, I’m pretty fucking terrible at it, so, fuck it. If you want to talk, maybe I’ll be here. Just don’t say I didn’t try.”

Tevos didn’t even look at her. Aria left, stalked outside before she did something she would regret, and sat on the deck, smoking and glowering into the sunrise.

 

 

“Excuse me? I’m looking for Professor T’Soni,” Shepard fidgeted uncomfortably in front of the desk, occasionally looking over her shoulder at the students milling in the hall. Last time she had been here she was one of them, now, _not so much._ She wondered if any of her classmates were still here, if they would remember her. The young woman smiled at her and keyed something into her console, frowning slightly,

“Liara is teaching currently, would you like her office number?” Jane suppressed a grin, wicked thoughts dancing across her mind in quick succession: _waiting for Liara to return in the nude, taking her on the desk she had fabricated in her mind, creating some kind of student persona and demanding academic counsel…_ she blinked to clear her head and blushed as she met the receptionist’s gaze.

“No, no, that’s okay. Can you direct me to the classroom?”

Shepard tried not to run, making a concentrated effort to keep her steps light despite her speed and her boots. Rounding the corner to room 1031 she heard her before she saw her, so much like their first meeting. She paused and took in a long breath, through her nose, swallowing hard. That voice still made her knees weak and it had been far too long since she had heard it. She slowed her pace and approached the room, peeking into the large amphitheatre, which was packed with students of all species and ages. Liara was there, on raised front of the room behind a podium. Jane’s heart swelled as she watched her, listened. She closed her eyes and let the melody that was Liara wash over her, making her light headed, coaxing a strong fluttering feeling in her stomach, her limbs. She opened them again and saw Liara, slide clicker in hand, step out from behind the podium and walk to the projection on the wall. She was the perfect picture of professorship: she wore a high-waisted skirt that made her legs go on and on, a trim white blouse tucked into it delicately, blazer overtop. Heels, smart little office numbers, classy and unlike her usual boots - her calves in those heels, the alluring line of them making Shepard’s mouth water; the click of those heels on the stage did inexplicable things to Shepard after months off-planet. She wore the amber necklace Jane had gifted her, and it caught the light as she moved in an out of the projection’s field. The only thing missing were sparkling earrings, which of course, being asari… Shepard saw Liara finger the necklace, twisting it in delicate fingers, and it was inexplicably erotic in that moment. She made up her mind, entering the lecture hall through the open double doors in the centre, and waltzing in with confident strides. She got halfway down the sloping aisle before the first students turned and looked, whispering about her military getup, her duffle, which she dropped with a thud loud enough to make the professor turn abruptly.

“Shepard?” Barely a whisper, again, as if every time she saw her it was the first time since death. Liara’s mouth dropped open, taking in the perfect form of Shepard in her uniform, standing stock still and up tall in the middle of hunched students. She felt a flutter in her chest and took in a deep breath. Shepard could see her breasts heave from her position on the floor. She snapped off a salute,

“2nd Lieutenant Shepard reporting for duty, ma’am.”

Liara took a step toward the edge of the stage, but Jane beat her to it, vaulting over the lip and taking Liara in her arms and dipping her into a heart-stopping kiss. One of the asari’s feet left the ground, bent back at the knee, and she swooned into Jane’s arms, her scent making her brain fog, the softness of her lips drawing a moan from her, audible only to Shepard. One arm went limp at her side, datapad still clutched in a death grip. When the kiss ended Jane shifted her centre of balance and scooped Liara’s body into her arms, back cradled in one arm, knees in the other. Jane modestly adjusted her skirt where blue legs were dangling, put on display. The class whispered and murmured, catcalled and whistled sharply; one began to clap. Shepard saw flashes of disappointment and jealousy in more than one set of eyes, _don’t blame you kid,_ she thought, _but sorry, she’s all mine._ “I believe class is dismissed,” Jane said in her loudest voice, looking to Liara for confirmation, who stammered something and went purple, eyes downcast for a moment, before clearing her throat. She turned her eyes to a beaming Shepard, all grins and dancing eyes,

“Uh-yes, please read the rest of the chapter before your exam next week,” she said from her perch in Shepard’s arm, feeling very foolish. Jane debated carrying her out of the room like this, but knew Liara would only tolerate so much, so she set her down with a flourish. The professor stepped back on unsteady legs and brought trembling fingers to her lips where they still burned from the kiss. The students filtered out slowly, the room buzzing about Professor T’Soni’s girlfriend, as Liara packed up fastidiously. At last they were alone. She stepped into Jane’s personal space, “Shepard, you shouldn’t have done that.”

“Ya, but I’m glad I did,” she put calloused hands on Liara’s lithe waist, dragging her closer, “please tell me you’re done teaching.”

“I have a class this afternoon,” Liara breathed, an inch from Shepard’s lips, eyes closing against this forgotten closeness. Shepard ‘hmmmed’ and ran one hand along a blue cheek.

“Well, I guess we don’t have time to go home, then?”

“No,” Liara barely got it out as the hand that remained on her waist pulled her in even closer, breasts crushing, thighs meeting. Jane ‘hmmmed’ again and began to kiss her throat, taking a moment to press her face against Liara’s warm neck,

“Guess we’ll have to find somewhere private?” She ran her hand between their bodies, up under her skirt, and Liara whimpered and clutched at her back, finding new sheets of muscle, legs shaking.

“Shepard-“ Jane pulled back and brought a finger to her lips,

“Please?” Liara saw the raw need in those green eyes and licked her lips, nodding and grabbing Jane’s hand.

“Come, then.” Shepard smirked at the order, the promise, and let herself be led out of the hall and into the back stairwell she had used on that day a lifetime ago. Once the door clicked closed Liara pressed her against the cold wall, taking her another kiss, her hands running up under Jane’s shirt, along her hips, into grown-out again hair.

“Here?” Shepard asked as they parted for breath. Liara shrugged, “I have a better idea.” Shepard took her in her arms again and flipped her up and over her shoulder, where Liara squealed and laughed, slung over her as they went up flight after flight of stairs.

“You can stop showing off your new muscles now, Jane,” Liara complained, half-heartedly, as they made it to the sixth floor landing and Shepard set her down gently.

“You love it, T’Soni, don’t even try and lie,” Shepard kissed her before darting ahead down the hall, to override the lock on the janitor closet door she had passed so many years ago. She pulled Liara inside as she caught up, “this has been on my mind for years,” she whispered as they fumbled in the dark, stepping over buckets and sending brooms and mops crashing against the opposite wall. Liara found the light,

“Oh, has it?”

“Mmm hmmm,” a bite to her collar bone as Shepard pushed back her blazer, “it has.” Deft fingers undoing blouse buttons with the same skills she used to assemble and disassemble her rifle.

“Lech,” Liara shrugged the shirt off her shoulders, bra following.

“You have no idea,” her skirt yanked up, Jane too impatient to wait for it to be taken off. Liara jumped as Jane’s fingers slid up over the front of her underwear, dragging it down by the elastic band. Her skin tingled, the touch new after so long apart, driving her to buck forward, rubbing herself against Shepard shamelessly. _Goddess, she still drives me wild,_ she thought, burying the blot of sadness she felt deep down.

“I do,” she whispered, stepping out of her panties and continuing to encourage Jane’s touches, rubbing herself against her hand as she sucked on a pale earlobe, “I’ve been in that head, don’t forget.” Jane hummed her agreement and brought her mouth to Liara’s nipples, using her tongue to tease each one into a hard point that had the asari moaning and fisting her clothes. “Oh, Jane... _ah_.” Shepard thrust inside her with one hand and used the other arm to lift her into the air, pushing her into the shelving unit on the wall, where bottles and boxes crashed around them. Liara wrapped both legs around her waist and took her in deeper, kissing her neck, her ears, any bare skin she could find.

“God, Liara, I’ve been thinking about this for months-“ Shepard angled forward, using her thigh as leverage and trying to grind herself against the back of her own hand; she needed to be inside Liara, but needed something more; it wasn’t enough. Liara’s breathing was coming fast and hard, her head tipped back, black eyes staring at the ceiling as she rocked, taking all Shepard was giving her, “join with me.” Liara didn’t need to be asked twice and as their minds found each other Shepard cried out, hadn’t realized how much she had missed this connection. Liara’s arousal became her own and magnified her own; Jane could feel everything she was feeling and it took the edge off the ache between her legs. She fell into the bright light of Liara’s mind but vaguely noticed it had dimmed, was blemished and scarred when before it had been shining, bustling, eager. Shepard felt walls where open landscape had been; fences up against intruders or gates to keep something in, she wasn’t sure. She was about to question it when she felt Liara tumble over the edge, dragging her along. They stiffened and barked out harsh yells. Liara’s lower back, thighs, shoulders dug into the shelf, but all she felt was Shepard, who leaned her weight in and buried her face in her neck, “Oh _God_.” It felt like the first time again, the space and time apart driving their craving for each other to a new level, their emotions raw: red and desperate. They came down slowly, Jane breathing against her skin, eyes closed, Liara clenching and fluttering around her hand, her fingers digging into her shoulders.

 _If your students could see you now…_ Jane thought, grinning into that slick neck, _see their teacher desperate and begging for it in a closet._ Liara smacked her back and groaned, exhausted and sore.

_You had to go and ruin a perfectly good moment… why are we talking about my students?_

_Well, the way some of them looked at you – not that I blame them, mind: the young, hot professor, dressed like a wet dream-_

_Jane…_

_-The dashing Marine, sweeping her off her feet. Literally._ She sent out the mental image of the memory, of how her legs looked peeking out from under her skirt in those heels. Shepard felt a rush of shame, embarrassment, but then pride, all from Liara. _Ha, you love it._

_Jane…_

_-Sorry, folks, your teacher is needed for very important galactic business, we must away._

_Jane…_

_I love you._

Jane felt her separate herself, not physically, but in spirit, like a cold air rushing into a small space. Their bodies pressed together, still, their sweat mingling where they pressed bare skin to bare skin, blue to pale, their breath in tandem, but their souls drew apart.

Liara didn’t say it back, but sent a wave of emotions through the meld and disengaged their connection, sliding off the shelving unit. Shepard felt herself grow small, inside, Liara’s unexpected behaviour a scorching lash, leaving a deep chasm in her. She stared at her as she gathered clothing from the floor; saw her as a stranger for the first time. _Liara, what is going on?_ Liara looked up at her as if reading her mind, blue eyes staring into her with an Aria-like quality. She reached over and cupped Shepard’s cheek in her hand,

“How long are you home?” She asked, leaning against the wall, hands behind her,

“Ten days, technically,” Shepard said, pulling her clothing back into alignment from where it had shifted during their tussle; she was a bit disappointed that Liara hadn’t made a move to remove them, to continue to touch her once the edge had been taken off their desire.

“But…” Liara knew there was one there. She darted her eyes to Jane, over her, not resting them on her longer than necessary. She began to pull her skirt down, righting it, before button her blouse and dusting dirt from her blazer.

“ _But_ , I have to report to Anderson in a few days, for O testing. I’ve been invited back for N2,” Liara smiled, almost sadly, but didn’t congratulate her. Shepard reached out and grabbed her wrist, drawing her back, making her meet her gaze. “Honey, what-“

“I have to get to class, Jane,” she pressed her lips together and stared at Shepard for a long time, before sighing and stepping closer, kissing her, softly. “I am trying, Jane,” she saw Shepard’s brows draw together and stand up taller. “This is simply not how I imagined our life would be when you… when you came back.”

“I know.” Her lips suddenly felt very dry. “I’ll see you at home?” Liara nodded before opening the door and letting the harsh overhead light from the hall in. “Home is still, I mean, our apartment?” Shepard didn’t know what she was expecting; _do we still have a home?_ Liara smiled, laughed a little,

“Yes, sorry, yes.” The door closed with a hiss and Jane was left in the dark. In more ways than one.

 

By the time she made it back to the lecture hall for her duffle, Liara’s things were gone. The hall echoed with her boot steps, her heart echoed with all the unsaids; that human centre of emotion rolling with the blankness of Liara. _I knew she was upset I had to enlist, but…_ Jane didn’t finish the thought, just stood for a moment in the rows of seats and looked at the empty stage. _Come back to me. I came back to you…_ she slid into a seat and reclined in the chair, feet spread, hands on her stomach, surveying the place she had left as a student and returned a solider. She remembered sitting in this very hall, ignoring her professor and peers, her heart on rapid fire as they tried to plan for the parenthood that never came. She wondered about her final exam, the one she hadn’t lived to see marked, about the café, if she should go see Jack… _Booze is a bad idea, Shep._ Her eyes scanned the rows; _maybe it would have been better if I hadn’t…_ The life she left behind, of papers and classes and young love, seemed so wonderful. How had it all gone off the rails? Eventually she stood and began the short walk home.

 

Passing her hand over the sensor she was relieved when the door opened. She stood in the hallway for a moment, a wicked sense of deja vu taking hold. The place looked exactly the same, but smelt different, of Liara, not a trace of herself. As she wandered she noticed nothing had changed, and yet everything had changed. Her piano stood where it always had and she ran her hands across the keys, but the appliances in the kitchen had been upgraded, as had the blinds. The rug they had so often made use of in the living room was gone, replaced with something less plush. Jane wondered if it was subtle hints directed towards her terrible taste, or if it was Liara not wanting ‘Reminders of Shepard’ as her décor theme. Only the additions from Liara’s Shepard-less life marked any passage of time: an art piece here, a new couch there; her PhD in the office, a stuffed bookshelf, a new quilt on the bed, a bathroom filled with only asari products. Jane stopped in her tracks, spying her two-year-old body wash in the shower. _Oh, Liara…_ It broke her heart; one unfinished bottle slamming home her lost time more than anything else had. _You couldn’t let me go, and now I’m here and I can’t make you see me…_ Logically, Jane knew she should have expected this. She knew Liara, knew how she processed stress, and some adjustments, time, wasn’t too much to ask. Yet, it was splintering her, unraveling her tiny thread by tiny thread. Every cold word, every walled off portion of her mind, every ‘I love you’ not said. Every time she saw nothing in her blue eyes. _Don’t give up on me, Liara. Don’t give up on us._

 

Liara paced her office like it was a cage. With class done and the building clearing out for the night she knew she should head home to Jane, but she couldn’t bring herself to cross the threshold. She had expected more time, just a little more time, to process her feelings, to sort out the tangle of her heart and mind. She didn’t know how she was going to look Shepard in the eye and pretend, was certain she would see the uncertainty in her eyes; was sure Jane already had.

If she treated this like a data gathering project it still came up inconclusive: her body desired Shepard, her heart ached when she remembered their before-time - she had wanted this, couldn’t bear the thought of life without her - but, somehow, without her heart’s consent, it seemed as if her brain had moved on while waiting… Seeing Shepard again was like seeing a stranger, a visitor, a memory come to life.

Liara threw her pen across the room, making a frustrated sound in her throat. The simple fact was she didn’t know if it was Jane she loved, or the memory of Jane. _Not knowing, well, Liara,_ _not knowing means you_ do _know…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Absolutely did NOT write the lyrics (in italics in the chapter) the copyright for this great tune is as follows: 
> 
> BETTENS, SARAH  
> Copyright: Double T Music


	10. Chapter 10

_Buzzzzz_

Shepard pulled the cotton tee over her head and smoothed her hair, picking up her Omni-tool.

 

_A little birdy told me a handsome stranger in military dress swept his professor off her feet yesterday. Very impressive, Shep_

_Aria,_ she grinned, sitting on the bed, the mattress sagging under her as she bounced.

**_Of course you know I’m home…_ **

_Did you doubt it? I have my ways. Were you gonna come see me, or?_

_**Was just about to suggest it  
** Abyss, or our place?_

**_Where the fuck is Abyss?_ **

_Right, you were dead. I renamed the café. Couldn’t have suppliers sending my shit to Thessia when I ordered it to Omega. Would make the Matriarchs very cross to receive a ton of red sand._

**_And naming your club something else never crossed your mind?_ **

She took a moment to think. Didn’t really want to share Aria with Jack; didn’t want to go back on campus right now.

**_Ok, your place._ **

_Trouble in paradise, Shep?_

Jane shook her head; _how did she always know?_ She thought. 

**_I’ll see you soon_ **

 

Shepard closed the stream of messages and finished dressing, taking her time to pick out something that wasn’t army green or navy blue. It was after lunch, and she had blissfully slept the morning away for the first time in months – through Liara leaving for work; Jane didn’t even know if she had tried to wake her; couldn’t really blame her if she hadn’t. _You need to stop putting your foot in your mouth, Shepard…_

Liara wasn’t home yet, but as Jane had no idea of her teaching schedule she wasn’t particularly bothered. She actually cherished the time to sit, alone, and think it all over while having her cup of coffee and bagel. Yesterday she had done the same, waiting for Liara to come home:

 _She had sat at the kitchen bar and poured a generous amount of scotch into a tumbler and turned on the stereo, all her music still programed in. As she sipped the peaty liquid she rubbed her forehead, trying to massage out the pending headache she felt behind her eyes._ Give her time, Jane, _she thought._ Don’t forget, she is who she is; you can’t change that. _Sighing, she downed the rest of her drink and shut off the music;_ I feel like we’re just running in circles.

Give her time.

 _Liara had arrived home after dark, making herself smile as she closed the door and dropped her bag in the hall; candlelight and delicious smells greeted her from the kitchen. Shepard stood by the stove, in an apron, spoon in hand, sipping scotch._ So much like before, _she thought,_ it could all just go back to normal… _Liara took a deep breath and approached her, putting a light kiss on her cheek._ Try, for her, _she thought, leaning over the pot and taking a whiff of pasta sauce. “You went shopping?” Jane, still fluttering from the show of affection, brought a spoonful of the sauce to blue lips, letting her taste it._

 _“Yep. You had nothing in that fridge, T’Soni,” Liara wiped her mouth where sauce had dribbled and laughed. “Go, relax. This will be ready in a minute,” she removed the apron and placed the pot on the table. Liara headed to the liquor cabinet, looking over her shoulder at Jane, at the set table, the candles._ She loves me so much. Goddess, what am I doing? _They made small talk over dinner, stood shoulder to shoulder doing dishes after, light touches looking like the everyday of antique love; the familiar dance of domestic life. In reality they didn’t know how to be around each other anymore, every whisper of skin contact like an electric shock; a shade drawn over their life, like a caul. They retired to the bedroom, where Liara changed into the rattiest pajamas she owned and began to dive into her work for Tevos. Shepard watched her, all thoughts of romance leaving; took her time at the dresser, trying to find something to fit her and trying to ignore the sinking feeling. She climbed in next to Liara and watched her until the asari felt it, turned to her, putting the datapad on the bed._

_“Thank you for dinner, Jane. I had almost forgotten how good your cooking is,” she smiled and went to pick up the datapad. Shepard stopped her with a touch, rolling onto her side,_

_“Can we talk?” Liara blushed,_

_“I believe we are, Shepard,” Shepard let out a long sigh, “I am-I am sorry, Jane. I am trying very had to be here, to not disconnect. This is all…” She waved her hands, unable to articulate. Jane nodded, running her hand along her stomach,_

_“I didn’t hear from you…” she looked at the ceiling, willing the tears away, unable to look at the haunted look in Liara’s eyes any longer; couldn’t bear to think about the fact that Liara seemed more comfortable in this bed – now more Liara’s than theirs – alone. “Are you okay?”_

_“No, I am not,” Liara turned off the datapad, resigning herself to this conversation, “I do not know what happened, but I am angry, and sad, and am trying to adjust… I am sorry,” she touched Shepard’s cheek, drawing her eyes back to her. “It is not your fault, it is just what my heart feels.”_

_“Do you want me here?” Jane couldn’t live beating around the bush any longer, “Because I can go. I don’t want to go, Liara, but, if you need me to go-“_

_“-Jane, please, understand, that I do not even remember what this - us - was like…” Shepard nodded,_

_“Okay, just, please, don’t push me away, Liara. We can work on this, together. Don’t be like your mother and do this alone, in the shadows,” she hadn’t meant for that to sound so cruel, saw Liara’s eyes narrow;_ that hit too close to the mark. _“I’m sorry, that came out-“_

_“-exactly as intended, I believe,” she rolled over and turned off her lamp. “Goodnight, Shepard.” Jane leaned up on her elbow, trying to peer over into Liara’s face,_

_“No don’t, please. I want to talk about this,”_

_“Just give me time, please.”_

 

She keyed in Aria’s address and sat back in the cab, watching Thessia fly by, enjoying the view; relearning the city in pieces. “Place sure has changed,” she said to herself, running her hand through her hair. Nervousness had begun to bubble: would Aria be the same? Would she treat her the same? _Everything else has fucking changed…_ She stepped out of the car and looked around. All the sleek townhouses looked identical and it struck Jane as hilariously perfect that the most unique individual she knew lived in the most ordinary place in Serrice; that Bad Boy T’Loak lived in the goddamn suburbs. She didn’t have to look long: she heard a door open and a long whistle.

“Jane Fucking Shepard, you’re a sight for sore eyes,” a voice yelled from the doorway and Aria rushed down the steps at her. “You don’t look dead at all; I was expecting more green.” Shepard smirked at her, standing there in the same corset, the same jacket, one hip cocked out as always. _Damn, it was always so easy with Aria._

“Jesus, T’Loak, how the hell are ya?” They stood apart for a split second, unsure how this was supposed to play out. _Do we hug? Fist bump?_ Aria closed the distance and solved that riddle in one move, giving her an awkward half hug, thumping her back. Jane felt her stiffen for a second – felt herself do the same – _she smells the same,_ she thought. _Trouble in paradise, indeed…_

 

“Where’s your kid?” Shepard closed the door behind her and gazed around hallway, into the kitchen; toddler toys were strewn about, “I know she’s real, can see the evidence: a far cry from the last time I saw you leave a messy house.” She raised an eyebrow, which Aria returned with a rude gesture.

“Fuck off, Shep. She’s napping.”

“Tevos?”

“Working upstairs,” Jane sat at a stool at the kitchen bar.

“Ah, yes, Councilor Tevos,” Aria’s back straightened for a moment as she reached into the fridge for drinks, but she wore a grin when she turned back around.

“Yep, gonna be a kept woman, Jane; you know how much councillors make?”

They caught up over brandy; a nice parallel to their first meeting, Shepard thought, smiling into her glass.

Aria told her about the campaign, about Liara’s help, about Irissa and the batarian. Jane had Aria in stiches with her stories of N1.

“-Ya, then they caught me, of course. Spent two more months scrubbing latrines: every free fucking moment; it was worth it,” she looked over Aria’s shoulder. “Come to think of it, maybe it wasn’t: I don’t even know if the damn message went through. Did Liara say anything about the song?”

“Have no clue what you’re on about, Shep,” Aria placed her glass in the sink, eyed Jane out of the corner of her eye as her freckled face went dark; she guzzled the rest of her drink in one gulp.

“Hmmm. She hasn’t said a word to me about it;” under her breath: “hasn’t said very many words to me.”

Aria went to her, put a hand on her leg and opened her mouth to speak, “Shepard, she’s-“ Jane shook her head,

“Aria… you don’t have to… I just don’t know what’s going on…” she lowered her eyes, staring into her empty glass. A purple finger lifted her chin, a dark tongue wetting purple lips; Shepard mimicked the action without realizing. They were too close, suddenly in each other’s space, and-

The baby monitor on the counter went off, making them jump. They both inhaled, sharply; had been holding twin breaths.

 

They found Liselle standing in her crib. She took one look at the alien in her room and began to wail, “Oh, babe, give it up,” Aria said, her soft, soothing tone in juxtaposition to the words. She picked her up and placed her against her chest, rubbing her back and bouncing her. “Don’t let the ugly human scare you. That’s just Auntie Shepard.” Jane’s eyes went wide; _who was this person? Where did Aria go?_ She laughed, despite the crying baby, and bit her lip when Aria glowered at her. Eventually Liselle turned around in her father’s arms, scowling at her with the same intensity.

“Jesus, she looks-“

“Just like me? Ya, she does,” Aria grinned and held her out. Jane shook her head,

“Oh, no-no, no.” Babies always made her awkward,

“Come on, hold my kid; don’t insult my hospitality,” Shepard took the squirming mass of purple and Liselle instantly reached up and pulled her hair.

“Ow! Jeeze… last time you said that to me, T’Loak, we ended up in bed.” Aria shrugged, raised her eyebrow markings as she tucked her daughter’s blankets into the mattress. “Speaking of, are we going to talk about what almost just happened?”

“Nope,” she walked to the doorway, headed out into the hall, leaving Shepard behind.

“Because I love Liara,”

“And I love Thea,”

“Ok.”

“Great.”

Shepard paused in the hall, taking a stock of the tiny asari in her arms; how close she had been to having one of these. _She would have been about the same age…_

Aria’s voice drifted from the living room, “the real question is, Shep: do they still love us?” Jane stared into little purple eyes,

“Hey, little girl, what do you think?” Liselle smiled, tugged at her hair again, “Ya, I agree… life hurts.”

Thea joined them shortly after, welcomed Jane into her arms and her home; made them dinner. Shepard debated messaging Liara but didn’t.

After they ate, Tevos excused herself to bathe Liselle and Jane watched Aria sweep spilled food off the floor.

“So,” Shepard began, sipping coffee,

“So?” Aria asked from her bent position. Jane ran her finger along the lip of her mug, round and round, mirroring how she felt inside: spinning. The asari looked up at her,

“I had quite the interesting night last night. My girlfriend would barely speak to me…”

“Oh, we’re going to talk about feelings now?” She dumped the mess in the garbage, “Good. My favourite thing,” she rolled her eyes, but Jane saw the same look in them that she had seen on a fateful night, sitting at another kitchen table like this. Aria sat with a swagger, crossing her arms and legs, “Okay, shoot. What do you want to know?” Jane took another drink from her cup, unsure. “Nothing? Chicken shit.”

“Aria-“

She sighed, tapping her fingers on her arm, “She’s leaving you, isn’t she?” Shepard started, coughed, “I hit close too home, didn’t I?”

“Fuck,” she wiped coffee off her chin, inspected her shirt for stains, “I don’t know.”

“Seems like it to me. She’s barely talked about you since you went away on your little military field trip,” Aria looked over at her, gaging her reaction. Jane stared back, stony-faced. “I’ll level with you, Shepard: I have a lot of experience in breaking hearts – if the tracks I leave aren’t deadly, they’re at least permanent – and Blue is leaving those on you right now. She’s gearing up for it.”

“Well, shit. I know.” Jane drained her coffee and rubbed one large hand over her face. She stood, unable to stomach any more of this, had wanted it all to be in her own mind. “There’s only so much I can take, Aria. Eventually I’m going to give up on her too.”

“Well, what the fuck do I know, right? Maybe she’s just freaking out? Maybe you’ll get married, have a lot of nauseatingly moral and ridiculously smart kids.” Shepard felt weak; that future had never seemed so far away from reality as it did right now.

Jane grabbed her jacket, slung in over one shoulder on her thumb, “I should go.” Aria flicked her hand at her,

“I guess you should, but, Shep, give Blue a reminder from me? Ask her if she wants her end to go down like this.” Jane looked puzzled, but nodded, letting Aria open the door for her. They stepped out onto the front porch, spring air blowing red hair into Jane’s face. On impulse, Aria reached over and brushed it off her forehead, her cheek. Shepard felt leather, felt heat, felt times gone by; she felt loved.

“Aria…” Aria slipped closer, time slowing as Jane’s trembling fingers fumbled towards cheekbones, fluttering on scaled skin. She closed her eyes, _it would be so easy…_

“And tell her she’s making a huge mistake,” Aria stepped back. Jane almost whimpered. As she closed the door Shepard thought she saw those gloved hands tremor.

 

Unlocking her own door, Jane saw Liara sitting on the couch, reading. “Hi,”

“Hello Shepard,” she looked up at her, marking her page before setting the book down; it was one of Jane’s. Shepard went to her, sat next to her, the foot or so of space on the couch a marker of the emotional distance. “Thea told me you joined them for dinner?” Jane nodded, rubbing her hand along her neck, as always. _See, Liara, I’m the same. Everything should be the same…_ Liara took her wine from the table and took a sip, looking at Jane over the lip of the glass. “Jane-“ Shepard took it and leaned across the dividing line to kiss her. Liara pulled back, saw the hurt in Jane’s eyes, and made herself close the inches. She put a finger to Shepard’s lips, trying to heal the wounds with the simple touch. Jane’s eyes pleaded for more, for anything more. _Say something, Liara. Don’t make me give up on you._

There was an apology in those blue eyes.

“Liara, when I leave, you could come with me,” Jane broke the silence, broke eye contact. “Follow me to Rio for N5, if I make it. You could come to Earth,” she took a drink from Liara’s glass, staring at her, staring at the stranger who she had planned a life with; feeling like a guest in her own home. “They have housing for Marines with dependents…” Liara twisted her necklace in her fingers and this time it made Shepard’s stomach roil, knew her answer before she spoke. She wondered, silently, how the butterflies of love and the swirl of impending doom could feel so similar. She filled the silence, “You could take a sabbatical…” Liara closed her eyes and rubbed her temple.

“I am not dependent on you, Shepard.”

“No, it means wives, children,” Jane sighed, _which you know, Liara…_

“We are not married, bonded,” she picked up her book, turning it over in her hands, thinking about what her mother had told her. Jane put her hand over it, stilling the movement.

“No. We’re not.”

Liara rose, walking to the kitchen and grabbing another wine glass, filling it before opening the fridge and rummaging around. “Say something,” Jane whispered. Liara closed the door without anything in her hands, turning back to face her.

“Like what, Shepard?” She rose her arms in defiance, “I am trying,” Shepard rose as well, walking to the full-length windows. “You were gone… I-I learned to live without you.”

“I came back.” She said, quietly, pressing her head to the glass, her stolen wine in hand. “Liara, I had no choice.” She heard the sound of bare feet, the creak of the couch; turned around, sickly hot, unplaced guilt threatening to spill out.

“I know, Shepard. Logically, I know that. It doesn’t change the fact that we were apart for so long…”

Shepard took a long look at her, trying to see past the words and into her; knew she could ask to meld with her, see what she really felt: green eyes met blue for what felt like eons. “We-we’re different people.”

“No, we’re not. God, Liara,”

“Well, _I_ am a different person, then.” Liara opened her book and Jane’s eyes went too wide, too white; _can she actually dismiss this – dismiss me – so easily?_

“Liara, look at me.” She didn’t. Liara kept reading, or pretending to; Jane saw her shoulders hitch, could see she was crying. She threw her wine glass into the fireplace, “Look at me!” It shattered and Liara jumped, recoiled. Deep red dripped down the stone. “I didn’t do anything! I didn’t do anything wrong,” Shepard pleaded, sinking down onto the ottoman, begging her with her eyes. “Goddamnit, Liara. I feel like a fool, this whole time I was clinging to you for strength, desperate to see you. You weren’t even thinking of me.” Liara looked at her over her shoulder, tears staining her cheeks.

“That is not fair, Jane. Every day.” She put down the book, spinning so her feet were on the ground in front of the couch, “Every day was you.” She let the tears hit the floor, “Every day I woke up wondering ‘is this the day she comes back, or is this the day they tell me they lost her?’ After two years that is exhausting, Shepard.”

Jane leaned into her, their knees touching, two immigrants in each other’s space, “I thought it would be… I am having trouble reconciling my expectations.”

Jane reached out to her and Liara took her hand, running her thumb over new scars, a sob shaking her. Shepard felt sick, like the gravity in the room had doubled.

“What about my expectations? Like returning to the woman who ‘couldn’t let me go’,” Shepard felt the scaffolding of their life creaking, the final bit of mortar crumbling. She cupped Liara’s face, “please,” was all she said. Liara leaned into the touch, closing her eyes, shuddering. She wrapped a hand around Jane’s forearm, fingers digging into her muscle, desperately clinging to what they still had. She wanted to scream, to clutch onto Shepard and make it all disappear; to go back. _I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to love anyone else…_

“Do you still love me?” Liara looked at her, into her; at the body she knew like her own, the face she could read even in the dark; at this woman with whom she had learned to love, who had taught her so much about herself.

“I don’t know. Give me time.”

 

Later, on the same couch, Jane stared at the stain on the fireplace, a marker of the end of the life she knew. She rolled onto her back and put her arm over her eyes, every word Liara had said rolling through her head. She couldn’t bring herself to move, felt like a wraith: transparent and frail, furiously angry, hollow and shaking. Couldn’t bring herself to cry. She padded softly to the bedroom; saw Liara curled up on the very edge of the bed, tissues balled up on the floor next to her. All the potential nevers hit her and she swooned in the doorway. She climbed into bed, and as she reached across the gulf between them, running light fingertips over smooth, warm skin, the tears finally came, but no one was there to comfort her.

Jane left for Alliance Headquarters the next day. Three days ahead of schedule.

She didn't say goodbye.


	11. Chapter 11

“She just left? I expect that from Aria, but from Shepard?” Thea pushed salad around her plate with her fork: Apollo’s Café served excellent food but their upcoming meeting had stripped her of any appetite. Liara nodded, her mouth full of fish. She took a sip of water and swallowed,

“I treated her terribly, Thea,” she admitted, reaching across the table with her own utensil and taking a spear full of leafy greens. “I _did_ push her away, but I did not think she’d…”

“What are you going to do?” Thea asked.

Liara sighed, “I do not know,” she pushed her plate back, full and miserable. Tevos smiled at her, trying to understand.

“What happened? One minute you couldn’t live without her, the next-“

“Yes, I know, it is silly, is it not?” Liara swiped her credit chit, waving away Thea’s attempt to pay, “I got to used to it? I could not handle her being a soldier? Honestly, Thea, I do not know… We were like strangers again,” What Liara didn’t say aloud was how she resented Jane, resented the ease of transition that Jane had experienced; that Liara had not. “I cannot even bring myself to face Miranda…” They walked through the marketplace, wasting time until their appointment, spied Bray and Liselle in a toyshop, waved and went in, where Tevos bought her daughter a doll and a kissed her goodbye again. “I built my world around her, and then realized it did indeed go on without her?” Liara sighed, again. “I do not know.” Thea stopped, taking Liara’s hands in her own.

“I’m sorry, Liara.”

“So am I.” They walked for a bit longer, in silence, before Liara spoke again. “I am sorry, and heartbroken, and mad, but, is it wrong that part of me is a little relieved?” Thea didn’t have an answer.

On the elevator ride to the council chamber Liara thought about Shepard: where she was, what she was doing, if she would ever see her again. _Surely I will;_ despite it all that thought caused her stomach to knot. “Aria knew,” Tevos looked over to her, brow creased. She had been reviewing notes on her Omni-tool but her bondmate’s name brought her back.

“Of course she did…” she didn’t know if she was exasperated with that knowledge or proud. “We haven’t exactly had it easy lately, either, Liara.” Liara nodded; knew.

“Your bondmate is very observant of people and their habits, Thea,” Thea laughed.

“That’s the understatement of the century,” she smiled, fondly. They lapsed into silence, waiting for the ding that signaled their arrival.

 

“Thea Tevos,” the Salarian councilor looked up from the podium, from the docket in front of him. “Ah, I believe you are the one who hopes to be our colleague,” Valern looked over to his turian counterpart. “State your business…”

 

…

 

“…if Mr. Bar’klen has sent you in his stead-“ Thea held up her hand, interrupting.

“I assure you, Councillor, he did not, but we have a common interest-” Sparatus rolled his eyes, his mandibles splaying out in amusement, and interrupting Tevos in turn,

“Ah, yes,” he made air quotes, “ ‘the space station’ on Ilem?”

 

…

 

Tevos met Liara outside the chambers, her shoulders decidedly slumped, “Well, that went about as well as an elcor taking up ballet.” Liara frowned, falling into step beside her.

“They wouldn’t listen?” she asked as they entered the elevator again. Thea made her own air quotes: “ ‘if a private citizen wishes to travel into Batarian space they do so at their own risk and without the sanction of this council.’ ”

Liara sighed, “What about their darling asari, who is travelling there?” Thea shrugged; hadn’t bothered to bring it up; knew they wouldn’t believe her.

“So, what’s the plan now?” Tevos asked.

“I do not know,” Liara replied, running her hand along her neck, realizing too late whom she was mimicking. “Back to the hotel?” Tevos nodded.

“A bottle of wine on the way? I need it.”

“So do I…”

They picked up some nice Thessian red and some sushi for the room, both changed into pajamas despite the fact that it was early evening, and lounged on their beds, side-by-side, like an old married couple. The radio played softly in the background. They put a bottle on the nightstand between their beds, where it quickly became two - then three - as they dived into datapads and ate raw seafood, each trying something new the other had ordered. Tevos picked up a piece of some green fish in her chopsticks and held it across the divide, stopping when she saw tears streaming down Liara’s face. Seemingly out of nowhere she had begun to cry: one glass of wine too many, the wrong song coming over the airwaves, Thea didn’t know, simply sat up and took Liara’s glass from her, climbing into her bed and holding her head on her lap, stroking her crest and letting her weep.

“I do not know what to do. I miss her, us, what we had.”

“I know, Liara.”

“But then she’s there, and…” She cried harder, the thought of giving up, of leaving whatever it was Shepard and herself had behind - of starting over with someone new - made her feel sick. “I just did not want it to end this way: unspoken. I do not know if it is time to tell her it’s over, or if it is time to try…”

“Just because it was your decision doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.” Liara looked up at her,

“That’s the thing, Thea. I simply asked her for time. _She_ left. This was her decision,” Thea raised her brow, white markings arching.

“It was both of you, and that is okay. Reach out to her.” Liara sighed, closing her eyes, her tears slowing.

_I could… I could call her; I could just fly there…_

Tevos’ Omni-tool dinged and Liara sat up and motioned for her to check it; thought about what she had said. “It’s probably just Aria. I should go check on Liselle, come to think of it.” Guilt hit her and she bit her lip, rising and opening to door to the adjoining room of the suite. Bray slept on the double bed while Liselle snoozed in his arms. Thea smiled and picked her up, carefully as to not disturb the batarian’s sleep.

She held her sleeping daughter and thought of Aria, who would no doubt be angry with her for letting Liselle sleep in Bray’s room instead of her own. Who was growing more and more impatient with her, with _them_ , every day. Tevos could see it, in the long looks out of the corner of violet eyes, from the space between them in bed, the quick return to Omega last week, the day after Shepard’s visit. Was it a coincidence that both of them – Aria and Jane - had retreated to their comfort zones at the same time? _They are more alike than different_ , she thought, _two heads of the same coin_. She sighed and placed Liselle in her makeshift crib, shutting off the light on her way out. Unlike Liara, Thea knew exactly where her and her bondmate stood, knew they would find their way back to each other, despite it all. _Knowing Aria, just to spite it all._

She lifted her wrist and opened her inbox, shocked when the email was not from Aria after all:

 

TO: T. Tevos

FROM: [BLANK]

SUBJECT: Meeting

 

Dr. Tevos,

You should know who this is. I hear whispers that indicate you and I have a mutual interest. Meet me in Omega, in Tuhi. Ask Yortan, a human shopkeeper, if he carries mods for the Carnifex. He’ll know what that means. Bring the Doctor. I will expect you in two weeks.

 

Thea’s mouth dropped open; had they really gotten this lucky? _Or careless,_ she thought, rejoining Liara, who had composed herself in Thea’s absence. “Bar’klen arranged a meeting with us,” she showed her the email. Liara met her gaze with wide blue eyes,

“Thea, if he found out-“

“-so could Irissa, I know.”

 

 

Jane bit the end of her pencil, had chewed the wood until yellow flakes splintered in her mouth. With her tongue stuck out of the corner of her mouth and her hair in her eyes she looked exactly twelve years old. Branson paced the room, a stopwatch in his hand.

Of course it’s you, _she thought when she landed and had been greeted by her former DI. Much to her surprise he shook her hand and patted her heartily on the back. “Goddamn, Shepard, welcome back.” Somewhere along the way he had become a welcome sight; she had become a weird adoptee; ironically, it had been after the Omni-tool incident in the lounge: A rainy night, thinking she had gotten away with it for a full week, being called into a small room, Branson pacing around her like a tiger. “You showed real balls, kid.”_ Ya, except if anyone else had done it they would have been kicked out, _she thought, but didn’t voice it. “Too bad I have to turn you in.” Seemed to like her after that._

“Time’s up, Lieutenant,” he barked at her and Shepard sighed, stacked her papers and handed them over, standing and stretching out her back. She was due for N2 in a week, but had no idea what she going to do to pass the time. _I know what I wanted to be doing…_ she thought, shaking Branson’s hand and exiting the interrogation room where she had written her exams. She fiddled with the ring of gold in her pocket, took it out and wrapped her fingers around it; it was cold in her palm. Bought on an impulse during her trek home from N1, on a layover in Illium, she had now taken to carrying it around with her, in one pocket or another. To remind herself of the Liara she hoped to find again, or to remind herself of what she had lost, that she wasn’t sure of.

_Maybe it would have been better if I had stayed dead…_

But she was alive, and now she was an officer.

 

N2 went very slowly. She ‘kept herself to herself’, as her foster mom used to tell her, and threw that extra energy into the training; zero-G combat, parachuting, jetpack flight, advanced melee weapons, she learned it all: every hurt, every fit of rage, every tear that threatened to rear its head was channeled into beating the ever-living shit out of her partner, the obstacle, the task at hand. By the end she had earned the nickname No-Shit Shepard, had knocked at least three other N2s out cold, had scored top of her class. Glaring at people became her new greeting.

She opened her Omni-tool to write Liara a message a hundred times, but could never make it past the first line. Didn’t know what to say. Didn’t know if she was angry or sad anymore.

It was all to no avail: every punch thrown, every burst vessel, every near miss, every commendation couldn’t erase Liara and their last conversation from her mind.

‘ _Do you still love me?’_

_‘I don’t know.’_

She took unnecessary risks, threw herself into training, fighting, learning, leading: into being a Marine. This was her life now.

Except, one day, her old life called.

She leaned into the tiny booth, the edge of the shelf biting into her waist, eyes clenched together to keep in the tears; couldn’t let the others see.

“Liara?”

“Hello Jane.”

“God, Liara, I-“

“You just left.” There it was, out in the open. She sounded bitter, but also hurt. Shepard could almost see the wounded look in ultramarine eyes; doleful, but with that damned wrinkle betraying her. “You didn’t even say goodbye…” Did she hear a hitch in that voice?

“I’m sorry. You wanted time…”

“Jane-you didn’t even say goodbye…”

“Meet me here,” Shepard’s voice cracked with desperation.

“I can’t, Shepard… I-I’m sorry.” The line went dead; Jane stared at it, unbelieving, felt her own sob caught in her throat. Ran her hand across her face instead of breaking down, her breath shallow but too fast. She slammed her fist on the metal partition.

Accepted the invitation to N3.

She had nothing to go home to anyway.

 

Aria tapped her foot impatiently on the floor, eyes glazing over the dancers to her right, to her left. She surveyed her nails; fingers curled into her palm; picked blood from under one with her thumbnail and flicked it away in disgust. _Really should have showered after that,_ she thought, recalling the massacre. Twelve Blue Suns had thought themselves a match for one tiny asari; they had been wrong, and paid for it with their lives. _Should have accepted my offer._ She took a drink of the clear Ryncol and let out a contended sigh, smacking her lips; knew that their deaths were partially to blame on the rejected agreement, partially due to her pent-up emotional state. She didn’t care. Aria hadn’t seen Thea in almost three weeks, had made excuse after excuse as to why her presence on Omega was needed. She found herself wound tighter and tighter each day: mad at her bondmate, missing her bondmate; missing her daughter, figuring Liselle had it better without her; _fuck_ , even missing Liara, wanting to shake Liara for what she was doing with Shepard. Missing Shepard. _Lone wolf no more, T’Loak_ , she thought, standing and pacing her little piece of paradise overlooking Afterlife. She needed to get laid.

_“Absolutely not,” Thea had called her when they had returned from the Citadel, “you’ll have to reschedule. Liselle-“_

_“Will be perfectly safe with you at Afterlife whilst Liara and I visit with our, uh, contact.” Aria smiled, in spite of her anger – had never heard Thea stumble over words before._

_“Thea, the Suns have been up my ass since I returned, want this agreement signed, I cannot have her here.” The finality in her tone left Tevos silent for a moment; Aria knew she was debating arguing._

_“Fine. I’ll figure it out.”_

_“Will I see you on this little trip?” Aria asked, and chewed one nail. She stopped and looked around, hoping no one had seen her momentary slip._

_“You could have come home between appointments if you wanted to see us, Aria,” Thea’s tone was trying to be biting, but it left something to be desired. Aria clenched her jaw, could hear Liselle laughing in the background, obviously playing with Liara or Bray. She didn’t mind giving up one of her sidemen if it meant her daughter was safe,_ taken care of, _she thought; instantly regretted blaming Thea for that._

 _“You know I can’t,” she eventually answered. She could. “The mercs are out of control, I was away too long as it was.” They weren’t. She’s lying. She didn’t even know why she was lying._ Fuck. _She heard Tevos sigh, softly,_

_“Of course we’ll make it, Aria.” The ‘I love you’ was unspoken, hardly there._

_“Kiss Liselle for me; get Blue to kiss you for me,” she added as an afterthought, “and vid it, I need something to get me through these lonely nights.” Tevos laughed, and Aria smiled; felt normal again for a second._

Now they were due on the station, late even, and she was a ball of nerves. Inside. Outside she sat, calmly, drinking Ryncol – sometimes drinking water as to appear she was drinking Ryncol – and waiting. She had tried to scan the crowd for any nervous looking batarians; gave up when she found every batarian looked nervous when she was around. _Might have something to do with my predilection of shooting them,_ she thought, taking another drink. She wondered how Shepard was doing.

 

The alley was slippery and rank. _Even the walls are wet,_ Liara thought, stepping carefully around a dead rodent. It was lined with garbage cans, bins, puddles that shone in the lights. Thea was standing at the end of the alley, the neon of Omega casting her into silhouette, the cacophony making it impossible for Liara to hear her. She had one foot in the darkness and one still on the sidewalk, hesitant to commit to the journey. Liara, who had offered to scout ahead, looked back at Liselle in Thea’s arms and sighed. _We should have left her with Bray…_

Liara looked around a festering garbage bin and saw a cat-like creature circling another of its kind; a pile of fish bones; some rusted cans; another rat munching on something amidst a large pile of old clothes, and something red and sticky that looked like used oil from some human’s machinery. She gagged a little at the smell of rotting refuse, but pressed on, peering at half-rotten cardboard boxes and rusty metal crates as she made her way to the chain-link fence at the end. She looked up and saw laundry lines scattered from building to building, hung with clothing that still looked filthy, televisions and consoles casting strange shadows of electric blue onto brick walls through dirty windows; heard raised voices from at least one apartment. _Tuhi looks much better from the touristy side,_ she thought, remembering the sleek shop fronts and expensive goods.

_Yortan had been dressed like an Illium banker, his shop smelling of lilac, all candles and bathe goods, expensive perfumes and oils. Tevos and Liara had met eyes; now knew why asking for a Carnifex mod would signal something else in this place. They had been expecting some back-alley thug with stolen arms, not slicked-back hair and a well-cut suit._

_Careful what you wish for,_ she now thought, the actual back alley well exceeding her wildest dreams, or rather, nightmares. Stepping over another dead animal she came to the end and turned around, shrugging out at Thea’s barely visible form. “I don’t see anyone,” she shouted.

“Shut the fuck up,” someone shouted from an open window and Liara blushed purple, hastily stepping aside as a torrent of phlegm came raining down. “ _Ehh_ , Goddess.” She met Tevos in the middle of the cesspool, where she had her light blazer draped over Liselle, “Are we early?”

“No,” Thea checked her Omni-tool to be certain. “Well, to quote your father, Athame’s tits… here, take her, I’ll look around.” Liara did, thankful that Liselle was sleepy and quiet after the trip. The lights seemed to calm her further; she had been around them since birth, the sights and smells of Omega probably more home to her than Serrice.

“Uh, Liara,” she was snapped out of her daze, and walk to Thea where she stood next to the large garbage bin. The felines had scampered with a backwards hiss, but the rodent in the pile of garbage was still snacking. “That’s blood…” They met each other’s gaze, visibly gulping.

“No…” Liara began, eyes wide, “it’s just an animal, or…” Liara kicked the pile with the toe of her boot, where it bounced off something, shooing the furry diner in the process. She lifted one piece of fabric with the same toe and a fish-pale hand flopped out, unfurled on the wet and stinking asphalt. They both jumped back.

“That’s not an animal…” Tevos whispered, suddenly very cold.

Tevos used her biotics to lift the entire pile of clothes, it floating limply in the air as one mass, until it scattered when both women cried out at the sight on the ground. A very dead batarian lay under the pile, his own clothes not mottled and moldy like those that had covered him, but obviously of good quality – he had obviously not been there long. There was a bullet wound between the lower of his two sets of eyes, a small dribble of blood dried there. Liara deduced that the puddle that had looked like oil was from the large exit wound he undoubtedly had on the back of his head. Flies had begun to buzz around him, crawling in and out of his nose and mouth. Both sets of his eyes were gone, gouged out and nowhere to be seen, tacky brown craters where they had been, staring up, unseeing, at the asari. Liara didn’t think the rats had done that. Their rat friend had chewed a hole in one of his cheeks.

Liselle began to cry at her mother’s startled voice. Liara covered Liselle’s eyes and hugged her close, rocking her against her chest in an effort to calm her.

“It’s got to be Bar’klen.”

 

“They did what?!” Aria slammed Bray against the wall with a powerful wave of purple light, pupils dilated dangerously. Her voice had attracted the attention of even the customers sitting by the door; Afterlife went oddly quiet, only the thumping bass echoing. Aria pointed a gloved finger at the batarian against the wall, “you. Fucking stay,” and turned, peering over the balcony and giving the patrons a withering stare. “Go the fuck back to drinking,” she hollered, and they obeyed, the noise level rising considerably. Everyone who valued their life went back to their cups, didn’t look up again for a very long time. She stalked back to Bray, clenching her teeth at him, “Speak and I may let you live.”

“Uh, Aria, sorry, boss, but-“

“Spit it the fuck out, where is my kid?” Bray panicked, all four eyes going wide, roaming for an answer that would appease her.

“She’s right here, dear,” Thea’s voice made Aria close her eyes, not caring that Bray probably saw the relief wash over her. She let her biotics down and let him off the wall, patting his shoulder with an almost kind indifference, and spun on her bondmate. Her eyes dangerous slits, her teeth bared, she advanced on Thea, only stopping herself short when she noticed Liselle looking at her with a quizzical stare. _Damn kid isn’t afraid of anything…_ Her daughter tried to copy the facial expression and Aria’s heart sunk.

“You brought her _to the scene of a crime_?” Her voice was treacherously low, not the bellow Thea was expecting. It was worse. Aria pulled Liselle from Thea’s arms, clutching her to her breasts, breathing in her soft scent, glaring at her bondmate over tiny crest fronds.

“Aria-“ Tevos whispered.

“No! Shut up, do not try and explain this,” Liara shrank back in her place by the stairs. “How could you?” Aria didn’t relinquish her grip on her daughter, but still managed to seem threatening. Thea saw her bondmate as Omega did for the first time: a great, dark queen; their savior in the guise of pure murder. “This place is dangerous, Thea,” her voice cracked. From rage or worry Tevos didn’t know.

“She was safe, with us,” Liara murmured from the stairs.

“You, shut up,” Aria flashed her a dangerous look and Liara nodded, once. Knew she was lucky to be left out of this for now. Thea went to her, tried to touch her on the shoulder, but Aria spun away from her hand like it was a snake.

“Don’t you understand? Don’t you know the only thing in the world…” She breathed in her daughter’s smell again; “she cannot be around-“ She blew out a sharp breath, the hand that wasn’t around Liselle clenched. “She cannot grow up to be like me.”

No one spoke for a long time. Aria passed Liselle to Bray, who sat on the couch with her, playing some patty cake game, his hands swallowing petite purple fists. Aria took the bottle of Ryncol and poured three fingers worth, downing it in one. “And you,” she was next to Liara in a flash, one finger between her breasts, on her sternum. “You, of all people, should have known better. Fuck, both of you should have. Christ!” That made her think of Shepard: a flash of orange amidst the red mist of her rage. “I can’t even look at you; get out of here.” Thea opened her mouth to speak, but decided against it; knew she should just let Aria rain fire and brimstone down on the pair of them. They had done a very foolish thing. “Here,” Aria passed her the keys to their Omega apartment, and Thea took them – appreciated the gesture despite her shame, despite her own anger that stemmed from it; despite the fact that she already had her own copy of the key. She looked from Aria to Liselle, “Oh, you think I’m going to giver her to you after-” Tevos tilted her head and gave her a severe look, mouth drawn, eyes too white.

“-Aria.“ Aria’s eyes darted left and right, lips pressed together into thin purple lines.

“Fine, Jesus,” Bray handed Liselle to her mother; she waved fingers at him in a clear goodbye.

“Bay,” Aria and Thea’s eyes met with a snap.

“Did she just…?” Thea asked, looking down at her daughter. Bray grinned, looked about fourteen feet tall,

“Bye, Lissy,” he waved back.

“Lissy?” Aria glared at him; swore he blushed. She turned back to her bondmate, softening around the edges. “Go. You get her the hell off this rock by tomorrow,” Thea nodded, and reached out to touch her again; Aria ignored it. Couldn’t stomach her touch. “I’ll be home soon,” she sighed. “Fuck, Thea, what were you thinking?” Thea saw her rub the crease between her eyes and knew she was keeping as calm as she could; also knew it wouldn’t last, that she should leave before her bondmate exploded again. “I’ll be home soon,” Aria repeated, not looking at her. There was no timeframe, just a promise; reassurance that she wouldn’t disappear again, like so many years ago.

 _I don’t really deserve it,_ Thea thought, passing Liara on the stairs. The pale asari followed her down. _I really messed up this time,_ and she knew it. She knew Aria was right. _I wouldn’t have changed it, though,_ she thought. _There is something here. I knew it, and I know it now._

“You,” Aria smacked Bray on the back of his bumpy head. “Go figure out what to do with the body.” She sunk into the couch, elbow on her knee, fingers massaging her brow. “Course the kid says his fucking name…”

_Fucking hell… Thea, who the hell are you becoming?_

 

For Shepard, every moment of N3 was sheer and utter hell, especially with her conflicted emotions about Liara.

Liara… Thought of Liara between crunches and leg kicks off the side of the pool, Williams and Alenko with her, Harris always just about to lose his place. Thought about Liara with every wave that crashed over their pontoon boat, with every morning that turned the ocean bright blue, the same shade as her eyes. She was sure they were over, heartsick and furious. Didn’t have the nerve to call and confirm. Knew she’d have to, if at least to sign over her apartment to her; couldn’t go back to Serrice like this. Couldn’t _not_ – had to know for sure. Thought about nothing during the cold nights, when it seemed the freezing water had turned her blood to ice, her muscles to stone; she’d never be dry and warm again. Carried that damned ring everywhere, even under her dive suit. Still loved her. Hated her. _Fuck her._

Thought about Aria in the dark depths of the night dives. About the current that ran around them - through them - when near each other; Shepard so sure everyone could see it, could feel it: hair raised, black-bone buzzing flame, white-light heat; air drawn from lungs, drawing them together like lodestones, like ships coming to port. _Fuck, Aria…_ Always. Grunted at anyone who asked how her girlfriend was, almost knocked Alenko’s teeth in when she overheard him insinuating that there was trouble, perhaps? That maybe he’d have a chance? Left him with a black eye, and a healthy bit of respect; left her with a week on chores. Didn’t sing, didn’t write a single note, felt like the world had gone black and white; heard the songs in her heard, ignored them. _Fuck them._ Her muse was gone.

Toombs popped an eardrum, had to leave, Harris almost drowned nearly everyday. Somehow he passed. Somehow they all did, the old crew, who had spent N2 apart, but were brought back together, it seemed, for the sole purpose of knitting Jane whole again. She smiled only when with them, laughed only at them, graduated by their sides.

Decided to take her shore leave before N4 on Omega. _Fuck Serrice._


	12. Chapter 12

_The air smells like gasoline_. It was Shepard’s first impression – first thought – on Omega. Which was strange, as it – or its intergalactic equivalent – hadn’t been used outside Alliance Space for over two hundred years; the humans had been late to get that memo. She knew she should remember - tried so hard to fish up lost memories - but everything about this place was a blank. Nothing. She stepped off the ship with her bag over her shoulder. It was crowded and loud, bustling with life. Every species she could imagine was crowded into a makeshift marketplace-cum-taxi stand, and as she looked around for the exit she was jostled and poked as people passed her in a hurry. She began to move with the crowd - sardines in a can, salmon going to spawn – in a daze, and heard peddlers hocking goods of the kind that you bought if you didn’t think too hard about quality or origin.

_“Omni-tools, third generation, get em now!”_

_“Looking for a good time, lady? Sir, like them young or old; we can help.”_

_“Engine parts, gun mods, turian military armour; ma’am, ma’am, we have human boots-“_

Black market aside, Shepard dodged armed mercs, a vorcha, sprawled on the sidewalk and dribbling out of the corner of his mouth, and dozens of panhandlers. Gum was streaked like faded chalk at her feet, discarded pieces of paper fluttered like deranged birds, and she quick-stepped over piles of runny vomit. All so far removed from the spit-shine of the Alliance. Exactly what she needed.

As she pushed her way past a turian selling t-shirts, she walked smack into a batarian with an armful of watches.

“Hey! Watch it, two eyes.” She spun, held her hands out in apology; suddenly wished she hadn’t worn her fatigues. Wished she could really have disappeared into the crowd.

“Uh, sorry. I’ll buy one, I guess…” She went to reach for her credit chit but the batarian rolled his eyes in a fantastic display of coordination and shook his head.

“No can do, kid. These are elcor models.” Jane nodded but pondered how an elcor, being notoriously quadruped, would lift a watch to his face. She turned to walk away, but stopped and turned back to him, “Do you know how to get to Afterlife?” He grinned, looked her up and down, and laughed.

 

 _“Look for the naked asari and pink lights, kid.”_ The watch peddler had been spot on. _Of course Aria,_ she thought, craning her neck at the massive building. Around her, concrete tried to absorb the garish lights of Aria’s flagship, but only succeeded in making the club stand out more: columns of fire and naked silhouettes were hard to compete with. The rising steam and strange cylindrical apartment blocks of Omega seemed to frame the bar, drawing attention to it, showcasing the tawdriness.

In a trance she stumbled up the steps, still trying her hardest to dislocate the vertebra in her neck for the hopes of spying an asari breast. Despite it all, they didn’t remind her of Liara one bit, but she had a sneaking suspicion she had stumbled upon one of Aria’s past lives; how she had learned to move like water… She vaguely wondered if Liara had ever- _nah…_ That made her heart thump with a singular ache, but mostly just riled up her temper again. And her desire to drink.

 _Jesus, I need to get laid,_ she thought, before walking straight into the outstretched arm of a large turian, who chuckled: had seen her coming, had set this collision up. _I was probably drooling._

“Did you not see the line, Red?” Shepard blushed, shouldering her bag where it slipped during her admirations, but refused to turn around and acknowledge the line; acted like she had walked past it on purpose. _Red? Really?_ She looked daggers at him,

“I’m here to see Aria.” His mandibles flared out in a grin,

“Aren’t we all? Get in line.”

“Aria’s expecting me.” She wasn’t. Jane’s lying.

“Ya, sure she is, kid.” _Fucking kid, again? What is it, my hair? Jesus, I’m probably older than this guy…_ Trying to look pissed off and not dejected, she joined the line, folding her arms over her chest and watching her back simultaneously. There she waited. And waited.

And waited.

The line didn’t move. Jane suspected it was some kind of power play a la Aria: exclusivity – unattainability - bred want. _Oh boy, did it ever…_ she felt a sharp pounding between her legs, imagining what waited for her inside the club; painting a picture in her head: of Aria, in some kind of dark, back-door club office, strippers around them, booze, and body fluids and- she suddenly realized how lost she was in that fantasy; didn’t know how long she had stood, glazed and entertaining that scenario. Was uncomfortably hot, flushed and red. She cleared her throat as if someone had caught her, and stepped out of line, walking up the stairs of Aria’s club with purpose this time, pushing herself into the bouncer’s space.

“Make that call to your boss yet? She’s going to flay you alive when she finds out you left me out here in line.” _Probably laugh her ass off at me…_ The turian stopped talking to his counterpart on the adjoining door and turned to her,

“Spirits. I told you to get in-“ he pressed a taloned digit to his ear. “What? Seriously?” He stepped aside and Shepard gave a brief nod to the camera above the door. _So the Queen knows I’m here._

Stepping through the door she was transported back in time. She remembered clubs like this from her Reds days; doggedly loitering outside, trying to get in despite her fresh face, rusted weapon, ratty clothing.

Fire flushed her features red. Redder. She pulled at her clothes, and was very conscious of her duffle bag. She made it through the hellish vestibule and stared, slack-jawed, at the club proper, all slick metals and neon lights; tried not to stare at dancers in barely-there spandex. She gulped. _Aria sure does know how to set a scene._ She supposed it was all to make one feel sleek, desirable, sexy – _so, Aria_ – but Jane pulled her limbs closer to her body and shuffled to the nearest bar, adopting a fooling no one posture: her arms folded in front of her, her back too straight, her ankles crossed. She looked around for that beacon of white, strained her ears for that diamond-hard voice: silver tongued and exquisite, sinister and beautiful.

Shepard ordered a shot, something green and sour, and downed it. She watched an asari maiden dance, nipples visible through the thin material, somehow climbing the pole and touching herself at the same time. She found herself biting the nail of her finger without knowing, her mouth – and other anatomy - inexplicably wet.

She ordered another drink, and took a long look at it - through it - the bartender and shelf of booze hazy and swimming through the liquid; thought about all the trouble these had gotten her into over the years, each memory playing in her head like a montage of painted images, all vivid colour and emotion. Aria sipping espresso and shooting liquor at the original Afterlife, the classiness and crudeness a precursor to their entire relationship, how her knees went weak even then; falling in the snow outside Liara’s window, calling up to the most beautiful creature she had ever seen, _I thought it would be you and me forever…_ Liara getting sick at Miranda’s party, stumbling into the bathroom topless, Jane falling for her right then; the now infamous T’Loak bachelorette, sweet drinks, arm in arm, howling with lewd laughter, Aria spurring her on until she couldn’t see, until they had fallen into each other and even the strippers had had enough, until they had briefly, just briefly… _Aria, always the constant…_

_Aria, grabbing her hand, pulling her from the strippers who were packing up, retreating to their rooms; pulling her to the resort bar. They were the last two sailors, clinging to the capsized ship of the night. “Fuck em, Shep. We can still party.”_

_“What about Thea?” Shepard fell into the bar, the stool tipping, listing to the right, where Aria stopped it with her hip, taking a drink from a bartender with grey bags under his eyes and an undone bowtie. Downed it and passed one to Shepard._

_“Ah, she’s asleep already. No wedding night fuck for me, Shep.” Aria slid onto the stool next to her, “I’m not complaining. I’m just glad it’s not me carrying around a facking-fucking, uh, whataya call it? Uh, human thing, green. Pink?”_

_“Watermelon?”_

_“Yep. That,” she had taken another drink; had ordered them both beer, which Jane had never seen the asari consume in the entirety of their friendship. “What were we talking about?” Shepard lifted her head from where it lay on the bar, her shirt untucked in the back,_

_“Uh, partying?” Shepard sipped her own heady pint._

_“Right!” Aria slapped her on the back; hard enough that Jane spluttered beer over her lap. “Ah, shit, sorry Shep,” they booth came off their stools at the same time, Aria trying to wipe beer off Shepard’s shirt, Shepard trying to brush off her pants, the clingy material soaking up the beer like a sponge._

_“No problem- ah, it’s cold.” They took their pints and wandered out into the warm Sur’Kesh air, where they lit up cigarettes and drank beer like proper gentlemen, watching the full moon reflect off the natural pool._

_“This shit tastes like metal,” Aria finally spoke, taking her beer and chucking it, glass and all, into the pool with a flourish. Shepard had laughed, and downed a good third of her own in one gulp, before doing the same, trying to outdo Aria’s throw._

_“Plus, it’s really wet…” She looked down at her soaked crotch, arms out in resignation; she thought she saw Aria blush, probably for the first time. She made a noise in her throat and tried to use her black wedding vest to wipe the spilled drink off Jane’s pants._

_Their hands had brushed; Aria’s running over Shepard’s upper thigh in her haste to clean her off. Jane grabbed Aria’s hand where it fell, had every intention of pushing it away; Jane fell into her, too drunk to stand straight. A hand on Aria’s body, trying to steady; the other, pale and purple fingers interlaced; pink and purple lips meeting, feeling like fire; phoenix reborn. Fingers painfully crushing, free hands gripping the other’s face without finesse. As quickly as it had begun it ended, ended with them both backing away, gasping. They went their separate ways, to their separate women, drunk and fumbling, so sure they were marked now, like Caine. Jane spending a booze-soaked night with Liara on top of her;_ what Jane didn’t know, couldn’t know, was: Aria, spending a long, sleepless night next to a woman carrying her child, her now-bondmate, thinking of Jane.

 

A memory Jane had blocked from her brain; felt nothing about it, one way or another, for years now – granted she had only been conscious a few months of those years. Hadn’t meant it, hadn’t remembered it for weeks; suspected Aria was in the same boat. Both loved their others; had been one, tiny drunken mistake…

She slammed back her second shot, slamming her glass on the bar. She declined the third; had made up her mind. Military instincts still clear despite the drink, she surveyed the room and spotted the best tactical position; stormed it with purpose, up the stairs, past the guard – luckily for her it was Bray, who looked on like he was seeing a ghost – and onto the platform overlooking Afterlife. Aria had her back to Jane, leaning on the railing, but Shepard saw her shoulders twitch as she dropped her bag on the last few steps.

“Shepard,” the asari turned around and looked into her with those pastel eyes.

“Aria,” she walked to her, faltering. Aria took a seat on the sprawling couch that ran the width of the space, lounging and dangling a long leg in her way. Shepard stood over her,

“You made it.” Shepard nodded, refusing to break eye contact: piercing; reading her every thought.

“You saw me.” Not a question.

Aria licked her lips, pulling the darker purple stripe between her teeth. She uncrossed her legs and planted heeled boots on the floor, reaching out with one leather-clad hand and taking Jane’s arm, rubbing her thumb in circles over sinewy muscle.

Jane felt herself shiver under Aria’s touch, sank to her knees in front of the couch, between Aria’s thighs; looking up at her. She whispered, or maybe simply thought,

“I don’t want to love somebody else…” Unable to not think about Liara; not really thinking about Liara at all.

Aria leaned forward and cupped Jane’s jaw in her hand, “You don’t have to.”

Shepard closed her eyes and leaned her head into Aria’s palm, the leather familiar and like a lifeline, saving her from drowning in her own soul; suddenly all her bravado and drive melted away. She felt her cheek being stroked and looked up at her, saw those violet eyes - soft and kind instead of knife-edged - on her own.

This was no accident, and they both knew it; no drug-addled mistake, no drunken revelry egging them on, making them do something they would regret; making them relive their past. This was cold, collected want.

_No: need; I need her._

Jane felt stone sober, and felt her desire for Aria with a calm clarity that scared her. She knew exactly what she was doing, knew the outcome; what it would cost her, and she didn’t care. Had to have her. Now.

They stared at each other for a long time, relearning features that had grown fuzzy over time, the dangerous line they were treading laid out bare; Liara and Thea barely there, behind haunted green and purple eyes. Skin to skin contact opened up a shared consciousness, not a true meld, but something akin to telepathy.

 _She left me, Aria, but I love her still, so- **I won’t leave Thea for you, she’ll find out, she’ll forgive me** ; I don’t care. **Fuck, I may be leaving her, piece by piece, I don’t know who she is-** _ remorselessness in both their eyes now: hard flint, dangerous as an uncontrolled flame. **_Fuck it, I don’t care –_** _I need you – **I want you** – __This is for us,_ ** _just us;_ **_they cast us aside. **I’ll never cast you aside.**_ Their lips met, both of Aria’s hands clutching Jane’s face. It was like water, quenching Jane’s thirst for contact, for love, for anything other than emptiness. She sobbed into the asari’s mouth. It blazed, mouths tingling; skin buzzing like before-the-storm air, and tongues met, teeth dug into sensitive flesh. Shepard hoisted herself off her knees without breaking the contact, and straddled Aria’s waist, leaning down into her, her hands on the back of her crest. Ragged breaths and soft whimpers, heard only by the other, fueled their passion, and Aria’s hands went to Jane’s arms, wrapping fingers around biceps, triceps, thumbs digging into joints. _Always, have always – **wanted your body, your breath –** your soul; shaking me apart, make me feel alive again; **always wanted to touch you;** I can’t keep my hands off of you; **never wanted to keep my hands off you.**_

The snake and the mongoose, all blood-red lust, tinged with something like love under it all; unrestrained wildfire.

They parted, chests heaving, until Aria surprised her by kissing her again, delicately. Jane felt their world tilt, something between shift, like puzzle pieces snapping together. Aria lifted Shepard’s wrist and punched an address into her Omni-tool. “Wait for me there.”

Shepard nodded, running her eyes over every feature, running her hands over ribs and breasts. Aria brushed her hair out of her eyes. “Because of Thea? People will see-“ The asari laughed from her toes,

“No.” Kissed her again. “Because you deserve better than this place.”

_Better than her._

 

Shepard didn’t wait long. The apartment was massive but sparse, decorated with sleek black metals and lush colours. She wandered and dropped her bag in the bedroom: a bit forward, but who was she kidding? Jane took a moment to splash water on her face in the bathroom, stared into dim eyes in a dimly lit room and heaved out a shaking breath. The door hissed open and she heard heels click up the hall, felt each footfall in her core.

She met her in the hall, where they crashed together like a wave meeting the shore. Jane hoisted Aria into her arms, her legs wrapping around Shepard’s waist, and they slammed into the wall, wet mouths on bare skin, and hands in red hair. Aria didn’t protest the lack of control, tilted her head back until her crest hit her spine, and arched into Jane’s arms, her tongue. Aria shed her gloves, kicked off her boots, as Shepard walked them to the bed and fell on top of her, peeling her out of her jacket, her corset, her pants. For once Aria didn’t object, simply ran her hands up and down Jane’s sides as she went to work on buckles and clasps and ties. When she was left wearing only black silk panties Jane stood and began undoing the buttons on her fatigues. Aria sat up and removed her hands; she wanted to uncover Jane herself. She ran a purple finger over her name badge, staring at the ‘Shepard’ embroidered there, and suddenly opened up her consciousness, reaching out to Jane’s mind. Shepard fell into her, spinning. Aria let down all her walls and Shepard experienced her like she never had before; felt her age, the millennia of events, hit her like a force. Where Liara was eager and fresh, Aria was steadfast and wise; Liara was shiny, a lit auditorium, Aria was a darkened street, lampposts lighting the way. Shepard was lost for a moment, unable to grasp such longevity and acumen, until she felt Aria stroke her, mentally, a reassuring guiding hand in the dark. _I’m here, take my hand. I’m here._ Jane felt an unmistakable smirk alongside that tenderness; understood why Aria hadn’t let her dive this deep before.

Shepard, outside herself, in the vast and darkened wilderness that was Aria, those lampposts a spotlight on each poignant memory, tableaus that came to life as Shepard approached them: the same recollection of drinks with Jack, seeing herself through Aria’s eyes, the way her beer had wet her lips, Aria subconsciously mimicking it as she sipped the drink that had made Shepard’s skin prick; the spike of arousal that had taken the asari by surprise. The unwanted connection when they had slept together for the first time; what had begun as a way to get back at Thea, at Liara, had swept her away instead. Blooming love masquerading as lust, a spike of warmth when she had opened her cupboard and found the tea she loved so much. The crushing blow that had been discovering the song: not written for her, but for Liara; knowing she had no right to feel that way – had often lain in Shepard’s arms wondering where Thea was – the crushing blow of realizing she, Aria T’Loak, was in real danger of being the one to get her heart broken. Watching Shepard sing, the radiant awe in her chest at her talent, the muted plummet of her gut, knowing she was singing for someone else; the silent promise to Liara that she wouldn’t tolerate Jane’s heartbreak.

Outside their heads, Jane slipped underwear past Aria’s knees and ran one rough finger along swollen and dripping lips; Aria shivered and pulled the naked Shepard on top of her, where ID tags fell in her face. She grabbed them, roughly, by the chain and pulled her down, guiding her; knew she was overwhelmed. Jane found her petaled open and waiting, and closed her eyes against the tears that fell when she slipped into the oil-slick velvet of her; realized she wasn’t the only one who _needed_ this. Aria reared off the bed as Shepard found her, unsure if it was actually Jane who was overwhelmed after all.

_I have to start over, Aria… I can’t wait for her, I can’t go on hoping._

**_I fell for you while trying to get back to her. Not the way I fell for her, but-_ **

_I know; it doesn’t matter. Give me everything you are, Aria._

Aria, suddenly not around her, but beside here in that strange place, guiding her to one set of memories, a thicket so far away and shady that Shepard wouldn’t have found it on her own; knew no one would have. _The day I died…_

Liara had never shown her, had never been brave enough.

Aria, sitting head bowed and hands limp between her knees, knowing Shepard hadn’t made it to the escape pod. Refusing to look out the window, refusing to speak to the other passengers. Her jacket smoldering, leather fused painfully with purple skin, one tendril charred black. In the physical world Jane reached out and stroked that tendril, felt the scar tissue. _Aria…_

Aria in a hospital bed, before Liselle, before she had even seen Thea, staring at the pockmarked wall, her emotions all shrapnel: how was she going to tell Thea? How was she going to tell _Liara_? That she had lived when Shepard had died. How was she going to live without that crooked smile and the constant of Shepard?

Aria, in her heart of hearts where no one, not even Thea, knew, staring at her newborn daughter, tears streaming down her face, wanting to name her Jane. Crying for Shepard as much as with joy.

Her heart, a fireball of rage; of flying to Omega and not once being afraid of another crash, of murdering the first person who dared to even think of mugging her. Releasing that rage on the human who dared to reach for her chit. Who dared to have red hair.

Aria slumped and dazed when alone, but when Liselle was in bed, when Thea was in bed, all smiles and newborn giddiness of the day shifting to Shepard at night.

_I never knew..._

**_No one does…_ **

Soft touches turned to desperate curling, stretching; rocking hips and throaty gasps, fingers inside, hard and deep, knocking air from lungs with each thrust. Shepard closed her eyes, pounding into the asari, and Aria gritted her teeth, felt Jane’s palm hit her clit on each stroke, drawing sharp noises from her despite herself. She matched every stroke with her own, trying to equal Shepard’s power, like two blazing bonfires, reaching for feeling – for any feeling other than anger and resentment and shame and hopelessness. Each thrust creaking the bed frame; rocking each other hard enough to hurt, but hurt in such a good way.

“God, Aria- fuck.”

“Har- _der,_ ” she managed to hiss. “Fuck–me-harder.” Jane groaned; couldn’t resist her, couldn’t say no. Grabbed her hip with her free hand, pulling her into each driving movement, knowing the rougher the better; she felt Aria get impossibly wetter around her hand.

Bodies like live wires, love pouring out of the physical contact like electricity, deep red – almost black – and jagged and messy. Filling the void that drugs hadn’t; the void Liara had left in Shepard’s heart.

Jane changed the angle of her arm and black dots swum in front of Aria’s eyes, like lightning with no thunder; Shepard hitting a spot inside her like thunder, rolling over and over, never cresting, just pleasure drawn out and piercing, each time she hit it with those wonderful fingers, and-

Shepard felt Aria throb and clench around her, in time with her thrusts, until her muscles went rigid and still; nails digging into Shepard’s back, clawing and drawing blood in thin rakes, coming with not as much a scream as a growl. The pain, the absolute rawness of it, almost tipped Jane over the edge as well, but still reeling from Aria’s memories, she simply rode it out, rock hard and steel-cabled. She looked down at her; black eyes rolled back in her head, mouth open, and neck straining, and felt her own muscles begin to flutter. Shepard didn’t want it to end, didn’t want to go back to the world of thinking: liked this place – this _feeling_ place – much better. She felt slick liquid pool between them, heard Aria’s breathlessness in her ear; a wet tongue there, whispers of how she made her azure feel, how good she felt inside of her, how she made _her_ feel, what she was going to do to her in return.

Aria finally came down, panting and sweating, nothing refined or sleek about her now. She looked up at Jane hovering over her and stroked her cheek again, wrapping a leg around Shepard’s thigh. Couldn’t remember the last time she had been in this position, this vulnerable and compliant position, but suddenly loved it; felt safe and protected and so unlike herself.

**_…Jane._ **

_You’ve only ever called me that in your head, you know that?_

**_That’s a lie; I called you that the first night we met._ **

_True._

**_Jane, Jane, Jane. She may own Shepard, but I claimed Jane long ago._ **

_I think I love you, Aria._

**_You don’t._ **

_I do. Why don’t we-_

**_Shut up; just let me-_ **

_You love me too, I can feel it, you know._

Aria sat up. **_I know._**

She rolled Shepard over, gently. “Lay back.” It came out like a croak, her throat scratchy and raw from the sex, from disuse.

Shepard does as she’s told.

Aria knelt over her, one thigh on either side of hipbones she had loved since she first saw them, and leaned over her, taking one pebbled nipple in purple lips. Shepard could feel Aria’s arousal on her stomach, slippery and wet, and it’s almost enough to send her spinning, that cold liquid proof of hot desire. Teeth on her nipple brought her back from the edge, and she groaned, placing her hands on lithe hips; hands that are rougher than Aria remembered, stronger than she remembered. Shepard felt the asari’s desire rekindled, could feel her sex still pulsating and trembling.

And then Aria takes her places she’s never been, again, and again, and again; sent her mind reeling, her body soaring, until her toes curled and that feather-light feeling took her, from her heels, up her spine; until her head filled with white light, Aria’s smell and taste and soul surrounding her; her name on her lips.

When it was over, and they were spent – so spent – they shared a cigarette and ran wet, sex-scented, fingers over sweat-cold skin, mumbling promises that neither knew if they could keep.

_What are we going to do?_

**_That, I do not know._ **

 

“So what now, Shepard?”

They had spent the week in bed. Aria had made the obligatory phone calls to Thea – which made Jane feel like something on the bottom of a vorcha’s shoe – and had gone into the club at least once a day, but other than that they had simply slept and ate and drank and laughed and touched and fucked and made fantasy plans about running away into the stars to keep doing the same. Jane rubbed her lower back as she got out of bed, was sure she had come on every surface in Aria’s apartment; it was certainly a distraction from their predicament. Jane grabbed a take-out container off the dresser and brought it back to bed. Two sets of chopsticks stuck out of the top and she passed one to Aria, who was flat on her back and naked, purple breasts and pert nipples on display as she lifted her hands above her head and stretched.

“I dunno…” Jane replied, stuffing breaded chicken into her mouth and washing it down with beer. She was leaving the following afternoon and had convinced the asari that they were not to leave the apartment – the bedroom – for the entirety of the time they had left together. “We’ve been drawn to one another since day one, that’s the kicker,” she said around another mouthful. “Maybe we just have terrible taste in women…” She stretched her legs out in front of her on the bed, boxer shorts riding up. Aria adjusted her position until she was draped over her lap, staring up at her. Jane fed her a piece of chicken with her chopsticks. “It’s just easy, with you… What if we’re the ones who are supposed to be together, Aria?”

“Do you believe that, Shepard?” Jane chewed in silence, staring out at the skycars and flashing lights.

“I dunno.”

Aria lit a cigarette and took a drag, blowing the smoke out low, away from Shepard’s face; she passed it to Jane who had her own drag before giving it to Aria to ash. Aria tipped the ashes onto the floor and studied her with narrowed eyes. Saw her as a woman - not as Jane, her lover, or Shepard, T’Soni’s girlfriend, but as a fully formed and equal partner. She sat up and sighed, leaning against the headboard and putting down her food.

“I’ve thought about it, Jane,” Shepard smiled at the use of her name, “I like to know what makes people tick, but you- You’re the most complicated…” She took another puff of her smoke and put it out before turning back to her, “I’ve lived almost a thousand years-“

“Well, six hun-“ Aria waved it away; wished she hadn’t let Shepard in on the secrets of T’Loak.

“- _a thousand years_ ,” she spoke over her, “Shepard, and you may be the most baffling being I’ve ever encountered. I have no idea where I stand with you, day to day.” She took a piece of Jane’s chicken with her fingers and popped it into her mouth. Shepard pulled her container away, made a ‘get your own’ face. “So, I’ve thought about it. I could love you- ah, hell. I do; you know that.” Jane stared back at her then kissed her naked shoulder.

“I think I always will, Aria…” Aria tilted her chin into Shepard’s touch; had shown Jane an entirely different Aria T’Loak this past week. Knew Thea and herself were connected now, for life, no matter what happened.

“Okay,” Aria nodded, lost in thought, “okay. So, the ‘kicker’ as you say, is, can you imagine yourself bonded to me? Me carrying your child, cause I’m not about to knock you up – with another woman’s child already. Because it’s not just us anymore, buddy. I have a kid, and, hypothetically, an ex-wife, who just happens to be very close friends with your ex-whatever.” Jane paled a little, continued to kiss Aria’s shoulder, neck, crest as way of distraction. She stopped and shrugged, unsure what to say. “And you still love Liara, I know that. I still love Thea, you know that.” Jane stared at the ceiling, sighing. Aria took a swig from some half-empty liquor bottle she found on the floor with an outstretched arm. “That’s the rub, as they say.”

“First Dickens, now Shakespeare… you’re a complicated, baffling creature yourself, T’Loak.” She kissed her, slowly, ignoring chicken and booze. Reached down and ran her hand through purple silk.

“Indeed I am, Shepard,” hitched breath. “-Indeed I, _ah_ , am. _Oh… Goddess_.”

“I do love you.”

**_I know._ **

Pumping, rocking hips, unsteady limbs, the loss of control; biotics lifting Shepard off of her, flipping her over.

**_I do too._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all, for all the comments - I'm sorry I haven't replied to them all! Thanks for coming along for the ride; much more to come.


	13. Chapter 13

There were no tearful goodbyes on Omega.

“I’ll see you around, Shep,” Aria kissed her, and grabbed her hand as she went to leave. Shepard looked at her feet, shuffled them in the dirt.

“I’ll probably head back to Serrice at some point. I dunno.” She leaned over and kissed her back, an almost cute peck on the lips. Aria had a vision of fifteen-year-old Jane, all elbows and knees, hair too orange, hands too big, breasts too small. “I have to talk to her, at least. She ended it, but we still have shit to sort through: things, and a home- well, an apartment, not a home,” she sounded begrudged, bitter. Aria nodded, and dropped her hand. “What about Thea?” Aria looked at the sky and shrugged,

“She’ll know as soon as she sees me.” They stood there, neither making a move to go; the real issue they were dancing around hanging just out of reach. Neither of them very good at this stuff.

“So…” A combat boot, drawing lines in the dust, “us?” Shepard made herself look Aria in the eye. Aria shrugged again and Jane slung her bag on her shoulder, sighed; no one had that answer it seemed. She took a step back, but Aria stopped her, pulled her back again and leaned into her, taking an earlobe between her teeth.

“I’ll be here, Shepard. _This,_ ” she ran leather along khaki, up the centre of her, “Will be here, waiting.” Jane shivered as her eyes rolled back in her head, took a shaking step back as Aria released her ear with a pop.

It was a long trip.

 

Aria opened the front door and peered into the darkened hall. She stepped over a rubber ball and a discarded purple doll, almost slipped on the old fashioned, wooden building blocks Miranda and Jack had gifted Liselle for her birthday. “Fucking-“

“Aria?” Thea called from upstairs, her shadow on the stairwell wall. Aria slung her jacket over a kitchen barstool and went softly up the stairs, found her bondmate on the landing.

“Hi, babe,” she kissed her and actually closed her eyes against Thea’s smell, wonderful and light; she had missed it. Thea kissed her back, running her hands over her now-bare shoulders, before pulling back, brow furrowed and eyes like slits. She ran her thumb over a mark on Aria’s shoulder, faded but still there, and locked eyes with her, mouth going small and strained. She stepped back and pinched her nose, suddenly feeling very careworn, and Aria let out a breath through her own; _thought I would have at least ten minutes…_

“Thea, it’s almost as if you don’t trust me.”

“You slept-“

Aria interrupted, “Yes, I did. It was Shepard; there, all out in the open.” Aria pushed her way past her and into the bedroom, where she began to strip off her clothing. Thea closed her eyes and shook her head, slowly.

“Aria-“ Tevos followed her and stood in the doorway, still shaking her head. “Because of Liselle-what I did?” Aria turned to her, naked, with hands on her hips.

“No. Yes? Because I wanted to? Is that a good enough answer? You knew who I was when you married me.” Thea nodded, and sat on the edge of the bed, resting her chin in the palm of one hand.

“I did. You are right, but, _Shepard_? Really, Aria? What about Liara? – Goddess, Aria- you can be so…“

Aria rolled her eyes, “Blue pushed her away, and Jane, well, you know Jane and I.”

“Yes, I do…” Tevos had seen glimpses of it when melded, had suspected it ran deeper than lust. “Do you love her?” Aria didn’t meet her gaze, stared off at the floor instead. Thea sat next to her wife, leaning into her,

“You know the answer to that, Thea.” Thea nodded again, and took Aria’s hand, kissing it; kissed her wrist where the bonding bracelet had never been worn. “I have no intention of leaving you and Liselle, Tevos.” The undercurrent ran deep: _I love you. Do not leave me; take me as I am, faults and all._

“I love you, you know- you must know,” _I will; I always have. Is there room for two of us in that heart of yours, Aria? There must be…_

Aria looked at her then, her turn to nod.

“I know, Thea,” she almost whispered, “You’re the mother of my child, my bondmate, you’re my…” Thea kissed her again, forgave her in that moment; knew this was an inevitably. “ _I_ am simply who I am.” Tevos sighed, staring at the wall, surprising even herself with her calmness. Had known Aria T’Loak would one day test the tensile strength of their relationship.

“Okay. Okay… I can handle a mistress,” she bumped shoulders with her, tried to smile. “Although I do not think Shepard would qualify, or appreciate that title.” Aria laughed. “I’m sorry, Aria, if I drove you to her.” Aria let out another laugh; it was dry and brittle.

“I do not think you really believe that,” she replied, “I’m not Shepard, I harbor nothing towards you for living your life – you let me live mine, let me run free –“

“Aria-“ Thea could see the hurt buried deep in her bondmate, the anxious but muted eyes; knew how they had interacted in the last few months. Knew she was lying; that something more than sex and hunger had steered her into Jane’s arms.

“I’m not sorry. In a different life, Thea, I would be with Shepard. But, I am with you. I am happy you let me be who I am.”

Tevos dragged her into the bed, wrapping her arms around her and running her fingers along that soft skin she hadn’t realized she had been missing, relearning the curves and divots of Aria’s hips, her shoulders, her legs. “I have never loved anything like I love you, but she’s close. Accept that.”

She laid her forehead against the curve in Aria’s spine, supple skin over lean muscle; the exact mirror of Aria’s personality and soul.

“I do.”

“I knew you would.”

 

 

Liara rang the bell and heard the scamper of frantic activity on the other side of the door. It opened a crack and she saw Thea bend down, scooping Liselle into her arms, before waving her in. “She’s crawling, and she’s her father’s daughter, so she’s into everything,” Tevos explained as Liara closed the door behind her. “Especially things she is neither entitled to nor should have…” Tevos continued, almost under her breath, and Liara caught a hint of resentment in that, figured it wasn’t directed at Liselle.

“Aria is home, I take it?” Liara laughed, following Thea into her office, Liselle chanting ‘hi, hi, hi,’ in her arms. Thea placed Liselle in a playpen in the corner of the room but stayed bent over for longer than necessary. _I have to tell her…_

“She is, but she’s out with Jack. Liara,” she stood up and turned to her friend, “have you spoken to Shepard?” Liara looked flustered for a moment, went purple as she looked out the window at the green trees and early summer blooms.

“No,” she finally replied, sitting on the couch and crossing her legs, “not for some time. A month,” she looked off into the distance, “no – two…” She added, mostly to herself, “or more.”

“You’re over?” It wasn’t really a question, and Liara stared for a moment, almost suspicious. Since her breakdown on the Citadel Thea had been supportive, but always let her be the one to bring up Jane, their rocky relationship, their impending breakup - because Liara was sure, in her heart, that Shepard wasn’t going to last much longer; would no longer love her if Liara decided that’s what she wanted.

Before she could answer, Thea’s Omni-tool buzzed, Aria’s nimble body popping up in miniature,

“Thea, Bray just called; he did some digging into your dead batarian, and came up with a name you may want to look into: Cerberus. I don’t know what the hell that means, but Bray seemed to be tickled pink, so, do with that what you will.” Tevos nodded and snapped her fingers at Liara, who came out of her daze and looked over. Thea mouthed ‘Cerberus’ at her and blue fingers began to tap wildly on her datapad. “Looks like he hired some asari to check out Ilem, Vasir’s the last name listed on the flight manifest.”

“Thank you, darling,” Tevos replied; _she’s trying._ Aria smirked and flickered out into nothing.

All thoughts of Shepard – of letting Liara in on Aria’s indiscretion - vanished, and Tevos stood, hovering over Liara and typing on her Omni-tool.

“What’s Cerberus?” Thea asked as Liara sent her the info and began to read:

“Privately owned holding company, as far as I can tell, but…”

“But?”

Liara shrugged, “It does not make sense; there is no paper trail of which companies they are responsible for; that is a red flag. Pair that with Irissa, a private space station in Batarian space, a dead contact-“

“-leads us to infer that Cerberus is not on the up and up? Yes.” Tevos replied.

Liara sprang to life, gladly taking on a new task instead of worrying her heart any more than she had to.

“Well, let’s contact this Vasir woman, see what information she has. If Jarl hired her to look into Irissa’s travels and this Cerberus, we can trust her I am sure,” Liara replied, a light reignited in her eyes. Tevos smiled, almost forgot why they had gone dull to begin with.

 

 _Goddamn tests…_ Shepard looked up from her stapled package of paper and over to her neighbour, Harris. His too-long legs were crammed up under the elementary-sized desk, and it made him look like a fourth grader - blonde hair, that had grown out a little since she had last seen him, capped off the visual, and she resisted the urge to snort; the reality was Harris was finally acing something. Every night before lights out, in the common room, Tom was the one they all scrambled to with questions and last-minute pleas: ‘ _Check my homework, Tom?’ ‘I’ll give you my dessert tomorrow if you’ll write this paper on turian blood types – it’s chocolate pudding day.’ ‘Harris, hey, Harris, when was the krogan uprising again?’_

Shepard looked up at the clock, wrapped in its wire mesh, and realized she had wasted ten precious test-writing minutes lost in thought. Put her pencil back to paper; she had a long way to go.

They had been moved to a facility outside of Montreal for N4. An old university campus, where they slept in their own dorm rooms and had a chance to forget they were soldiers; got to play students: eating in a cafeteria, taking rec time in an old gym, heading to class to study linguistics, intergalactic cultures and history, medical terminology and frontline trauma care, hostage negotiation tactics; _So,_ _school,_ Shepard thought, returning to her own test, _it’s school…_ With coffee in hand and books on her back she had been reminded so very much of Liara and their so-called youth. Young love blooming in halls like these, running to classes, and cramming for tests, all-night studying, interrupted by new-passion sex. Nothing so far had reminded her more of Liara…

Years worth of knowledge shoved into four weeks was taxing on the brain, but she didn’t really mind; Jane knew it was also keeping her sane. Not only did she fall asleep with blue freckled skin on her mind, but she now had Aria vying for space as well. Laying on her single bed, listening to Williams snore on the other side of the bookshelf that divided their room, her stomach roiled at the mess she had made; knew they couldn’t be together, knew they couldn’t stay apart. Wondered if Thea wanted to strangle her or join in…

Jane had wanted desperately to call Aria over the last few weeks, but was terrified Tevos would be the one to answer; one word would be all it took for Jane to know whether Aria’s wife knew about them. Not knowing was easier – she may lay awake dreading the wrath of Thea, but also knew she couldn’t bear to hear the anger in her voice, the sadness… _Sadness would be worse_.

“An ‘F’?” She threw the paper on the small desk that took up most of her side of the room. Williams entered not long behind her, unsuccessfully trying to hide her own paper, the glaring red ‘A’ vanishing into her bag.

“I thought you prided yourself on being a solid ‘C’ student, Shep?” Ashley tried to lift the mood, punched her in the arm. Truth was Shepard was barely passing and no one could understand why; the best and brightest of them had dulled, tarnished like an old mirror.

“Well, yes,” Jane actually laughed, “I mean, at least ‘Ds’, come on.” She sunk onto her bunk and put her hands over her face. Williams sat in Jane’s desk chair; it was flipped backwards so she had to straddle it,

“Lieutenant, what’s up?” Jane looked at her through her fingers, _ah shit she pulled rank out, this is gonna get serious._ She ran her hand over the back of her neck and sighed, rising and closing the door. “Uh oh,” Williams’ bushy brows shot up; “Shepard’s closing the door, this must be good.” Jane glared at her and returned to her bed, unsure where to begin. She reached under her mattress and pulled out the gold ring she had bought for Liara months before, palming it and squeezing, before throwing it up in the air and catching it. She passed it over to Ashley,

“Oh, shit, Shep, you’re going to propose?” Jane smiled sadly, shook her head.

“Nope.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.” Williams passed the hoop back, “it’s a nice ring, Shepard. I’m sorry it didn’t work out.” Shepard nodded, still unsure how to explain; how to tell this woman who she so respected - who had unexpectedly turned into her friend - what a terrible person she was.

“Ya, it is. She just didn’t want to make it work, I guess. I don’t know, I still don’t really have an answer; last thing she said was ‘I can’t,’ so I guess that is my answer.” She took a deep breath. “Cept, well, now I’m sleeping with her best friend’s wife… who is my ex; who slept with me when Liara first met me, just to get back at them both.”

“What?” Ashley’s eyes narrowed, and her mouth popped open as she shook her head, once, as if clearing away cobwebs. She began to laugh, “ _what_?”

“And I think she loves me; and I know I love her. Except I love Liara, and Aria loves Thea,” it all came spilling out in a torrent; couldn’t help herself once she started, there was no room for it in her heart and head, had kept it in there for too long. _Solitary solider no more._

“Holy, shit, Shep. No wonder you’re failing…”

“Oh my God, Ashley,” Shepard began to laugh too, despite it all, “It’s ridiculous, isn’t it?” Williams ran her hand through her dark hair and stood, began to change into her nightclothes,

“Okay, Shepard, I knew one name in that sentence, so start over. From the beginning. Boy, LT, this is going to be a long night, isn’t it?” Jane leaned over and unlaced her boots, blushing,

“Ya, Ash, it is… if you want the whole story, it is.”

Ashley sat the wrong way on Jane’s bed, her back against the wall, pajama clad legs tucked underneath her,

“Usually I’d recommend lots of wine and ice cream, but in this case, just start talking.” Shepard joined her on the bed, twisting her fingers together in her lap.

“Okay, well, first of all: I’m an ass, a home wrecker, a terrible friend and person, let’s just get that out in the open. I know what I’m doing is wrong, so please hold any and all judgments until the end of the tour, okay?” Ashley nodded and Shepard ran her hand over the back of her neck again, deciding to let Ashley in on all of it. Aria, Liara, Lazarus: the whole insane story. “Good. Well, it all started in Serrice, on Thessia…”

…

Felt good to get it all out.

…

She passed N4 after all.

 

 

TO: T. TEVOS

FROM: L. T’SONI

SUBJECT: [BLANK]

 

Call me.

 

-L.

 

Thea sat straight up in bed. She knew if Liara was this adamant at this hour it had to be about Irissa. After finding Jarl dead, both Liara and herself had both agreed they had stepped outside their comfort zone and passed into dangerous territory. Aria had sat her down a few days after the Shepard-T’Loak affair had become part of her reality and confessed what her day-to-day really looked like.

_“If we’re being completely honest, let’s do it right.” After Liselle had been bathed and bedded, she had passed Tevos a stiff drink and laid a roadmap of carnage; murder, extortion, torture, disappearance, drugs. Two hours – and several drinks– later Thea had been convinced. Aria had looked at her with such naked concern - such honest fear for her, for Liselle, even for Liara – that she had conceded. “Thea, you are out of your depth-“_

_“-Aria. I am not a delicate flower-“ Aria had nodded, smiled that wicked white smile, and pursed her lips._

_“Yes you are,” she held her hand up, “in this world, you are. Trust me.” Tevos chewed her lip, “our daughter needs her mother…” Aria had looked away then, nostrils flaring. “_ I _need you…”_

They had been unable to find any information on Cerberus, so they had focused on Thea’s campaign instead of Irissa’s dirty dealings – at least Thea was under the impression that they had. Apparently Liara hadn’t taken Aria’s warnings as seriously.

 

Thea gently rose from the bed, looking at her sleeping bondmate as she dialed Liara in a flurry of blue. She tapped her foot impatiently on the floor as it rang, not bothering to turn on the lamp on her bedside table.

“Thea, we got her,” Liara activated the vid call, grinned up at Tevos, bathing the room in orange light. “Or, rather, we will, I am sure of it.” Aria groaned from the bed and rolled over, pulling her pillow over her head to cover her eyes. Liara giggled, put a hand over her mouth. “Sorry, I did forget it was late.”

“Slow down, Liara, what did you find?”

“It is what Glyph found!” Liara was pacing up and down her hall, and Thea suspected she had dug into Shepard’s coffee stash by the subtle shake of the camera on her wrist. “Guess who holds stocks in Cerberus? We – Glyph and I – still cannot find out exactly what they do, where they are located, or who owns them, but – but! – Get this: ‘Irissa Tevos, 35 percent of company shares’.” Tevos whooped in celebration, a tight fist raised in the air.

“I knew it! I knew it, Liara. How did you-”

Aria sat up and threw the pillow at her bondmate. “Okay, fuck waking the baby, what about waking your wife?”

“Hello Aria,” Liara beamed at her naked form, not blushing once. Thea was suddenly hit by a wave of guilt. _Oh, Goddess. I got so caught up in… Oh, Liara. You wouldn’t be so kind to her if you knew. I have to tell her;_

_You’ve left it too long._

_No. You_ have _to._

She gave Aria a chastised look. “Sorry, darling. Liara, I will call you tomorrow – are you teaching? Oh, no, of course not, it’s summer session. Okay, I’ll come by your office on campus?” _I can tell her then._ “We can try and get ahold of Vasir.”

“Goodnight, Thea. Aria.” Liara was gone, the room dark once again.

“I have to tell her, Aria.”

“Your funeral, Thea,” Aria mumbled into Thea’s pillow, turning over and nuzzling down into the blankets again. “Well, Shepard’s funeral, actually.”

The next morning Thea ventured onto the University of Serrice campus for the first time since she had resigned. She was surprised at how nervous the idea of it made her; _or maybe it’s the conversation you’re about to have,_ she thought as she pressed the button to the History building’s elevator. _Just like every other day, Thea. You’ve made this trip a thousand times._ She wiped her hands on her dress, smoothing the lines out as way of hiding her sweating palms. A few ex-colleagues had met her along the way and she had feigned interest, but now she prayed to Athame for an empty hallway. As she entered the thankfully vacant elevator and watched the doors close she tapped her fingers on her thighs, clearing her throat to break the silence; her head was ringing with the outcomes of the next ten minutes. _Just do it; don’t let her talk about Irissa – just come right out and say it. ‘My wife is sleeping with your girlfriend.’ Oh, Goddess, that’s too clinical. ‘Liara, sit down, I have something to tell you’? She’ll think Shepard is dead again, I can’t do that to her…_ The chime brought her back and she took a breath before stepping out and turning the corner to Liara’s office.

She pressed her hand to the sensor and it opened with a hiss. Liara was sitting at her desk and rose with a smile, which Thea returned despite the livewires in her stomach. _Damnit, Aria, this should be your burden, not mine._ She was suddenly furious at her bondmate; much angrier with her now than she had been at the actual indiscretion.

“Thea, I am so glad you came,” Liara placed a kiss on her cheek and led her to the desk, where Tevos sat opposite Liara’s vacant chair. “I just made some tea,” she motioned to the kettle and cups on the shelf by the window, “would you-“

“Liara, please sit down.” Liara looked at her with a funny pinched look, her forehead wrinkling, but she did as she was asked.

“Thea, what is it?” Thea saw a look of panic there, the rise of anxiety. _Goddess, this is exactly…_ Tevos thought, running her hand along her own brow.

“Aria is having an affair.” Tevos saw the relief wash over her friend, who sank, boneless, into her own chair.

“Oh, Goddess. For a minute-“ Liara let out a shuddering breath and reached across the desk, taking Thea’s hand. “Oh, Thea. I am sorry.”

“With Jane.” Liara blinked - once, twice – and Tevos saw the colour drain from her face; a flash of grief, then anger. Then nothing. Blank, like a canvas.

 _Or a statue,_ Thea thought. “Liara, I am sorry.” Liara snapped her hand out of Tevos’, placing them on her lap.

“Oh.” She blinked again, looked a bit nauseous. “Oh,” again.

“Are you okay? Liara, I am so sorry. I thought you should hear it from me.” Liara nodded, absently.

“Yes, thank you. Goddess… Shepard,” Tevos saw the cords in her neck stick out momentarily and knew Liara was trying to keep her emotions in check as tears began to swim in her eyes; she wiped the corners with a discrete finger. Liara stood, “Thea, I believe I would like to be alone. I am sorry I cannot be a very good friend, currently. May we talk about this later?” Thea smiled, sadly.

“Liara-“

“Please?” Tevos stood, nodded, and walked to Liara; took her hands in her own.

“Of course. I am sorry, Liara.” She went to the door, closing her eyes briefly as it opened. Liara called to her,

“Thea? Are _you_ okay?” Tevos nodded again, her back still to her friend. She turned,

“Aria is Aria. Sometime it _is_ like trying to leash a varren. If she strays, well… I am grateful it was with someone I trust.” Liara couldn’t help but smile,

“That is very forgiving. And remarkably astute…” Tevos waved her goodbye, catching Liara’s last words as she went down the hall. “You are a better woman than I.”

Liara walked to the window and poured herself some tea, the cup rattling against the saucer, the lip of it shaking against her mouth as she sipped it. It burned her tongue and she felt all the anger – the unrestrained rage and guilt and shame - bubble up, the tea taking Shepard’s burden. She cried out, a dark, guttural howl that sounded more animal than asari, and threw the cup against the wall. She instantly regretted it, watching the tea drip down her office wall, staining it a dark yellow; feeling like Jane.

Liara sat in her chair and wept, feeling small; green-gilled foolish, crimson and clotted hatred, bleak grey and lonely. _We buried each other alive, Jane… love wasn’t enough._

She lifted her wrist, limply – a thousand pounds of emotions manifested in that singular joint – and opened her call log.

It rang. She sobbed, once, again, and hated herself for crying over her, again. Because of Aria, _again_.

“Hi, Dad?”


	14. Chapter 14

Jane stepped off the elevator and cracked her neck to one side, then the other. She took a breath and unlocked the apartment door; secretly hoping Liara would not be there, that this confrontation could wait just a little bit longer. _Cause months and months without speaking wasn’t enough, huh Shep?_ She heard Aria’s voice in her head; willed it to go away. She set her bag down gently and listened, straining her ears for any sounds of life in the place. Heard the far-off rustle of pages and instantly felt bile threaten to rise; had a mental picture of Liara, sitting at their desk, doing paperwork for school or research, or… _just being. Just being, like before; like before all this shit. My Liara…_ She felt hot and sticky, in her soul.

_How can you face down anything on the battlefield, and you’re afraid of one little asari nerd?_

_Shut up, Aria; oh, good, I’m answering myself now…_ She took a long breath in and blew a longer one out, walking down the hall. She came up short in the kitchen doorway, where she found Liara sitting at the bar, a tornado-mess of papers strewn about her. Had been expecting her in the office, not here, _not yet. Oh, God, not yet…_

Liara looked up and sprang back, almost off the stool. “Shepard.” Jane tried to smile, which became kind of a grimace,

“Hi.” She saw a flash of anger on Liara’s face, fading into shock, then that wrinkle that made Jane’s heart thump like a kick drum; memories of Liara past, of Jane and Liara past. _Can’t we just go back?_ A vacant tunnel in her chest then; no blue-eyed smile to fill it. No purple-skinned dark beauty to make her forget. _Fuck._

She had hung around base after N4 for as long as she could reasonably get away with it, then taken a stop over on Omega; spent a week in bed with Aria, again.

_“Talk to her, Jane.”_

_“I can’t; I don’t know if I can look at her. It’s been too long.”_

_“Pussy.” Shepard had spun on Aria, who had raised her brows, ran her finger in slow circles around her own nipple. Sprawled on the bed in the Omega apartment, naked and flushed, she still looked dangerous. “You at least have to face her.”_

_Aria hadn’t told her that Liara already knew._

_Jane took a swig of warm beer; had been drinking entirely too much since N4. “I’m inside that head a lot, Shepard. I know how you feel. You need to sort it out. Be happy. With her or with me, I don’t care; just be fucking happy, you pathetic fuck.” Jane had growled, advanced on her, tried to sustain her anger as she crawled onto the bed, but found it was difficult to look threatening on ones hands and knees. Aria laughed as Shepard grabbed her wrists in one sturdy hand, pinning them above her head._

_“Liar,” Jane growled again, face inches from Aria’s. Aria hummed, practically purred, when Shepard applied more pressure to her wrists. “You do care, Aria.”_

_“Prove it.”_

But she had listened; had booked the next transport to Serrice.

“Jane,” Liara dropped her eyes, her stomach following suit. _Oh, Goddess… Oh, dear. I thought I had more time-_ Shepard walked to her, jaw set. Liara stared at her, at this stranger who wore the body of her lover. She felt a burning creep, sadness replacing the joy she used to feel when seeing Shepard. That was enough to tell her exactly where she stood; the decision already made in her heart.

_Aethyta let her daughter cry and rant and spew obscenities about Jane Shepard until she had lost her breath, until the sobs had transitioned from dry heaving to nothing more than sniffles. Then she spoke, trying to bury the heartburn feeling she knew was building into blind rage; tried to focus on supporting Liara instead of murdering Shepard._

_“Liara, what happened? All I know is that Jane Shepard is apparently a ‘Goddamn cocksucker’, which, frankly, kid, I’m proud of you for using: good job. But, what happened?”_

_…_

_“Kiddo, the fastest way to get over someone is to get under someone new,” she sighed, waving away Benezia as she whispered in her ear; mouthed to her ‘I’ll explain, go.’ Despite knowing Liara needed both of them right now, she wanted the chance to give her daughter a little advice._

_“Do you really believe that, Dad?” Liara asked, skeptical; Aethyta could almost see the eye roll – the icy look there, so much like her mother._

_“No. But I thought I’d try… you do whatever you need to, Liara, obviously your dirt-bag girlfriend did. We’ll support you, but I gotta tell ya, kid…” She trailed off, robbed of speech for once. Sighed._

_“Do not kill her, Dad. I know it may seem like I want you to, but, please-“_

_“Liara, I’m not gonna kill her. Your mother on the other hand…” Aethyta rose from the dining room table and went to her den, actually locking the door behind her for the first time in living memory. She poured a drink and sat in her armchair, sighing. “Okay, kid. Listen up. I cheated on your mother once,” the dead air on the other end of the line told her all she needed to know about Liara’s reaction. She closed her eyes, “I never thought you’d need to know that about your dear old dad, but hell, there you go.” She heard Liara sniff on the other end, set her Omni-tool down on the arm of the chair and leaned into the plush back, “She was so caught up in politics and her career and she practically froze me out-“_

_In Serrice, Liara stiffened, unseen by her father. That sounded a bit too familiar._

_“-and, because I’m genuinely an ass, a terrible person who makes terrible decisions, instead of dealing with it I found another set of knockers to shove my face into. She almost left me, probably should have. I didn’t deserve a second chance, I didn’t deserve her – hell, I still don’t - but then you came along.” Aethyta shrugged, even though she was alone in the den. The spirit of Shepard seemed very close; like she was telling this story to her daughter-in-law as well as Liara –_ Well, who I assumed my daughter-in-law would be, _she thought, actually sad for a moment instead of angry. “We were trying to work it out, I took your mother out to dinner, and well, that damned suit and one too many glasses of wine - and, bam! - there’s you. Just a tiny flutter, but enough to draw us back together.” Liara was silent for a long time - long enough that her father tapped the Omni-tool and called out,_

_“Yah, I am here, Dad. Just… processing.”_

_“Parents aren’t perfect, Liara. Neither are spouses; just some food for thought. For fuck’s sake, do not get knocked up – I’m just saying, you won’t know where life is taking you until you’re there.”_

_“I can’t, Dad,” her breath hitched and Aethyta’s heart broke, she wanted to reach through the Omni-tool and hold her daughter. Wanted to find Jane Shepard and make her suffer. “I can’t even imagine looking at her,” she made a sound of disgust._

_“Love you, kid.”_

Now, Liara knew she had been right. She couldn’t. Had taken one unprepared look at Jane in the doorway and just knew. Knew because she still loved her, under it all; loved her desperately, and knew that was why she couldn’t. _Ironic,_ she thought, _I finally feel it, and it’s too late. It’s time to tell her it’s over._

Shepard stood before her, drumming her hands on her thighs, and Liara found the courage to meet her gaze.

“Can we talk?” Shepard asked, rocking on her heels, wishing she had taken the time to remove her boots, her uniform.

“About what?” Jane heard the anger, the unusual abruptness, and knew she was treading a fine line.

“About us,” she pleaded, desperate; has wanted this conversation for months – had chickened out of it for so long.

“Shepard, listen, I’m glad you’re here,” Liara’s voice was calm, condescending almost, and Jane felt squirrels in her stomach, knew that face; the detached and cold eyes, the set jaw, the nervous palm to her forehead. Shepard felt something snap inside, blistering resentment boiling to the surface, sabotaging what was supposed to be a decent conversation.

“Why? So you can ignore me? Tell me you need more time? Almost six months wasn’t enough?”

“That’s not fair,” Liara shook her head, putting her pen down with force.

“I came back!” Shepard placed her hands on the bar, separating herself from Liara, could feel herself flushing.

“Yes, you came back,” Liara answered, her temper flaring, “and now you- _ugh_.” She looked away, disgusted. _You came back and now you’re playing Queen of Omega with Aria. I’ve been tossed aside for a murderer with anger issues and a low-cut corset._ Had almost said it aloud; stopped herself. Didn’t want to go there. “Look, Shepard, I have learned to live without you, and, well…” She stood and scratched her upper lip, went to the living room and stared at the synthetic fire in the hearth, remembering their first encounter against that wall. Closed her eyes against that memory.

“And nothing. Liara…” Jane walked around the island, pausing long enough to look at what she had been working on. Liara started talking before Shepard could continue:

“I was at my parents,” she began, almost lost in the recollection, “when you did not call, and I thought you were gone again. My mother, she told me if I felt that way – felt like I was lost without you – I should marry you, and I realized that I did not know if I wanted to. That under that panic I was okay; that I could not keep living like that.” She turned to Jane, her arms crossed under her breasts, cradling her elbows in her hands, “My life had gone on, and now my heart has too. Take this, take this opportunity for your life to go on as well… it is time to say goodbye, Jane.” Shepard took a step toward her, tears swimming, shaking her head, her face contorted into a mask of grief.

“I don’t want to say goodbye;” she bawled, turned from Liara, trying to hide the anguish. When she faced her again her voice was woe-thick and garbled. She almost sank to her knees, felt that despondent, but clutched the island instead; couldn’t believe Liara was standing there so calm. “We were supposed to have a thousand years, and blue babies-“ a sob caught in her throat, unable to finish the sentence. “All you wanted was me… _I came back from the dead for you_.”

“No, Shepard. I brought you back; there is a difference,” Shepard stared at her - Liara all icicles and snowdrifts - and had the urge to grab her; shake her, hit her. That scared the shit out of Jane. She pointed at her through her tears,

“No. No, you do not get to do that. You do not get to take credit for that and blame me for it in the same breath. That’s not fair…”

“Your path is not the same - we’re not - Jane. Our life isn’t. Is this worth it? Maybe it would have been better…”

“Don’t,” Jane crossed the threshold into the living room, hands out in front of her as if to block Liara’s words; a barrier between her and- _this. This unbelievable, this terrible- not-real- it can’t be real._ “Don’t say it. Don’t you dare,” she roared. Shepard saw Liara clench her teeth, saw eyes fill with smoky tendrils. _Good,_ she thought, _lose control. Fight with me, do it; show some goddamn emotion!_ She blinked and they were blue again. “How can you punish me for dying?”

“How can you expect me to adjust my whole life?” Liara replied, finally losing her cool and raising her hands at Shepard, dismissing her. She stormed past her, the briefest flicker of biotics trailing.

“I did,” Shepard yelled, “I did for you. I agreed to all of this for you. For us!” She saw Liara’s shoulders slump, the embers dying. Liara turned back to her, put her hand on her cheek, eyes bright with tears that didn’t fall,

“It is not our time; we had our time, and it got cut short. When you died I should have let you go.”

Shepard backed away from her touch, couldn’t believe what she had said; revolted. Calmness overcame her for a moment; saw her as an alien for the first time.  
“You’re right: you have changed,” Shepard spat, “you’d rather I rot in the ground than be who I am now? You’d rather it be how it was or nothing?” Voices raised now, so sure the neighbours could hear. Didn’t care. Liara threw her arms up and turned around again, flicking her wrist at Jane, flippant.

“You’re being ridiculous, Jane.”

“What happened to you, Liara? You’ve turned into a cold, unfeeling shell of the asari I met.”

“You happened, Jane!” She finally broke; screamed it out. It was like the fire to Jane’s fuse and the inexplicable rage Shepard had felt upon waking from the dead returned. She stepped into Liara’s space with a terrifying quickness, grabbing her wrist forcefully. Liara looked at her, deadpan. “Shepard, let go of me.”

“No,” she snarled, fire in her eyes. “No. I will not give up on us.”

“You’re hurting me,” Shepard blinked, dropped her wrist. She was caught between confusion and shame, watched Liara glare at her like she had never seen her before. She didn’t back away.

“You’d rather me be dead than live up to the ‘expectations’ you set for our life?” Jane sneered, mocking her. “Let’s just call this what it is, Liara: you don’t love me anymore.”

“Shepard-“ Liara tried to interject,

“No! Let me talk!” She bellowed, spraying blue skin with spittle. “You don’t. You love the idea of Shepard; the ghost of Shepard. And instead of admitting that, you’re trying to hide behind how you feel cheated and exhausted and some bullshit.” Jane spun around, couldn’t look at her anymore; couldn’t not look at those freckles. Couldn’t stomach where this had gone – where they had gone. Couldn’t stomach the idea of never seeing those freckles again. “Jesus! I loved you so much-”

“Is that why you fucked Aria? Because you love me?” Jane froze for a second, before her hands went limply to her sides; her shoulders freezing, then collapsing. “If you ever loved me at all you wouldn’t have-you-“ Liara began to cry, anger and grief overcoming her, disgrace and her own idiocy shaking her shoulders. “How can you even say that you love me?” Her voice broke from the sheer volume.

Shepard stared at her, blue hands over a purpled face, eyes rapidly going bloodshot, and felt a still wash over her; couldn’t process anything. Her ears rang, felt full of wool. Liara looked back up at her, “Our time is over – _we’re_ over. You made that decision when you slept with someone else.”

“No, _you_ made that decision when you pushed me out of your life,”

Liara scoffed at her, actually rolling her eyes.

“Do not lie to yourself, Jane. You left me just as I left you-“

“Oh, yes; my fault. Of course,” Shepard put a hand on Liara’s shoulder, wasn’t going to let her walk away. Liara spun on her, biotics flaring out and engulfing her.

“Get you hands off of me. Do not touch me. You lost that right the moment you touched her again.” She advanced on Shepard, who held her ground, nostrils flaring, fists clenched at her sides. “Was she as good as you remembered, Shepard?” Cords stuck out of Liara’s neck and her eyes began to go black again, blue light dancing in her palms, “Was she better than me? Did you think about ‘how much you love me’ when you fucked her?” Dangerous light came off her in waves; Shepard had never seen her like this, like an unchained banshee, all claws and dangerous sounds. She stopped just short of Jane’s face, “I do not want your hands on me ever again.”

“Liara-“ Shepard almost whispered. Couldn’t believe where they – _they_ – were now… Had fallen so.

“No. Never again.”

“Fine.” She was still close enough to count her freckles; her hands shook with want of touching them.

“Fine.”

Two syllables, ending years of life together; ending love and plans and fights and monotony and meals eaten and love made, and-

“I’m leaving.” Liara furiously grabbed a bag from the front closet, stalked to the bedroom and began to toss items into it. Jane followed her,

“Liara-“

“No. I am leaving.”

Jane sat on the bed, “You stay. I’ll leave. You have more stuff here…” Liara ignored her, wisps still shadowing her like sprites. “Where will you go?” Small voiced, now, heart crushed. Knew it was her fault. _Mostly…_

“Miranda’s. Then I’ll find an apartment. Because I cannot go to Thea’s, you’ve ruined that too.” She zipped the bag closed with one quick swipe and took a smaller shaving kit bag from the hall closet. “You’ve ruined everything, Jane; you’ve ruined _me_.” Her words like thorns; like black and oozing poison. “You and Aria have done nothing but ruin anything you have ever touched.” She stopped, could feel Jane following her like an abused puppy. It just made her angrier. “Why do you even care?”

“I love you.”

“No, you do not.” Shepard watched her hunched over the bathtub, grabbing toiletries and crying. She felt like she was in a dream, like she was inside a nightmare. She felt furiously angry with Liara for pushing her into Aria’s arms; felt cold hatred for herself for not being _better_. _Just better_. She felt empty.

Jane dug in her pocket and pulled out the ring that was supposed to bind them for life. She walked into the bathroom and placed it on the edge of the sink, where it made a metallic ting, breaking the silence. Liara’s quiet crying was the only other sound in the room. Liara looked at it, at Jane, and went back to packing soaps and toothbrushes.

Shepard watched Liara for a moment longer before grabbing her coat and storming out, wishing she could slam the door on her way. _Goddamn automatic door._ Kicked it instead.

Later, after night had fallen and she had wandered every park she knew, she returned. The apartment looked like it always had. There was no crater to mark the explosive fight, no neon sign flashing to signal the end. It still smelled of them, their home, their love; the house T’Soni and Shepard built. All was the same except a note on the bed:

 

I will be back to get my things. I would prefer if you were not here when I did.

 

It wasn’t signed.

Jane clutched it to her chest and sobbed as she sat on the edge of bed. _I was brave for you, Liara. I would have died for you. I loved you so much…_ Her tears stained the paper, the blue ink running into something so close to her eyes.

 

The ring was still on the sink.


	15. Chapter 15

Shepard had walked around the apartment in a daze. Liara had been in and cleared it out; all Jane had left were things from their lives before each other. She missed the over-stuffed bookshelves; the PhD hanging in the office; the closet packed full of dresses and blouses she wouldn’t be caught dead in; the half-finished cups of tea on the second lonely, ownerless nightstand; dreadful asari fruit in the fridge, the kind that you only loved if you grew up eating it; she just missed Liara.

Every little thing was a reminder: While digging through the closet for her gym clothes she had found a pair of red silky underwear; found the juice she loved so much in the fridge; uncovered a forgotten pair of heels in the front closet; everywhere she turned there was a knife in her ribs.

Of course she missed her smell – her pillow, left behind, had begun to smell like Jane and Jane alone – and her eyes - that fantastic shade of blue - her skin, her breasts, her legs, those freckles… but the physical reminders of a life together were worse. So much worse. She grieved all over again every time she found one.

But the worst had come last week. After tossing and turning in the too-big bed she had finally resigned herself to a night on the couch – the almost Liara-memory-free couch. Jane had thrown her pillow down and was digging through the ottoman for a blanket when her hand had hit something hard, solid. Reaching down she had pulled out a photo album, unfamiliar to her but clearly well thumbed. Crawling under the fleece and tucking herself into the couch she opened the book, the night lights of Serrice giving just enough light for her to see that its glossy pages held throwbacks to before holos and Omni-tools; _of course Liara loved this,_ she thought. It was full of photos of them, a documentation of their life together: standing on a Thessian pier, hand in hand; at her parents, in garish Christmas sweaters; on campus, at Abyss when it had still been called Afterlife; one of them in bed, taken from above as they laughed, sharing a pillow. Jane remembered taking it – remembered almost dropping her Omni-tool on their heads. She laughed, in the face of the tears that fell onto the plastic covering each memory. On a whim she got up, fished around in her still unpacked duffle bag and placed the torn and well-loved photo of Liara and herself eating ice cream at the back of the album. She closed the lid and went to the piano, brushed a layer of dust off the cover before opening it, and sat. She played Liara’s song and wept, made a pot of coffee and stared out the window until dawn broke. Fell asleep on the couch.

 

When she wasn’t in bed with Aria, Shepard spent her time doing nothing. Food didn’t taste right, booze didn’t get her drunk enough, and the sun seemed cold and blinding instead of warm. How Aria and herself managed to find time together despite her wife being on the same planet, Shepard didn’t know, just knew that Aria had rang her buzzer one night well after eleven. She had stumbled to the door and peered into the camera feed, cross-eyed from lack of sleep, half drunk in an attempt to change that, and saw her standing there in a long overcoat. How she had made it up the elevator Jane didn’t know, didn’t care, had just smirked and opened the door and let her in, watching her drop the coat to reveal naked flesh.

“Thought you’d appreciate the memory, Shep,” was all she said before they said nothing at all; only moans and cries until morning. They repeated that performance, or one similar, at least once a week.

She declined her N5 invitation, knew she was in no shape to go. Told them to call her back for the next round. Wasn’t sure if she was lying to herself about that.

Spent her days lying on the couch, Omni-tool propped up, watching the Blasto vids, one through five, and drinking beer. Spent them in her sports bra and underwear, not shaving, not showering, ordering take out and crying.

Spent her nights, stomach sick and purposeless, staring at Liara’s side of the bed; propping up pillows to spoon so she didn’t feel so alone. Spent them miserable, the gym the only solace she found outside of Aria’s arms.

Spent the months slowly going mad, or so she thought; feeling like a mental patient, snapping back to reality to find an hour had passed while she stared at a vid she wasn’t really watching; usually a cooking show – the only thing that didn’t remind her of Liara. Spent the months with only Aria’s sporadic visits for company.

Fall came before she knew it. Couldn’t believe she had survived so long, thought she would die of a broken heart in the summer heat. Hadn’t seen Thea, Jack, Miranda; hadn’t called Williams or Harris or, god forbid, Alenko. Simply existed without existing at all, except for when Aria was pulling pleasure from her body, feeding what little soul she had left with her strange, corrupted love.

Then one day – one day long after she had stopped counting the days - she woke up and noticed the sun; felt its beams on her face as she passed her window, and actually smiled. She decided to go for a walk, to pick up coffee at a nice cafe instead of making another endless pot.

Shepard pulled on a light jacket and left her apartment, actually strolling along the sidewalks of Serrice like she was a real human being, not a husk, an apparition, a mannequin brought to half-life.

Let her feet guide her, enjoying the marginally cooler air, the still-green leaves, and the people walking around her, going about their lives like heartbreak wasn’t a factual, tangible thing that striped people of their will. She was only mildly surprised to find herself at the University. Took a seat on a familiar bench, one that had led her to Aria so long ago, and watched students go by, their faces free of pain, their lives ahead of them. Jane wanted to warn them, each and every one. She lit a smoke – had picked it up again for something to do; something to fill the endless hours - and turned, looking into the lecture hall that lay kitty-corner to the path between buildings. She wasn’t surprised at all to see Liara, behind the podium, teaching, laughing, answering questions from eager young minds; forgetting about her. Shepard stared at her, feet planted and body leaned forward. It was like she was dreaming - this bizarre encounter - like she was outside of her body. She was ghost: haunting, observing. Had never been resurrected, had lived her whole afterlife on this campus and Liara _had_ truly gone on, healed, was finally happy. Without her.

As if she had heard her name Liara turned and glanced out the window, right into Jane’s eyes. Kept the contact for what felt like a lifetime, but was in reality a blink. Shepard nodded, once, and Liara turned away, went back to teaching, the smile still there. Only Jane knew it was a pale imitation. She didn’t look around again.

Shepard lit another smoke and watched Liara for another ten minutes, got up and walked to the nearest bar – a dark and dismal place with sawdust on the floor, both full of grizzled old men and within stumbling distance of home – and got amazingly shit-faced.

When Liara broke down and peered back outside Jane was gone.

When Jane staggered out of the bar, correction - was thrown out of the bar by two large men with wiry beards and leather vests – it was after dark. She fell onto the asphalt and scraped her chin and palms; rock-embedded and blood smeared, she lay there for a long time, the light rain keeping her awake, the storm in her heart keeping her alive. Eventually, she pulled herself up and limped home, her eye swelling shut, her knuckles bruised. _Good, they match my heart now._

 

Liara said goodbye to her colleagues and shut off her office light, letting the door close behind her. It was well after her normal quitting time, but she had lingered at her desk doing an unhealthy amount of paperwork for longer than strictly necessary, until dusk had fallen and she had been forced to turn on a lamp to combat the dimness. She didn't know if Shepard was still lurking around campus and didn't want to find out; didn't need to know, didn't need to come face to face with her. It was a shadow-twin of their before years; before Death, before Aria, before everything had gone so very wrong. She felt like a specter of the Liara who so badly wanted to run into Jane in these halls, carrying around a sex-stained belt; of being terrified of actually seeing her.

 

 _How foolish I was, how naïve_ , she thought. Seeing Shepard outside the window hadn’t been the shock Liara thought it would be, almost as if she had been expecting it all along, but it had called forth a surge of barely contained anger that took her by surprise.

 

 _How dare you?_ She thought, _how can you sit there like the victim, like you didn't do anything to cause this? Like jumping into bed with a married woman was somehow justified?_ She wanted to scream: _you didn't even give me a chance to come back to you._

In her heart she knew she was just as much to blame, that sometimes things just didn't work out; scientific theories were sometimes vastly off the mark, she knew that; so in turn was life.

She had been distracted and shaking for the remainder of class, assigning more homework than she normally would have, and directing any after-lecture questions to her office hours. _Do not let her so this to you, Liara,_ she had thought, walking briskly back to her office, _do not take it out on them._

 

Now, all she felt was empty. The anger had faded into the sharp pain of loneliness and the dull ache of sadness. _Oh Shepard, what happened to us?_ As she finally left the History Building - a building with so many memories – she was lost in thought; let her feet guide her home. She realized more than halfway there that home was now gone; Jane’s place once more. _Goddess Liara..._ She momentarily debated continuing. Just opening their- _no,_ _her_ \- door and hashing it all out. Letting Jane have her chance to explain; explaining her own faults.

She stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, hand at her brow, and surveyed the scene. _Dinner,_ she thought, spying a mostly agreeable looking restaurant. _And drinks._

_Bad idea T'Soni_ , she heard Aria chastise in her head. That brought another wave of rage. _Fucking Aria who couldn't keep her hands to herself. Aria, who had stolen Jane from her twice now._  

 

_She was low hanging fruit, Blue. You threw her aside; I simply picked her up when she was down._

How Thea and Aria were handling this, she did not know, but knew she would have to face the violet-eyed bitch soon. Liara T'Soni wasn't about to abandon a friend because her bondmate was an ass. 

 _Oh you still love me, Blue; you know you drove her into my arms. Practically ignored her for months. If you had had the courage to just end it..._ Liara thought she must have been going crazy.

_Shut up, Aria; shut up._

_Ever think this time I needed her just as much, Blue?_

She ducked into a small dark restaurant on the corner – debated going into the even danker bar next to it, but saw it was full of old men and covered in sawdust - before any more ghosts began to speak to her.  She ordered enough dinner for one, but enough drinks for four.

The moon had risen by the time Liara paid and left, not stumbling but feeling fuzzy - and happy. _Happy_ , she thought, _for the first time in months._ She hailed a skycar and instead of going home, she punched in Purgatory; looked down at her clothes and shrugged to herself. _I can dance in these._ When she arrived the alcohol had finally seeped into her system in its sly way, and she didn't bother with the couches. Went straight to the dance floor instead.

 

“Oh Goddess,” she murmured into the teal neck her lips had been pressed against. She couldn't remember getting here, couldn't remember much after arriving at the club, only vague gouache images of dancing with an asari and a human - of them having some unspoken fight, vying for her attention. Evidently the asari had won. She had a good idea why.

_Shepard. Damn._

Here she was, ruining something else.

Warm hands on her stomach, sliding up towards her breasts, brought her back to the present with a snap. She groaned into a mouth that tasted unfamiliar, teeth colliding, her own hands on a firm crest, her soon-to-be lover vibrating against her as she did. They were in a bathroom stall, clothing riding up. They were in a wet alleyway, trash cans and vermin around them, rain falling on their heads; they were in the back of a skycar, clothing shed and wet places explored over soaked garments that remained; they were stumbling up stairs, into a studio apartment in an area of town outside of Liara’s pay grade, crashing down onto a soft mattress covered in a smooth, white blanket, drunk bodies pressed together. She tried not to think about anything other than the seeking hands and mouth on her body, tried not to compare it to her only other… She closed her eyes and let her new host strip off her bra, her underwear, surging up into teeth on her nipple, hands on her jaw line, hissing and moaning into an unfamiliar set of limbs, trying to touch every inch of teal skin exposed. There was no smell of cedar and smoke, just asari desire; no strong hands, instead light touches that drew shivers from her - delicate, but indulgent, like a crisp, clear wine. No Shepard, just this stranger who would take her pain, give her pleasure; this ocean-skinned beauty with blue lines near the corners of her eyes, with breasts larger than Jane’s, with Liara’s name on her lips.

“Goddess, you’re so beautiful,” she heard, somewhere next to her crest. _No one had ever-no one except…_

Biotics bathed them in blue light as they trembled and convulsed, as lips found sensitive parts, as teeth left purple marks, delicately soothed with tongues, making Liara jerk and cry out, dragging a hand down a round stomach until fingers were coated in a slickness, until they were deep inside warmth. The asari – _Riliah, Liara reminded herself, Riliah_ – found her as well and Liara gasped aloud, head tossed back, her crest hitting the headboard.

“ _Ah, yes…_ yes. Touch me,” _make me forget._

Something hedonistic woke up in Liara, with this woman on top of her - inside of her - this stranger who knew nothing of her except her body. No gentle exploring and feelings to be considered: just sex, unbridled and raw. She didn’t know she was a professor, a scholar, a timid, awkward, nerd who second-guessed everything, who was afraid, who was heartbroken - just broken - betrayed, sore, sad. It was heaven. It was dark, and dangerous, and sensual, but it was heaven. Liara walled off the part of her mind that was herself and searched for Riliah’s, slamming into it and finding it similarly vacant of much, save sex; pleasure, want, need. Their shared nervous system reflected every sensation back to the other and they found a perfect rhythm, moving together with a fluidity that was like oil, each thrust and peak blending into the next, each rolling motion matched at counterpoint like a choreographed dance. All asari. They cried out simultaneously, surprised and lost in each other. Liara felt herself rise and fall, again and again, each time her cries becoming louder and louder, until she screamed out her lover’s name in a harsh voice she didn’t recognize. Trembling uncontrollably she withdrew back into herself slowly, severing their mental connection long before their physical one. Liara was thankful when Riliah curled up next to her, placing a soft blanket over them both. Nuzzling into her damp skin, and murmuring nothing in particular, she ran fingers over Liara’s arms, her shoulders, her thighs, and Liara couldn’t help but smile, enjoying the warm body as they drifted into sleep.

She woke sometime later, still in darkness, with a pounding headache but no regrets. The Shepard-shaped crater was still there in her heart, in her stomach, but she didn’t rise, didn’t rush away in the pitch. She rolled over and stared at the ceiling in the dark, _I’m sorry I couldn’t Jane…_ she thought, _I’m sorry you couldn’t get to me, couldn’t reach me…_ She wrapped blue arms around a slim waist and buried her face in Riliah’s shoulder blades, where slow tears leaked down her face. _Goddess, I am so sorry for that._ Sleep threatened to take her again as she breathed in Riliah’s scent and thought of Jane; as she held an asari in her arms, but a human in her heart. The tears stopped only when she slept.

 

“Where are you?” Liara set her Omni-tool on the ledge of the bathtub and sunk back into the warm water. Miranda, on the other end of the call, sounded worried.

“At home; in the bath, if you must know,” _needed to soaked the soreness away;_ she was feeling the effects from the night before. _The delicious effects.._. Liara closed her eyes and smiled the memory, felt the hot flush of remembered indulgence; pleasure. Miranda laughed,

“Oh. Well, good. I tried to bring you lunch today – I know how time gets away from you – but they said you called in sick…” Miranda trailed off, fishing. Liara didn’t take the bait. “And you weren’t at home, so… I got worried?” Liara sighed, sinking lower into the bath,

“Okay, Miri, I can take a hint. No, I did not come home last night. Yes, I had sex. Happy?” Miranda laughed and Liara couldn’t help but join in.

“Shepard? Oh, I am so-“ Liara’s bubble burst; she resisted the urge to slip under the surface and drown.

“-No.” Miranda made a strangled noise. “I know, unbelievable, right? Liara T’Soni: tawdry slut.”

“Liara- that’s not what I meant-“ Liara raised one arm and watched the soap slide down, past her elbow, off a dainty wrist.

“I know, Miranda. Honestly, I had a fantastic time; nothing you can say will dim my glow. I needed this.”

“Drinks when I get home? I think I need to hear about this illicit tryst,” Miranda hung up, still laughing. _Well, that went much better than I expected;_ not like the night she had left Shepard.

 _“What the hell, Liara? Two years we worked; you begged me,” Miranda had opened her arms and home to her without a second thought. Had let her storm in, furious, and drop her bag in the spare room, before even asking what was wrong. Had held her and got her a cup of tea and fresh towels, only knowing that Shepard had done_ something _. Some terrible wrong that was sure to be forgiven; Liara would spend a few days away from her girlfriend and laugh and drink and connect with herself, and go home missing Jane to have incredible make-up sex. Instead she found out it was much more._

_“Don’t, Miranda…” Liara had returned her glass to the sink and stood on the other side of the couch, hands on the back of it; Miranda sat on the loveseat opposite, still in shock._

_“The credits… the partnerships-“_

_“Shut up!” Liara bowed her head, “I did not kill her again; all your work is still valid.” Miranda frowned, opened her mouth to apologize, to tell her that wasn’t it, but Liara spoke over her. “Do you think I don’t know? Do you not realize…” She sighed, walked around the couch and slumped down into it. “It was not a decision I made lightly. Goddess…” she started to cry._

_“Do you still love her?”_

 

 _That’s the imperative question, is it not?_ She thought again, pooling water in her hands and letting it pour back into the tub above her breasts. Liara rested her neck against the sloping porcelain side, closing her eyes and letting out a contented sigh; remembered soft hands on soft parts, coaxing faint moans and not-so-faint screams. She hummed with the memory, flooded by it; throbbed. Her hands slipped down wet legs, down long blue thighs to knees where they broke the surface, and back up, running fingers over herself and slipping inside; slipping further into the water with a groan. Blue hands on blue skin now, as it was then; hot water flushed and tingling – tingling like Riliah’s tongue on her skin. Another tongue on her skin, so long ago, in a bathtub like this; Chasca, a less luxurious bathing tub, in the corner of her tent, seldom used. Filled with precious hot water, indulgent - but frugal in that they had shared: _Shepard behind her, breasts pushed against her back, Liara’s head nestled into the crook of her shoulder, pale and muscular legs around her hips. Jane’s arms were around her waist, were gliding up to palm breasts, nipples stiffening against rough hands; lips on her neck, kissing, whispering: “Touch yourself.” Liara obeying, while Shepard worshipped her neck, her crest, the folds and ridges where the two met; making her feel light and airy and wonderful. Shepard watching her touch herself over her shoulder; barely felt vibrations from behind her: her Shepard so desperately trying to keep control. Liara, grasping the back of Jane’s head, fingers curled in damp red hair, pulling her into her neck, needing something to hold onto. Jane’s hand replacing her own, “God, I need to touch you,” in her ear, bliss; “I need to make you come. Let me.”_

Liara felt herself bloom, that gilded feeling taking her from head to toe, and she grabbed the smooth edge of the bathtub; water splashed over the side as her grip faltered, as she shuddered and curled in on herself, legs drawn up, stomach muscles folding down; she bit her cheek to keep her cry in. Didn’t want to be thinking about Jane. About that last clear memory – the one that for some reason felt like _the_ last moment of Shepard and Liara; _will never run my hands through that hair again._ She opened her eyes and grumbled, titling her head back, her crest draping over the back of the tub, annoyed. _Damnit._

 

Liara was toweling off when she heard a soft knock at her door. “Just a minute,” she wrapped the towel around herself and opened it, finding a smiling Miranda carrying two glasses of wine.

“Oh, you’re packed, I see,” she gave Liara a frown, but bounced onto the bed after passing her a glass. Liara nodded, her back to Miranda as she pulled on fleecy pants and a tank top. She was taking possession of the apartment she had bought the next day; months of play roomies had left them both feeling like undergrads again, and they were going to miss it.

Miranda took a sip of her wine, “Soooo,” she crooned, beaming. Liara went indigo and gave her a demure smile, sitting on the bed with her legs dangling over the side. Took a sip of her own and went a shade darker still.

“I saw Jane yesterday,” Miranda’s brows knit together,

“Well, that’s not how I expected this story to start.” She poked Liara’s leg with her toe, “get to the bit where you had loud, passionate sex with a stranger.” Liara shoved her foot away, slapped her calf, but recounted her night in graphic detail, blushing all the while.

“Goddess, Miranda, it was liberating. It was just-“ she made a purr in her throat and took another sip of her dwindling wine, “incredible.” She caught herself running a finger along the rim of her wine glass. Miranda arched an eyebrow at her and laughed. Liara shrugged, sighed a tangled sigh, and got off the bed, “except when I thought about Shepard.”

 _Should be the title of my memoire; Thinking of Shepard,_ Liara thought as she lay in bed, the muffled sounds of Miranda and Jack going about their nightly married rituals in the distance. They had drank wine and talked until neither of them could keep their eyes open, until Jack had arrived home from work and joined their party, but now sleep wouldn’t find her. _It’s nerves; the move tomorrow, my new place,_ she rolled over and adjusted her pillow. _It’s not her._ She opened her Omni-tool and opened her contacts, intending to find Riliah’s number. Instead she found herself tapping out a message to Shepard.

 

 _I miss you._ Finger hovered over the send button for a long time before closing it.

 

She scrolled through her stock portfolio – _up, up, down, damn_ -, her news feed – ‘ _the unveiling of a new statue on the Citadel attracts unwanted vorcha attention’_ -, an asari celebrity gossip site – _‘Is Aria T’Loak-‘ Nope, do not care;_ scrolled past that one. _Hmmm, a sequel to Vaenia is in the works? -_ She sighed, mind wandering to the time Jane had convinced her to try that thing they did in scene 5… _I expect she could do that now after all that military training. Would certainly be able to hold me up- ugh, get out of my head!_ Liara set her Omni-tool back down and rolled over again, staring at the wall and listening to the toilet flush. Abruptly, she reached over her head and grabbed her Omni-tool again.

 

Shepard was hung over. Face down on the couch, arm hanging onto the floor, she groaned as her Omni-tool went off, blinding reached for it, wishing she hadn’t taken it off. Grumbled as the orange light pierced her eyes, blinked a few times and narrowed her eyes.

_I miss you._

She sat straight up, dizzying, and almost falling over. Stared at the message on the screen: ‘I miss you’. Blinked again, so sure she was dreaming, that her booze-addled mind was fabricating this. Had to be. She read the name again: Liara. Not Aria; Liara.

“Oh my God,” she said to the empty apartment, her stomach a pit of snakes. _Wadda I-Ohmygod-what do I say?-huh-ohmygod…_ She paced the room, clipping the tool to her wrist and running her hand along her neck. It pinged again and she let out a strangled cry,

 _Or rather, apparently I do. I cannot stop thinking about how things ended. About us._ Liara’s message read.

Jane wrung her hands together, unable to stop moving around the living room.

_Oh my God- say something; send something back!_

 

Liara closed her eyes and hit ‘send’. She put an arm over her head and resisted the urge to throw the Omni-tool across the room. _That was a mistake;_ she instantly knew that. As she buried her face in the pillow, a dismal attempt at suicide, she waited for Shepard to reply. When the ping didn’t come she opened one bleary eye and quickly sent a clarifying message.

After five minutes with no reply her heart rate returned to normal and she closed her eyes again, willing sleep to come.

The Omni-tool buzzed on her bedside table.

She slowly opened her eyes, unsure what to expect.

**_I miss you too._ **

She rolled her eyes, _really, Shepard? Took you that long to-_ another ping.

**_I miss you so much it hurts. It physically hurts me, Liara. I haven’t been able to sleep, I haven’t been able to do anything except exist, and even then I’m not very good at it. I am sorry I hurt you_ ** _._

Liara stared at the longer message; it was the first time Jane had apologized for her and Aria- that made her think of them together again, which was accompanied by a sneer and a boiling, gut-sick feeling.

_Are you still seeing Aria?_

…

Shepard’s reply took longer than warranted, based on the length: **_Yes_ ** was all it said.

 

Liara keyed a reply with strokes that were more savage than necessary, through tears she knew were her own fault this time:

 _I wish I did not miss you. I wish I didn’t have to think about you anymore. I wish you would just disappear._ Sent it.

 

Jane had debated lying to her. Told the truth instead.

Liara’s reply hurt more than she imagined. _Nothing ever changes,_ she thought.

 ** _I wish I could too_** _,_ she typed. Sent it.

Didn’t say anything else; about dying every day, wasting away in bits and pieces. Didn’t say anything about not being to fathom a life without her, either. About how she now understood how Liara had felt…

She dropped her Omni-tool on the couch and picked up her guitar.

Started to play.


	16. Chapter 16

Liara’s message wouldn’t leave her alone. Like the proverbial cricket on her shoulder, whispering in her ear night and day:

_I wish you would disappear._

“So do I, Liara. So do I…” Shepard said aloud to her empty living room. She got up from the piano bench and felt something crack in her spine, knew it was time to take a break.

A week of composing and playing had left her body hunched and sore; almost rivaled basic.

She had pulled the terminal and console from the office – Liara’s space – onto the kitchen island and surrounded herself with music; had begun to record again. She was surprised how quickly the hours went by when she was lost in drum tracks and bass lines; how little the emotions tore at her soul as long as she was pouring them into the music. The snippets of song and lyrics she had felt the night of _the message_ \- as she now thought of it – were fast turning into something unformed but productive. Felt she had something here: beauty from chaos; her rose born of a thicket of thorns.

It was like lancing a wound. No apology this time, just cathartic artistry; needed for it to come out, get it out of her bloodstream, out of her soul.

_I miss you._

She sipped coffee and leaned on the counter, cup in one hand, sheet of lyrics in the other:

_‘And I wish I never had to think of anything about you_

_But the years are there and I'll always be someone who said I loved you_

_It's just another day’_

 

Knew there was more there: more inside waiting to be uncovered like one of Liara’s artifacts. More inside, making her feel grey and green and contaminated. She set the sheet down and rubbed the space between her eyes, rubbed her wrist and clenched and unclenched her fist, trying to work out the stiff tendons, the aching muscles. _Damn, overdid it._ Jane took her coffee and wandered down the hall, into the bathroom, and dug around for medi-gel, for pain killers, for a tensor bandage – anything that would let her sit and pour out her heart for just a little longer. She tore through the medicine basket under the sink, tossing bottles, half-empty tubes of medicinal smelling crap, and prescriptions – long since expired- that bore the name T’Soni, until she was surrounded; sat back in a crater of bathroom refuse, the lone survivor of a goo war. Shrapnel of the strangest kind. Found an unused pregnancy test. Asari. Blue baby beaming at her from the box. Threw that across the room. Moved onto the hall closet, hoping she wouldn’t have to venture out again, once had been enough; had taught her a lesson. _Ah ha!_ She remembered now: stumbling home last week, after the bar fight, landing face-first on her bed and rummaging in the bedside table for medi-gel. _Using the last of it on my eye…_ She snuck a peek into the bedroom; saw the crumpled tube in the wastebasket in the corner of the room, on top of tear-stained tissues and takeout food containers. She went back into the kitchen, grabbing her coffee cup where it sat next to Liara’s ring on the bathroom counter as she went; it could stay there gathering dust and tarnishing as far as she was concerned. _Well, damn._ Didn’t want to face the outside world; didn’t want to stop playing music.

Shepard walked to the pharmacy with her hands in her pockets, the early-autumn afternoon golden and warm. The door hissed open in its usual way and she waved at the squat volus manager; had become quite accustom to his vacant stares, processing this odd human, orange haired and awkward, who always ran in in a tizzy, at all hours of the day and night, asking where to find the strangest items. She strolled on autopilot, down the nearest aisle – in Shepard’s opinion, the nearest aisle was always the best shortcut to where you needed to go - and squeezed through the gap between unstocked merchandise and the shelving. Whistling, she passed hair dye, feminine hygiene products, cosmetics for all species, and rounded the corner, grabbing not one but two tubes of medi-gel. _Fool me once,_ she thought, heading back to the front of the store. She rounded the corner and abruptly slammed on her heels, walking backwards to take refuge between diapers and formula. _Thea. Oh shit, oh shit. I need to start using a different pharmacy._ Shepard spun around in a circle, looking for cover: somewhere to hide. _Jesus, Jane; it’s a drugstore, not a battlefield._ She had just made it to the back of the store again when she saw Thea round the corner, shopping basket on her arm. Jane picked a magazine off the nearest rack, _Fornax, print edition. Oh good,_ and held in front of her face, trying to disappear. She shuffled down the aisle, not reading, watching her feet; trying to keep her back to Tevos.

“I can see you, Jane.” Shepard froze, eyes wide behind her camouflage. _Maybe if I don’t speak…_ “Your hair gives you away – and your magazine is upside down.” Shepard focused her eyes on the image in front of her: _why, yes. Yes it is._ Remembered the last time she had seen this particular part of the asari anatomy from this angle. Went scarlet. She shoved it on a shelf and turned, slowly, ready to face the ire of a woman scorned.

“Thea, I-“

“Spare me, Jane,” Tevos wore a tiny smirk, the corner of her mouth turned up. It looked like she was trying not to bite her tongue off. “Shepard, it’s okay.” Jane gulped, nodded, and stared at her shoes again. Jumped when Thea touched her gently on the arm. “Really.” Jane finally met her eyes, green on green, so sure she was going to be thrown into the display of chocolates, biotics turning her internal organs into mush. _God, why asari – why is it_ always _asari? Couldn’t find a nice, safe human girl to cheat on her wife with?_ “This is not how I assumed this conversation would happen, but we seem to be creatures of habit, do we not?” Jane nodded in agreement, weakly, like a little boy caught tearing the wings off flies. Thea sighed, “Alright, well, it’s been nice, Jane.”

“Thea, wait- oh man, I-“ Her stomach flipped; had absolutely nothing to say. Had been too preoccupied with Liara to even think about Thea.

“I know you love her, Jane,” Thea smiled, almost sadly, “you take care of her when I can’t. In your own way.”

“That’s very forgiving…” Shepard gulped.

Thea laughed, soundlessly, “That’s what Liara said.” She saw the look of pain cross Shepard’s face and couldn’t help feel sorry for her. “We’ve all made a mess of it all, haven’t we?”

“No, Thea. _You_ didn’t.” Tevos shrugged, the tiniest raise of her shoulders; _I am pretty sure I did, Jane,_ it said. “I’m sorry, Thea.”

“Come around sometime, Shepard. I miss having you around.” Thea turned and went back to her shopping; Jane turned and shuffled to the front of the store.

 _God._ Decided in that moment she needed to get off Serrice; had done enough damage. There were just a few things she had to take care of first.

 

Liara hung up her Omni-tool with a smile, turned off the bathroom light and walked the short distance to Thea’s office while drying her hands on her pants. “Sorry, where were we?” She had finally reached out to Thea, and they had resumed their friendship with no fanfare, just a simple, ‘hello;’ ‘good to see you, Liara;’ ‘you too, Thea’. Like nothing had happened; nothing had changed. _Well, except for Aria…_

_Aria, who hadn’t apologized; just winked, Aria who smiled at her and shrugged. Aria who wasn’t intimated by Liara’s icy stares or cold shoulder; Aria who had swaggered in and kissed Thea, brushing too close to Liara and smelling like Shepard._

That had been weeks ago now, but the two had come to a silent truce. Liara had opened her mouth a hundred times to tell her off, to explode, but found that for every time she didn’t the urge to so do passed quicker and quicker. Besides, Riliah was keeping her occupied. Busy.

“Was that Riliah?” Thea smiled, practically teasing. She hadn’t told Liara about her run-in with Shepard, she hadn’t seen the need to open old wounds.

“Yes,” Liara blushed, drew the word out. Thea couldn’t help but be happy for her, despite the strange urge for Shepard to come out on top. _Tevos, you are a strange bird._ She heard Jane in her head, _I sleep with your wife and you still care…_ Thea held up her finger to Liara as the monotone elevator music coming out of her Omni-tool suddenly stopped.

“Tela Vasir.” The voice was brusque, no nonsense, and Tevos found herself caught off-guard. Cleared her throat and adopted her best politician voice:

“Ms. Vasir; Thea Tevos. I believe we need to speak,”

“Ah, yes. About Jarl Bar’klen, correct?” Thea shifted her eyes to Liara, who was standing on the other side of her desk, listening.

“Yes. Correct.”

“And you’re wondering how I know that, _correct_?” Wasn’t sure if she was mocking her. Reminded her of Aria, actually… Thea didn’t answer, and Vasir continued, “Why don’t you ask Dr. T’Soni to look into how I know?” Liara stared, took a step back; mouthed ‘she’s good’. “You are aware I am a Council Spectre?” Thea sipped her tea to give herself time to answer; eyed Liara, who looked equally uncomfortable – was tapping away on her Omni-tool like a fiend.

“Ms. Vasir-“

“Call me Tela,”

“Tela, no I was not aware of that, and I appreciate your time even further.”

“Alright; tell you what, Thea, we’ll meet; just make sure you bring the Doctor and any paperwork on Cerberus you have, got it?” Liara raised her brow markings, skepticism all over her face.

“That sounds agreeable.” They had barely set a date and time and disconnected when Liara approached the desk again,

“Thea, I do not feel comfortable sharing our information-“

“Liara, we need her. If we want to get Irissa, we need her.” Liara weighed that, walked to the window by the couch and tapped her foot.

“We do. You are right,” she turned back to Tevos, a glint in her eye, “but – hear me out – let us have an initial meeting. I’ll bring some of the data – not all of it –“ she held up her hands; saw the objection all over Thea’s face. “And if she can help us I’ll release the rest. Okay?” Thea sipped her tea again – nodded over the lip.

“Okay.” Set the mug down and sighed, scrolling through the document that had grown exponentially over the months, “okay. So, tell me about your new girlfriend…”

 _Girlfriend._ It still sounded strange to Liara’s ears. Shepard had always been, well, Shepard. Not her girlfriend. Her and Shepard; two halves of a whole. Now, she had a _girlfriend_ ; someone who made her nervous, made her stomach flutter with anxiety, made her cheeks flush with jumpy energy. Someone she was getting to know slowly, tiny bit by tiny bit. It was different somehow. _What if she doesn’t like the vid I picked? What is she doesn’t like me? What if she…_ With Jane it had never mattered, like they had just been waiting to find one another, a fully formed relationship just there for the taking; not forged, but uncovered, like an ancient relic. Like they had known each other for every life each had lived.

Jane had been home.

 

Jane was at home, her headphones in, her music software running full tilt, when Aria slid down behind her in the chair, making her simultaneously jump and melt. _She smells like musk and charcoal_ , she thought, leaning back and into Aria’s damn and naked form. “Finished in the shower already?” Aria didn’t reply; just let her hand creep up under Jane’s t-shirt, where her braless chest was exposed, nipples turning to diamond under those fingers. Shepard removed one earbud and felt Aria’s tongue on her lobe, in her ear, teasing it with tiny bites and the faintest hint of wetness, before she whispered,

“Leave them in.” Raising her eyebrows Jane smirked but replaced it, and Aria reached over her shoulder and found her music player, turned on the first thing that looked interesting. She chose well; bluesy rock from some forgotten Earth era and the scent of asari filled her senses. Soon Aria’s hand was dipping below the waistband of her boxers, fingers curling into the short hair she kept, running through folds that were quickly becoming wet. Jane closed her eyes and ran one hand up Aria’s ribs, where she could reach; the other she slammed over the hand roughly kneading her breast, keeping it there – needing to feel her skin.

Felt a wicked finger find her most sensitive point; felt it stiffen and she moaned, leaning back into her. One finger was all it took; she shook apart in minutes with Aria between her legs, on her neck, at her breasts; under her skin. When she stopped trembling, Shepard lifted her into her arms and carried her to the bedroom, kissing her deeply. They didn’t come out for a long time.

“I’m leaving for N5.” Jane was smoking and lying on her back, Aria’s toes playfully wiggling next to her ear. She lifted her head and gazed down at Aria, somewhere next to her calves, and passed her an unlit cigarette and lighter. Aria didn’t reply, just lit up and blew out a smoke ring; watched it as it floated to the ceiling and dissipated into nothing. “I can’t be a mistress, Aria.” Aria leaned up on her elbows and stared at her, violet eyes still touched by the darkness of their sex.

“Well you are;” She finally spoke, taking another drag as Shepard put her own smoke out, “and you can,” she added, flippantly, before setting her cigarette between her front teeth and sitting up, climbing onto Jane’s lap. She straddled her hips, their mingled wetness creating a slick that made Shepard groan again, and smoked, looking at her while the human slowly ran her thumbs over her nipples; unable to resist those breasts within reaching distance. “I’m not leaving her, Jane. I love her; this works for me-“

“Aria-“ at her name she took Jane’s hands and pressed them harder into her chest,

“-and I know it works for you. You and Thea have your peace. What doesn’t work for you is Blue.” Jane groaned and lay back down, slumping into the mattress and dropping the asari’s breasts. “That’s your cross to bear, Shep. Sorry, not my fault Asari are more enlightened.”

“Fucking hell, T’Loak: tell that to Liara,” Shepard grumbled, looking up at the naked goddess on her lap. “How did it all get so complicated?” She pulled her stomach muscles tight and grabbed Aria’s waist, pulling her down and into her until her head lay on her chest. She wrapped white, sun-scared arms around the other woman she loved. Aria grunted but relaxed - let Jane run her hands up and down her back, over her shoulders, arms, ribs. Shepard almost felt like she had tamed a big cat; it wasn’t often Aria showed her this kind of intimacy.

“Damnit, Aria, how can we ever go back from this; stop this?” Aria didn’t answer, had her eyes closed. “I feel like as long as I live you’ll be there, tempting me,” _loving me_ ; silence. _Just out of reach, coals ready to reignite at a moments notice,_ Jane thought, looking down at chiseled features. She ran her finger along Aria’s facial markings. The asari kept her eyes closed, but finally spoke,

“That’s assuming you’ll actually ever find someone else; maybe we’re meant to do this forever.” That was tempting. Her breathing was even and Shepard could tell she was falling asleep. _If the galaxy could see her now,_ she thought; her heart had that full feeling again; like it was going to split open. “Who knows, maybe Thea will let you move in,” Aria let out a snort at her own words; hands still gently roaming, Shepard kissed her scalp.

“What you mean is, that’s assuming I’ll be back with Liara; I’m stupid, aren’t I? She’s never going to take me back.”

“You never know if you don’t try,” they lay in silence. Jane watched the early evening shadows move across the wall; the only mark of time outside of Aria’s regular breath. Shepard had finally closed her eyes, began to drift off, when she spoke again, “You writing her another song?” It wasn’t really a question, she knew.

“No. It’s my song: it’s a song about my heart. It’s not ready. I don’t know.” Aria pushed herself up off of Shepard’s chest,

“You know how I know, Shepard?” Shepard looked at her, wondering how she could be so collected and confident in all of this.

“You don’t write me songs.”

Jane stared into her eyes, searching; deciding. She licked her lips and climbed out of bed as Aria glared at her, “I don’t care; don’t get all sensitive on me,” she called down the hall as Jane left. She slumped back onto the pillows, not giving chase. Shepard came back a moment later, the sound of guitar chords preceding her. She was carrying her Omni-tool; set it in the middle of the bed.

 

 

_‘If I ever see the sun again_

_Without a sense of emptiness inside_

_I'm telling you first,’_

“Yes I do,” she looked at Aria, naked truth on her face: a simple fact.

_‘When I tear down through the endlessness_

_Of walls that I can't feel_

_I want to know that there's a haven_

_A touch of you to heal’_

_‘I've listened to the sound of nothing_

_Tell me what it is that I am listening for_

_Show me what I'm looking for’_

Aria watched the Omni-tool, only her pinched brow giving away any emotion, but Jane could see through her. Saw the goosebumps rise on her naked arms, saw the subtle flare of nostrils, the set of her jaw change.

_‘If I ever taste a breeze again_

_gently on my skin_

_I'm telling you first_

_The silence has been golden but it_

_pierces through my head_

_Sometimes the pathways of_

_the thoughts I have_

_Are better left unfed’_

_‘I've listened to the sound of nothing_

_Tell me what it is that I am listening for_

_Show me what I'm looking for’_

Saw her chest hitch; a lungful of air betraying centuries of cold, calculated detachment.

_‘I believe this is where I should be_

_I follow only where my heart can be this free_

_But I fight, I fight,_

_The coldness of these nights without_

_The comfort of the sight of you_

_holding on to me’_

_‘I've listened to the sound of nothing_

_Tell me what it is that I am listening for_

_Show me what I'm looking for’_

 

Shepard snuck another look: saw Aria adjust her face, from an open, almost soft, dazed expression, to the unyielding woman she knew. Aria saw her looking and shrugged, an aloof half smirk playing on her face; those eyes still told a different story. Jane raised one eyebrow – raised her hands, palm up, _there it is, Aria: my bequest to you._

“There’s more, I just never-“ Aria stopped her. Ambushed Shepard’s lap and kissed her, earnestly,

“I need you too.”

Later, straddling her - clinging to her like she would deteriorate into nothing if she let go – Jane heard in her head: _I love you_ , soft and sincere, so unlike Aria; no steel edges and venom, fatal sparks or shadows. _But I’m not what you’re looking for._

 _I’m sorry I can’t make you happy for eternity; I’m sorry this is going to end someday_ ; the words fractured, fighting through the pleasure. Falling over the edge together as one, a moment later.

 

 

Liara pulled on an unfamiliar housecoat and crept down the stairs that led from the bedroom. The morning sun was breaking through the windows, and she paused in its rays for a moment, looking out over Serrice’s business district. She stretched and looked around, familiarizing herself with her new place before rummaging around in the kitchen cupboards for tea; had no idea where Miranda had put it while unpacking. When three cupboards failed to produce Liara moved onto the morning ritual of making coffee. Another thing Shepard had taught her; she remembered the first cup they had shared. _At that tacky diner,_ she thought, unable to hold back a smile. _I could see through it and she promised to make me a real cup and-_ she jumped, warm hands wrapping around her waist; she hadn’t heard the creak of the stairs or feet on the tile.

“Good morning, beautiful,” in her ear, and she turned her head and met Riliah’s lips, a small chaste peck that deepened into more. She groaned into her mouth, half pleasure, half sure she had morning breath.

“Good morning,” all breathy and coy, the sound of the sputtering coffee almost drowning her out, but her eyes giving her away. Riliah backed her against the counter, one slender hand on her hip, running smoothly over the silky robe.

“I like you in my clothes,” she murmured into blue lips, and Liara blushed.

“I seem to think you like me better out of them,” Liara pulled that bottom lip in between her teeth, with just a touch of pressure. Riliah laughed against her mouth, the vibrations wonderful and traveling down her spine. That hand was suddenly clutching fabric, riding it up and stroking a bare thigh, the crease where her leg and hipbone met.

“Mmmhmmm,” she hummed into her mouth, and Liara felt that delicious heat in the small of her back; was suddenly glad she hadn’t pulled on any underwear.

Lips on her neck, a growl in a throat – Liara didn’t know which one of them - hands seeking, discovering - a low cry that drew wetness from her; curling: gently –expertly - finding that wonderful spot inside, just so. She felt a pressure in her temples, at the base of her skull, and found Riliah’s mind with her own, barely time to put up any walls. Liara gripped the edge of the counter with both hands, lifting her hips; encouraging her. Riliah hit something inside her and she bucked – practically screamed, and relinquished her hold, taking a slender wrist in her hand instead. Liara held Riliah’s hand where it was, meeting her gaze; blackness. She maintained eye contact as she came, slack jawed and pumping. Her mind was a maelstrom of cleft images, Riliah and herself: her breasts the night they met, in that dress, cleavage blue and delicious, _she_ had never shown cleva-; between her legs, dark tongue working her into a frenzy, her taste new and wonderful; the tightness of her azure, the flutter it caused every time she entered her, so different than-; last night, jokes of breaking Liara’s new bed – then breaking in the new bed – above her, riding her, writhing and sweat drenched – how Liara had always been the one to-on top-with-; in her office, pressed against her window, laughing and having to stop – too unprofessional, had already risked so much in the janitor closet with Ja-

Liara slammed her mind closed, cursing herself and withdrawing when they both had stopped panting.

The coffee beeped behind them, forgotten. Riliah drew back from Liara’s flushed neck. “Who is she?”

“Ree-“ Liara debated pushing herself off the counter, but stayed; held her ground and held Riliah’s gaze.

“I’m not stupid, Liara. I’m also not pushy,” she squeezed her hand, “I’m just asking.” Liara swallowed and sighed, running her hand along her opposite shoulder; so much like Jane… _so many things she’s left behind on me. In me._

“The love of my life, or so I thought. My only… It’s-well, I cannot go there yet. Please, understand.” Dark eyes met her own, and the acceptance there almost took her breath away.

“I do,” Riliah replied, helping her off the ledge and pulling her into an embrace. “I just didn’t know if it was me you didn’t want to let in, or- I saw-“ Liara heard from near her neck.

“It’s not,” Liara drew back, holding her shoulders until she nodded, “and I know what you saw, I’m sorry you had to- I promise I wasn’t thinking- it just slipped through the cracks.”

A knock on the door broke the silence and Liara jumped, gave Riliah an apologetic look and went to the door, peering into the camera feed next to it. _Jane?_ _Oh, no, no, no. By the Goddess, why now?_ She put her hand to her forehead and closed her eyes, willing her to go away. The buzzer rang again; saw pitiful eyes, feet shuffling, a bouquet of flowers in one hand. Liara sighed and opened the door, standing in it to block any notions Jane had of coming in.

“Hi,” Shepard said, holding out the flowers; so much like their first date, both the flowers and the nervousness in her voice. Liara managed a weak smile. “For you.”

“Hello Shepard,” she didn’t take the bouquet and Jane dropped her arm.

“Can we talk? I mean… can I come in?” Eyes dropping, a visible lump in her throat. Liara tilted her head and opened her mouth, a ‘no’ on her lips. Shook it and closed her own eyes for the briefest moment. Had wanted this to be easy: _no, leave. I said never again; leave and never come back._ Jane reached out to her and touched her arm; she flinched away from it. It burned.

Liara saw the heartbreak: purple rings around those eyes – _those eyes… that shade of green I saw my future in_ ; no dancing light there; skin too pale, even for Shepard; hair too long, _if I touched it would feel like straw_ – found herself about to reach out and do just that; was she thinner? Liara thought so. Rounded shoulders, a perpetually pinched look of pain on those features that were usually so sunny; mouth brittle, no lopsided grin anymore. She was broken, Liara could see that.

“No, Jane. It-it is not a good time,” she crossed her legs, leaning on the frame; remembered she was wearing not much and blushed indigo.

Shepard seemed to realize the same thing in the same instant, looked at her housecoat - the legs peeking out, the suggested nakedness underneath - and Liara saw the shattering grief overcome her; saw the life drain from her limbs, her face draw in, almost gaunt in that moment, all her features cadaverous and tight.

 _Human,_ Liara thought. _She looks human. So frail and human; she only has one chance to get it right. 100 years give or take,_ and Liara knew, with a tunneled clarity, that Jane would remember her for the entirety of those years; no matter where she went, or who she found, Liara T’Soni would be there in her.

_Isn’t she allowed a few mistakes?_

The thick, uncomfortable silence was broken by a voice from the apartment: “Liara?” Checking in. Worried.

“You-?” Shepard’s stomach flipped, tightening and going loose at the same time; threatened to spill onto her shoes. She felt her blood thump in her ears. Felt like the ground shifted under her feet. She suddenly knew how Liara felt, all at once. _Aria, me… Oh God, what I did to her…_

Imagined Liara with whoever was in the apartment: laughing, eating, drinking, fucking; worse, making love. Died.

 _Who is she, Liara? Is she human? Asari? Does she know you message me late at night? Does she know about me_ at all _?_ All Minor chords in her brain; misery personified.

_Do you love her?_

Felt like her life was over; the bottom had dropped out of the world. She wished she were back, spinning through space, almost dead; felt the same anyway.

You’re _what I’m looking for; you were always what I was looking for._

She swallowed her pride; shoved her feelings deep down where it mingled with the hate she felt for this new woman; it mixed into a sludge of noxious waste. _I will be brave. I will be brave…be brave._ She dug deep down and the found the military calm they had beat into her with every pushup and broken bone. Shoulders back, head high, spine straight, ribcage expanding with calm air, she tipped her head in understanding – even as her mind screamed _no, no! You belong with me. Take me back, God I love you. Don’t you know I love you? Does she make you feel-does she-is she-do you-?_ Felt a lump threatening to take her down like a sniper’s bullet. Couldn’t lay the blame anymore. They had done this. _She_ had done this.

“Okay, I-I-“ her voice broke and she cleared her throat; looked at the ceiling before gazing back into the endless pools of Liara’s eyes; _the eyes fell in love with…_ “I just want to say one thing: I would have followed you anywhere, Liara.” Shepard ran her hand over her neck and for the briefest moment saw Liara’s heart break all over again. “I just wanted you to know that.”

The look on Liara’s face told Shepard all she needed to know, and she simply took one lovely blue hand in her own, for the last time, and squeezed. “I still love you.”

 _I know you don’t believe me – you don’t believe_ in _me._

Nothing left of them but shattered glass where they had been; scorched silences and ozone air: the aftermath of the lighting strike that had been their love.

Liara wanted to shout. _Shepard… Jane. I think about you constantly; I compare every moment to you; you permeate my whole being. I can’t…_

“Shepard…” she closed her eyes; couldn’t do this, not know. “Please... don’t.” She stepped back, dropping Jane’s hand. _I loved you,_ her eyes said, _too much. You hurt me too much because of how much I loved you._ Jane nodded again. Liara closed the door and willed the tears away; wiped at them irately.

Liara watched Jane on the camera: she stood for a moment, staring at the closed door, before placing the flowers on the floor. She saw tears fall. Then she turned, shoulders slumped, and walked away.

 

Later, alone in her bed, Liara kicked the blankets off her legs and feet, unable to sleep; unable to do anything but stare.

_‘I would have followed you anywhere…’_

She had an email from Jane on her Omni-tool. Had refused to open it, especially with Riliah here; now she just refused on principle. _Goddess, Liara, just delete it,_ she told herself, climbing out of bed and grabbing it from her top drawer. She had shoved in into a pile of underwear after Jane had texted her:

 _Do you love her?_ Had almost replied. Ignored it instead.

Out of sight, out of mind. _Sure, babe,_ she heard her father’s voice in her head, _and that’s why you think about her when the new one’s got you pressed against the counter, right?_ Like the reputed heart, she could hear it calling to her; could feel it thudding in her chest.

She selected the message – _didn’t even give me a subject line to work with, Shepard…_ -and her finger hovered over the delete button. She sighed and opened it:

 

TO: L. T’SONI

FROM: J. SHEPARD

SUBJECT: [BLANK]

 

This isn’t an apology; this isn’t anything except _us_ -well…

This is my goodbye.

 

You’ve always been my muse; I love you – even if you don’t believe it, don’t feel it too – know I do. I would have gone anywhere, done anything, for you.

 

Goodbye, Liara.

 

\- Jane

 

An attachment. Liara knew it was a song; _it’s not going to work Jane,_ she thought, but couldn’t help it; had to listen.

 

 

_‘It doesn't matter what you say_

_Your fancy words are coming much too late_

_And you've been known_

_To sweep me off my feet_

_And you eloquently make up for the void you leave’_

_‘It's just another day_

_Nothing's really changed_

_I can see it when you look at me_

_I know you don't believe in me_

_No you don't believe_

_No you don't believe in me’_

_‘I let you make me feel alone_

_You made me think I didn't need much more_

_But I went along_

_For something real and warm_

_And I hate how I sat by and watched it go this long’_

_‘It's just another day_

_Nothing's really changed_

_I can see it when you look at me_

_I know you don't believe in me_

_No you don't believe_

_No you don't believe in me’_

_‘And I wish I never had to think of anything about you_

_But the years are there and I'll always be someone who said I loved you’_

_‘It's just another day_

_Nothing's really changed_

_I can see it when you look at me_

_You never rest your eyes on me_

_I know you don't believe in me_

_No you don't believe_

_No you don't believe in me’_

_‘Maybe this is all I need_

_To tell you I was never crazy about the girl you made me be’_

 

Liara deleted the message without replying. Stared at her bare feet on the floor for a long time. Saved the song.

 

Jane left for N5.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Absolutely did NOT write the lyrics (in italics in the chapter) the copyright for these great tunes is as follows: 
> 
> BETTENS, SARAH  
> Double T Music  
> Universal Distribution, 2007 Barefoot Touring Ltd. under exclusive license to Universal Music Belgium
> 
> BETTENS  
> Bettens Music, Wallaby Records, distributed by Rough Trade.


	17. Chapter 17

Aria answered the door with Liselle in tow, little knees making large sounds as they frantically shuffled along the hall. Her father kicked out one heeled foot to block her path and she giggled, trying to climb over it. Liara stood on the doorstep, a pile of datapads in her arms. “Blue, doesn’t my wife have you programmed in yet?” Aria leaned on the door, all smugness and cleavage, and Liara glared, pushed her way in, mindful of both Liselle and the fact that Aria had used the human term unequivocally on purpose. She snapped her head back to Aria in passing, “Oh, she does. I am merely sick of walking in on you in bed.” Aria actually chuckled as she grabbed her daughter and trailed Liara down the hall.

“Now, now, T’Soni, play nice.” Liara slammed her datapads on the kitchen island,

“Play nice?” She spun, one hand on her hip, and faced Aria, “Are you serious _T’Loak_? I’ll play nice when you decide to play with your own toys for a change.”

“Well, I clearly walked in on something,” Tevos came down the stairs and took Liselle, placing her in the highchair and pulling a knife from a drawer. She began to cut up fruit, keeping a watchful eye on the pair.

“No”

“Yes” they said at the same time, and Thea smiled to herself in spite of the tension in the air.

“I can’t be blamed for taking better care of my toys, Blue. You seem to replace yours with the latest model-“

“Enough,” Liara stormed out of the room and up the stairs: sick of the innuendo, sick of Aria’s cockiness, sick of picturing her and Shepard… _Now she brings Riliah into it._ “Enough, I have had enough of you Aria,” she finished, hearing the other asari following her into the office. Aria went deadly quiet and slowly closed the distance; one slow footfall at a time, the swagger in her hips was terrifying. In the silence they heard Thea putting on a vid for Liselle, a lively and loud children’s song drifting up the stairs. Liara wasn’t intimidated and held her ground, watching Aria come closer and closer. “Do not talk about Jane Shepard to me. You who always gets the best of her; you don’t have to deal with-“ Aria interrupted her,

“Excuse me?” Quiet as a whisper, annunciated and lethal. She was still as the grave; not even a finger twitched. “I’ve been with a heartbroken and wretched Jane Shepard for over six months-“

“Yes, and she deserves it. _You_ deserve it,” she pointed a finger in Aria’s face, “and what? Sex, booze, laughter-“

“No. You, T’Soni. Every second is _you_ , as far as she’s concerned.” Aria stayed still, mouth drawn into a sneer; “I’ve been in that head lately, have you?” Liara shook her head, dismissing her, but stammered a garbled reply. “I thought not.” Aria took another step, into Liara’s chest, breasts pressed against breasts, until Liara began to retreat; walked backward one step more with every word. “Do you know what you did to her, Liara? I do. She’s nothing anymore; I’m all that’s holding her together and we both know how dangerous that prospect is.” Liara’s back hit the window and she pressed the backs of her arms against it, blue eyes meeting violet ones; neither giving an inch. “You want a glimpse? Come on, you coward; meld with me and see. See what you should be owning up to.” Liara refused to reply, just held her gaze; held her biotics too. “Do it!” She saw a flicker of something in Aria’s eyes, something like sorrow buried under the fury and defiance. “You’re so collected and in the right? Prove it. Face down what you did to her when you threw her aside. ‘Oh dear, oh poor me, I have my girlfriend back but I _feel_ too much’ I forget how young you are.”

Liara shoved Aria back, catching her off-guard and giving herself a second to reverse the positions, shoving into Aria,

“Shut up! You know nothing about me. I waited for her! I waited two years and you steal her away the minute-“ finger on sternum now, a ripple of blue electricity over skin,

“You think I didn’t? You think losing her didn’t affect me?” Aria planted her feet and refused to let Liara back her anywhere, “You think it didn’t almost kill me, T’Soni? That every single… I loved her,” her throat felt like sandpaper, watched an impossibly clear drop of spit land on Liara’s arm. “I gave that up for you – for you and her; I saw how much she loved _you_ -“

“Oh, please,” a blue hand went to a flushed forehead, massaged eyes that closed for a second, “Aria, you-“

“She was mine,” Aria snarled, all teeth and dark eyes, “I saw how much she loved you, but she was _mine. Mine._ I do not share, as a rule. I gave you her and you threw her away!”  
“She was never yours! She’s mine-“ Liara realized what she was saying, admitting, and stopped.

“No, please. Continue,” Aria’s words dripped with venom; hands on hips.

“She _chose you_. She always chooses you! How can I-“ Liara stumbled over her words, anger and self doubt burrowing into her skull, “what can I do-how can I compete-“ she let out a frustrated grunt and turned her back to Aria, “she loves you. I know she loves you; always. I’ve heard her- I’ve seen it when we, sometimes-”

“She loves you more,” Aria slouched on the couch, let Liara face the window alone, and tried to be nonchalant. Like it was no big deal. Like Jane Shepard didn’t have both their hearts in vices. “She loves me,” she pursed purple lips, searching, “ _differently_. Shepard can go on without me; we’re drawn together, yes, but… she’s lost without you. She uses me to heal herself, but she’ll never be whole again without you, Blue.” Liara scoffed, her shoulders raising and falling as Aria watched her over her shoulder. Aria picked her teeth with her tongue, milling over the strange bedfellow she had made in Liara T’Soni. “You want to see it all? Meld with me.” Liara shook her head,

“No. I will not subject myself to that… I- she made her decision.”

“Sure, Blue. Fine. Just know, you drove her away. That’s what it comes down to; you abandoned her. Yeah, so she fucked the pain away with me, but…” Liara stiffened and Aria knew she still didn’t see it. _Oh, to be a Maiden again…_ She opened her Omni-tool as Liara wiped tears away; Aria pretended not to see.

As guitar chords began she folded her nails into her palm, surveyed them for dirt and chips; pretended not to care.

“Aria, I do not need to hear another one of-“

“Listen to it. Listen to _her_ ,” was all she said as she continued to pick at her nails. _Listen to it and appreciate it...._

  

_‘Twenty thousand seconds since you've left and I'm still counting’_

 

Liara closed her eyes against that voice; so throaty and raw, full and deep. All Jane.

 

_‘And twenty thousand reasons to get up_

_Get something done, but I'm still waiting_

_For someone kind enough to pick me up and give me food_

_Assure me that the world is good_

_But you should be here, you should be here.’_

_‘How colors can change and even the texture of the rain!_

_And what's that ugly little stain on the bathroom floor?_

_I'd rather not deal with that right now,_

_I'd rather be floating in space somewhere or_

_Worry about the ozone layer’_

 

She narrowed her eyes; the almost goofiness of the song – of the chords and the lightness of Shepard’s voice – at odds with the lyrics. _Does she really want to be…? Would rather-If I am not… No._ Realized Aria had been right. Realized how hard it must have been for Jane to seek her out; to come to her home, flowers and apology in hand.

 

_‘And it's almost like a corny movie scene_

_But I'm out of frame and the lighting's bad_

_And the music has no theme’_

_‘And we're all so strong when nothing's wrong_

_And the world is at our feet_

_But how small we are when our love is far away_

_And all you need is you’_

 

“She has to know-“ Liara began; Aria clicked her tongue,

“She knows nothing, Liara. She’s kind of dumb,” Aria saw Liara’s back shake with laughter, “hey, you know it. I know it,” she actually smiled, “look at us, bonding.” Liara let out a single laugh and turned back to her just as Thea peeked into the room,

“Everything…?”

“Never better,” Aria said as Liara nodded, sitting on the couch next to her. Still kind of hated her; also loved her deeply. Joined now, forever. All of them.

“I still cannot… Aria, please understand,” Aria bit her nail and raised one brow, looking at Liara out of the corner of her eye: _whatever, Blue._ Thea kissed her temple and Liara looked away. “We should go over the data I am providing to Tela, Thea,” she said, rising and heading out of the room. Tevos motioned that she would be there,

“Aria-“ she chastised, taking Liara’s place, knees demurely together in her dress,

“Ah, Thea, don’t worry, Blue can handle me,” she slapped her bondmate’s thigh, “go, before she gets herself all in a tizzy. For someone with a new girlfriend she’s very uptight. Either isn’t getting any, or it’s not very good.”

“Aria!” Tevos laughed and rose, “go watch cartoons with your daughter.”

“Thea, be careful. I don’t trust Spectres.”

 

Tela Vasir was beautiful. It was Liara’s first impression of the asari. Dressed in her Spectre blues, and even in this nondescript office, she gave off a threatening and tense air in waves. But she was beautiful; all lush markings and curves, strapped with at least seven weapons; those pouty lips that seeped with smirks and barking commands. Thea was the first to sit, across from Vasir, while Liara shuffled datapads around and watched her suspiciously, “Tela, thank you for having us, I understand your time is valuable.”

“Yes it is, Dr. Tevos,” the corners of Thea’s mouth twitched in barely disguised approval, “So, business then? Jarl Bar’klen is dead. I read the reports off Omega – wondered where my payment was… He was investigating something in Batarian space?” Liara sniffed and Tela turned to her, “Dr. T’Soni?”

“Well,” Liara didn’t blush, placed the datapads on the desk in front of Thea; out of Vasir’s reach. “You know very well that he was investigating. You just want to see how much we are willing to give away.” Tela laughed, slapping her hand on the desk as she rose from her chair.

“You’re good, Liara. Yes, okay: the space station. It belongs to Cerberus and Bar’klen hired me to find out what they do there; why Irissa Tevos,” she eyed Thea, “is making regular trips. Now, I happen to know one Irissa Tevos has ties to this Cerberus. Ties that run deeper than an honest citizen’s politician should, but…” Thea nodded; understood.

“You’re not willing to part with that information for free.” Vasir pointed at her with an armored hand,

“You got it. Ten points to the lady in the pretty dress.” Liara finally sat, pulling up lines of data on her pad.

“We’re willing to pay for information that proves Irissa Tevos is a dirty councillor,” she said, clicking away, “if Cerberus turns out to be a secretive, but honest, venture you will not see a single credit.” Vasir smiled; she looked like shark.

“Irissa Tevos is dirty. I can prove it, but I need you to prove you’re not in bed with her; would be very bad for business if the Asari Councillor smelled subterfuge.” She held her hand out for the data, “Would be very bad for _me_ ,” she amended. “Wouldn’t want to end up dead, like poor Jarl.”

“You think Irissa had him killed?” Tevos leaned ahead in her chair,

“I know she did. We just have to prove it.”

“How do you-“

“Ah, ah, ah - not so fast Doctor; no information until _we’re_ in bed together,” she winked and Liara withered. She glanced at her datapad and to Tevos, who nodded once. She handed it over.

“We know she travels to that space station frequently, and always under cover. We know Jarl Bar’klen suspected her, and we know he hired you to investigate. Now he’s dead. We know Irissa has almost majority shares in Cerberus, and we know she does not want this information public. What we need to know is _why_ , and if she did indeed have him killed over it.” Tevos studied her notes for anything missed, but seemed pleased. Liara went pale; Thea had spilled every bit of information they had on Irissa and Cerberus, Jarl Bar’klen. _At least I kept my hard copies of it all…_ she had only handed over the email exchanges between herself and Bar’klen, and the very tip of the iceberg when it came to research Thea and herself had gathered. Any information Glyph or Aria’s people had found was safely at home on her console. Tela was scrolling through the datapad,

“I’ll be in touch when I have more information for you. If I can’t find clear ties to Cerberus that would hold up under scrutiny then I’ll play the murder angle; either way, you’ll get her.”

“Thank you Tela,”

“Don’t thank me yet. Thank me when you’re the new Asari Councillor.”

 

…

 

“I don’t trust her, Thea,” Liara was sipping wine and popping small pieces of flatbread into her mouth. Thea was enjoying the same, but had her Omni-tool open, making notes from their meeting. “There is something sinister about her.”

“Liara, as much as I appreciate the good-cop-bad-cop routine I think we need to reach out. We cannot do this alone.” Liara sighed, scratched her forehead and ran her hand along the table. She nodded with a shrug,

“I just had to say it aloud,” she sipped her wine again and looked over Tevos’ shoulder at the group of people walking in. Was surprised to see Riliah laughing and shedding her coat, letting the maître d’ take it. She raised her hand but hastily dropped it when Riliah didn’t notice.

“She flew all the way from the Citadel to see us, Liara – Liara?” Thea looked up from her Omni-tool and noticed her friend’s gaze.

“Oh, sorry. I just saw- uh, Riliah’s here,” Thea smiled, tipping her glass to her after taking a drink,

“Go, see her. I’ll be here getting fat on your portion of dinner,” Liara finished her wine and stood, patting Thea’s shoulder on her way.

Liara stepped nimbly around diners and headed to the bar, where the human bartender nodded at her. “Noverian Rum, please;” Riliah’s favourite. She drummed her fingers on the bar and waited, putting the drink on her bill when it came and examined the floor, suddenly very interested in the place where the stools had worn the carpet bare, and blushing. She took a breath and approached the table of chatting and laughing asari and turians, and placed the glass of rum in front of her girlfriend from over her shoulder. Riliah froze and spun, wide eyed for a moment before smiling, softly.

“Liara, uh, hi. I didn’t know you were here. You-uh, these are my coworkers.” Liara bent to kiss her cheek but Riliah had already turned to the table, “Liara - Everyone. Everyone - Liara. A dear friend.”

 _Friend?_ She frowned slightly; could feel her forehead crease.

‘Everyone’ looked up from their menus and drinks and smiled, greeted her warmly and waved; one tipped his drink, his mandibles spreading. _Must be Artilicus,_ she had heard a lot about the old turian, the founder of Riliah’s firm. “We just won a big corporate case out from under our competitors,” Riliah squeezed her hand under the table but didn’t offer the seat next to her. Liara wet her lips, suddenly very much remembering who she was; palms began to sweat, her throat felt thick and dry at once. Opened her mouth to say hello and stuttered. Was back in the high school lunchroom, all eyes on the weird T’Soni kid with her weird father and weird books and weird facts. _The purebl_ -

“Uh, hello,” meekly, like a child. Went purple and squeezed Riliah’s hand back before dropping it.

“So, we’re celebrating,” Riliah finished, smirking a little at the pretty asari at the end of the table, who raised her own glass to the pair. “I’ll, uh, see you later?” She gulped, knew a brushoff when she felt one.

“Yes. Okay.” She left, feeling small. Stupid: not a feeling she was used to experiencing. Her Omni-tool pinged as she sat across from Thea, who had indeed eaten the rest of the flatbread, “Pregnant again, Tevos?” she laughed, checking her message,

“Oh, Goddess, do not even say it,” Thea leaned back and placed her hands over her stomach. “Do not even joke.” Liara was lost in the message, _I’ll come by later. Continue our celebration?_

She tapped a reply out and sent it: **_Of course._** So many more things she wanted to say, wanted to ask. Didn’t. Didn’t talk to Thea about it either, just smiled and dropped her off at home once the wine was drunk and the dessert was gone.

 

“I can’t, Liara.” Riliah stood in her doorway, slightly tipsy, smelling of steak and wine and rum. Liara dropped her head, had known this was coming even in the face of the flirty message. She held her arm out, and invite for her to come in. Riliah sighed and stepped over the threshold. Didn’t go further than the hallway.

“Is it… because we’re both asari-” that word at the front of her mind. That awful word, used so often against her as a child. Had almost forgotten it existed, with Thea and Aria in her life – _oh, Liselle-I have to-she’ll never!_ \- with Jane who had never-had been shocked to find out _it_ was a thing to be ashamed – so ashamed – Riliah smiled, the corners of her eyes soft, breaking Liara’s darting panic.

“No. No, Liara, it is because of you,” Liara’s heart sank as she clutched her hands together, practically wrung them. “You’re not ready for this: you’re not over her. So, yes, maybe it is because we’re both asari: you can’t hide that from me.” Liara nodded, understood. “Honestly, I like you, Goddess, a lot. I just can’t play- what is it? Second fiddle? To a woman I’ve never met; a woman who is still so intertwined in who you are – what you feel, how you go about your life. Who you are still in love with.” Liara opened her mouth to argue, but Riliah shook her head, “It’s true; you know it. I can’t be your bed warmer with the way I… It wouldn’t be fair. Maybe if I wasn’t looking for something more… you’re wonderful.” She sighed again and sat on the bench Liara kept her shoes in.

“I’m sorry, Ree,” Riliah shook her head,

“Oh, beautiful girl, do not be sorry. I am, though. I’m sorry I’m not strong enough to muddle through this with you…” Liara smiled, “I’m sorry I didn’t meet you before her; or in about a year or so,” she laughed. “I wish I could make you better, Li.”

“You were never a bed warmer, Riliah.” Liara’s eyes shone with tears, but for whom she wasn’t sure. “ _I’m_ sorry I couldn’t give you-“ Riliah stood, kissed her softly and tipped her forehead into Liara’s,

“I’m going to go. It’s been great, Liara. Really.” Liara watched the door hiss close on the woman she cared about. Again.

_No more, T’Soni. No more…_

 

 

Shepard was back at Vila Militar; _home sweet home_ , she thought, legs dangling over the side of the hospital cot. Branson stuck his head inside the medic tent – _another fucking tent, my whole life in a series of Goddamn tents_ – and grinned that weasel grin of his, “It’s not for everybody, recruit, not for everybody…” She groaned, looked to her left, her right; one of four recruits – _fucking ‘recruit’ again, goody –_ getting patched up after a long, hard week. Her shirt was stained a watery pink from the blood that had seeped in through her ruined fatigue jacket; a river of iron crust, dried up and flaking, from her nose, down her neck, across her breasts. _And I wonder why Liara didn’t want this?_ She thought, actually laughing: laying back on the cot and howling, picturing herself. Alenko moaned and looked over at her, all brown-eyed and sad. “Buck the fuck up, Alenko,” she swore, gave him the ‘A-Okay’ and went on laughing, tears cutting through the ruddy grime of her face. She looked down at her leg, stripped down to military-issued underwear, where a modest nuisance had transformed into a vicious wound; had festered. The 4-millimeter deep blister had gone dead-fish white around the edges and an angry red-turned-black inside; she clamped her eyes shut as the medic – a wonderfully sweet smelling and rather badass British doctor; nametag of Chakwas – applied alcohol. Bit her tongue near off to keep from crying out at the nettle-stinging pain. Then came the cold relief of medi-gel and she actually moaned, it felt that good. “Doc, I could kiss you,” a laugh there, all tittering and chaste. She applied medi-gel to her nose as well, cracking it back into place first.

“At least ask my name first, Lieutenant.”

“You’re not supposed to use-“ She waved her away, winking.

Toombs was next to her, with a blood blister on his finger – _who fucking knew how he got a fucking blood blister_ – the whole length gone a jaundiced yellow with a vibrant red tip; _looks like a diseased dick_ , she thought. That wonderful gray-haired angel stuck a rather too large needle into it and blood came squirting out in a torrent. Too much blood; it splashed Jane’s boots, leg, her cheek. She gagged: it stank. They all stank. Smelled like dumpsters; like vomit and sweat and dirt and shit. She saw Harris, unconscious but alive, at the end of the tent; _Oh thank God he’s still here._

Kaidan groaned again, flat out, another medic rotating his ankle as it crunched. They had had a brutal week.

_“We are the Navy,” a DI had yelled at them. They were standing on a windswept beach, tall and biting grasses cutting through the silky sand; so unlike the touristy beaches they had flown over back at N1. “And while that may mean the stars, our roots are in the water.” They gathered their gear – over 90 pounds of it, including a 50-pound sandbag, their rifle, pack, and full armor – and hiked down the beach for what seemed like an eternity, the water lapping their feet, the air rubbing abrasive sand in their faces. “Recruits, they can’t shoot what they can’t see: drop. Roll.” They did, covering themselves with the stuff before crawling to formation where they awaited their orders. “First of all, watch for sharks,” Jane gulped; saw Harris do the same. “You’re going to wade into that surf zone, through it, and swim to those markers. It’s 500 yards; come ashore, run 500 more to there-“ he pointed to a marker Shepard could barely see. “Do that five times in under ninety minutes, or you’re out. We don’t have many pass-fails in N5, but this is one of ‘em – weed out the weak. We do not wait on the weak. Do not help your buddy; you will fail if he fails. Just keep going. The time to come together will come. Today is not that day. Go.”_

_They all struggled to their feet, dropping clumps of sand like stray shits, and dashed for the pounding waves. Shepard kept her head down and her rifle high; didn’t need for the salt water to corrode the parts. Knew it was going to be soaked soon anyway; didn’t care;_ it’s the principle, _she thought before a stray wave slammed her under the water, sending her reeling. When she finally figured out which way was up, she coughed out a litre of ocean water and began her swim, each stroke feeling like ten in the pool; equipment and salt and waves weighing her down. Made the marker. Felt like just swimming home. All the way to Thessia. Didn’t have time to think about Liara or Aria or anything but breathing and living and not being pounded to shit by the waves. Or eaten by a shark. Came ashore and felt her legs wobble, the weight totally different now that she was out of the water; ran along the sand with too-long strides, the slippery surface giving the illusion of support._

_Did that four more times. Passed Toombs on the third: “Aye, she’s a harsh mistress, yarrr,” as he went by; made her smile – couldn’t afford the breath for a real laugh. Made her think of sharks again. Finally finished – waterlogged and ocean-wrinkled, trembling and sand-sore - with almost fifteen minutes to spare. Surprised even herself._

_Six of them did not._

_The rest of them marched the two miles back to base._

_Sometime after – Shepard had lost count of the days of the week already – they were back on obstacles._

_The three of them – Ashley, Alenko, herself – ran at the wall, edges painted red in a no-go zone warning. Ashley abruptly kneeled, Shepard taking a springboard leap off her back – leaving a black boot print as clear as if it had been painted on – and vaulted up, flipping around and over, reaching her arm down to Kaidan who came next. Shepard pulled him up and they both reached down and hoisted Williams up and over. Hurdled off the other side. Felt her pants dragged along a forming blister: every step – every movement hell; wished it would just burst and give her sweet relief. Her boot caught on the wooden barrier, twisting her around sharply, and she fell the last ten feet, arms flailing before she remembered to tuck them; didn’t want a broken wrist – the surest way to get a one-way ticket home. She slammed into the ground; nose first; felt it snap with a sickening crunch that was audible to all. Saw Ashley wince at the noise. The DI surveying their course watched her pull herself to her feet, blood pooling on her chest. “Do you need to see a medic, recruit?”_

_“Negative, sir,” she replied, breathless, as she ran past; blood dripping out of her nose, splattering her boots, smearing the front of her shirt, as she slogged along. Remembered what Branson had screamed at them – his own way of nurturing, she supposed – day one: “The heart, the gut, the mind to be N7! Reach down deep; show us how tough you are. We’re not going to do it for you.” As a trio they approached the next obstacle, a sand pit with culverts and pipes; she groaned._ Not this shit again; I’m not a toddler, I can fucking crawl, _she thought, dropping to her gut and snaking her way along the sand, bits of branches and sand fleas jumping around her. “NO legs, recruit; crawl with no legs.”_

_“How ya doing, LT?” Ashley asked, spitting out sand,_

_“Honky dory, Williams,” she yelled, feeling sand in her crack._

_“I mean, with Liara, and-“_

_“Really, now? Can we talk about this later? Jesus,” Ashley grinned and pulled ahead; Shepard laughed too, “I’m fine, Williams! Really!”_

_“Shut up and crawl,” a bellow from the DI broke their playful mood, “Why don’t you just lay down and have a nap? You’re not moving, so may as well. Your elbows are useless, recruits. Crawl without them” Shepard bit her tongue and kept going. Then crawled with her head in the dirt. Then died a little inside._

_They made it to the log course after completing the other obstacles. Shepard rounded the corner, thankful it wasn’t a fully loaded day, and peered quizzically at the scene in front of her: more sand. A whole pit of it, with twelve foot logs in the middle, spaced about six feet apart._

_“Men – you’re included in that –“ Branson added, nodding to Ashley and Jane, “lift ‘em.” They all stood in formation and watched as the first team of DIs demonstrated how to lift the 1000 pound tree –_ let’s be real: a log is what you build a campfire with, _she thought,_ this is a fucking tree. _Grouped off, they raised the log over their heads and held it until they were told otherwise. Then they lifted it over their heads and bent at the waist, “1-2-3-huh,” all in unison; all red faces and knocked knees in unison too. Torn triceps and boots sinking into the sand, slipping and sliding when one of them lost their grip. Shepard was glad she was at least average height; could pull her weight, could not let these men – and Ashley – down. Harris was the first to fall, which in turn left his team in a lurch; the extra weight enough to send shins into splints and make heel bones crack. “We_ just _started, recruit, you cannot tell me you’re weakening. Pick Up The Log!” A DI sprayed his face with spittle, leaning over him in the sand. “No? Alright, Harris here has earned you all scissors: Go.” They all silently groaned – Jane could see it on every face – and lay down on the ground, scissor kicking off the log. When legs drooped and backs began to burn they rolled, back and forth in the sand, over and over and over until they didn’t know which way was up, or left or right, or who was who anymore. Shepard saw recruits rolling right over downed comrades, over piles of vomit; rolled over a few of both herself._

_“Did you vomit on my course?” A fresh-faced Marine she hadn’t met was staring, glassy eyed at the dirt – at the pile of his own puke – nodding and hurling. “Do not leave a trail for the enemy to spot; pick it up.” Anyone whose breakfast made an appearance had to carry it around in their pocket for the rest of the day. Shepard had never seen anything as humiliating as a grown man picking up handfuls of his own refuse. Vowed she wasn’t going to puke: would swallow it first. They got to their feet and passed the logs from one shoulder to the other, over their heads._

_“If you can’t do this, ladies, we have something you can do; cook dinner, wash our socks…”_

_On hour four Harris had completely lost it; dazed and shaking – with every pocket full of vomit – he stumbled and fell again. Two DIs tag-teamed him, screaming in his face and coaxing him to his feet. He promptly stumbled again and face planted; didn’t move. They dragged him up by his armpits and slapped him back to life, “Recruit! Recruit, where are you?”_

_“Uh-“ Harris’ eyes shook, trying to lock onto something, “no. Yes? Uh.”_

_“Didn’t answer my question, recruit.” They waved the field medic over, who took one look at Harris and shuttled him onto a truck and back to base. Shepard couldn’t believe he was gone. Hoped she would see him at mess; that they wouldn't send him home after all this time._

_They did this for six hours._

_Then ran a mile back to the bunkers, where they did calisthenics with their rifles until dinner. Except the four of them got pulled out of line and told to report to the medic tent. “Fucking cocksuck-“_

 

They finally got the all-clear to get chow and Shepard rose, so glad her blister-turned-monster was gone - began thinking of something more heroic to tell the others she was laid out by – when their saintly doctor spoke.

“Karin; my name is Karin, and I like Serrice Ice Brandy,” _Don’t we all, Doc; don’t we all? That stuff has gotten me in too much trouble, Karin._ She smiled and waved from her half-prone position, nodding.

“You got it, Doc.” _Maybe Santa will bring us a bottle to share?_

Couldn’t believe she was going to spend Christmas in the jungle. Alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Absolutely did NOT write the lyrics (in italics in the chapter) the copyright for this great tune is as follows: 
> 
> Songwriters  
> Gert Bettens, Sarah Bettens  
> Published by  
> SONY/ATV HARMONY


	18. Interlude

Shepard was dreaming.

_“Wow,”_

_“Yes; wow.”_

_“I mean: wow.” Shepard fell back, her head slumping down somewhere next to Liara’s stomach, one deliciously curved hipbone making it impossible to see the other side of the bed; making it impossible to focus on anything else. She ran a finger along it, along slick skin, while her heart fought to return to anything but kick-drum fluttering. “Wow.” She could see blue breasts heaving out of the corner of her eye and titled her head back, desperate to see that afterglow look of pure exhaustion on Liara’s face; sedated grin, flushed cheeks. Liara laughed, goofy smile melting into closed eyes and trembling muscles._

_“Do you know any other words, Jane? Or has my translator malfunctioned?” Shepard pinched her hip and she giggled, squirming away and groaning at the effort._

_“You’ve rendered me speechless, and boneless, Dr. T’Soni,”_

_“Not a doctor yet, Shepard,” she replied, sitting up and swinging her legs elegantly over the side of the bed, giving Shepard a glorious view of full hips and soft thighs; thighs that so recently had been wrapped around her. She had the urge to bite one;_ leave my mark.

_“Doctor of love,” she sang, shooting out her arms and dragging Liara back down and into her; she squealed as Shepard tickled and nibbled on every inch of bare skin she could find. Tasted salt and sex and the sweetness of Liara. Ran her tongue along the silky glass skin where the soft swell of her stomach met her azure._

_“God, I love you,” she said as they settled down, tickling proving to expend too much energy after what they had just done; had a visage of Liara, back arched, screaming her name. Got goosebumps. Liara titled her head, looking at her with a naked smile to match her naked body, all adoration and soft eyes._ Now! Do it now, _she cheered in her head,_ come on, it’s perfect; she’s perfect. Ok, so we won’t have the greatest engagement story: ‘Oh kids, you know, I’d just finished plowing your mother, and I thought, “Hey, why not make her my wife?” She gives fantastic head, rides me like an animal; she’s a screamer, so…’ ugh, God no. _“Liara-I-“_ God, don’t be such a pussy; ask her! _Jane went red, suddenly didn’t know what to do with her hands._ I can’t ask her without a ring, or one of those bracelets, oh God, why didn’t I think this through? _Liara narrowed her eyes, saw the panic and fidgeting; she closed the gap between them, kissing her; the hearth fire in Jane’s heart slowly warming limbs, nerves, her soul._ Overheating my brain, most likely. Idiot. _“I-uh-you’re amazing. You’re everything I could have ever-God, I just love you so much.” Liara laughed against her neck, had buried her face into the cool comfort of Jane’s hairline, “Marry me.” Liara laughed again, purring into her skin as Jane ran her hands along her shoulder blades; muffled, from her ear:_

_“Very funny, Jane.”_

_“Uh-“ Forced herself to laugh, brushing it off; stilted and too loud, clutching her closer so she didn’t pull away and see the gut-wrenching dread and alarm on her face. “Yah, ha ha, like we’d get married after a few months, right?” Groaned and looked up at the ceiling, mouthing ‘idiot’ to herself._ Should have bought a ring…

She awoke with a start, banging her head off the low-hanging bunk; “Motherfuc-“ She had been dreaming about Liara, _who else?_ She thought, lying back down and sighing; they were due to begin their penultimate maneuver in a little under two hours and she needed the rest.  
“Shut up, Shepard,” Ashley mumbled from above her. The bed creaked its annoyance; her annoyance. _I should have asked her…_

 

Liara was dreaming.

Hunched over the desk she moaned, eyes fluttering and fingers twitching where they sprawled – one in her lap, one on the dark wood. Mumbled and let a small and sleep-damped cry; if she had been awake she would have been dreadfully embarrassed.

Liara awoke with a start, her neck tight – the tendons and ligaments creaking their annoyance. _Shepard,_ she thought, rising from her chair, _was she-?_ She grinned, slowly, the smile taking a stroll along her features: _that time – that incredible time – oh by the Goddess, I had forgotten about…_ she felt a warm shiver completely irrationally crawl up her spine, along her thighs. ‘ _Wow’ was right, Jane._ Liara grabbed her bag and began to pack her datapads and books, papers to be marked, a compilation of research for her latest paper, and the chip with Irissa Tevos’ dirty laundry on it. She barely registered any of, was lost in a sea of sweaty memories, all clutching parts and heady moans. As she locked up her office and made the elevator, the click of her heels the only sound in the now-quiet school, she twirled her necklace in between her fingers; had put it back on after months, an impulse that she was now regretting. _Oh, Jane, the things you did to me…_ “Do to me still, apparently _,_ ” she grumbled aloud, feeling the wetness of her underwear, cold and sticky. Still, a little naughty; indulgent. She went lavender and was exceptionally glad she was alone in the hallway; was sure the world would see the evidence of her desire on bare thighs. Rationally, she knew that wasn’t possible; still, cursed not wearing pants. Cursed this building with it’s memories, _and janitor closets…_ Cursed Shepard; she shifted uncomfortably. As the elevator dinged and the doors slid shut on her pale and sleep-creased face Liara’s smile fled; _she was serious. When she asked me- Oh Goddess, she was dead serious._

Hoped she was done dreaming for the night. _I should have said yes…_ She thought. She closed her eyes and swore she smelled cigarette smoke; _and cedar._ Whispered,

“I would have said yes.”


	19. Chapter 19

TO: 2nd Lt. J. SHEPARD

FROM: A. T’LOAK

SUBJECT: MISSION DEBRIEF

 

Look what I found…

 

Jane sat at breakfast, her pack next to her on the floor, and checked her Omni-tool. She had exactly 27 minutes to eat and digest before the Crucible began, but she figured she could spare two of those for Aria.

There was a vid attached and Jane opened it while spooning oatmeal into her mouth; almost choked and hastily muted it when the sharp noises of asari pleasure came flooding out. _Jesus, Aria_. She went scarlet and looked around, suddenly very glad she had been the first to sit; had grabbed oatmeal instead of the full breakfast. Saw Toombs elbow a still heavy-eyed Harris; saw Alenko frowning.

Aria was lying on the Omega bed they so frequently used, clad only in a pair of Shepard’s boxer-like briefs – black and red of course – her hand working diligently under the fabric, her shoulder blades lifting off the mattress, thighs flexing. Jane gulped and closed it; saved it for later… Aria did look amazing in her underwear – gave the boyish garment a deliciously gender bent feel, androgynous and sexy – unlike Jane; _more nerdy kid brother than anything,_ she thought, remembering how they rode up her butt and sagged in the front; groaning. _No gender issues at all, though…_ Ashley sat next to her and gave her a sidelong look, trying to keep the cheek in. Shepard rolled her eyes and shrugged: “Aria,” she explained. Ashley snorted and bit the end off a sausage: very apropos.

There was a postscript as well, and Jane read it:

 

Under the bed when tidying: mine now.

 

She could just hear Aria say it; felt a tight tingling between her legs. Focused on her runny oatmeal and the rest of the message.

 

Also, the new one broke Blue’s heart.

Just so you know.

 

Shepard screwed up her face, sideways, unsure what to do with that information. Her dream came flooding back and she pushed her half-eaten breakfast away, resigning herself to hunger. She saw Williams look from her to the dish with a matronly frown; “I’ll eat my box chow later, Williams.”

Toombs slid into the seat across from her, beaming. “Sounds like someone loves your box chow,” he winked at Harris and Jane kicked him under the table; missed and hit Harris.

“Ow!”

Quickly typed out a reply, wracking her brain for a clever retort:

 

TO: A. T’LOAK

FROM: 2nd Lt. J. SHEPARD

SUBJECT: CHECK YOUR SIX, I’M COMING IN

 

I didn’t know you cleaned, T’Loak.

Next time I’m on Omega remind me to get you to swab my deck.

~~Try not to ruin them.~~

_I kind of want her to ruin them…_

She groaned at her terrible Navy puns; wasn’t sure Aria would even get them. Sent it anyway, without including anything about Liara; her heart did pull a double thump, though.

Still, couldn’t wait to watch the whole vid in blissful aloneness.

 

 

“Dr. T’Soni, ma’am, you’ve got a package. I have the slip,”

“Hmm?” Liara looked up from her grading, the winter light harsh and white on the office floor and walls – she had to blink a few times to see the mail clerk clearly in the doorway; he was a smudge of orange for a moment. “Thank you Toral,” the salarian nodded,

“I can grab it for you, if you’d like. You look busy, Professor.”

“No, no. Just leave it in the mailroom and I’ll pick it up, thank you.” He slipped quietly away, the wheels on his cart squeaking as he went, getting softer and less jarring as he went further down the hall. She went back to the vid she had paused: a young maiden kneeling in the dirt, carrying out an artifact extraction with less than ideal diligence. The simulated dig had lasted twelve days and Glyph had recorded each and every student; had let her focus on supporting the students day-of, but now she was tasked with wading through hours of brush strokes and pick axes. This particular asari was clumsy with her relics, but fastidious with her cataloging, Liara knew; not the best combo, but understandable - and close to her heart. She paused the vid again, jotting down notes on a notebook; would probably recommend her to the committee if she decided to pursue xenoarcheology as a graduate degree.

Liara sighed, remembered when she was an undergraduate and grades and deadlines and the excitement of new classes and new friends were the only things on her mind. _Everything’s gotten so complicated,_ she thought, _by the Goddess, I’m still a Maiden; life was not supposed to be so… problematical._ Now it was all Irissa and Riliah and Shepard and Aria and infidelity and heartbreak and _feelings._ For the first time in her life she wished she were more like her mother. She stood, spurred into action by that terrible thought, and scooped up the package slip, taking the backstairs down to the mailroom. The lights flickered on automatically as she entered the tiny, dusty room, all metal boxes and administrative machinery. She bent down and rummaged through the faculty parcel bin, digging out a small box with her name on and shredding her slip. Liara placed the box on the paper cutter board, and carefully ran the chained letter opener along the seam. There was no return address or sender information, but there often wasn’t when an academic institution sent something her way: a small piece of space rock; an undocumented find, often stolen and recovered, those responsible not wanting too many questions asked; a paperweight or new letter opener with some asari text stamped in by way of promotion. The lid flapped open and the cloying saccharine smell of putrefaction hit her in a wave and she gagged, staggered back with one hand on her chest, the other over her mouth and nose. “Goddess,” she raised her blouse over her nose and peered into box, a sticky red-brown liquid coating the flimsy tissue paper covering whatever was in there. She had a good idea what it was; had encountered plenty of decaying body parts on digs when the climate was sultry and wet instead of arid and perfect for mummification. Always the pragmatist, she snapped a quick holo with her Omni-tool before peeling back the paper with the edge of the letter opener, wishing her had brought a pair of spare archiving gloves; there was a clotted and putrid mess staring back at her. Literally. Two batarian eyes, clouded white and black with blood, the stems hanging off the back jagged and brittle-hard with age, lay at the bottom of the box and Liara blew out a slow breath, trying to keep her lunch down. She snapped another holo and looked away, putting her head between her knees for a moment to calm her unsteady stomach, before dialing Thea. Had a good idea who the other set of eyes were destined for.

 

“So, hearsay and speculation; rumors is what you have-“

“No, hard facts;” _and you’re digging to see what else we have…_

“I would just hate to see you pay for information you already have squirreled away, Tevos.” She pinched the bridge of her nose, felt a headache building. Her Omni-tool buzzed, Liara’s holo popping up on her second line. The door buzzed and she jumped.

“Tela - Ms. Vasir, there is someone at my door, I have to let you go. Please, get back to us with any information and we will discuss payment.”

“Sure, sure.” The Spectre disconnected and Thea shook her head, went down the hallway before the door could ring again and wake Liselle. She hit an auto-reply to Liara, wishing Aria was home; _she could put that cocky, Council-spoiled bitch in her place. When I’m Councillor there will be changes._ She opened the door and found no one; there was a package on the steps but no one in sight; alarm bells rang in her head - a product of being married to a criminal: suspicious on principle.

She toed the package and looked around, expecting an explosion, a rattle, the scurrying of something alive. There was nothing: just a box, wrapped in brown paper, roughly the size of a large envelope.

 

“We have to call the authorities,” Liara had arrived ten minutes too late to warn Thea, their identical, macabre packages sitting on the kitchen island, each of them casting sneaking looks at them every now and then, Liara imagining the eyes scratching their way out of the brown paper, crawling toward them on shriveled stalks.

“No. We keep this between us. Aria will know, and she’ll handle any fallout. We’re spooking someone, obviously. Getting close. If we involve the authorities now they may scurry back to whatever hole they came from.”

“And by they you mean…” Liara shuddered and turned back to Tevos, unable to shake the feeling of being watched. _Appropriate._

“Irissa, or someone affiliated with her, obviously. But what are the cops going to say when we accuse the Asari Councillor of sending us dead batarian parts?” _This is all so absurd,_ she thought, almost laughing despite the horrific package.

“I guess you’re right…”

They were quiet for a time, waiting for Aria. Waiting for anything. _She warned you,_ Thea thought, sighing as she sat next to Liara. _You’re in for a big ‘I told you so.’_

Liara broke the silence, looking at the twin packages again. “Should we ask Bray what to do with these? I-“ She grimaced and felt her stomach pirouette again; didn’t feel right having them there – couldn’t throw them away.

Aria came through the door like a hurricane, all creaking leather and heels, air breezing behind her; Bray hurried in on her coat tails, out of breath and pale. She tossed her jacket on the couch, onto Liara’s lap, and stalked around the room, back and forth, talking all the while:

“You fucking kidding me? Someone had the audacity to send body parts to my wife? I’ll fucking flay them alive; I’ll tear _their_ fucking eyes out. My fucking kid was here-“

“Aria-“ Thea stood, wanting Aria to wrap her in those lean arms; wanted to forget what she had seen.

“MY fucking kid. If this isn’t a threat I don’t know what is – did they forget whom their dealing with? I’m Aria fucking T’Loak; I remove goddamn eyes for breakfast. I shot people for looking at me funny, for breathing, for buying the wrong drink, for existing.” Her eyes were going black, smoky edges swallowing the purple. “I’m going to rip off their fucking arms and watch them bleed to death; I’m going to slowly choke them - torture them until they feel death’s icy fingers in place of my own, until it’s inches away, and then I’m going to fucking resuscitate them and do it again-“ the glow of her biotics had lit the room and Thea had to step out of her way as she paced, fingers hooked and clenching. “And then I’m going to let Shepard shoot them with her big ass military issued gun-“

“Aria, stop.” Liara rolled her eyes at Thea as she sat on the couch, legs and arms crossed, waiting out the storm. They both knew that this Aria – this loud and expletive spewing Aria – was much less dangerous than the one that whispered and hissed, shot first and shot off her mouth second; slunk in like fog under a door gap. _Let her rant and rave and demand to see that Liselle was all right,_ she thought, suddenly missing Shepard and her protective aura very much.

“I’ll cut off their head and-“

“Are you quite done?” Tevos crossed her arms, tapping one finger on her bicep, “it was just a little blood, and Liselle wasn’t a part of it, she was napping.”

“But she will not be for much longer if you do not shut the fuck up, Aria,” all four of Bray’s eyes went wide from where he stood by the small boxes. Aria stopped moving, seemed to be disarmed by Liara’s outburst.

“Well, well. Blue can talk dirty,” she shot her an amused look, joining Bray – all hips and dangerously short movements. She took a moment to survey Thea. Liara noticed and felt the burn of jealousy. Aria’s love was subtle; a palm on the small of Tevos’ back, violet eyes on supple hips, one ear always on her bondmate’s conversation. The raised brown marking, a barely seen raise in the corner of her mouth… but it was there. Liara felt very alone. No one was going to be there to check on her tonight; to check behind closet doors and under beds for monsters of the very real kind - ones that shot scientists and removed their eyes to prove a point.

“Well, this guy is fucked.” They all stopped, stared at Bray, who had barely spoken fourteen words the whole time Liara had known him. He blushed, dropping the brown paper back into the box he was stood over. “Uh, I mean…” Aria slapped him on the back of the head and peered over his shoulder, examining the gore as if it was a cold cup of coffee. _Which, I guess, it is. To her._ Liara gulped; very aware of who she had tangled with these last few months; suddenly aware of how lucky she was to be whole and alive. _She could have- just- anything, to me… she didn’t have to…_ Suddenly knew Aria had been telling the truth. “ _Mine,”_ she heard in her head. _“I do not share, as a rule. I gave you her…”_

 _She did…_ gazed at Aria with an open mouth, brows together. _Goddess._

“Bray, get back to Omega, question everyone who ever even heard this poor son-of-a-bitch’s name. I want answers, now.” He nodded, once, and closed the packages, hauling them under his arm in a stack.

“What will you do with – I mean – the eyes- him...?” Liara spoke softly, watching the boxes with the same terrible curiosity. Bray shrugged,

“Nothing. Too late for this sucker now: his soul is gone now that an enemy has removed his eyes. Nothing any of us can do for him…” Liara’s lip curled in disgust, very glad she was a woman of science, held no particular faith beliefs.

“You,” Aria stalked to her and she flinched, eyed Thea. “You’re staying here until this-“

“Oh, no- no, absolutely not,” she shook her head and took a step back. “I have a perfectly safe and private apartment, I am not sleeping under the same roof as the woman who-“

“Was under your girlfriend? Yah, yah,” Aria dismissed her and moved onto Tevos, “aren’t we over that now, T’Soni?” Liara went purple and coughed. “Thea, convince her. She’s going to end up dead, or worse.” Aria took the stairs two at a time, thoughts back on her daughter. Thea shrugged,

“You may as well save yourself the trouble, Liara: she’s very convincing,” Liara made a strangled sound and rubbed her forehead,

“Thea-“

“Unless you want her to show up at your apartment with a sleeping bag – or, worse, just herself and an entitlement to your bed – just stay here, okay?” Liara took in a long breath, her shoulders visibly raising and falling as she blew it out her nose.

“Fine.” She shook her head, eyes hooded. “What have we gotten ourselves into, Tevos?”

“She warned us.”

“She was right.” _Just do not let her hear me say that…_

 

The soft sound of music drifted out of Liselle’s room as Liara passed, something familiar enough in its tone to stop her in her tracks. She peeked her head in through the gap and saw Aria rocking her daughter in her arms, singing along almost silently to what she now realized was Jane’s voice.

 

_‘I've listened to the sound of nothing_

_Tell me what it is that I am listening for_

_Show me what I'm looking for’_

She listened to the lyrics, a lump in her throat, and realized she wasn’t the only muse Shepard had. It was beautiful, but undeniably about Aria.

The song changed to something more upbeat; something else she hadn’t heard.

 

_What else am I missing, Jane?_ She thought; it stung.

 

_‘…I found a heart in a solid rock_

_I tried to show you but you wouldn't stop_

_I should've known you then_

_I should've known you then’_

 

_‘Try me out_

_Keep me if you like me now_

_There's always gonna be some doubt_

_It's never gonna be just perfect’_

She furrowed her brow and cocked her head; she didn’t know if she felt angry or foolish.

_‘I lost my head in a bidding war_

_I don't remember what I wanted you for_

_I felt the air blowing through my need for you_

_I looked ahead to someone new_

_I tried to move but I stumbled on you’_

 

All the doubts complicating her heart suddenly felt very small.

Liara watched Aria put Liselle into her crib and sit roughly in the rocking chair, her head in purple hands; her heart obviously in Jane’s hands. She suddenly knew Aria was protecting her for Shepard. _Thank you, Aria,_ she thought. Couldn’t voice it; didn’t know how.

 

Shepard felt the stick pierce her skin before she felt the pain; all elastic relief against the pressure she had felt landing.

She had survived N1, she had survived N2, she had survived N3 and 4 and 5 and losing Liara and Aria T’Loak and Liara with someone else and lonely nights off-planet and crippling loneliness and the Crucible - she had survived _death_ – only to be brought down by a stick.

 _Technically a fall,_ she thought absently, eyeing the branch sticking out of her chest wall. Grimaced at her right arm, which was stubbornly refusing to move. _Dislocated shoulder; well, Goddamnit._

 _Shepard read the directions on their assignment board with a sinking feeling. What she had come to recognize as Branson’s scrawl read:_ Move along a designated route, minimum ruck weight of 75 pounds – not including water – alone. Walk until we tell you not to, or until you come to an end. There will be land navigation; map your route using your visor map and compass. If you do not finish before nightfall: you are not permitted to use your lights while moving. If you so much as take a piss with your light on I’ll know. You are not permitted to use the roads. I repeat: Alone. Move as a unit, as a fucking pair, and I will find you and you will be expelled. You will find a new set of instructions if you’re on track. This is a timed exercise; we are not telling you how long you get.

Go.

_She was already regretting not finishing her breakfast and they hadn’t even begun. They had filed onto the transports – so much like back in N1; all rocking shoulders and planted boots – and stared straight ahead while thickets of bright green sped by below. Each shuttle hovered just off the ground as they disembarked, only a red marker tied to a tree to guide them. Shepard nodded to Williams as they went their separate ways, their own routes popping up on their visors, their own points to find scrolling past her eyes like a waterfall. Heading into the jungle and leaving the rest of them behind she was conscious of how much daylight she had left, needed to hit all twenty checkpoints before sundown unless she wanted to stumble around the Brazilian jungles in the dark, alone._

_On mile 8 her foot began to crack; she pushed through it. On mile 15 she figured out it was broken; she didn’t care. She had checked off a scant two markers; didn’t know if this was good or bad, had sat next to a tree and drawn a diagram of her route in the dirt, a stick acting as her pencil, her visor the muse. Mumbling to herself amongst the buzz of the insects and the howls of the monkeys, she rubbed her face, smearing dirt over pale features. On mile 17 she found her next point. It was all very monotonous; hiking, checking her area, rifle at the ready, visor pointing the way via compass points she imputed with her Omni-tool. Check, found it. Next one._

_She took a quick nap under a tree, her pack in front of her, her back on the bark; woke in the early evening and devoured her meager dinner. Hit the trail again, dodging spider webs and prickly branches, stepping over fallen logs – each rounded step torture on her foot – and under low-hanging vines. Reminded her so very much of when the ship crashed… The bird calls her only company. Walked straight into a hidden gulch, all ancient rock walls and carvings; reminded her so very much of Liara. Was lucky she didn’t fall on anything; didn’t break anything._ Leave it to me to die out here, alone, just because I was looking up at the damn birds…

 _Night fell like a silent shroud, the jungle noises fading for a brief time before being replaced by strange calls and the cracking of underbrush._ They’re observing us, _she thought._ Sure – they get night vision…

 _The canopy made star navigation impossible and the moonlight couldn’t hope to pierce the thick covering of leaves and make it down to her spot by a lazily flowing river. She paused, stood stalk still and flicked on her tactical light; the eerie sight of floating eyes caught her off guard until she realized they were half submerged._ Caiman, _she thought._ Or crocs… _she shivered. There wasn’t much that scared Jane, but crocodiles topped that short list. She shut off the light and decided against wading across. Went the long way round._

_Stumbled out of the jungle at daybreak, boots slogged with water, armor covered in mud. Was one of the lucky ones who made it in under time. She saw Williams sitting against the oversize tire of a truck, panting. Raised her hand to her, her shoulder crunching, her tendons aching. Shepard dropped her pack next to Ashley and slumped down next to her, “the others?” Williams shrugged,_

_“Dunno Shep, we’re coming out all over the place – they’re picking us up in these,” she banged the tire with her elbow, “just waiting on two more at this checkpoint.” Jane nodded, gulped down the last inch of potable water she had. Groaned. Dipped her head between her knees and licked her lips, gathering the last of the moisture._

_“Transport, now!” They shot to their feet, Jane feeling her bones crunch. Ashley saw her wince as she hauled her pack up and into the back of the truck; Shepard shot her a tight-lipped look of silence and Williams nodded her agreement. Jane checked her pack: no water, two meals left._

_They were 24 hours in._

She groaned again, saw boots stomping around her in the dust, Harris’ face appearing in her field of vision. “Shep, you okay?” She rolled onto her back and he took a step back, his face paling. “Jesus. Williams!” Shepard coughed, blood staining her lips. Shepard tried to talk, her voice coming out like the scratching of nails on gravel.

“I’m okay,” she managed to croak, spitting blood into the dirt, wheezing and clutching her chest with her still-good arm.

“Like hell you are, LT. Harris, pass me your kit.” Shepard’s deep breaths turned to heaving ones; she felt the now-familiar feeling of oxygen depletion – so much like being spaced. So much like death. She tried holding her breath to stop the pain, but it felt like there was a steamroller on her chest; felt the twang of something vital giving way – all the subliminal memories of dying rushing back – then the sticky warm turned cold feeling of blood. Looked down at her chest and saw red bubble out from the edges of the stick; saw a trail dribble down her chin.

“Fuck,” she let the back of her helmet hit the ground, taking the brunt of the impact. She heard Harris rummaging through his pack, heard Williams’ lowered voice,

“This is not good, Tom.” _Tell me about it, Ash…_

“We’re too far in, we can’t stretcher her out. I can’t clip the stick shorter – she’s losing too much oxygen, she’ll never make it…” he trailed off, looking back over his shoulder at her.

“Come on, guys. Medi-gel me up, right?” Shepard laughed, spitting more blood onto her neck and chest. Harris kneeled next to her and took her pulse, carefully avoiding the stick. He nodded and Ashley passed him a stack of bandages and a tube of medi-gel. He gently raised her to a sitting position, where Ashley sat behind her, supporting her back; blood coming out of her nose now.

“I gotta pull it out, Shep.”

“I know,” she coughed again and winced as her shoulder screamed; her breath hyperventilating-fast now, taking in more oxygen than she needed, readying herself. Except she couldn’t quite get enough; _that’s not right… not again… not without telling her again…_ Her vision swam but she nodded at Harris, clamping her eyes shut and waiting for the-

She passed out with her own shriek in her ears.

Shepard was dreaming. In her fever haze she tossed and turned in the dirt, not even coming to when Williams and Harris taped her chest wound when the medi-gel failed to close it all the way.

_She was back on the truck, groves digging into her ass as she rode next to Williams, wondering where they were headed now. She was being screamed at by Branson when Toombs dropped the stretcher they had fabricated from jungle vines and sticks. “Be a team, you slackasses! What happens, candidate, if your tech goes offline; if your hardsuit burns up, if your visor goes fubar? Then you use paper, pen, your goddamned mind, candidate. Use each other!” She was in Doherty’s face; saw the look he gave Toombs._

_“Jesus, he don’t belong here–“ she shoved him. He shoved her back. Fists raised, stopped just in time.  
“Stop,” she roared, “get back in line, now. Do not drag that stretcher, you’re leaving a trail.” Came in six hours over time; she stormed into the brush and slammed her helmet on the ground, kicking it across the undergrowth where it lodged in bush._

_She was tackling day and night assault courses, falling on her face and covered in grime. She was assaulting perimeters, tear gas and blanks going off around them; hunkered down in a hole, breathing through her ripped pant leg when the DIs snuck in and stole their breather helmets. 10 hours of this; through the night, disorienting flashbangs and surprise attacks keeping them awake – on edge. The blue-grey fog of dawn like a salve on her nerves: can see them coming now._

_She’s Ooorah, Sir! She was_

_She was on countless patrols; 54 hours worth. Just under 50 miles worth._

_She had had less than six hours of sleep. She had eaten a total of three times._

_She was on the move for what felt like days; over hills, over dusty hardpack, through more jungle, through a two-mile obstacle course so much like N1: ropes, tunnels, walls, more ropes, streams, mud, vents, ladders… always moving. She saw so many recruits crack; where they were confident before, so capable, so cocky, now they froze. They stopped and the heights or the water or the bugs – or the goddamn marching – just got to them; couldn’t navigate the log tower, couldn’t climb through the insect-filled culverts, couldn’t wade through the murky water, so unsure what was in there. She wasn’t sure how she had; how she hadn’t cracked too._ Would I be like that without these upgrades? Is this me, or what they did to me?

You are brave _, she heard in head._ It is you. It has always been you. _Must have been hallucinating; Liara hated her._

_She had her boots on the ground, she had weight on her back; she had endless miles ahead._

_But she had hope. She had her._

_She was dreaming of The Reaper, that forced march up that damned steep hill, all incline, not giving an inch. The instructions had read:_ Don’t hold back, don’t conserve, push hard.

_It was brutal. There was no taking a break, just a steady climb on unsteady legs; no food left, barely any water, foot still crunching, lungs wheezing. She was stumbling, her feet slipping under her, sending her reeling into the sand; can’t go on. Can’t go one more step. Knows if she sits, it’s over. No coming back, no starting over._

_Jenkins and Harris are dropping back, digging in behind her and coaxing her forward; like she did so many times for them. “I can’t… I cant,” she’s whispering, watching her feet; watching the DI watching her._

_“Then quit, candidate.” No remorse in his eyes. No sympathy._

_“I can’t…” she’s rasping it out, barely. “I can’t quit;” the rage is back and she spins on him, “I can’t quit. I’m not allowed,” eyeing him dangerously now. They all know. They must. She shoves him, daring him._ Court marshal me. Give me a reason to hit you; a reason to leave – so it’s not my own shortcomings, my own failure. Another failure. Liara. Aria. This.

_“What if that was your wife on your back, Marine?” Her missing Liara the worst kept secret. She roared and slammed herself up the hill, tumbling over the peak and down the other side, all dust and brush grass and lunatic laughing._

Shepard awoke with a mumble, her chest felt lighter but her shoulder felt tight and hot, all electric flash fires and limp muscle. Williams sat next to her still; she had no idea how long she had been out. Was thankful she had woken up at all.

“It hasn’t been two years, has it?” She moaned, trying to wink. Harris looked confused but Ashley laughed,

“Hey, LT, welcome back. Don’t move.” Jane laughed, tried to sit up anyway. “Here,” Williams pressed her palm against her shoulder, steading her before snapping it back into place, Shepard grunting but instantly feeling relief. “Couldn’t do that with you out.”

Harris rose and stretched, “I’m no doctor, Shep, but that should have killed you…”

“Yah, well, I’m tougher than I look.”

By mid morning she was healing nicely, the wound stitching together on it’s own under her shirt. She could feel it. They had joined the rest of the recruits for their final assignment and the story had spread amongst them; rumours of Unkillable Shepard following her like a bad smell. _As long as no DI hears, I don’t give a rat’s ass,_ she thought. Didn’t want to spend the remainder of the Crucible with the medic. Ashley gave her a knowing smile; nodded in response, rifle in her arms, visor dancing in front of her face. “Ready, Marine?” She yelled over her shoulder, Ashley brought up the rear.

“Aye, aye, LT!”

 

“Ah, Jesus! Fuck.” They spun around, rifles at the ready. “Spider, sorry, spider… I hate spiders…” Shepard rolled her eyes and walked backwards to where her squad mate stood, one boot off the ground, back hunched and rifle pointed.

“Jesus, Doherty, how did you make it through N1? The fucking spiders on base were huge.” She stepped on the wolf spider, blowing her hair out of her eyes. It had grown in, the messy cut she preferred. _That Liara preferred,_ she thought, sighing.

 

Last maneuver _, she read;_ Finally _, she thought_. Move along a predetermined route; capture the outpost assigned to your fireteam. Do not be seen.

_She read her listing: Shepard, Williams, Doherty, Jenkins. “I hear you’re immortal now, Shepard,” Doherty clapped her on the back, making her stumble and cough, lungs still not healed; full of fiberglass. She tasted blood and fought the urge to spit on his boots; had always hated this guy. Spit the glob out into the dirt and wiped her lips with the back of her hand, making faces at him much to Ashley’s delight. He spun and she dropped the goof; all hard lines on her face and torches of war in her eyes._

_“Move out, team.”_

__

He turned and fired a shot into the head of a passing monkey and Shepard spun, grabbing his collar and lifting him off his toes, “Recruit, what the fuck was that?”

“Damn monkey pissed me off, Shepard,” Doherty hung onto her wrists,

“You pissed me off; do you realize you just gave away our position? Do you realize you just put my fireteam in danger with your impatience and temper; do you realize you just killed for no good reason?” His helmet’s visor was covered in spit.

“Get off me Shepard,” he spat in her visor-less face and she dropped him, swung her arm back and punched him, hard. Technically not allowed, but she was past caring. _Let him report me,_ she thought, staring down at him in the mud. She shook her wrist out, her knuckles smarting from the helmet’s unwavering protection. _I’ll eat the discipline gladly, if it means he gets kicked out for firing his weapon unduly._ He clutched his jaw, glaring at her on his ass.

“Get back in position, Doherty. I don’t want to see your face.” She kicked him for good measure.

They stepped out of the jungle and onto a dirt road; Shepard – on point – held up her fist and everyone stopped dead. She surveyed and pointed to the right, around a copse of trees and to a stream. The mud was green under their feet, algae and water and muck from the jungle dripping from overhead and squelching underfoot. Williams nodded her consent, leaving Jenkins to bring up the rear. Doherty paused, lit a flare to see in the dim of sunset. She shot him a look and he resumed his march, mumbling about ‘wading through that shit?’

“Yes, you’re going to wade through that shit; this is sniper choke point, fucking idiot.” Doherty narrowed his eyes as Shepard waded into the stream,

“Wait, LT; what’s that?”  
The yellow light of his flare had illuminated something on the other side of the road, something tall and shining with an obsidian gleam, casting strange and toxic neon shadows on the gravel. She waved her team back and Doherty and Williams joined her in the muck; Jenkins didn’t follow. He dropped the muzzle of his rifle to the ground, staring at the obelisk, slack jawed and glazed; Shepard thought she heard a faint buzzing in her ears.

“Recruit,” she hissed at him, one hand outstretched. “Rich, come on.”

Jenkins walked onto the road as if in a daze, feet dragging in the dirt, head straight ahead; a marionette, all nervous energy sapped. _Do not cross that road, candidate,_ she thought, ready to leap out of the water and save his ass. Again. A shot cracked through the night and birds flew from the trees in a dark cloud, all squawks and flapping wings, blotting out the moon for a moment. _I told you, you dumb shit._ Shepard shook her head, waiting for Jenkins’ armour to flash red, attuned to the blanks the DIs were using. He slumped to the ground instead, silent and instant, and time stopped. Shepard saw him fall in slow motion, watched as a puddle of blood began to form around his armpits, under his head; oily black in the moonlight and reflecting the flare.

“Holy shit-“ Ashley forgot her orders and went to move; stopped as Shepard glared.

“Get down,” she whispered, shoving Williams behind her and dropping into the water until only her eyes remained above the surface. They remained submerged until a lone solider walked out of the bush, kicking Jenkins’ limp body as he passed. White and black armour highlighted with yellow did nothing to camouflage him; Shepard shivered as his eyes passed over their location. The distorted voice crackled in the quiet,

“She’s not here, sir- no. One causality. Affirmative.” The insectile quality to his gear and movements unsettled her, but she ached to rush to Jenkins, and as soon as he passed she ordered the team to hold while she crouched into the bushes and around the perimeter of the pond. Ashley and Doherty watched her disappear into the jungle, casting worried glances around their position until Jane immerged a yard from Jenkins’ limp form. She motioned to her wrist and Williams nodded, radioed with a report and request for support; initiated radio silence. Shepard crept out of the brambles, crickets creaking around her, moonlight guiding her way, and kneeled next to Jenkins, every snap of every twig causing her to check and recheck her position. The indigo shadows made the trees loom over her, leaning in like spectators, like the galaxy’s most ominous class; like reapers, coming to claim his soul.

Williams saw her lower her head while down on one knee, and shake it once. It was enough for them to know. Shepard took off her jacket and draped it over Jenkins’ blank and staring eyes. Ashley swore she saw the flare reflect in eyes shining with glassy tears before it sputtered out, leaving them in complete darkness.

 

As they loaded onto transports, bound for the spaceport, she heard Branson echoing in her head.

_“Welcome to N6 designation, Marine.”_

She sat with her head between her knees, looking at the floor; smudging a dry pile of dirt across the textured tile with the toe of her boot. Not looking past her boots; not looking at the bundle of white in the corner. If she squinted hard enough it looked like a pile of laundry.

But it wasn’t.

_At what cost?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone knows anything about Marine training the Crucible – and The Reaper - is a real thing (that I’ve taken extensive liberties with here); I was going to not use the name at all because of these liberties, but the ties between the name and Mass Effect lore was just too good to pass up, so I kept it :) 
> 
> Absolutely did NOT write the lyrics (in italics in the chapter) the copyright for this great tune is as follows: 
> 
> Songwriters  
> Sarah Bettens; Gert Bettens  
> Published by  
> SONY/ATV HARMONY;DOUBLE T MUSIC


	20. Chapter 20

“It is an honour to have you here tonight, Lieutenant,” she felt pudgy fingers on her arm, imagined she could feel the clammy dampness through the sleeve of her uniform and tried not to flinch away.

“Shepard. Just call me Shepard,” she took a moment to look around the ballroom, all pressed bodies and screeching string music. _Must have cost a fortune,_ she thought, taking an appetizer off the tray of a turian in a tuxedo as he passed.

“Yes, of course,” he replied, dismissing her with that smile; somewhere between a snake and a teddy bear. The dinner lighting and quiet bustle of more than a hundred people unnerved her after months in the jungle, but she played the part: present, humble, stiff backed and proper. “We are thrilled- just thrilled – you’ve decided to be part of the unveiling,” he guided her through the crowd to a place by the bar; carved wood, sleek shine, no less than five bartenders – no waiting for a drink for the upper echelon. She wanted to slump against it and get sloppily drunk on cheap wine. The asari next to her wore shoes that probably cost more than her entire salary. A hanar waiter, complete with tiny purple bowtie, glided up to her awkwardly holding the stick her canapé had been speared by – so much like the one that had nearly killed her –

“This one would be honoured to take your leavings,” he echoed, strange ethereal voice bouncing off the throng, muted somehow. She blushed and handed it over; hadn’t seen a single garbage can in the place, as if no one here ever made a mess of themselves; had never drank too much, or stuck their gum under the bar, or existed at all outside this world of gowns and pretense and ass kissing. _Is there even a bathroom?_ Looked down at her shoes, shined and perfect and saw her reflection clear as day in the floor; _even the floor is outdoing me…_

“To be honest, Professor, I was surprised to get the invitation,” she took a glass of beer off the bar and downed it in three gulps; needed the liquid – _well, not courage… liquid tolerance_. “I didn’t do much more than stumble over the beacon. I’m just a solider, sir.” She barely had time to set her glass down.

“-With a degree in Galactic History, at that, Lieutenant,” he was guiding her again. She didn’t know how he managed to do it – control the almost 200 pounds of muscle and ungainliness that was Jane Shepard – with such ease. “We are truly thankful that an artifact of this caliber was donated to us here at Columbia, Lieutenant. Truly.”

“Shepard…” She mumbled, “Anyway, tonight should really be about-“

“Yes, of course,” he wasn’t looking at her, peering over the heads of his taller colleague’s, searching. _Not listening_ , she sighed and took another tiny food-thing off a tray, nibbling on it and bored. HE was still babbling away, leading her through the crowd with a disarming grace for someone so thickset. She picked up a glass of champagne with one fluid motion as it passed her, sipping it when she really wanted to guzzle; about sixteen of them.

“Well, it was found on Earth, so…”

“Yes, of course.” She imagined strangling him. “Please, I must introduce you to my fellows,” Jane looked around for someone to cling to. Anyone she knew, Alenko even. Spotted him by the back door, slouching and brooding. For once didn’t blame him; they all had one thing on their minds, even now, weeks later. “Ah- here they are: Dr. Grey, Dr. Valentya, this is 2nd Lieutenant Shepard, our benefactor.” She snorted, but quickly righted herself, shaking hands with the human and asari, tipping her head reverently. “Ah, yes, and this is Dr. Hudson” – another glazed looked, another limp handshake – “and where has our expert gone I wonder? Ah, there, yes, Doctor?” The crowd parted for him and Shepard licked her lips, all flush and fluttering stomach. “This is Dr. T’Soni. Liara, this is 2nd Lieutenant Shepard.”

_God._

Strange to see her again after all this time. Here. Outside of any of their places. She looked stunning, regal almost; like her mother. Shepard’s heart thumped one, twice at those legs, but it was her stomach that made the loudest racket. So much like grown ups, so much like the upper crust here in this ballroom, with these fancy people with their degrees and expertise and fancy booze. So unlike their beginnings of dorm rooms and diners and dirty sheets and first apartments and late night binge drinking.

A flash of panic crossed Liara’s face as she stepped into the circle, registering a moment too late who was being lauded. Jane sipped her champage and tipped her glass at her, a small smirk in her eyes more than on her lips. A flash of pain in those blue eyes she fell into all over again; Shepard was sure she was the only one who saw any of it. The only one who could read her. _Like a book,_ she thought. _My favourite book._

“Yes, I believe we’ve met before,” she replied, tipping her head at her. Saw her chest hitch. Saw she was wearing the amber necklace; twirling it now. Nothing else to say. “Excuse me, Doctors.” Brushed too closed to Liara on her way past; could smell her perfume and feel the silk of her dress on the back of her hand, creating goosebumps under her uniform. “Hi,” she breathed before disappearing into the mob. Ships in the night.

 _Goddess, what is she doing here?_ _Of course she is… how foolish of me…_ Liara flushed at those piercing eyes, a too-long look: all their befores there, their history in green. The subtle tip of her head, a glint, dancing – dangerous even – and a confidence she wasn’t expecting. So removed from the slumped and sad Jane at her door, limp flowers and heart in hand. _“Yes, I believe we’ve met before,” Oh, have we ever…_ Jane’s eyes had said, loud and clear. So impressive in that dress uniform: lines cut like a razor; all edges and debonair auras. Liara forgot how simply dashing she could be. The smirk, unseen by the others busy scratching each other’s backs; that glint, _Oh, by the Goddess, that glint,_ that mischief and a hint of – sex? _Knows all too well what is under this dress…_ She felt exposed in the dress; could see Jane’s attention peaked. Knew it looked fantastic on her; how it draped her hips and clung to her breasts just so, dipped just far enough to give the hint of cleavage. Liara closed her eyes against her scent as she pressed by, heard her in her ear. Shivered. Liara cleared her throat and found a glass of champagne, excusing herself from the crowd of professors as she watched Jane cross the ballroom. Watched her approach a middleaged woman standing lost and alone in the crowd; watched a black haired man, just greying at the temples – rejoin her with two drinks, putting his arm around her waist. Watched a conversation – unheard, but understood. The introduction, that look of pain, still new, not weathered yet; a handshake, stiff but heartfelt. _His parents,_ she thought. She knew. A nod, a sad smile, the tiniest laugh – sharing something? A story perhaps? A shared loved for Richard Jenkins; tears then, from the blonde woman – and hands grasped in her own – Jane’s pale, Liara knew – but strong; helping her, giving her that strength. Dad wiping his eyes as if a speck of dust was caught, looking up at the lights, looking down at his feet and coughing; an embrace. Liara watched it all with an infiltrator’s eyes; felt like a voyeur, uninvited and unwanted.

She felt her heart burn: this wasn’t the grinning and stammering Jane she knew, all elbows and innocent sarcasm, blushing bashfulness bidden by wit; nor the mischievous, sex-driven, strapping lover who haunted her dreams. This was an Alliance officer, poised and steady, serious and respectful; all spine and force. _Goddess._ A sharp salute - unsanctioned but needed; Liara could feel sharp, hot, blooming love; pride and shame. _She was the best person I ever knew. The finest of us,_ she thought, watching Jenkins’ parents turn and take their leave. Her Jane reappeared: slight roundness of the shoulders, a flushed face, trying to hide a grimace of pain; exhaustion and grief. Watched her turn on her heels and walk calmly to the bathroom. Liara set down her empty flute and followed her with her eyes.

Shepard splashed water on her wrists, the faucet running strong and cold. Overheated from the crowd and unable to look herself in the eye any longer she suppressed the urge to punch the mirror; to crack it into splintering fractures that seemed so suiting. _How had I not realized his parents would be here? That Liara would be here? She’s only the youngest Prothean expert in the galaxy. Fuck fuck, shit._ Admittedly, she had handled it well outwardly, even felt a sad kind of mischief at the time, but now she was done. Done with the night, with politics, with handshaking and schmoozing, and Liara’s presence haunting her through the room, just out of reach but constant. So tantalizing in that dress. So cold. Jane wanted to grab her and sweep her off her feet. Wanted to stand on the balcony and scream: I love this woman. Wanted to shout it from the rooftops: she broke my hear, this woman you all admire and applaud. Wanted to scream and shout and shake her: Remember me? The love of your life? Shepard sighed; was at least thankful she was in her finest dress – knew she looked every inch the sailor, the officer. Well-groomed: charming and handsome, with her tailored jacket and pants, stripes and medals; her feminine wiles. She heard the door click behind her and hastily busied herself with washing her already clean hands, didn’t want to face whoever it was, even through the disappointingly whole mirror. She heard it lock and snapped up, all instincts and threat metres. It was Liara.

“If you’ve come to yell at me, I’m not in the mood Liara,” Jane said to her through the mirror, tracking her movements as she came closer.

“I-I just came to see how you were,” meek voice, so at odds with the imperial air and dress: Her geek, still there, under it all. Under that dress; _God, that dress._ “I saw what you did for his parents, Jane… I’m very proud of you.” _Amazed, in awe actually,_ she thought, but didn’t know how to articulate the changes she’d seen in her without sounding rude. Condescending. Especially when Jane was like this: bristly and battle-sore. Shepard scoffed, turned from the sink and dried her hands on one of the white towels that lay in the wicker basket on the counter. Had the urge to throw it at her; threw it in the laundry bin instead.

“Proud?” She leaned on the counter, ankles and arms crossed, “You don’t get to be proud: you left me.” Liara closed her eyes, fingering her forehead.

“This was a mistake-“

“-You’re fucking right it was,” Shepard mumbled,

“I assumed we could be civil, but-“ she turned to leave but Shepard sighed,

“I don’t want to fight with you, Li.” _Li…_ Liara thought, _how fast we fall back on old habits._ Liara’s features went soft,

“Well then please stop blaming me. Shepard, you cheated on me.”

“You abandoned me.” Fire rose; she dampened it with pure will. _Is this all we are anymore? Blame and hatred and uncompromising intensity?_ Wouldn’t do this now; couldn’t. “I’m sorry,” she added, staring at her shoes, at Liara’s shoes, suddenly unable to meet her gaze. “This is not about you, this is about him; and me, having to be the cool, collected officer instead of his friend.” Liara nodded – she saw it out of the corner of her eye, “I really don’t want to fight with you.” She reached out and touched a slender blue wrist, gently, resisting the urge to pull her back. Would let her leave if she wished.

“I am sorry you lost a friend, Jane. I wish I had met him…” she trailed off, all the other wishes lost on the tip of her tongue. Shepard nodded too, turning around and staring into the sink. She began to talk:

“We were taken by surprise. It was only an exercise, not live combat… the solider, well, I don’t know how to describe how he was. How he made us feel. Like he wasn’t human. Jenkins, he just- God, he was so stupid, just wandered out like he was under a spell, and this buzzing just filled my head – all of our heads – like static, like crunching metal…” Didn’t know how to explain it to her, a civilian; couldn’t quite convey it: the dark jungle, the horror; _the nauseating sound of that damn beacon that everyone here is so obsessed with_ – that Liara was probably obsessed with. “I told them this should be a ceremony honouring their son. Not some old fucking rock.” Liara stepped closer, her head titled to one side in that way she had; that way she had that completely disarmed Jane every damn time.

“You did all you could,”

“No. I didn’t. I was his leader, he was supposed to be able to rely- I let him down. I let everyone down: Jenkins, his family, Anderson, the Alliance. Aria. _You_.” One tear leaked down her cheek and she shook her head, tongue stuck behind her back tooth. She sighed, blowing out her breath to clear her head; to clear the air. “Would it be okay if I got you a drink, Liara?” She reached out again and touched her arm.

“I do not want a drink;” she let Jane hold her wrist, felt the touch tingle as she closed the distance and kissed her, fisting the collar of her uniform like it was the only thing keeping her from floating away. Jane stiffened, shock melting into passion, and she kissed her back, one hand travelling down to Liara’s waist, the silk of her dress unbearably soft on her war-worn hands. The fireworks in her spine shot up through her head, and she pulled Liara in, not wanting it to end; never wanting it to end. Their lips parted and Shepard saw uncertainty in her eyes. She backed away an inch, giving her room to breath. Liara stepped forward and took her mouth again, blue fingers wrapping themselves into red hair; using that hair to pull her mouth down and into hers. Shepard groaned, not believing it. Liara backed her back against the counter, the marble sliding along the back of her jacket, and hastily undid her buttons and fly with deft digits, placing hot, wet kisses on her between moments of concentration.

“Let me make you forget,” she whispered, sinking to her knees, and bringing Jane’s pants and underwear along with her. Suddenly Jane wasn’t alone in her head, felt tingling in her nerves that didn’t originate in her. Couldn’t believe this was happening. _Silk thong, Jane?_ She heard the amusement and felt a surge of arousal; tried to answer, but Liara wrapped hot lips around her clit and she let out a cry instead.

_Panty-lines- Oh God-the uniform is tight._

_So are you._ Liara slipped two fingers in and up, hooking them around, and Shepard bucked; melted. Her mouth was too hot, too wet, and her fingers were relentless, and Jane knew she wasn’t going to last long. She reached down and clutched her crest in trembling fingers – unable to process that Liara was here, really here, really fucking her against some sink at a million-dollar party – tracing the too-familiar lines of her tendrils. _God, it’s been so long… I-God._ Couldn’t articulate all the emotions: love, lust, confusion, heartache, anger, pleasure, shame. Didn’t want them to slip through; didn’t want her to stop. She fell over the edge, her hips slamming wildly into Liara, the back of her legs hitting the counter hard enough to cause pain. Liara moaned, which coaxed a second flood from Jane – those noises she hadn’t heard in so long like accelerant – and she ran her tongue along Shepard’s inner thighs, cleaning up any stray wetness she found and humming her approval. She stood elegantly; absurd and absolutely the most erotic thing Jane had seen in recent memory. She left her pants down and grabbed her – before either of them could change their minds – lifting her into her arms and setting her on the counter as gently as possible considering the insane desire she felt: to be inside her, to feel her come around her hand. She ran her tongue along the curve of Liara’s neck, her collarbones where they stood out from the straps of her dress, the delicious line of blue cleavage. She could taste herself on Liara’s lips.

“Goddess, Jane,” Shepard physically reacted to her name, in the voice, from those lips, biting down on the chord of muscle that was her shoulder, her heart spiking, her stomach full of the dancing flurry of sex. Shepard hiked the dress up as far as it would go without ripping, and pulled down the white lacey panties Liara wore, shoving them in her jacket pocket so they didn’t touch the floor, mouth still working Liara into a frenzy of whimpers. She petalled her open with one hand, by feel – by memory – and tentatively slipped in, the heat enveloping all of her senses through the meld. They both cried out, unsure which it originated from, and Shepard began to rock back and forth, kissing her all the while, Liara meeting her on every soft stroke. The terrible canned party music played over the bathroom speakers, so different than the quintet playing in the ballroom; so out of place and odd mixed with the panting and slapping of skin. Not fitting their tempo – the strange, angry, passion; the drive to make her scream. So different than them; it didn’t match them, they didn’t try to match it.

_No one-_

_-like you_

Jane heard, fragments of thought and emotion.

_No one else… I try to_

_-forget; move on._

_I was wrong._ Shepard was almost positive Liara wasn’t consciously sharing; didn’t speak, didn’t reply, didn’t think for fear it would stop. Without warning, without a sound, there was an electric flash of pleasure, white and endless beauty, forever. They both went ramrod straight and Jane felt Liara lift herself off the counter and into her; eyes black, mouth agape, biceps shaking. She felt herself spinning, falling into the vastness of her – her mind, her soul - a flat-glassed plain of obsidian, shining somehow – light cresting over a horizon. Jane felt herself break, snap apart; felt Liara in her core for an endless moment: eternity and an instant. Twined together like rope, like DNA, like two birds dancing in the sky.

She cried out in ecstasy and Jane was sure every party guest heard her; didn’t care. Kept thrusting. Tethering herself to the physical world with the simple action: the only thing she could do to not get lost in Liara. They came again, together, and Shepard collapsed into her, noticing for the first time that Liara’s legs were wrapped around her waist, ankles clasped together behind her back, pulling her as close as she could. They stared at each other, breath hasty and harsh. Jane stepped back, overwhelmed; ashamed. So public.

“Liara…”

“We should rejoin the party.”

“Liara-“

“- I know, Jane; I do not- what this means….” Liara lowered herself off the counter and fixed herself in the mirror.

“Need time?” Shepard practically spat; then felt bad: was equally confused. Liara didn’t rise to the comment, simply adjusted her dress and scrubbed her hands until Shepard redressed and did the same. She put her hand on a warm, blue shoulder, half expecting her to flinch away.

“Jane, now is not the time.”

“I agree.” Was worried she would cry anyway; would do no good for any of them out there to see that. Liara bit her lip, nodded, and Shepard saw a brief passing of hurt in her eyes. “I just… all I wanted was for you to come with me. I just wanted you to follow me anywhere.”

“I am sorry, Shepard. I-“ _I love you._

The click of her heels was the only real answer she got.

 

She almost walked straight into Ashley on her way out of the bathroom. Had shut herself into a stall and let the tears fall, silently; could still taste Liara on her tongue.

“Holy shit, LT, was that _her_? What a bombshell-“ she saw the look Shepard gave her and stopped. “Sorry, uh, ma’am.” Jane actually cracked a smile as they walked to the nearest bar, order straight whiskey and tequila chasers.

“Don’t ma’am me, Williams. And we just had sex in the bathroom, so…” Ashley spluttered tequila out of her nose and Shepard laughed.

“Well at least I know why Kaidan is so grumpy: must have seen her and, well, _inferred_.” She waggled her ample eyebrows at her, “if he knew what just went down behind those doors his head would explode.” Jane sipped her next drink,

“Should I go give him her panties?” She untucked them from her pocket, just a corner – enough for Ashley to see – and shook her head, disbelieving. Ashley snorted and winked. They drank in silence for a moment, Jane watching Liara glide across the floor like she owned it; the thought of her walking around for the rest of the night sans underwear made her groan; practically swell with fresh desire. She slammed her glass on the bar, mindful of Ashley’s stare – seeing her seeing Liara. Seeing her undressing Liara with her eyes. “Wanna get out of here? Go to a real party?”

“Fucking A I do, LT.”


	21. Interlude

Aria T’Loak wasn’t afraid of death.

She wasn’t afraid of violence, or pain, or torture, or failure, or the dark, or being alone, or any man, woman, or animal in the galaxy. She wasn’t afraid of death. Still, as Shepard looked over at her, sitting in that uncomfortable chair, in this too-pastel, too-friendly, too-sterile room, she wondered if maybe, just maybe…

Shepard had seen the human – _uh, mortal?_ – side of her so many times, in so many ways, since taking her as a lover: her devotion to obscure human literature; her love of tea and scrambled eggs; the way she came alive, giving herself wholly and completely, when intimate, naked bodies hiding nothing, no detached, aloof, fuck-and-leave when Aria took you to bed; the way she walked around the apartment, barefooted and be-shorted, so normal looking outside of the leather and spandex and buckles and clasps that made her seem unattainable to the world; her heart, open and honest when shared on her terms. But fear? Not once had Jane seen her afraid. That emotion was eclipsed by rage; _or arrogance_ , Jane thought. _Maybe, deep down we’re all terrified all the time…_

Before death had taken _her_ – and yes, _she_ had been afraid, very afraid – Shepard had seen just a hint, the tiniest crack in the fortress that was T’Loak.

Aria was wearing the same look now as she had been then.

 

_“Shepard, do you have Aria’s shirt?” Jane bent over from her position on the end of the bed, and tied her shoes, taking a moment to lick her thumb and buff out the tiniest scuff on the toe of the left one._

_“Yep, it’s – uh – oh, here; yah, got it.”_

_“Did you iron it?” Jane looked at the shirt – if you could call it that. In reality it wasn’t much more than Aria’s usual corset, but made of a finer, silk-like material. Sharp lines made the cut look more formal, but it was about half the size of Jane’s own dress shirt. It wasn’t what you would call wrinkled, the fabric fell in such a way that Shepard doubted it could wrinkle, but she most definitely had not ironed it._

_“Yep,” she lied, placing it delicately on the bed and adjusting her tie in the mirror as she waited for Liara to finish doing whatever real girls did when they got ready. She had showered, put on the obligatory makeup that made her look more like a human and less like an anemic vampire, and dressed – tie and all – before Liara had even put a dent in her routine. She poured herself a drink and drank it on the bed, flipping through the hotel cable, stopping at every other channel to see the local news and soaps; Salarian and as such, hilarious to her human sensibilities. She heard the bathroom door open and Liara stepped out, wearing more makeup than usual, but nothing else. “You haven’t even dressed yet?” Shepard whined, planting her feet and regretting her words when Liara shot her a look straight out of the Benezia T’Soni School of Marriage. She took a moment to take in the curves and divots of her girlfriend’s body and very much wished they had more than an hour before the wedding._

_“It will only take me a moment, Jane,” Liara practically glided by her, grabbing her own dress from its hanger by the window. She stepped into lightly and pooled in all the right places. “Zip me?” Shepard shot to her feet; there was something inexplicably intimate and erotic to her about this moment – a moment that was on her top ten of moments – the moment when she got to press close and breath in her perfume, peer down the wonderful line of her neck and shoulders at the same time, and pull up that tab; a precursor to when she inevitably got to pull it back down at the end of the night. Liara took a moment to clasp her necklace before spinning around and fiddling with her bracelet. Shepard was almost certain that to her that moment was ordinary, like any other; that that moment was hers, a secret moment for herself._

_“God, you’re beautiful,” Jane said, taking Liara’s hips in her hands and drawing close, kissing her and tasting toothpaste and bath oils and lipstick. Liara blushed and returned the kiss, her turn to take Jane in._

_“So are you,” she replied, soft smile and eye crinkles setting Shepard’s heart aflame. “And oddly handsome. You should wear ties more often.” She turned back and found her purse, heading for the door. “I have to go help Thea get ready; and you should get Aria that shirt before she decides she does not need to wear it to her own bonding ceremony.” She blew Shepard a kiss as they went down separate halls, Jane letting their hands trail in each other’s grasp for a moment too long._

_Jane knocked once, for politeness, before opening the door. Aria had booked the largest, most expensive suite she could find, Jane knew, but this was hardly larger than a broom closet._ Thea and Liara are in the lap of luxury, probably with their own damn amphibious Butler, and we can’t even both turn around in here _, she thought, stepping over Aria’s foot to close the door. “Brought your shirt,” she said, throwing it at Aria’s face as she did so. She caught it before it hit her and glared, not bothering to cover her naked breasts where they peeked out from the lush black vest she had traded her jacket for._

_“About damn time, Shepard,” she tore off the vest and Jane gulped, averted her eyes and tried not to think about the last time those nipples had been in her mouth._

_“Want a drink, T’Loak; you’re a little pale. Nerves?” Shepard joked as she dug around for something to swig. She found Ryncol and plastic cups._ Oh, goodie…

_“What, my tits are pale? Cause you haven’t even looked me in the face.” Aria didn’t miss a beat, or a trick. Jane sputtered the jet fuel out of her nose and coughed, handing Aria hers. Their hands brushed and they both stopped for an instant, catching eyes._

_“A toast,” Shepard blurted, cutting through the thick air. “I can’t believe you’re getting hitched,” she swallowed, hard; then swallowed the booze._ Seems like yesterday you were seducing me in your apartment with this shit, T’Loak, _she thought, eyeing her over the lip of the glass; through the glass, really, as it was plastic. Aria did go pale then, sat on the edge of the single bed and stared into her own drink. Shepard sat next to her, a little too close, their legs touching; sparks jumping. “Jesus, Aria, you really are pale.”_

_“Never better, Shepard.” She pulled her vest back on and downed her second drink before placing her hand on Jane’s leg for a moment, running it up and down. Shepard looked down at it, had gulped and wanted so badly to just… she stood instead, going red. She refilled their drinks, watching the asari out of the corner of her eye; pale and hard-eyed._

 

Shepard snapped back to the present; didn’t need to relive the rest of that night, had far bigger things on her mind right now; felt like shit even daring to think of that - the terrible mistake that had led to so many more mistakes. _Had probably led to this,_ she thought, _and she has that same look now._ Shepard’s stomach sank. _If she’s scared… God._ Thea clasped her hand, making her jump. Jane squeezed back; neither spoke.

No, Aria T’Loak wasn’t afraid of death. But she was, in fact, mortal, despite her efforts to prove otherwise. And she had felt fear: the day she married Thea. The day Liselle was born. The day Shepard had died. She crossed her legs, the leather creaking in the quiet of the room. Didn’t look at either of them.

 _Thea knows_ , she thought. _Shepard knows; they know I’m no deity._ But that terrible weakness she had shared gnawed at her sometimes. What if suddenly everyone knew… What if they…

She was afraid: Of losing them. Of losing Liselle – to crime or to death, either was equal in Aria’s eyes. Of driving Thea – her truest soul mate and partner for life – away. Of never touching Jane – her equal, her own cosmic joke, the other half of her heart – again. Of having to someday choose between them…

Of either of them being the one in the hospital bed; the one she was sitting here waiting for news on.

She was afraid of this; of having to watch this, right now: that both the women she loved would lose their other half while she watched on – because Aria knew, friend or lover, the pain would be equal for Tevos and Shepard, in its own way, if she… relationships took different forms, but they all tore at the heart. Made you weak and susceptible.

Aria ran her gloved hand over her face; could still smell Jane on her fingers.

Yes, she was afraid. That Liara was going to die.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut, smut, smut - angst! Can't help it...
> 
> Sorry it's a short one.

_“The Citadel Council race kicks off tomorrow in the first election of a new councillor in over two hundred years.”_ The screen above the bar prattled on as Shepard leaned over her beer. She gave it a moment of her time, just one look.

 _“Rumours of Matriarch Benezia T'Soni running for Asari Councillor have been denied-”_ Aria slid onto the stool next to her,

“Turn that shit off, Shep. I’m sick of it already.” Shepard waved the bartender over and tipped her head to the screen, then to the bottle of rum behind him. She slid her chit towards him and grabbed the bottle by the neck, passing it to Aria.

“Thea?” Aria took a swig and nodded, taking another before answering properly.

“Who else? She’s meeting with Blue and the Spectre tonight to go over some last minute shit. That blue bitch has been more trouble than she’s been worth, so far. I don’t trust her.”

Jane laughed and sipped her beer, dark and heady. “You don’t trust anyone, Aria,” Aria ran her hand along her thigh, pinching her through the crotch of her jeans, sharply. Shepard bit her tongue to keep from groaning, and shot her a look. “I really wish you had come to Earth,” she managed to croak out as Aria’s hand pressed incessantly against her. They sat at a lower bar in Purgatory, a sad excuse for Omega, but all they had. Patrons stole looks at them as they passed, Aria’s reputation preceding her; drug lord, benefactor, CEO, legend come to join the mortals, away from her couch, descended from on high at long last. Shepard just wanted to get drunk and forget; she felt empty, all cracked concrete and discarded junk. Inner-city park grey. Aria licked the inside of her ear, adjusting her position on her stool as way of hiding it. “God, it was so strange to see her-“

“Let’s get out of here, Shep.” Took her hand and dragged her out into the street, the bottle of rum under her jacket.

 

“What do you say, sailor?” Aria waltzed through the bedroom door wearing Shepard’s fatigue jacket and her own black boots, but nothing else. She swam in it, but the dark colours of the camo set off the purple of those long legs and Jane gulped, her mouth bone dry. She had been ordered to strip and she had obeyed, - _yes Ma’am; double time, Ma’am!_ – and was flat on her back on the bed as Aria came across the floor, the hem of the jacket just covering her azure. Shepard leaned up but Aria stopped, wagging one finger at her. “I don’t believe I gave you an order, Marine,” she breathed; didn’t take another step until Shepard nodded and lay back down. Licked her lips.

“No, Ma’am, you did not,” she answered, tilting her chin down so she didn’t miss a moment of this.

“Well, soldier, I guess I’m going to have to teach you how.” Aria stopped at the foot of the bed, running a finger up Shepard’s leg, causing her to shiver from head to toe. “Drop and give me twenty.” Jane blinked, unsure of Aria’s seriousness. “Unless you want me to take care of this myself,” she purred, kneeling on the bed, legs spread to reveal slick purple lips. She ran her own fingers through them and moaned and Shepard nearly passed out from wanting. Doing as she was told Jane hopped off the bed and onto the floor, dropping into her first pushup with a flourish. Aria spun her legs off the end, planting her feet wide. Every time Shepard rose to top-floor position she was met with a tantalizing view of her folds, where fingers continued to tease. She groaned.

“Permission to speak, ma’am,”

“Denied, Marine.” Aria moaned, on purpose Jane suspected; despite the bravado she saw the undeniable spark of hungry want in her eyes as her shoulder and arm muscles rippled. Aria abruptly stopped touching herself and stood, placed one booted foot on her back and pressed down, causing Shepard to huff. “You’re only on twelve by my count, Shepard. Keep going.” Jane glared at her but kept it up as Aria drove her weight down into her back, sipping rum from the neck of the bottle. At eighteen she removed her foot and leaned on the wall, legs crossed and attention waning. Jane finished and stood, calling her bluff,

“Twenty, ma’am.” Took one step towards Aria, who shoved her back onto the bed instead,

“Sit.” She did. Trying to hide a grin she licked her lips again;

“Didn’t realize you enjoyed my muscles so much, DI,” she teased, flexing her right bicep and pulling her abs tight. Aria raised one brow marking and stalked toward her,

“Oh, there’s one particular muscle I enjoy very much, soldier,” she reached into the pocket of Shepard’s jacket and pulled out Jane’s cock, limp and lifeless. The smirk Jane was holding in broke and Aria saw her pupils dilate, her iris’s going dark. They rarely used it, but when they did- Shepard’s arms broke out into goosebumps at the thought of Aria’s tight azure wrapped around her. She almost groaned aloud. Aria kneeled again, between her legs, and dragged her tongue along the soft skin of her thighs before she slipped the short end inside her. Shepard gasped as the toy came alive, the sensors picking up her heat and pulse; the shaft began to swell as Aria gripped it, running soft hands up and down the length. She stopped when Jane dared to move her hips in tandem with the strokes, and Jane groaned again, looking down at her,

“Well, as long as you’re down there…” Aria snorted, climbing up from her knees,

“Like I’m going to stick that in my mouth,” Shepard frowned; _worth a try,_ she thought.

“Never had a problem using that silver tongue before, T’Loak,” all pretenses dropped now; wanted to be buried to the hilt inside her. Shepard reached out and ran her finger up the centre of her, catching Aria off guard; making her moan. She slipped inside - just a tease, just past her entrance but no deeper – and drew her closer. Wanted to feel those muscles rippling along her artificial length, tightening around her.

Aria grabbed her, palming her as she swelled and hardened; hissed between her teeth as she climbed onto her, running those folds along her, coating her in slick. Jane leaned against the headboard, rough hands on slender hips, guiding her up into her lap, where Aria continued the rocking motion along her shaft, teasing her until it became painful. Their mouths crashed together, all teeth and heat, and Jane slipped her hand between their bodies, finding Aria’s clit and rubbing it in soft circles; slow and deliberate; she cried out and arched her back, shuddering. Shepard took the loss of her lips in stride, kissing her way down her neck, her breasts, as far down her taunt stomach as she could reach, the skin soft and smooth. Aria kneeled over her and grabbed her cock again, lining it up and dropping down, hard, until their bodies were flush; no resistance, just smooth and clinging velvet – tight and wonderful. Jane grunted and rolled her eyes back in her head. She was never ready for that initial, overwhelming heat and silk, thanked the universe for modern technology for the millionth time. She threw her head back as Aria began to move, a slow rocking motion, keeping her whole length inside, where Shepard felt every movement run down her length and up her stomach, like electricity. There was fullness unlike anything she had experienced as a woman, a pounding, throbbing sensation of pressure that felt wonderful.

“You like that, Lieutenant?” Aria breathed next to her ear, bending over, hovering over her, her full breasts just out of tongue reach. Reminded her a bit too much of Liara, that soft tone, and she thrust her hips up in retaliation, drawing a sharp moan from Aria that made her chuckle. She took Aria’s hips in her hands again, thumbs digging into them hard enough to bruise, fingers wrapped around her waist, turning the skin a deeper purple, and began to meet her rocking motion with her own; could feel herself sliding in and out, just enough to drag along that swollen front wall on the way out, making Aria shake. She seemed to forget all about her mission and began to ride Shepard in earnest, the gliding, frizzy, full feeling taking her higher and higher with every thrust. Shepard stopped moving, just laid back and watched Aria raise and lower herself on her shaft, the whole length slipping in and out, disappearing into her azure until not even the base was left. Her breath came out of her nose in sharp blasts, and she closed her eyes against the peak she felt coming; didn’t want to come yet, not before Aria did. Aria’s Omni-tool buzzed on the bedside table and they ignored it; Shepard didn’t even look - couldn’t – didn’t want it to be Thea and spoil this wonderful mood, this building, blinding pleasure. “Better than a quick fuck against a bathroom counter?” Shepard opened her eyes to Aria’s, not an inch away, the angle change almost tipping her over the edge; could feel her cock throbbing again, but she growled; didn’t know what had gotten into Aria today.

“A little possessive, T’Loak?” She managed to gasp out, using her considerable strength to reverse their positions without pulling out, pinning Aria to the bed and driving into her with powerful hips. Each thrust creaked the bed, each thrust jolted her, her breasts, making her eyes swim; could feel the coarse hair Shepard kept running along her skin each time she rocked forward; it was actually pleasant, a reminder of their connection, of Jane’s humanness. Aria sometimes forgot just how human, how tangible, she was. Jane’s Omni-tool went off on her wrist and she groaned, shifted her weight onto one arm and flicked it off without breaking tempo: Smooth, hard, deep; driving into her. Aria was thrashing beneath her, all shakes and spasms, unable to mouth off anymore; unable to do anything but react to the fuzzy, tingling sensations dancing in her limbs.

“Oh, fuck me, Shepard,” she managed to swear, hands drumming on the bed, reaching down and grabbing her ass, pulling her deeper. “I love it when you’re pissed off.” She tried to spread her legs wider, reached between them and began to touch herself; Jane felt her knuckles hit her own clit, and she closed her eyes, could feel herself tightening.

She pulled out, briefly, and pushed Aria’s knees up to her chest, lining herself up and thrusting back inside, bearing down on her; black dots swam in front of her eyes and she closed them. “Right there, Jane; _oh Goddess, don’t stop_.”

“Jesus, _oh God_ - _Aria_ “ Jane disintegrated into grunts; mixed with the keening cries from Aria, Shepard was sure everyone in the building could hear them. Didn’t care; needed to make her come. Had to feel her as she did; so much more violent and brutal than Liara – than anyone she had ever had.

“Stay with me,” Aria reached up and touched her cheek; even without the meld she had seen it all over her face. “You fucking stay here with me. Make me come, Shepard. I want to come for you.” Shepard’s arms broke out in goosebumps and that flare of covetous ire woke in her;

“Oh fuck, I want to feel it. Fuck, I can feel how close you are. I want to make you. Come for me Aria.” Aria moved her legs back down to the bed and Shepard let her: Shepard, pale and grimacing, steely-eyed and clenched teeth, fighting what Aria knew was an impossible battle to stave off her own orgasm. Looming over her, driving into her; all for her.

“Fuck!” She felt herself clench, fluttering and coming around her, clutching her with hands and azure both, drawing claw marks down those muscled arms, over her breastbone, until they bled; her name falling from her lips, over and over.

Jane stiffened over her, Aria’s orgasm pulling her own from her; pulling a cry that emptied her lungs. She twitched inside of her, spilling everything into her – all Shepard, but still a steady stream. Aria felt it, the hot, full feeling, the strange sensation of it running down the backs of her thighs, the last jolt Shepard’s hips gave as she clenched and unclenched around her, drawing it out. Shepard could feel Aria still shuddering around her, making her moan and shake harder, the last of their shared peak coming in unison.

Aria’s Omni-tool went off again as Shepard collapsed over her, onto her, fluids mingling beneath them, breath in ragged gasps.

“Holy shit, Aria. That was… holy shit.”

“I know.” Aria shoved Shepard off of her, out of her; wincing, and lamenting the loss of that stretched, full feeling when she was empty. Shepard groaned when the air hit her, and Aria reminded herself to pay her back for her cheek, for daring to fuck her like that when she was supposed to be running the show. _See how she likes it,_ she thought, rolling over and answering her Omni-tool. _Hmmm, probably a lot…_ leaving Shepard to check her own missed call. “That was Thea,” brows pinched together. Aria held up her finger and nodded, pointing to her own wrist, where Tevos’ voice was pouring out; a panicked octave Jane had never heard before.

“Is Shepard with you?” Her eyes went wide at her name. _This is how I die. Again._

“Thea,” Aria spoke slowly, drawled really, “do you really-“

“Aria, cut the shit – I don’t care if you’re fucking her. Liara’s been shot.”

 

Liara dumped her work things by the door and removed her jacket, draping it over the back of a chair as the pot lights flickered to life on their own. It dripped on the floor, the heavy rain pounding her windows, the lightning casting eerie shafts of angry light over her living room at irregular intervals. She went to the kitchen in stocking feet and rummaged round the fridge for something to eat; another late and lonely dinner. Everything looked unappealing so she repeated to process with the cupboards but came up bare. Sighing, she dug into the back and pulled out a box of tea biscuits, snacking on a few and leaning against the counter; thinking of Jane, who had been in this exact position when… She brushed crumbs off her shirt and sighed; decided to call in takeout once her meeting with Vasir was finished. Would hurry both the Spectre and Thea out the door and enjoy greasy Salarian food, _or perhaps human Chinese_ – maybe both: she was ravenous.

 _I will shut down any offers of wine and chat from Tevos. I am far too tired for a girl’s night,_ she thought, taking her box of cookies with her as she wandered into the living room. _I am exhausted._ Was exhausted a lot lately: teaching, and research, and being the head of Thea’s campaign taking its toll, finally. _Shepard taking its toll_. She groaned, not entirely unpleasantly, and went to the windows, cracking her neck as she looking out at the other high-rises, their windows glowing yellow, the lightning striking between them, above them. She had ignored all of Jane’s phone calls: hadn’t known what to say. Didn’t even know what she was feeling. True, she had been daydreaming about her a lot since their… _encounter_ , she thought, and true, she had – maybe - thought about her, briefly, last night in bed while she had… _Stop it; just stop. This is not helping anything._ She just wasn’t ready to… _ready to what, Liara?_ She asked herself, staring out at the gloom. _To forgive her? To apologize? To start over? Goddess, I do not even know what I want._

_You want her._

_You want her back, in your life._

_I do… I want her, with me, here._

She sighed, turned to go change into dry clothes before Tela and Thea showed, and suddenly the earth shattered around her, cannon fire rumbling the floor, quaking her very bones. She jumped; thought it was thunder, until the pain hit. The window exploded, glass pouring down over her, around her, and she thought, _it’s beautiful,_ absurdly, _like twinkling lights_ , before letting out a tiny “Oh,” and falling to the ground, clutching her chest, where searing hot molten seemed to be collecting. The crackers fell next to her, spilling out onto the floor, and dimming eyes took in the mess before seeing too much purple blood seeping out from between blue fingers. As the world paled, Liara looked up to where the rain was coming into her apartment – rain she could no longer feel on her skin – and was afraid. The blood kept pooling, surrounding her like a dark halo. _Goddess, she’ll never know… I should have-waited for-told her…_

 _Be brave,_ she heard Jane in her head. _Don’t be afraid: I will not let anything take you away from me._

“Shepard…” _I am so cold, Shepard..._

_I love you._

Then she felt nothing at all; her love for Jane the last thing: the only thing that had ever mattered.


	23. Chapter 23

Shepard stormed the hallway like it was on fire, looking frantically for any sign of Liara. She had been forced to pull rank to even be admitted this far – 2nd Lieutenant Shepard, Alliance Officer and N6 Special Forces Marine wasn’t someone people said no to; she didn’t even feel bad about it. Whatever it took to get her to Liara. She found her amidst a flurry of doctors and blood, the floor all slippery violaceous, the staff shouting over the screaming machines. They were coming up the hall now: a stretcher with a very white, very still asari, IV bags and syringes and- Jane fell to the side, the room spinning, the world tilting. It wasn’t the blood – hell, it didn’t even look like blood to her, blood was _red_ – or the noise – being in a war zone had that effect on you – but Liara –

She was so quiet, so pale. Jane licked her lips; suddenly chalk tongued and ringing ears. It was her: seeing her like this, no gleaming eyes, freckles standing out against periwinkle skin. Shepard reached out with a trembling hand as she rolled by; “Out of the way-“

“That’s my-“

“Out of the way; she needs surgery, now.” It was Shepard’s turn to go white, stopped and watched as Liara and her entourage got smaller and smaller as they went down the hallway. Aria finally caught up to her, panting and huffing, and put a hand on her shoulder. She turned her head to her, not saying anything; there was nothing to say.

“Jane,” Thea – covered head-to-toe in faded blood - stepped out of an alcove where low tables held outdated magazines and the chairs sat, worn and bare – much like how she felt. Tevos guided her to a seat, let her sit, dazed, before going to Aria, who enveloped her in leather arms, eyes fierce and darting.

“Who did this?” She hissed in her ear. Thea shook her head.

“I don’t know.”

They watched as Shepard put her head in her hands and cried.

 

They had lapsed into strained silence for what felt like days by the time anyone returned. Liselle sat happily on Bray’s lap, alternating between colouring and babbling in his ear; Aria hadn’t calmed down – sat – until he had walked up the hall with her in his arms. Hadn’t accepted that she was safe with him at home - thought back to all the resumes she had scoured through on Omega, trying to find a suitable sitter; Thea had been right all along. Mr. Mom, Nanny Bray: _fucking batarian._ Had wedged his way into her daughter’s heart; into hers. _Fucking hell. If anyone tries to… I’ll-_ she glared at nothing and stood again, walking down the hall to a vending machine, mumbling to it as she slid her chit in; kicked it when it took too long to pour her tea. Brought back a snack bar for Liselle, and a stack of coffees, balanced precariously under her chin. Thea shook her head, was caffeinated-out; Shepard took Thea’s and her own, sitting with her head low, hands hanging limply between her knees, occasionally flipping something glittering into the air and catching it. Aria wanted to snatch it out of the air and hit her with it, but settled for burning her tongue on hot tea, swearing loudly. Shepard had finally stopped crying – not that she blamed her – and had risen about an hour ago, stalking to the desk, prying.

_“Ma’am, unless you are a family member I can’t release any information on Ms. T’Soni,” a red-faced turian woman had said, almost sadly._

Doctor, _she found herself thinking,_ but I guess that’s not important here… _she had argued, bargained, tried to explain her whole, sordid story; nothing had worked._

I am family, _she thought._ She’s my only family… my heart. _She had glanced back at the others, just visible from where she stood._ Not your only family, _she heard in her head._ Not her only family either, dickhead.

Aethyta. Oh fuck: her parents. _She had shuffled back to her miserable place in that uncomfortable chair, panicked and sweating. “Has anyone called her parents?”_

Once Thea called Aethyta and Benezia they had sat for another hour; then two. Then five. Shepard had actually begun to doze at some point, and Tevos had slid in next to Aria, holding her hand and opening a meld.

_What if she doesn’t…? I mean, what if she-_

_Thea, don’t._

_It wasn’t good, Aria. There was so much blood… too much blood._

_Did you-_

_Find her? Yes. Aria –_ her breath hitched even in their minds – _there was so much blood. No one can live without-if the Spectre, if Tela hadn’t shown up… I was running late. Goddess Aria, if I had been on time, if Tela had been on time…_

 _Thea, I love you._ They locked eyes and kissed, a chaste peck, before a human in scrubs, a mask over his greying beard, interrupted them. He removed his gloves as he came down the hall, scratching his head under the strange medical hat he wore. Tevos stood, eyes fluidly slipping back to green.

“Doctor – Liara?”

“Are you her family?” She stood and stole at glance at the drooling Shepard; saw the surgeon dart his eyes to the strange assortment of asari, human, and batarian that made up their little clan. _Yes_ , she thought, _but not in the way you think._

“Her parents haven’t arrived,” Thea replied, not answering his question. He didn’t answer, had probably heard a variation of this a million times. “I am her business partner, Dr. Thea Tevos.” He nodded, leading her away from prying ears; Aria heard the confirmation of Thea’s name. Snippets of conversation; was relieved Shepard was asleep.

 _-“Too much blood lost – not out of the woods – long road ahead- stabilized for now-“_ saw Thea pinch the bridge of her nose and nod. _“Was Ms. T’Soni aware she was-“_ Tevos looked over at Shepard, who mumbled and turned in her chair, not waking.

 

Shepard answered the door wrapped only in a fluffy terrycloth robe, hair dripping down her shoulders, feet bare and squeaking on the floor. As she rubbed her head – burnt ember damp – she didn’t bother to check the vid screen, just threw her hand over the sensor.

“Aethyta?” The Matriarch stamped past her before she could truly react; duck and cover. Made her way to the bar by the window like she had been there a hundred times – _which she probably has,_ Jane thought. _I was just dead for all our family reunions._

“Kid, got anything stronger than this swill?”

“Uh, hi.” Shepard hastily dropped the towel on a stool and made sure her robe was pulled tight.

“Athame’s tits, stop looking at me like I’m a rutting Krogan and get me a drink.”

She sighed and opened the fridge; nothing. Made her way next to her and awkwardly danced around her, afraid to make skin contact. Aethtya stepped back, arms up, and Shepard slid in, “All I have is, uh-” she dug around in the cabinet. “Warm beer and Ryncol.” Her former in-law shook her head, sadly as Jane poured them clear shots.

“Jeeze, kid,” she held the glass up to her nose and pulled face; “ever smelled regret?” Downed it and coughed in her hacking way.

“Uh, Aethyta, not that I’m not thrilled to see you – definitely not in fear for my life or anything – but, what-?”

“Am I doing here? My kid got shot, of course I’m here. You’re,” she poked Shepard between the breasts, hard, “just lucky it’s me who showed up at your door and not her mother. This was Liara’s place too, chump. Still would be if you hadn’t…” trailed off and helped herself to another. “I couldn’t stand that hospital food for another minute.”

“I just came from- how?”

“Just flew in, as fast as we could; Thea told me you haven’t left her side. Had to have Aria make you come home cause you were starting to stink.” Shepard looked away, _God, Aria. How much does she know?_ Jane wished she had taken a drink herself. “What did I tell you about Aria T’Loak?” Shepard gulped, looked over at her, warily; all white-eyed and scared. “Ah, honestly, I didn’t even have any hospital food, Shepard. For what it’s worth, kiddo, I was rooting for you guys: my kid and you.”

“Me too, ma’am,” she mumbled; Aethyta snorted.

“Ma’am, hah!” Gulped her drink down, “Keep it for Nezzie – and you were rooting so hard you just slipped and fell onto Aria’s face, or what?” Shepard paled; Aethyta poured her a drink. _Playing host to me in my own home;_ _seems about right._ “Ah, I’m just messing with you, Shep.” Jane sighed, didn’t know if she was relieved or terrified.

“Is she- I mean, has she-?” She sat down on the couch and sipped the Ryncol – that strange drink that seemed to haunt her, seemed to flow through her life – and planted her legs, massaging her forehead. Aethyta sighed,

“She’s the same. Hasn’t woken up.”

“They won’t tell me anything, Aethyta. I’m no longer ‘listed as her emergency contact.’ I’m no longer part of her life; on paper anyway.” Shepard finished her drink, willing the tears away.

“You’ll always be a part of her life, Jane.” She sipped too. “Close your damn legs, I don’t need to see that: it’s not a family thing.” Jane blushed to her roots and hastily snapped her legs shut.

“I’m gonna go dress, head back over.” She stood and put her glass in the sink, grabbing her third favourite asari’s glass and pouring her another measure before she left; continued to talk as she went down the hall. “So, her prognosis?”

“Good. Hell, I think. Shit, I dunno, I’m just taking them on their word that she’ll wake up, but hell. _You_ did.”

“Yah…” She wandered back into the room, pulling a tank top over her drying hair. “Me and Aria, The. I-uh-“ Aethyta held up her hand,

“Despite what I told ya, kid, it’s really none of my business. I’m married to Benezia T’Soni: I know how it goes. I’m just gonna leave it at that…” She trailed off, eyes locked on Shepard’s. She cleared her throat, running a purple finger along her glass. “Uh, have you and Liara popped each other’s heatsinks lately, kid?” Shepard blushed again, swallowing hard; was slightly unnerved by her almost bashful talking around sex for once. _What, has she pushed me against a counter and fucked my brains out in public? Yah, a little._

“Well, yah. About a month ago… I mean, I called her a few times since, but-“ Shepard held her hands up, wanting to make it clear she didn’t take it lightly. Aethyta waved it away.

“And has she-“ she wiggled her brow suggestively, “with anyone else?” Jane felt her stomach fall at the mere mention of it; groaned.

“I don’t know, I can’t even pretend to know anymore. I thought I knew her so well…” Aethyta walked back to the bar, shoulders stiff. Took a long time pouring her fourth drink.

“She was pregnant, Jane.”

Shepard’s stomach fluttered, She gurgled in her throat, slumping onto the couch. “What?” _Mine? Oh God, ours._

“Just a few weeks, three or four.” Shepard counted back; fit the timeline to a tee. “I thought you should hear it from me. Before anyone else.”

“A ba- a baby? I-uh-I’ve got to go to her,” she croaked, sounding too much like Aethyta. Shepard felt an unbearable lightness in her chest, a tiny spark of hope in this terrible day; this dreadful time. _A baby? God, a baby. My baby; our baby. God, I’m stuck in a loop._ Shepard shook her head, daring to smile, daring to let that tiny flutter grow, a beacon in her heart. Could imagine it: Liara, swelling, flourishing, _glowing_ ; a tiny fist in her rough hands, a small girl wearing tiny camo onesies; them, together, a family, finally, Liara forgiving her and marrying her, and giving birth to her daughter; _her_ daughter, learning to crawl, learning to run, learning to shoot and read and study and graduating and marrying and- “Wait, _was_?”

Aethyta put her hand on her shoulder, sitting her back down.

“Jane, she lost it. The trauma…”

“Jesus… does she?” Her fingers tingled, her throat felt like sandpaper; the world spun, casting Aethyta both into sharp relief and making her blur. All of it - all the hope - gone in an instant; as quick as it came.

“Know? Couldn’t tell ya. Probably not, or else I would have gotten a frantic fucking visit or some shit.”

“I’ve got to go to her.”

Shepard went back in with slumped shoulders, dragging her feet. The hospital was quiet, all strangely relaxing, muffled, noises, quiet footsteps, hushed voices. The thick smell of lilies and sickness almost comforting; familiar now. The dim room, all pastel curtains and antiseptic machines, looked the same as it had when she left. Liara looked the same: pale – deathly pale – and small, all tubes and beeping machines, constant; a heartbeat in this cold place.

She had worried on the way over here: that Benezia would be here, that Liara would be awake and refuse to see her, that she would be asleep still; that she would be-

It had been the longest car ride of her life.

Except she had gotten lucky – _or I have a purple faced, foul-mouthed guardian angel_ – and she was alone with Liara. She took a moment to stand at the end of her hospital bed, watching her chest rise and fall rhythmically, before she pulled the heavy chair up next to her, sitting with her knees against the scratchy sheets. Liara’s body looked frail under it, her outline so much like an old woman. She knew there wer bandages and blood under there – hadn’t seen it, didn’t want to. Not yet; not her. Jane took her hand; there was still blood under her fingernails. Shepard imagined her clutching her chest as the bullet tore its ugly path through her; imagined what would have happened if Thea and Tela hadn’t arrived when they did: Liara, bleeding out on a hard tiled floor, alone, and cold. She rubbed Liara’s hand with her thumb, too tired to cry, too overwhelmed to do anything but hold her. “Honey, if you can hear me…” She stopped, her voice raw; felt foolish talking to herself in this echoing room. Wanted desperately to let Liara know everything; everything in her heart. Begrudged her ability to meld, wished so damn much she could open that connection herself. “I love you. I never stopped loving you, please, come back to me. Fight this, Li. I can’t-I can’t follow to where you are…” Jane began to sob, not bothering to cover her face, unable to drop Liara’s hand, so cold and pale. Letting the tears fall, staining her pants. “I can’t follow you…” She sang softly to her, through the tears, stroking her forehead where her scalp lightened before it met her crest. Just a stupid tune, made up on the spot, soft and nothing; _follow my voice, darling._

“Come on, Liara, wake up. Please, just wake up,” pitiful and small, cracking and weak. Jane stared out of the window at the bleak, grey day that the lightning storms had left behind; began to talk, her voice stronger now. “I’m sorry you lost the baby. Our baby, Liara. We had a baby… did you know, or will I have to break your heart all over again when you wake up? She was ours; I know that in my heart… I know she was – I know you didn’t-with anyone else – if that’s not enough…” She turned back to her, staring into her beautiful face, imagining those blue eyes open and soft. “God, she would have been so beautiful – like you – and smart, and strong; maybe a bit too headstrong.” Jane laughed, wiping away her tears as she imagined a tiny Liara-clone, refusing to bathe until she finished her skyball game, refusing to eat until her book was finished; ‘ _Just one more story, Daddy.’ ‘Tell me about Earth;’ ‘Tell me about how you and Mommy met.’_

“And you and your mother would have made sure she was the perfect little lady. She would have known which fork to use at dinner, unlike her father – do you remember our first Christmas? Our only Christmas, I guess… - and I tried to use a spoon on that appetizer. The look your mother gave me – I thought I would wither and die, but you just took my hand and guided me to the right one; let me snort wine out of my nose without blinking once…” She closed her eyes, squeezing her hand, “You would have been the perfect mother, Liara.” Jane’s skin broke out into goosebumps; _mother. Mother of my child. My wife, bonded forever… I fucked everything up._ “You’re so much better than I am, Li. I wouldn’t have – I wouldn’t have blamed you if had taken her and hidden her away-“ Shepard felt a buzzing in her temples, soft and weak. “Your father and I would have taught her to swear, how to fight – not that I want her to fight, God, I would have protected her with my last breath. Both of you. I should have protected you; from whoever did this, from me… I’m so sorry, Liara. I’m so sorry… She would have been so loved. Did you know what you were doing, Li? Did you want her?” She looked away, her chest tight and aching. “Do you want me?” So soft and meek. _Please wake up…_ She fingered the ring in her pocket; was very glad she hadn’t pitched it into a creek in Brazil. “Just open your eyes.” _God, if I never see those eyes again…_

“Did she have my eyes?” Shepard whispered. Imagine she heard Liara answer in her head: _yes._

The steady ‘beep, beep, beep’ of the heart monitor kept her sane; as long as that machine kept singing its terrible song Liara was in there, somewhere.

Benezia watched silently from the doorway. She heard Jane’s voice, speaking to her daughter, about _their_ daughter. About them.

 _“I wouldn’t have blamed you if you had taken her and hidden her away…”_ her heart broke for Jane, for Liara; too close to home, that statement; too much like herself. She wanted to storm in and freeze her out of the room, protect her daughter; she wanted to grab the human in her arms and forgive her every indiscretion. _She is so much like me,_ she thought, looking at Liara, who seemed as if she was simply sleeping through the haze of tears swimming in Benezia’s eyes. She wondered if Aethyta had told Jane about the baby, or if Shepard had known all along; didn’t really matter in the long run. She was gone, and now her own daughter was fighting for her life.

“I’m going to find out who did this, Liara,” she heard Shepard say as she stood, leaning over and placing a soft kiss on her crest; hesitated and then kissed the corner of her mouth, around the tubes trailing out of her nose. “They’re shipping me out again, there’s this human colony that needs our help, but I’ll be back, I swear I’ll be back… I’m so sorry I keep leaving you. I understand, well, everything… I get it now. If you can’t-I mean-“ she paused for a long time, just looking at her. Benezia watched. “I understand.” She ran her hand along Liara’s arm, where it lay on top of her chest, and pinched her forehead, as if a sharp pain had derailed her thoughts. “But before I go I swear I’ll find out who did this to you – to our little girl – and I’ll make them pay.” She kissed her again, “I love you.” Shepard went to leave and froze, seeing Benezia in the doorway. She glided through, her slacks and loose blouse shifting in the artificial air. Shepard swallowed hard and nodded, once. “Matriarch, I…”

“I heard you talking to her, Jane.” Benezia didn’t let Shepard answer, “Come here, dear girl.” Took her in her arms and did nothing more; held her as they both cried.


	24. Chapter 24

_“You find them, Jane, and you kill them.” Benezia had said, clutching her shoulders, cold blue eyes never leaving her own. Benezia had pressed Liara's Omni-tool into her hand, the tiny square just fitting in her palm. “Kill them for what they did to our daughters.” She had nodded, lips pressed into a thin, red, line._

_“Yes, Ma’am.”_

Shepard dug around in the closet, pulling out garments and belts in a flurry. She stepped over the growing pile and slid onto her belly, reaching into the dark abyss under the bed and grabbing her gun case. It dragged across the floor with a terrible, strangled sound. She piled it all in her arms, biceps shaking from the weight, and dumped it in the living room, organizing it into smaller piles: under armour, and armour, plates and clasps ready; gloves, boots, unlaced, scuffed; belts and harnesses, pouches and thermal clips; grenades, smoke bombs, her gun case.

She wasn't sad any more; buried that deep down, engaging the soldier in her heart. Had a mission now, couldn't let tears or softness get in the way. There would be time for feeling later, now was the time for action.

She methodically began to strip, replacing tank tops and jeans for tactical wear; replacing Jane with Shepard; civilian for Marine. Her eyes were hard, flint steel and cold. Her heart was slow; thump----thump----thump----

She stood, fully dressed and creaking, and pulled on her gloves, left her visor for last; had one more thing to ready.

She sat on the now empty couch and leaned over the metal case, imputing the code, the harsh, robot beeps of the buttons and the hissing unlatch the only sounds outside her regular breathing. _I'm coming for you_ , she thought, removing the protective cloth over her rifle, raising it and unlocking the rectangular shape; it sprang to life, lethal and ready. She loaded it and strapped it to her harness, following suite with her shotgun; left the sniper rifle in the case: wanted this to be up-close and personal. Wanted to see the son-of-a-bitch who killed her daughter bleed out at her feet. Finally she took her sidearm and nestled it snugly into its holster. She was ready.

 

She pounded on the townhouse door, forgetting that there could be a sleeping baby inside until it was too late. Aria flung it open, biotics swirling, "fucking-oh, Shepard. It's just you trying to wake my kid. Ever heard of the comm?" She opened the door wider and stepped aside, dripping water onto the pristine vestibule; thunder and lightning had returned to Serrice. "First the damn storm, now you. What do you want?" Aria was dressed in a baggy t-shirt - Jane's actually – and a skimpy pair of underwear, but looked wide-awake despite the late hour.

"Thea here?" Jane asked, shaking off her hair, "I need to ask her some questions."

"She's with Blue, you must have just missed her." Shepard slammed her fist down on the island counter and swore loudly. Liselle began to cry upstairs and she swore again.

Aria rolled her eyes and waited for the wail to die out, which it did, fading into sleepy whimpers.

"Look." She held out a holo: jumbled words and cypher, half decoded. "I got it off Liara's Omni-tool,"

"You snooped on your ex while she's in a coma? Low, Shep."

"Aria, just fucking read it, okay?" Aria glared, but did, eyes quickly scanning the text.

 

-START- _Vasir_ pFX8fU1TY-NLh4J@IDKNP7YYWDbX5Va%2CK_VdOJKG4-NL-3%25 _Cerberus_ R%25Von1KRHdT%2 _on Shepard didn’t work out_ 5YZbgZc3H%2CuKRH1ZH%2CLYcVbTH%2CSdOJKSSWdZfGM*%25QKNPc0Ga _Business District, tonight._ -NLc7XK8-NLhYY%2CK_5Zh9YX9- _T’Soni_ NL63J@IDKNP _Doctor can’t get in the way_ -c7XV-NLZ7Y% _Tevos can’tbe_ 2CKcKNP90KH%2CL8b1h%2CK_26d4aZSQdKRHcN%25Q0KRH1YH%2CLd5Rc%2CK_%252f8c%2CK_V71GM*2DcdOJKRWWdZfGM*%25VKNPRc%2CK_d12GM*8L01hGM*6OV _Find the files_ X2iJ@It1ZOJKXWVdKRHWG4-NL%25VJ@IDKNP97ZSOKNP2YY9-NLZ3X%2CK_i8iGM*UD7KRHbZ%25 _eliminate_ O5KRHaKSGKNPZc%2CK_g2hY7%25 _no option_ a NLZGM*6U8W9V57H%2CLD5Zb%2CK_2cOJKHWFVegVJ@IZZKRHXUH%2CL7c9J@IUZ _She has them_ V1GM*WYZbmGM*2Hdd27J@IEiKR _Killthem_ H1Z9H5%25OJKHbWKNP90KH%2CLgc7X%2CK_VcOJKGH%2CLg54 _Irissa_ 4Kj--END--

 

"It's-” Her eyes skimming down the garbled lines of text. “What the fuck?"

"My thoughts exactly. I think Liara was going to expose her. Call Thea. Get her to set us up a meeting. Call Bray; you're coming with me.”

Aria nodded, dialing and taking the stairs two at a time. “And grab your gun.”

 

“Ya, the scene with multiple shots fired. Yeah, techs are going over the place now.”

The lightning reflected off the glass surfaces – walls, windows, and coffee table: it was like Liara was keeping her life after Shepard sterile. Techs and Commandos milled about the place, crouched in corners, examining the floor where a pool of purple blood had congealed. Shepard didn’t look too hard at that.

“This area is sealed, please step back ma’am.”

“Earth Systems Alliance,” Shepard pushed by, the holo crime scene tape flashing and blaring at her.

“Let us through,” Aria glared. That, coupled with Jane’s rank, made the forensic team step back, shrugging. They returned to their work, ignoring the strapped and serious interlopers.

Looking around the apartment Shepard saw little traces of T'Soni; like footprints, breadcrumbs leading her back to her bondmate:

Prothean artifacts in glass cases, her PhD hung in a corner office - looked out of place not in _their_ place; bookshelves, papers, their old plush rug - _Where did she get that?_ \- a pair of her boots by the door, her jacket hung over a chair.  _She wasn’t preparing to die,_ Shepard thought, absently. _She was just coming home from work, making plans; no idea her minutes were numbered._

Shepard ran her hands along the counters: a cutting board left out, pots on the stove - the set her parents had gifted her, _so she leaned to feed herself finally._ Dirty dishes in the sink, not much: just a juice glass, a knife; a mug with coffee stains. That drew Jane’s eye to the coffee pot on the counter - not the one Aethyta and Benezia had given her, but a simple model. She actually smiled, disarming her for a moment, the mundane in this insane place of police tape and gore.

She walked up the open staircase, her heavy boots clunking the whole way, Aria on her heels. Liara’s loft bedroom was equally sparse, but felt warm thanks to the aquarium set in the wall over the bed.

 _A fish tank..._ Jane felt her heart squeeze, simultaneously warm and heavy. _She has a fish tank._ They had talked about getting one, before their life had gone to hell. The occupants swam contently, oblivious to the tragedy that had taken place metres from their watery home. She wondered if they had been fed; if Liara had purchased that outrageously expensive autofeeder. The bed: perfectly made. She imagined Liara sleeping there, curled up and dreaming. Saw her both lonely and content; her own space, her own rules. Thought about her touching herself there; thought about her with someone else there and gritted her teeth - knew it had happened, may happen again. _She’s not awake, Shep. Just cause you poured your heart out to her, that doesn’t change anything. She won’t even return your calls._ Had to straighten her spine and keep moving. There was a photo on her bedside table, not a portrait but a scene that looked like a dig site. Shepard picked it up and it flickered, causing her mouth to fall open and her forehead to wrinkle. _Oh Liara…_ it had changed to herself, laughing and smiling, sitting on a bench on campus, so long ago. A cold voice broke the spell and she hastily put the photo down, where it shifted back to what Jane assumed was Therum.

“Someone tried to kill your friend, Shepard.” Jane didn’t even have to look to know it was Tela standing below.

Her voice was smooth and husky, betraying the years her face hid so well. Pale skin, as pale as Liara, but it didn’t have the same glow; pallid markings, almost pink in their tone. _Beautiful, really_ ; but with Shepard’s predisposition to asari…

The Spectre turned on the leathered Commando, “Thank you Officer, your people are dismissed,”

“You can’t do that-”

“Already done.”

She indignantly stalked away, waving her team along. The apartment emptied out, leaving the three of them in peculiar, heavy silence, only the thunder to break the still air. Jane slowly came down the stairs, watching Tela; looking for tells.

“Tela Vasir, Special Tactics and Recon.” Vasir held her hand out to Shepard, who didn’t take it. Surveyed her with an unbreakable focus; was glad she had worn her armour. Wanted to intimidate – be on equal footing.

“So you’re the one Thea and Liara came to meet; so nice to finally meet you.” Aria’s voice drifted in from the kitchen, all sour notes and poison.

“Astute. You don’t keep her around just to warm your bed, do you, Lieutenant? Oh, yes, I know all about-”

“Did you forget whom you are talking to?” Aria joined them; tracked Vasir across the room, the whites of her eyes the only indication.

Tela stopped at the pool of Liara’s blood, stepping around it, careful to keep her boots clean. Looked pointedly at it – to the shattered glass - and back to the pair. “Cerberus is a dangerous enemy to have.” Shepard spied a fallen cardboard box: some kind of cookies, half of them stuck in the sticky mess. Jane made a fist, clenching and unclenching it; shaking.

“Yes, but you knew that, Vasir, didn’t you?” Shepard stepped into her space, stepped into the pool of blood; wouldn’t let her bully her. Wouldn’t let her use that anymore. _Liara is alive, you bitch; this is just a reminder of your failure, not of her death._

“You’ve had a rough few days, so I’ll let that slide. Why don’t you back up and we’ll talk like reasonable women?” Tela’s voice like candy sugar, condescending and sweet.

They began to circle each other, side stepping, eyes locked. Each wore the barest smirk, a ghost of the dance they were performing. Aria leaned on the wall, arms crossed; Shepard knew she would be on her in flash if the need arose. Knew better than to think Tela didn’t assume the same.

“I think we’re beyond that, aren’t we?” Shepard leaned back as well, crossing her arms and tilting her head to the side. Two predators, neither caving. “Listen, Vasir: we can do this all night; why’d you do it? Why’d you sell out the Council to work for Irissa’s interests?” Tela took it in stride, laughing and throwing her arms up; turning her back to them and gazing out into the night. _She doesn’t think we’re a threat at all,_ Shepard thought. _She’s an idiot._ Suddenly her blood boiled, this flippant, cocky, Council-appointed weapon made her skin crawl.

“You think I betrayed them? Go to hell! Irissa was the solid one, and she has given me damn good intel over the years.”

“Like the intel Blue had?-” Aria interrupted; Tela spoke over her:

“Intel that saved lives and kept the whole Citadel safe! So if she needs a few people to disappear, I’ll pay that price without hesitation!”

“Spectres don’t kill innocent people!” Shepard flared; pulled her rifle, lining Vasir up in the sights; she didn’t flinch. _They don’t kill children._

“Come on, Girl Scout, sure they do,” Aria pushed her way past Shepard, putting a hand on her armored chest and actually swinging her hips as she approached Vasir. “They get their hands dirty so the Council doesn’t have to.”

“Your fuck buddy is right, _Jane_ ,” she sneered, “They might complain about our methods to soothe their consciences, but they never look too closely. If they did they would have seen through Irissa as fast as your bondmates did-” Aria shot Shepard a look out of the corner of her eye, and put a bullet in Tela’s leg before either of them could move. Shepard’s jaw actually popped open as Vasir dropped to the ground, screeching and writhing in pain. Aria kicked her in the gut to keep her there. Jane laughed, stepped over her and looked down,

“You made a huge mistake, Vasir: you underestimated Aria T’Loak; mistook her nonchalance for indifference.”

“I’m nobody’s ‘ _fuck buddy_ ,’ you cunt,” Aria holstered her gun and went back to her place on the wall, actually checking under her nails for residue. Jane saw the tiniest glimmer of something in the Spectre’s eyes; _fear, Tela? Do you understand now what you’ve done?_

Vasir spat on her boot, visibly clenching her teeth against what Shepard knew was a painful, but not lethal, wound. Gave her credit for not clutching her leg as she pulled herself across the floor and to the wall of intact windows – _she knows how the game is played,_ she thought. “If your girlfriend had kept her nose out of it-” Shepard kicked her, mirroring Aria’s blow; same place, same force: just enough to make her cough. She set her jaw, staring down at her with murder in her eyes; _say one more thing,_ they screamed, _One. More._ It didn’t dissuade her. “I couldn’t very well kill the next Asari Councillor candidate, would be awfully suspicious with election time around the corner…” Jane shot the window next to her head, pocking it - spider webs creeping their way from the crater, all cracking ice: making her jump; making her drop the pistol she had been slowly unclipping from her belt. “So, it had to be T’Soni.” Shepard flared her nostrils, breathing heavily; strapped her rifle on her back and crouched down in front of her, lifting the Spectre to her feet by the collar of her chest plate. Aria took a step from the wall, a snake smile on her face as the bull that was Shepard began to bellow.

“You killed my daughter,” she spoke low and flat, eyes narrow slits, brows sharp. She began to squeeze, her hands around Tela’s neck now, eyes bulging and tongue lagging. Tela’s arms beat relentlessly on Shepard’s chest, but she didn’t stop, didn’t budge, stared straight into slowly dimming eyes; _Embrace Eternity, indeed, Tela,_ she thought, the moment dragging on and on, spittle flying onto pale skin. She realized it was her own: she was shrieking at her. Aria’s hand on her shoulder made her relinquish her hold, and Vasir slumped against the window, gasping and grasping at her throat. Aria slowly shook her head, holding up her hands.

“She wants to speak, let her speak, Shepard.” Her eyes told a different story: _we need her information; it will kill you if you don’t._ Tela began to laugh; hollow, wraith-like: like branches on a window, nails on rotted wood.

“Good; and I would have let Liara die too if _your_ damn bondmate hadn't shown up; maybe now she’ll learn not to-” Shepard lunged forward again - all red-muscled rage - and Aria just managed to hold her back. “I should have ignored Irissa’s orders and killed her too; two-for-one, oh wait, _three_ for one, if I count your unborn bastard-” Shepard roared, but Aria shoved her back, taking her place, eyes snapping black; wispy, electric energy dancing around her. Despite the ire she felt coming off her in waves, Shepard was surprised to see Aria approach Tela slowly, pressing into her space almost intimately, like a lover. Jane’s chest heaved, barely controlling; barely keeping her feet planted here, away from the neck she wanted to snap.

“Not bad, Spectre, but you listen to me: if you want to walk out of here two things are going to happen.” Like the lightning outside Aria hit before anyone saw her move, crashing the butt of her gun into Vasir’s face; broken jaw for sure. She grabbed her, by the face, purple fingers digging into shattered cheekbones and the dip below her eye socket; her pistol in her mouth now.

“Do you feel that, Tela? That’s death, only inches away. Remember this feeling… Okay, down to business. One: we get Irissa - enough to take her down. You’re finished - she’s finished.” Tela nodded, or rather, moved her head as much as she could. Shepard could hear her teeth grating along the barrel of Aria’s gun; made her skin prick. “Two: If anything happens to Thea, I will find you and I will kill you.” She spoke barely above a whisper, next to her cheek; sharing breath. “No one will see, no one will know; will think you skipped off-planet, got blown out an airlock, vanished. Got it?” Fear there now, in those eyes, wide and wet. Aria pulled her Carnifex out of Tela’s mouth and dropped her hand from her face. “Leave. Get out of here. You're going to have to find a new line of work: that leg'll never work properly again, and you can count dancer out after what I did to your face.” Vasir coughed; spit dryly, one side of her face slack and drooping. Nothing beautiful about her now. She spoke, parch throated: defiant, staring right into Aria’s obsidian eyes.

“Don’t you dare judge me. Don’t you-“

Aria shrugged, rolled her eyes and shot the barrel of her gun to Tela’s forehead in one shrewd motion; “Yah, I changed my mind-” she didn’t get a chance to fire: Shepard put a hole in the side of her head before Aria’s finger could twitch, her own sidearm smoking. Vasir crumpled to the ground, boneless, a trickle of blood seeping down her cheek, her eyes dull and staring. Aria arched her neck, stepping back and out of the way of the falling body.

“Fucking bitch,” Shepard mumbled, patting her body down and taking out a small data chip and tucking it into one of her belt pouches. Didn’t feel relief, or retribution, or justice. Didn’t feel anything; nothingness. She spun on Aria, grabbing her by the leather and lifting her off the ground, snarling. “You almost cost me everything, T’Loak; you almost did it yourself,” Aria grinned, nonplussed, Vasir’s blood splattered over her face. “-Don’t you-can’t you-see- _I_ had to do it. _Me_. For Liara… for my baby-”

“That’s close enough, Shepard…” Aria’s toes dragged on the ground and she began to laugh, swatting at Shepard’s arms, reaching out and pulling her closer, her fingers digging into her cheeks.

“Why are you laughing?” Demanding; shouting.

“Oldest trick in the book, Shep. My Omni-tool was on, recorded the whole goddamn thing.”

She kissed her fiercely, smearing the Spectre’s lifeblood over her features. Shepard dropped her collar and grabbed her around the waist, Aria’s feet dropping to the ground as Jane pushed her against the glass, desperate to find a chink in her armor; a way in. They pulled at clasps and belts and Jane heard the ripping of fabric; Aria slapped her, slack-jaw staring at the torn sleeve of her jacket. Shepard growled, pushed her wrists against the pane, encircling them in one large hand and ripping one glove off the other with her teeth. She kissed down her neck, hand trailing down her flat stomach, dipping into the front of Aria’s pants, the fit tight, barely enough room to move. She was oil-slick wet and Shepard stared at her, all solider-sturdy seriousness. Aria raised one eyebrow marking, “What can I say, Shepard: violence gets me wet.” Like the storm outside they clashed, vicious, turbulent, rough. Lips never leaving skin, hands never drifting too far from pinched nipples and delicious curves, Jane fucked her against the window, short and hard and fast. Aria shuddered and soaked her hand, her face pressed into her neck; and Jane came alongside her: her azure, her harsh, one syllable cries, her wild, bucking movements enough; vengeance – violence - enough. She removed her hand and Aria licked Shepard’s fingers clean, making her shiver, making her stomach clench with desire. She kissed her again, not sated; enraged and enflamed.

“Come on, let’s go.”

“Think Blue will still want to live here, after, I mean?”

“Aria-“ Aria raised her brow,

“Lots of memories, at least…”

“Aria, fuck off. I’m in no mood.”

“Now, now, Shepard. Gonna yell at me again? That gets me wet too.” Jane growled as Aria slapped her ass, not feeling it through her armor, but imagining the stinging pleasure. Aria tapped a number into her Omni-tool, as they exited, not bothering to close the door; nothing left here but bad airs and death. Shepard never wanted to see the place again. “Bray, bring Liselle to the hospital and get your ass over to T’Soni’s. I have a mess for you to clean up.” Shepard raised her eyebrows at her, watching her out of the corner of her eye.

“And where are we going?”

“Home, Shepard. I’m going to fuck you senseless.” Shepard dared to grin; _well I do have to drop off my armour._ “I told you, violence gets me wet.” 


	25. Chapter 25

The rain continued to fall.

Liara hadn’t woken up.

Shepard sat next to her bed, numb. Staring at the wall; staring at her face. Her beautiful face, now little more than a death mask. Thunder rumbled again as the storm pelted the window – the very sky mourning her. Trying to drown Jane in her own misery; penance for her faults in all of this. She blinked a few slow times, clearing her eyes. She hadn’t been out of the chair in days, every moment at home endless, every night sleepless until she shuffled back into this chair and passed out staring. Sleep a vacuum state of tranquility, the only she found. Every moment awake, plummeting stomach, reliving Tela’s death, over and over. A full, satisfied, spike of crimson-tainted joy knowing she was dead; didn’t feel bad. Didn’t feel a thing for the woman. But the act itself, the reaction it awoke in her: the thrill of it, taking Aria against the window… She had never felt so electrified, so fuelled, so alive; cables in her veins, live wires in her limbs, black-hearted need and fire. She felt sick; felt disgusting, all clotted yellow and drawn out. Wanted to feel that way again; to reach that peak again.

_No wonder she doesn’t want me; who would want this?_

A murderer.

Aria had fulfilled her promise, and the sex had been incredible. Blood-boiling, skin-searing passion on damp sheets, marking them with blood - both Tela's and their own; slow, smoldering desire, earth-shattering and clawing in the shower until the water ran cold; on the island in the kitchen, glassware and papers torn asunder. Shepard was covered in bruises, in scratches; in Aria. Marked by Vasir. It was electric and terrifying, the effect it had on her, and Aria had clung to her side since, insatiable and dreadful. 

She didn’t recognize herself in the mirror anymore; stopped looking.

She couldn’t take a full breath, her lungs full of the grief her heart had felt days ago. Her heart: walking on broken glass; every face a ghost: Tela’s, in death. Aria’s, as she came against the window, flecked with blood, smeared with another’s life. Her own, sunken and haggard. She wanted to scream until she lost her breath.

She sighed, running a calloused palm over her face, the prickly, rough feeling nice on her skin. Stark and brittle.

A snippet of an old song in her head: ‘ _Fell awake into this war state, nothing to recognize… the stars are gleaming, my heart is screaming: Run faster to make it out alive.’_

 _Run,_ her brain screamed: _run. If she ever wakes up she doesn’t need the toxic, black, bullshit that follows you like an affliction._

She tapped her foot rhythmically on the floor, her finger on the armrest; rapid synchronicity.

Made up her mind.

Shepard rose, placed a kissed on Liara’s clammy forehead – long and soft – and another on her lips – they were cold – and went home.

 

Aria placed her hand over the sensor and the door slid open. She sauntered down the short hall and bumped her hip into Jane’s where she stood next to the island, signing datapads with her thumbprint. “Hello, gorgeous,” she kissed her neck but Shepard pulled away; wouldn’t look at her. Aria laughed and opened the fridge, pulling out a jug of juice and chugging. Shepard stared at her, and blinked quickly. Aria put the juice back and gave her a quizzical look, chin up and forehead smooth. “What’s eating you?” She flicked one datapad off the counter and headed up the hall, stripping off her jacket and unclipping her corset as she went. Shepard closed her eyes,

“Shit.”

Shepard came through the door slowly, hesitantly – hiding behind the frame for a moment. Aria was frozen in the middle of the room, cardboard boxes and small shipping containers around her, walls bare, furniture gone save the bed. Jane could see the tension in her back and took a long breath in, trying to prepare herself.

“What the fuck is this?” She didn’t turn around but Jane could picture her face: sideways mouth, sharp teeth and fire. “You were just going to leave?”

“Aria-“ She took the last step into the room, reaching out to touch her; Aria spun,

“You were just going to fuck off? Fucking typical,” her features pinched in; knew she was actually wounded, raised voice betraying her; distress masking as anger – brokenhearted rage. She was so transparent to her now; loved her so.

“I can’t do this anymore, Aria. I can’t. It’s changing me, who I am.”

Aria bit her tongue in her cheek, sat on the edge of the bed, bare chested and glowering. She stared at her from under her eyelashes for a long time. “It’s not you, Aria, it’s me; who I am becoming.” Jane sat next to her on the bed, legs touching.

“Don’t bullshit me. I know my reputation; I run roughshod over most people, Shepard;” so much in that simple sentence. “And don’t give me the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ talk.” She flicked her in the ear, hard. Shepard flinched and clutched her earlobe. Aria wrapped her hand over Jane’s, ran it along her cheekbones, her chin. Shepard saw her fingers trembling, felt them flutter on her face, eyes low and grey. Aria turned, draped her legs over Shepard’s lap, and pressed their forehead’s together - so much like the first time they had lain together - and she took in those violet eyes; pale, cold. Wonderful and gentle.

“I can’t live this torn life: you, her…” She looked away; wouldn’t cry. “I’ve got to start over.”

She thought of where they had come from, of where they had gone together; the hot-mingled resignation and heartbreak slicing her chest open, sparking like a bonfire.

They had clashed together, unexpected, unbidden. Wasn’t supposed to happen, wasn’t supposed to hurt so much. Shepard considered herself lucky that she had survived _this_ shipwreck, this crash-landing. Survived Aria T’Loak’s love.

She didn’t regret it. _I’m not sorry I met you. Every part of me is streaked with you._

“I really did love you, Aria. I just- we can’t; never again.”

“Shepard…” Aria kissed her, desperate and heated, a sob hitching in their throats, hands on jawlines and lips tingling. “Jane.” Tenderly now; like goodbye, all over again. Shepard tasted Eezo, and charcoal, and leather on her skin; closed her eyes against it, cupping her cheek still. _I’ll never forget that taste; how you taste, how you smell, that look. What you felt like inside of my body and my soul._ “Go,” Aria croaked, and she rose, clasping her corset and taking her jacket, slipping it over her shoulders.   
“Aria, will you be-?”

She paused in the doorway, arms folded, ankles crossed, tilted as always. “Never better, Shepard. See you around.” She looked lost for a moment, suddenly the Maiden she had glimpsed in her mind - more Aleena than Aria, while she bit her lip; worrying the dark stripe that Shepard loved.

“Jane? I-”

_I love you._

“I know.”

“We had a good run.”

“The best.”

_‘…walked away from this crash landing, the last one standing; the first one down…’_

 

 

The voices were fuzzy, echoing like she was underground; she vaguely wondered if she had fallen asleep at her desk again and her coworkers were debating how to wake her. _No, that is not right… My chest hurts. My whole body hurts; is that my father?_

Her eyelids fluttered, and she groaned, all anesthetic and phlegm. 

“Shepard?” Mumbling, reaching out, feebly.

 

 

_“Citadel council polls open tomorrow amidst the scandal involving the stepping down and subsequent arrest of former Councilor Irissa Tevos. Ms. Tevos has been accused of money laundering, conspiracy, conspiracy to commit murder, and attempted murder; as well as allegations of insider trading and investment fraud. In light of recent events, the Turian and Salarian councillors have also opened their positions to opponents, but are expected to run unopposed._

_Newcomer, but favourite for the asari position, Thea Tevos has been confirmed to be Irissa Tevos' sister; political analysts do not expect this connection to hinder Ms. Tevos' chances._

_Involved party Council Spectre Tela Vasir is missing and presumed on the run. The public is urged to avoid approaching Vasir, but report any sightings to C-Sec._

_In other news, the human colony of Akuze has officially opened, with an Alliance presence watching over the burgeoning settlements for the next year to ensure a smooth transition. 2 nd Lieutenant Jane Shepard is here with us today, via comm link, to report on the progress so far-”_

 

Liara stared, watched that pale and familiar face, so surreal. She abruptly turned away; it still hurt too much to look at her. Her hospital room was blissfully empty, with her parents sent back to their hotel – as her apartment was still officially a crime scene; one Liara never wanted to set foot in again – Aria on Omega, reeling silently and brooding fiercely over the loss of Shepard, and Thea busy making last-minute campaign pleas. She shifted in the bed, all creaking vertebrae and restless legs.

Her heart was empty. Could still feel Jane’s presence in the room; had heard every word she spoke, in her underwater and near-death state. It came back to her in flashes, in dreams, in that blissful place when the pain medication hit her veins. But Jane had fled; disappeared into the stars. _So easy to get lost up there,_ Liara thought, gazing out the window. She couldn’t see anything but black sky and light pollution, but she imagined Shepard out there doing what she did now; what Liara knew she had been born to do. _How one person could affect us all so…_

Liara adjusted her bed and curled into herself, wrapping her arms around her middle, warming the place where her child had been; nestled and unformed, but theirs. One tear leaked down her cheek and she let it fall on the thin hospital pillow, knew she would move past this pain in time. Tried not to chastise herself for feeling. She dozed until the flickering blue of the vid screen made it impossible to sleep. Sighing, she rolled over, wincing, and opened the tray table next to the bed, reaching in for the remote. Her hand hit something small and metallic and she knew what it was before she pulled it out. The gold band gleamed in the light of the vid screen and she wrapped it in her fingers. _Come back to me, Jane Shepard._

 

_‘…gets a little brighter when you find a fighter, in a face as dim as the setting sun.’_

 

 

Shepard stared down at the Omni-tool, setting the box of supplies in the dirt. The settlers paused, mid step, with her - waiting for her to finish her sentence. She excused herself and walked to a secluded outpost building, leaning against the metal frame, lodged between two containers of food.

_She’s awake._

She closed her eyes; _is this what it felt like, Liara? No wonder you shut down._

Wished she could repent.

Harris came up behind her, clasping her on the back, “Shep, ready for chow?” She smiled, nodded.

 

_‘This is how the West was won.’_

 

_We should have tried harder._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Absolutely did NOT write the lyrics (in italics in the chapter) for the excerpts from this song. The copyright for this great tune is as follows: 
> 
> Songwriters  
> STOCKWOOD, KIM/DOYLE, DAMHNAIT/MACLEAN, TARA  
> Published by  
> Lyrics © EMI Music Publishing, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner/Chappell Music, Inc., BMG RIGHTS MANAGEMENT US, LLC


	26. Interlude

**Two years later**

“Auntie, why do you have to go?” Liselle pouted, legs dangling off the stool, oversized for her short limbs. Liara, busy with kettle and cups, looked over her shoulder and smiled.

“I will be back, Liselle,” tipped her head to the side and stuck her tongue out at her, quickly, before turning back to the counter. The girl giggled, pushing her fingers along the island, doodling imaginary lines and tapping her toy pistol on the edge.

“Mom says not for a long time; like months and months and years…” She frowned. Liara poured water over tea bags and sighed, facing her and leaning against the counter. “Maybe never.” Liara laughed, shaking her head.

“I will be back, Lissy, and the time will go faster than you think,” she crossed the aisle and stood across from her, elbows on the island. “You will be in school and have so many new friends you will not even know I am gone.”

“Yes I will,” quiet, but scowling; Liara sometimes forgot just how much of Aria was in her.

“Tell you what: every planet I land on – every dig site I find – I will send you back something, okay?” Liselle’s eyes lit up, and she nodded, quickly.

“Okay,” she was off her perch in an instant, long, colt-legs carrying her to Liara’s side in a moment, wrapping her arms around her legs in a tight hug. Liara laughed again and hugged her back, freeing her to be on her way when she began to squirm. As she added milk and honey to one tea, sugar to the other, she thought of a similar conversation, just weeks before; smiled at the mother-daughter synchronicity.

_“I miss archeology, Thea. I truly do.” Liara and Thea at the same counter, drinking wine and picking at salads neither really wanted to eat._

_“You’re not running away, from Serrice, from… Jane?” Tevos took another sip, looking at her friend and shrugging lightly. Liara nodded, swallowing. She laughed, a little too loudly, a little too quickly. It sounded hollow even in her own ears._

_“No. I am not. I spent two years in the same apartment waiting for her, and then two more on the same campus trying to forget her. Not to mention the hellish year and-Goddess, too long – while Aria-” almost said ‘fucked her under my nose.’ Blushed;_ she did rub off on me _…_

_“You’ll be gone a long time.” Liara smiled._

_“Ah ha, Thea, the true heart of the matter,” had risen and refilled their glasses, dumping their salads, “and you’ll miss me?”_

_“Of course.” Hands in her own. “You’re my best friend,” Thea twitched one corner of her mouth up in a sad smile; they sat in silence for a long while, both lost in thought. She raised her glass, “well, to your flourishing archeology career. Again.” The glasses clinked and they drank; were drunk she suddenly realized._

_“I did not like you very much when I first met you, did you know that? I believe you intimidated me.”_

_Tevos had laughed and hugged her ardently. “I will miss you Liara.”_

 

_“In a rare move, the Citadel Council has just passed a motion to wave all illegal activity in Terminus space; the first amendment to the laws of Council Space in over a hundred years._

_Jarlow Lorius, council reporter, has this to say:”_ The shot changed to a sallow-skinned amphibian, standing outside the staging area; Tevos sighed and turned up the volume as Liselle came rocketing into the den, waving a plastic gun around and making pew-pew noises. Her daughter climbed onto the couch, draping over her lap upside down, one eye shut as she aimed at her head. “Liselle…” A warning. She dropped the gun and snuggled in, thumb in her mouth and head on her chest. Thea wrapped her arm around her and held her close; this age was trying but wonderful.

“Auntie Liara is gonna send me things,”

“Oh, is she? Good.” Tevos smiled and kissed her softly before turning back to the screen.

 _“Thank you, Dianna; the problem with this law is the clear bias Councillor Tevos has shown. Her bondmate, notorious crime boss and so-called Queen of Omega Aria T’Loak, stands to benefit greatly from this change in etiquette. The Terminus Systems have long been unofficially outside Council rule, and this has historically cast a shadow over Councillor Tevos’ time in office, but this screams nepotism.”_ Thea muted the report; _there it is, the fallout we’ve been waiting for,_ she thought, leaning her chin down into her daughter’s crest. Liara came through the door with mugs of hot tea and perched on the arm of the couch. “Dr. Tevos. _Doctor_ ,” Thea complained. “Why does no one remember I have a PhD?”

“Well, at least they did not bring up Liselle,” Liara handed her a mug, nodding at the dozing girl.

“They did remember me,” Aria poked her head in the door, grinning. “I was watching upstairs.” Tevos rolled her eyes. “I liked it better when the biggest scandal was me and you fuc-“

“Aria-“ Thea and Liara spoke as one, eyes wide and in the direction of Liselle. Aria flippantly waved them away, snatching Thea’s tea and leaning on the doorframe, sipping it. “Do they not realize this law has been on the docket for fifty years? Ever since the batarians cried racism over the slavery trade? There is no ulterior-“

Aria froze, mug halfway to her face, eyes narrowing; “Well goddamnit. T’Soni, turn that back on.”

“Aria, I was-“ Thea moved Liselle off her lap and onto the couch proper, the girl stirred but didn’t wake, thumb still stuck in her mouth.

“Now!” Liara did as asked and the screen blared at them.

 _“Breaking news: the Earth Systems Alliance has announced that a squadron of Marines investigating the disappearance of the human colony on Akuze has been reported killed in action. No bodies have been recovered. More details as they come. The Alliance withdrew from Akuze last year after-“_ Liara stared at the television, _Akuze. Akuze? Is that not where-no, the she was reposted-_ Thea leaned over her knees, biting her lip; Aria stood stalk still; Liara’s hand had drifted to her mouth, covering the silent look of shock; all waiting.

“It can’t- they haven’t said anything yet-“ Thea looked from Aria to Liara, calm voiced despite paling cheeks. “There are millions of Alliance soldiers-the odds that…”

A scrolling list of names was running across the bottom of the screen – so many names, dozens of names - and Liara’s heart pulled tight in her chest. She looked to Aria; who wore a stern façade of sneering apathy.

_…Roone, J. Doherty. F. Smith, S. Noles, G. Frankel…_

“No, you are right, I am sure,” Liara cleared her throat. _Shepard_ ; constant, like the coming of winter, or the sunrise, you could set your watch to the number of times she crossed their minds, even now, but the reverberation of Shepard – that was something they rarely discussed; had left them all flayed. It seemed to have scorched them black like a wildfire. Only now, after so many days and nights and remembering and forgetting and bitter anger and forgiveness and callousness, was the forest coming back to life; the soil fertile again. Life had gone on.

_…C. Toombs, K. Alenko, M. Foote, T.…_

The names on the screen were unfamiliar to her; _but you barely knew anything about that life she led, Liara,_ she reminded herself. _Were too busy feeling sorry for yourself and freezing her out;_ and like a snowflake it had melted away. But the memories and scars were still there, just under her skin as a reminder.

 _…T. Harris, D. Hanks, T. Torenti, J. Shepard…_ Aria closed her eyes, slowly, clutching the handle of the mug so hard it snapped. The fallen tea splashed her boots and the arm of the couch, but no one paid heed; Liara was howling. A long, low moan, that seemed to come from her toes, gathering strength as it went – all the brittle, sun-starved emotions she had buried manifesting as it climbed, through the pit the her stomach, round her heart, and escaped. Liselle woke with a start and looked from her mother to Liara; at her father. Aria turned on her heels and left the room. Thea heard the sound of ceramic on metal, crumbling; thrown down in the sink where it shattered.

 

Life had gone on.

But she hadn’t. Not really.

Oh, she had lived, of course; teaching, eating, drinking, laughing, letting the sun warm her face, loving, but… Liara unlocked her door, surprised herself with the calm she felt now. Had a feeling that the real emotions were lurking like a shadow in the corner of her mind, waiting to spring on her in the dark of another deserted night, when she was most vulnerable and alone.

_A week after Jane had left she had been released from the hospital, the ring close to her heart, on a chain. A month later she had stopped expecting a call._

_An empty bed, no surprise, so used to it after Shepard, after Riliah, but the slow realization that she wasn’t coming back, that she wasn’t going to have a chance to fix it this time, that surprised her – hit her like a tidal wave one day walking through campus; that she was never going to see her again, sitting on a bench, laughing with Aria, waltzing through her classroom door, all sideway grins and cocky swagger._

 

She pressed her hand to the music player on the wall, scrolling through the list until she found the listing she was looking for. Liara sat back down and let Jane’s voice flood her senses. In the quiet she closed her eyes and listened, really listened, to every note she had written, every clear note sung. Stung. Could never forget the sound of her voice.

 

 _Two, three, four months; she began to forget the way she smelled. Strange: felt worse knowing she was out there, living, breathing,_ choosing _not to come back._ She gave you your chance.

 _Had packed her bag a hundred times, ready to fly out the door to Akuze_ ; just find her, _her heart whispered._ Follow her _. Never did. Liara couldn’t bring herself to face her; see the hurt, the anger that must be there. Face her own shame._

_At six months she had stopped reading reports about Akuze. It was as if Jane had died a long time ago, her presence everywhere, but percolating now instead of drowning in her. Haunting them like a rogue winter wind on dark nights; galloping in on sunny days, a small girl with green eyes and a loud laugh snapping Liara to attention, standing numb with her shopping basket on her arm. Making her heart feel like it was stitched together with fishing line and someone was on the other end of the reel._

_Listened to her music too often._

_A year came and went and she had removed the ring and placed it in her underwear drawer, occasionally pausing when pulling out a bra, looking at it; often smiling._

Then today, it had all come thundering back. Dead. Gone.

 _If I could go back, change one thing, I would, Shepard. If you can hear me, if you can somehow perceive me as I did you, know that. Goddess I loved you so. Can you hear me, Shepard? Are you here?_ Vaguely wondered how Aria was; the only other person in the galaxy who was feeling as she was. Liara opened her Omni-tool, watched as tears dropped onto her screen; noticed she was crying, sitting in her darkened living room, alone.

_I still miss her every day._

…

_Do you?_

**_You want to talk feelings you have my bondmate’s contact._ **

_Aria. I know you loved her._

**_I always will._ **

_Always._

_…_

_I forgive you. Her._

_…_

**_How kind of you, Blue._ **

_…_

**_Liara, of course I miss her._ **

They had come so far, and yet her she was, mourning Jane Shepard, again, alone.

 

Tevos woke suddenly, as if pulled from a dream. She couldn’t remember dreaming, and couldn’t understand the suddenness of her waking, until she heard Aria. She was sitting on the side of the bed, leaned over with her head in her hands. Thea could see the expanse of purple skin glowing in the dark; could count the vertebrae in Aria’s spine when she drew in a trembling breath and let it out in a choked gasp. She was sobbing, deep, shuddering gasps shaking her frame. Thea had only seen her cry a handful of times… She seemed to realize Tevos was watching her before she even sat up; she reached out and stroked her wife’s back, “Darling…”

“Fucking Shepard; fucking pain in my ass,” she began to cry harder. “Twice. She did it twice. I’m a T’Loak. I don’t cry, especially over a skinny-assed, human, fucking…” Thea moved to her, pressed her own naked breasts into her back, kissing her shoulder blade and pressing her head into her neck.

Aria hadn’t spoke, had smashed the dish in the sink and stalked upstairs; once Liara had been under control Thea had found her, pacing and furious. Had stripped her of leather and metal and taken her to bed; tried to comfort her the way she knew she needed. She had fallen asleep in her arms, sated, but not restored.

“I have to return to the Citadel soon – we could make a stop, try to find her body-”

Aria stiffened, the muscles in her back tensing, her jaw like a trap.

“Thea, I-“ Looked over at her, naked and raw. “She was- but, you: You are my heart.”

“Shush, Aria; I know how much you-“

“-Loved her?” Laughed, harshly.

 _‘I always will.’_ What she hasn’t sent to Liara - couldn’t admit outside her head - _She plagues me; I can still taste her on my tongue. I still feel her under my skin; how can I forget? There are reminders everywhere I look._

Aria opened her mouth to say something, Thea just shook her head; knew it was a different depth; Aria’s love for Shepard swam deep, dark and swirling, yet still almost equal to the love she found for herself in her heart; a heart not as concrete as the world thought. Not just anger in her soul. Thea cradled her while she wept, Aria’s tears running down her chest, her shaking body warm and soft.

“No one is going to bring her back this time.”

“No.”

 

Liara was packing her office when the broadcast came in.

_The Systems Alliance has released information regarding the disappearance on Akuze. A single survivor has been recovered from the sight of the massacre. Newly promoted Lieutenant Commander Jane Shepard is listed as in critical condition at Huerta Memorial._

Dropped the book in her hand and sagged into her chair with a whoosh of air, numb. “Shepard…”


	27. Chapter 27

“You’re still going?”

“Of course.”

Liara clipped a hardcase closed, her survey equipment safe within. Aria had let herself into the apartment uninvited, but Liara reasoned it was too late to change the keypad now; soon it would no longer be her apartment.

“Just postpone your bleeding sabbatical,”

“I could. But I will not.”

“You could-“ Liara sighed, turning from the bed, where equipment and clothing was strewn in a hasty pile,

“Aria, do not. Do not bring her into this, back into our lives. Besides, _you_ could just as easily go to her. I do not see you hopping a transport to the Citadel.”

“And how do you know I am not planning on leaving with Thea – both my girls in one place, I couldn’t get any luckier.” Liara raised one brow marking, thin-lipped. Stared at her with barely disguised disbelief.

Aria glowered. Had no answer except for a flick of her wrist and a swagger as she left the room, swearing loudly. She stomped back in a moment later,

“No, you know what? I’m not going to let this slide. Do you really relish the prospect of Jane Shepard and I alone together?” She sat on the bed, shoving Liara’s things aside; a pickaxe clattered to the floor and Liara bent to pick it up.

“I am simply pointing out that you have the same opportunity-“

“-Blue, take a hint. I’m leaving the playing field wide open here, okay?” Aria idly picked up some tool – one she had no idea the purpose of – and twirled it in her long fingers. Liara put her hands on her hips, watching her.

“While I appreciate the gesture, I guess, I do not need your charity. If I wanted to see _Jane Shepard_ I could have, for two years I could have. So why do you not just go and take her; you always have. Taken what you wanted.” She stalked into the bathroom, gathering toiletries. Wished she could pack in peace for once in her life; _just once. Leisurely, with a cup of tea and all the time in the world. Take a bath and say goodbye to my apartment without someone here disrupting._ Came back into the room waving a toothbrush at Aria, who had dug through her pile and fished out a suspect cylindrical tool; one of a different kind. Aria turned it on and it began to buzz; waved it at her. Liara blushed indigo and hastily grabbed the vibrator from her, shutting it off and putting her hand to her forehead; unfortunately the hand that held said tool.

“That’s not where that usually goes, Blue…” Aria snorted fished around some more, “What else do you have in here you minx?”

Liara mumbled, “-gone a long time; will be alone-I am a woman-I have needs…” Sibling rivalry of the strangest fashion, not born but bred from familiarity; Aria clicked her tongue, the silence eating at her. Liara’s lack of fire flaming her own. “She doesn’t want me, Blue. If she wanted me she wouldn’t have freaked out and fucked off into the Milky Way, or wherever the hell she went. She would have cooled her jets and gotten her head back on straight and come back to my bed – where, yes, I would have been waiting, with open le-“

“Arms, I assume.” Liara clicked her tongue back at her,

“You’re quite the comedian today,” Aria glared. “It was you she was all fucked up about; _we_ had a good thing going.” Liara stammered something under her breath, shoving spare gloves and bandanas into her carry-on alongside the toothbrush. The vibrator she hastily stuck under a pile of neatly folder underwear. _Jane always laughed at me for this,_ she thought. _‘Do we really have to fold panties, Li? They’re just going to get crumpled and wrinkled – or ruined.’ Had winked; had done her very best to ruin her underwear._ Liara sighed,

“Do you think I do not want to go to her? I just-I cannot face another disappointed or angry face.” Miranda wouldn’t talk to her; forgive her for… _everything._ Thea thought she was fleeing, running away, scared; her mother was having a conniption over her leaving the University, again… “All I want to do is get back to my roots, Aria. The only thing that has ever really sparked my interest.”

“Jane Shepard is the only thing that has ever sparked your interest.” _Go home, Aria; to your bondmate and daughter. Leave me alone with the Aftermath of Shepard._

Aria stood, suppressing the urge to throw all of her things off the bed out of spite. “You’re an idiot for someone so fucking smart; how many times does the Universe have to give her back to you before you take her?” Liara could feel the ire building in her; a pyre. Did not really want to be the torch that set it aflame. _The more we love the more we burn,_ she thought, futilely. “How many times-“

“She does not want me either, Aria,” she snapped, finally. Aria stopped; silent. Liara felt a sort of smug pride – had never halted Aria before. “She did not come back; she has been alive this whole time, I remind you, and she did not come back here, to me. For me. As you so eloquently put it, ‘I can ‘take a hint’.”

 

The dust flew around them, the hot air of engines making it swirl and twirl around. “I’ll be out of comm range some of the time, so do not worry. I’ll send word somehow, but just-“

“I’ll keep an eye out for Shepard,” Liara stopped herself from rolling her eyes,

“Thea, you should not-“ Thea hugged her tight and kissed the corner of her mouth, cutting her off.

“Be safe. Find lots of old things.” Liara laughed, giving Liselle a final squeeze when Thea released her. Nodded at Tevos over her shoulder.

“Take care of your mother, Lissy.” Liselle hopped down from her arms and smiled,

“I will. And Dad?”

“Yes, well, I think your father can take care of herself,” she sighed. “But yes, of course.”

“And you’ll send my stuff?”

“Of course,” she replied with grave importance. “You’re my intern now; I expect reports when I get home.” She winked at Tevos, who took Liselle’s hand. The girl nodded, solemnly.

“Okay. Can Mom help?” Liara laughed and picked up her bag while mercs and other passengers passed them, boarding. Felt like she was in one of Jane’s old ‘Westerns,’ the train’s whistle blowing, the damsel demure and stoic. _The only thing missing is an ‘all aboard.’_

“Goodbye. I’ll be back soon.”

 

“M’m fine, God. Get these things off of me. I’m not an invalid.” Shepard tore the heart monitors off her bandaged chest, the machines screeching their harpy cries as she did. She swung her legs over the side of the bed, trying not to outwardly wince. Every bone in her body hurt, every inch of skin seemed covered in black and blue reminders of her fight or flight, but she was blissfully alive. _Breathing,_ she thought, _not dragged under the surface, screaming- teeth and tentacles, and-_ “Anderson, where is Anderson? Those things… I need to speak to him; they have to know about those things.” The nurse shook her head, impatiently, annoyed;

“Commander, you are not fine. You have internal bleeding and multiple fractures to your-“ Jane slumped to the ground when she tried to stand, cursing and face planting, half under the bed. “Legs…”

“Laugh it up, Nightingale. Help me up; and then get me some crutches. I need to see the rest of my squad. We have to warn the Alliance about those things.” Her nurse paled, but lifted her to her feet; _stronger than she looks,_ Shepard thought as the room spun slightly. “What year is it?”

“You asked me that yesterday; you were out for a little over a week, and that is why you must rest, please, Jane. Just stay in bed, I do not want to have to warn the night nurse about escapees. Again.” Shepard smirked a little, but did as she was told; her ribs were on fire, now that she thought about it _._ “Here,” she leaned over to adjust the blankets and pillows and deftly upped the pain dose before Jane’s fingers could reach out and stop her.

“Oh, that’s low…” She mumbled, the foggy warmth spreading up her arm and into her head. “And I’m only a Commander because- all I did- was not die. Jesus.” Began to drift off; tried to fight it, tried so hard. Didn’t want to go to that place of death and screams again; not again. Every time she slept… “Didn’t die. Again.”

 

 _She was dreaming fever dreams. Aria, on top of her, in the back of the transport she took to Azuke – the bulkheads and shipping containers giving their cries a sharp, metallic ring. The world was hazy; tainted fog had seeped in, somehow. As she thrust into her, all warmth and sweat and breasts and flexing thighs, Aria leaned down over her, took her in a bruising kiss. Shepard realized she was wearing her full tactical armour, despite the intimate relations; Aria took the rim of her chest plate in her gloved hands and dragged her up to a sitting position, eyes black with the meld. “Let’s give them a show, Shepard,” she breathed, and Jane turned her head, saw hundreds of people surrounding them, filling the cargo bay with shuffling feet and glassy, dead eyes; dolls eyes. Liara was standing amongst them, not moving, just staring._ Be brave _, she heard Liara speak, without moving her lips, eyes locked on her own. She startled and flinched, tried to shake Aria off her, but the monster riding her was no longer asari; her lips, splitting and stretching, elongating into terrible, sharp pinchers – pinchers that were clicking shut with a keen, edged sound; pinchers made to shear heads from shoulders. Coming closer to her. Purple tongue, growing, lolling down her naked chest, the pointed end resting near her navel, dripping acid onto Shepard’s thighs with a hiss; changing colour to a toxic electric blue. Liara, reaching out to her, whispering:_ Don’t be afraid: I will not let anything take you away from me.

She had fled her dreams by morning.

When she woke again it was daylight. Her nurse was back, looked well rested, was wearing pink scrubs now. Jane groaned, closed her eyes again. The pain was back; all of it. “I have to go to them, where are they?” Had to see Alenko and Noles, who had seen what she had seen. Had to make sure Toombs and Harris were okay. “Get me Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams on a vid call, please, Lynda.” The nurse took a long breath in through her nose, scrutinizing Shepard. “Please.”

“I’ll try my best; in the meantime, eat your eggs.”

“They’re powdered,” she screwed her nose up, pushing herself up and pushing them around on the plastic plate.

“Eat.”

“She likes her eggs fried, poached even,” Lynda spun; Shepard dropped her fork, face going slack, eyes opening, almost bugging out. “Liara?”

Liara stood in the doorway; she had traded her pencil skirts and blouses for khaki pants with too many pockets and a simple vest, but it was she. She smiled, timid eyes, fluttering hands clasping behind her back. _So much like the first._

“Shepard.”


	28. Chapter 28

“Liara, what are doing here?” _Oh my God…_ “Are you okay?”

Liara laughed, despite her jitters; her nervous energy palpable to Jane even from where she lay reclined. “

“I am fine,” _She’s worried about me… even still._ Shepard pushed her tray aside and began to sit up, but Liara shook her head.

“She is right, Shepard; you have to eat.”

 _‘Shepard,’ god that voice; I never thought I would forget that voice, and yet it’s like the first time I spoke to her all over again._ Liara took her silence for protest and motioned to the tray, sat in the chair next to the bed, not pulling it closer like she had the night before.

 

 _Liara sat, unmoving, bag at her feet, while the other passengers departed. Aria’s words rang true in her head,_ ‘How many times does the Universe have to give her back to you before you take her?’

Too many, apparently, _she thought, sniffing at her own pride. The Serrice transport had melted into the ship off Thessia, which had faded into another, then another. On Lesuss she became bored; the Crescent Nebula came and went, as did Minos, and after five days and more relay jumps than she could remember she wished she had booked a private ship; had refused to use her parents’ money when her father had offered – knew exactly how her mother felt about ‘your frivolous adventure’ – now she wished she had listened. She thought about the excitement of far away worlds, artifacts, and discovery. Something other than compiling research and listening to excuses about why papers were late. Thought about Jane, lying hurt and alone in a hospital within her reach._ Will I really forgive myself if I just walk away? Knowing I had her at my fingertips…

 _They were docked on the Citadel, and she stubbornly sat in her shared cabin, refused to take the shore leave even the crew was._ I should just book another vessel, _she pouted,_ rather than sit here for two days, knowing who is just… _Here she was, mere miles away from Jane. Happenstance bringing them closer together; she knew Shepard would have believed that; that the Universe worked in strange ways. She was much more pragmatic, logical._ It’s just pure coincidence.

Is it, Blue?

 _And what had that pragmatism gotten her? Heartbreak, loneliness: a logical, thinking, empty shell._ Why do you think Aria always gets what she wants? Always got _her_. She takes it. You said it yourself. Take what is yours, for once in your life, Liara. _She stood abruptly and hauled her bag over her shoulder, telling the nearest person in something resembling a uniform to keep her deposit. Disembarked into the cool, filtered air._

 _The hospital was clean and warm, but quiet. Not wanting to be turned away she strode the halls like she belonged, not looking too carefully at signs, ignoring anyone else who crossed her path. “Sixth floor – intensive care;” the elevator said in it’s hollow, tinny voice, and she stepped off and into the smell of antiseptic and infection. Her room was dark, the only light coming from the various machines that whirred and beeped; recognized all the sounds, the smell of the hospital sheets, the dull grey linens and dusty curtains. Shepard looked like she was sleeping but Liara knew she was probably knocked out, the IV in her arm full of something potent; Jane never slept as ramrod straight as she was now. It was usually all diagonal legs and splayed arms – one always under her head or pillow - red halo of hair in her face, hiding her. Legs frogged out until Liara kicked her and she curled away. Her throat felt sticky, too much to take in - this broken and bruised body, with its bandages and tubes and black and purple patches on the skin she could see. She dropped her bag, softly, not wanting to wake her - not yet – and pulled the heavy chair closer to the bed._ Will she be okay this time? _She wondered._ Like the last time… _This was exactly what she was afraid of braving; not just Jane leaving her side to protect and serve, but_ this _._ How many more times will I have to sit in a room like this? How many times will I have to wait for news; how many days will I spend dreading those men at my door? _She brushed unwanted tears from her cheeks and calmed herself; was glad Shepard was asleep now – could not let her see the doubt complicating her mind. She bit her lip and took her hand; still rough, still Shepard. Warm; felt a steady pulse in that wrist. She kissed it, wrapping both her hands around Jane’s one, and rubbing it, slowly. “You promised me you would come back…” She said, soft and low. “You did not.” Her lip trembled and she looked away from the mess that was Jane, “so I did. I came to you…”_

 

“How are you, Jane?”

The nurse quietly left them alone; didn’t need to know the details to understand the overwrought air.

“I visited you every day, Liara.” Jane was looking at her eggs, still pushing them around her plate; they had separated into a gooey mess. She wouldn’t look at her; she knew if she looked at her it would all be over – she would fall for her all over again, defenses toppled by the siren song that was her voice, those eyes that she always saw her soul in, the curve of her neck, her freckles. ‘ _To look upon her is to love her,’_ she thought, sadly; some forgotten poet Ashley had shared with them during Rec. “I only left your side to…”

“I know, Shepard. I know it all.” _All._ So many things loaded into those four words: ‘I know it all.’ Threatening to fire and tear them apart like shrapnel. _Or: the shot that won the war_ ; she thought. _Maybe it is what we need_.

“I couldn't face you. Not after- Liara, did you- I mean was she?- did you know?” Liara should haven known this was coming, but it took her by surprise anyway. Shepard darted her eyes down and to the side, licking her lips.

“No,” she looked out the window; didn’t want to meet her eyes if she raised them. “I did not. I did not intend to carry your child.”

 _Mine._ Had known it. Still, needed to hear it. She hadn't meant it though, was a foolish slip up; a stupid mistake. Jane hardened her face, her heart.

Shepard nodded, a tear hitting her breakfast before she pushed it away; knew it was too much to hope for.

“So why are you here?” Shepard’s words stung, but she buried that deep down, kept smiling, and trembling. Liara was afraid to reach out and touch her now that she was awake, staring back; was taken aback by how quickly the look of shocked love turned to harden steel; her breakfast feeling the brunt of it; protein paste smashed into nothing now.

“Because I-” _love you still._ “You need someone. I read the reports – your injuries – and I could not stand by and leave you in the care of strangers.”

“Doesn’t look like a nurses uniform to me,” Shepard joked, all crinkled forehead and raised eyebrows; Liara noticed one was partially singed. Wondered what other parts had been scorched. _What did she face?_ She blushed, nodding slowly, and looking down at her clothing. Her bag.

“No. It is not, I guess,” shrugged. “This was more important than my previous plans.”

“I am fine,” Jane stretched her back and it popped; winced as every muscle protested.

“You are not. Just looking at you I can tell your recovery is not going to be fun, Shepard. Wouldn’t you rather be somewhere comfortable?” Jane bit her lip, debating; deciding. She sighed.

“Liara, this-us- is not a good idea.”

“I did not say anything about _us_ , Jane.” Shepard felt that through her heart, tingling forearms and a ball of hot sickness in her gut. “You need someone; let me help you.”

“I have other people,” she glared, moping; suddenly a child.

“Who? Aria? She’s hardly gentle,”

“She _can_ be-“

“-I do not want to know-“ Liara clenched her jaw, shaking her head,

“See? This is why this is a terrible idea!” Jane shook her head as well; impatience, anger, frustration. Wished her damn legs would work and she could walk out of here, slamming the door. “My squad: we’ll support each other. I’ll do it my goddamned self!” Her ribs and lungs cried out as she raised her voice, deep breathing was apparently off the regularly scheduled program of events for a little while. Liara paled, twisting her hands together,

“Shepard, you-you don’t know?” Jane snapped her head back to her,

“Know what?”

“You were the only survivor, Jane.” The colour drained from her face – from her limbs – and she sat with a stunned look, all open mouthed and confused – the room swam.

“What? All-? All of them?” Liara nodded, barely perceptible.

“Fifty Marines and you are the only one who made it to the landing zone. It is all over the news, Commander.” Shepard closed her eyes, her voice on autopilot.

“I saw Doherty and Foote- they, I mean I knew _they_ … some losses are to be expected,” reciting a textbook. “Those things…” _They way they died, their bones crunching in her ears as she ran; their screams not quite loud enough to drown that out._

“I am so sorry, Jane. I-“ didn’t know what to say. Liara pulled her chair closer, and took her hand. Shepard flinched, but squeezed it, warm and soft and just like she remembered. She swallowed hard and looked up at her, choppy unwashed hair hanging in her face.

“Thank you, Liara. For coming.”

“Think nothing of it, Shepard.”

 

She visited every day. Did not think it was appropriate to spend the night in her room; often snuck back in after Jane had passed out or been lulled to sleep with drugs. Each day was a tiny step closer to recovery, but Shepard still had not agreed to her presence - to come with her when she was released. But Liara saw glimmers there: the look from the corner of her eye, a hand taken in her own without prompt, asking for help with particularly hard to open containers or when pillows needed adjusting. Had not asked her to leave the room when the nurse changed her bandage yesterday. " _Ah, she’s seen it all before, Lynda; many times."_ Had actually winked at her over the nurse’s shoulder, making her go a deep plum colour. An easy smile, those creases and sideways grin back; the light returning to her eyes. Liara suspected the grief would hit her soon - once the physical pain subsided the emotional ache would take over – but for now she was strong; _or stupid, ignoring it all_ , she thought sometimes.

Liara had sent a quick email to Thea, explaining:

 

TO: COUNCILLOR T. TEVOS

CC: A. T’LOAK

FROM: DR. L. T’SONI

SUBJECT: Change in Plans

 

I went to her.

 

P.S. Aria, do not come here.

P.P.S. Tell Liselle I am sorry she will not be getting anything old. I have sent a package with some small souvenirs. She is ‘off the hook’ for her reports.

 - L

 

TO: DR. L. T’SONI

CC: A. T’LOAK

FROM: COUNCILLOR T. TEVOS

SUBJECT: RE: Change in Plans

 

I am so glad. Liara, this is wonderful news. Liselle says she is disappointed (ie. she sulked like her father for two days), but understands. Of course, she doesn’t, but I explained as much as I could. She can’t wait to open your package when it arrives.

 

Tell Shepard we are thinking of her, and love her very much.

 

P.S. Blue, fuck off.

P.P.S. Aria apologizes for her language and wishes you both the best. She says ‘kiss her for me, hard. And vid it.’ I told her I was not going to include that but she is watching me type over my shoulder, so I had to.

-Thea

 

Liara chuckled and finished wrapping the box she had done up for Liselle. She had shown Jane pictures of her, now so much bigger than when she left, and she had almost teared up; _she does look a lot like Aria…_ Liara thought, frowning, but Shepard had quickly spoken: “It’s been so long…”

The bandages came off and Shepard was left with green bruising and pale, flayed skin; didn’t complain, just hissed through her teeth. She covered her breasts with her arm and nodded to the dresser; “A shirt?” Liara’s eyes passed over her almost exposed chest, paused a little too long, but retrieved a clean white t-shirt for her. As Jane pulled it on over her head Liara gasped, reached out and touched the jagged white scar there. “Oh, yah, that.” She smiled, lifting her shirt back up and showing it off. “Jungle maneuver gone wrong during N5 training; Ashley and Harris-“ choked on his name “saved my life.”

“Jane…” she shrugged, covering it again.

“I’m fine, Liara.”

“You are not fine,” she argued, sitting on the side of the bed, turned into her; closer sustained contact this time, like old times. “When you are well enough you are coming home with me.” Shepard screwed up her mouth,

“Where? Here?” Realized she had no idea where Liara lived nowadays – they had purposely not pried; didn’t know anything anymore.

“My parents’. Their guesthouse is waiting.” Shepard laughed, waving her hands,

“Oh, no, no, no. Your mother will kill me-“

“Trust me, she’s angrier at me right now than at something we did years ago.”

 _We._ Jane thought, daring to smile. _Something_ we _did. Was the blame gone?_

 _‘Kill her Jane. For what she did…’_ Shepard shook her head.

“I can’t, Liara. I can’t ask you to do this.”

 _Always so noble,_ Liara thought, turning her face away. Remembered nights, watching her sleep, her body gripped by some faraway place. _Please, let me in, Shepard._

She saw her eyes drooping; saw her flinch when she tried to get comfortable. Had been debriefed by Anderson that morning; had told her own tale to him Liara was sure – one she wasn’t privy to.

“You must be exhausted,” she leaned over her and her necklace dropped out of her shirt, Jane reached up and clasped it in her hand. _The ring_. Liara blushed, hastily tucked it back in between her breasts. Jane took her arm, holding her over her, pulling her down, their lips almost touching. Liara stiffened, stopped, and Jane turned away, opening and closing her mouth, eyes wide.

“Stay with me, tonight?” Liara didn’t answer, cupped her cheek for moment, and then handed her a small plastic cup of pills,

“Here, sleep.” She sat back down in the chair, its place next to the bed – a little closer each day – becoming permanent.

As she slipped into drug-induced sleep Jane mumbled to her, green eyes cloudy but staring into her very depths. “Liara, I couldn’t let you go, either.” Drifting, slowly, into nothing. “You followed me…”

_Oh Jane, you have been drifting for too long; come home with me._

Liara remembered her stealing from their bed, in the early light of dawn, leaving her alone again. So much like a sailor of old – human or asari, cultures so tied to the sea – herself left like a waiting widow, a lovesick maiden; which she supposed she was. Had waited for her every day, for her vessel - not wood, but steel- to crest over those metaphorical waves; sailing the stars, but a seaman nonetheless.

After week of low-grade exercises and every test known to man she awoke to the news she could go home. _Do or die time, Shep,_ she thought, staring at the ceiling. She knew Liara was in the hospital – had slept in the chair again; had stirred in the night to look over and see her, curled up in an abrasive blanket, long legs dangling over the arm – but for now was alone. She got out of bed and shuffled to the window, looking down and out onto the green grasses and blue lake of the Presidium; had an idea.

Liara ‘arrived’ after she had showered and dressed, eaten her terrible breakfast; she was on her Omni-tool:

“Yes, have it all shipped to the University of Serrice. Yes, Dr. T’Soni. Okay, thank you.” She hung up and Shepard looked at her, all inquiring minds. _What did she give up to come here?_

“I get to go home today,” she said as she walked through the door. A look of fear crossed the asari’s face. A cold, impassive mask replaced it.

“Wonderful,” she lied, the smile there cracking the ice; not quite genuine. _We will be parted again, now,_ she thought, taking her place in the chair even though Shepard was standing on her own. The crutches she had been using stood forgotten behind the door.

“Liara-“ Jane took a shuddering breath, sat on the edge of the bed across from her, “Leave this cold woman behind. I miss my dork. It’s okay to feel…” Liara licked her lips, nodding; hadn’t realized how much her face was giving away. Shepard took that face in her hand, cupping her cheek and running her thumb across her laugh lines. The weight of the moment seemed heavier to Jane than any of the dumbbells she had worked with in physio; heavier than anything she had ever encountered. She broke the pregnant air with a smile, “I know a great sushi place. Wanna check it out?”

“Like a date? Shepard… I-“

“I didn’t say that; you did, T’Soni,” grinned again. Liara did too.

 

“Here, I ordered you this,” Jane sat across from her, returning from the bathroom on slow legs. Liara saw the slight over flexing of her thighs, her body willing her legs to work properly, and the way she listed to the left, but she was walking. She was walking like a baby deer, but she was walking – and without those damn crutches she knew she hated so much.

Shepard took a piece of the roll from the platter in the middle of the table and slathered it in wasabi. “That is not how they intended you to eat it, Shepard…” Jane laughed, washed it down with a swallow of beer, “and you’re not supposed to be drinking.” She stuck her tongue out,

“I’m fine.” Rolled her eyes and picked up the menu; “What else?”

“Well, I ordered us some soup – that terrible one for you-“

“You remembered…” She looked at her over the neck of her bottle, picking up another piece of sushi with her fingers.

“Of course I did,” _I could never forget you; every fiber that makes up who you are is in me…_ “It has not been _that_ long, Jane…” Still, she blushed, letting out a long breath and busying herself with putting together her a la carte plate.

“1004 days…” She was staring at her, nakedly; unabashedly. Put her bottle down with a quiet thump.

“What?” Liara looked up, from under her long lashes, forehead wrinkling. Felt Jane’s leg hit hers under the table.

“It’s been 1004 days – wait, no: 1014. I forgot I was unconscious for that week…”

“You counted?”

“Every day.” _Every hour,_ she thought. _Every second…_ Took her hand across the table. “I’ll follow you, Liara. I’ll come home.”


	29. Chapter 29

Shepard watched her sleep from across the cabin. The bunk in her berth was hard and cold, but she was used to it; had slept on the ground, with gunfire around her; had slept in the soggy jungle mud; had slept without her near her for so long. Had no idea how Liara had fallen asleep with sleeping turians and snoring batarians around them. She couldn’t. So she gazed at her: lying on her side, both hands tucked under her cheek like some wonderful cherub; drooling like always. Jane smiled, her heart full, bursting; felt stitched back together for the first time in years. _I’ll follow you anywhere, Liara; I’ll swim the fires of Zeona, I’ll face ten krogan, I’ll come back from the dead twenty times, I’ll take a hundred bullets, I’ll fight a thousand – what did Anderson call them? - Thresher Maws, just to touch you again, to be with you again. I love you with every molecule._

They had almost kissed outside the restaurant.

 _Liara was on her Omni-tool again, trying to secure them transport off the Citadel, back to Serrice, and Shepard leaned against the wall, smoking. Liara had tutted at her when she ducked into a corner shop and had returned with a fresh pack of cigarettes and a bottle of wine; she had shrugged, “What? Listen, you cheat death twice – no, sorry,_ thrice _– and you learn to live a little,” she had winked._

_“That does not mean I want you contributing to your early death, Jane; I want you around for a long time yet,” Liara had sighed, rolling her eyes. Jane had stopped mid-step, taking her wrist and pulling her lightly back before she could dial._

_“You want me around?” The distance between them – no more than half a foot – seemed like an inch and an ocean at once. Tongues wet lips, eyes went to mouths, breath held and shaking at the same time. Shepard had swallowed hard and Liara’s eyes had been wide, terrified; electric._

_“Yes.” She had whispered, but backed away; finished imputing the contact before-_ not yet; I am not ready yet _, she thought._

 _Jane had smiled anyway, lighting her smoke and thinking_ in time.

 

Liara’s parents left them alone for a good hour after they landed. Shepard was exhausted - no surprise there – and she slumped onto the soft bed, grimacing. Liara came through the bedroom door carrying their sparse baggage – after helping Jane up the stairs she had collected them from the door – and saw her there, almost asleep but groaning. “I did too much,” she admitted, eyes shut and flat on her back.

“Here, let me help you.” Liara crossed the room and perched lightly on the bed, touching Shepard’s arm. She opened her eyes and looked up at her, sitting there over her, and smiled.

“Hi.”

“Hi. Let me help you, and then you can sleep until dinner.” Jane nodded, rising slowly and sitting; wanting to lean her weight into Liara – into her smell, light and sweet; into her warmth, all soft, smooth, scaled skin – but holding back. Liara reached out to the buttons on her simple cotton shirt – so much easier to get on and off than her t-shirts – and Shepard took her hand, holding it still.

“Liara-“ She just looked at her, bottom lip slightly tucked in, doe eyed and lost. “I can do it.”

“No. Let me, please.” More than the urge to ease her pain there; so much more. “Please,” she repeated and Shepard whimpered, nodded, letting her wrist go. Liara’s fingers fluttered over the buttons, trembling. As if she had never disrobed Shepard before; as if Jane’s naked body wasn’t already seared into her brain, familiar as her own. She undid them one at time, slowly, breathing shallow and fast; couldn’t look at her. To uncover her again was like heaven on earth; the nearness of her after so many years called up feelings she thought she had buried alive, and she let out a single breath in a stream of tiny gasps. She shrugged the shirt off soft shoulders, eyes finally rising to naked breasts,

“Thank you,” Shepard gulped, covering herself again; could see the flush rising; the points of Liara’s cheeks burned; she was burning too; wildfire, born of want, from frustration; wanted to touch her more than she had wanted anything in her life. More than the first time she had, more than Aria, more than ever… Jane felt her fingers on her skin, hot, febrile; singeing and electrifying.

“Lay back,” Liara barley choked it out; remembered the last time she had breathed those words to her. Shepard did, her legs partially off the bed. Blue hands moved to the flat plane of her stomach – _so much more toned than before,_ Liara thought with a blush – and Shepard shivered; aroused and terrified. Would love those fingers to just dip past the waistband and- knew she was in no condition, knew Liara wasn’t here for that. Knew she was just as conflicted. Liara lowered her pants and underwear in one gentle motion, and turned away again, letting Jane cover herself with the ample quilt. “Would you like some more comfortable clothing?” She asked, still sitting, not moving; still red-hot.

“No, if that’s alright. I’d just like to lay here for awhile,” Liara nodded.

“Of course.”

“Liara?”

“Yes Jane?”

“I-“ _love you._ ”Appreciate this.” They both smiled, just looked on each other for a moment.

“Kids!”

Liara snapped out of her trance, groaning: “My father,” as if Jane didn’t recognize the most recognizable voice in the galaxy. “Cover yourself,” she added, even though she already was. Jane smirked,

“Yah, your father has seen too much of me already,” Liara gave her a puzzled and amused look, but cleared her throat; realized neither had spoken over a hush the entire time.

“Up here, Dad. I’ll be right down,” she put a hand on Jane’s forehead, her cheek, “Sleep well. I will wake you for dinner.” She let herself out. Jane lay awake, burning, for a long time.

 

“So, Commander now is it? Well, you have a new name to call her in bed,”

“Father-“ Aethyta stood in the doorway, mud on her boots and brown paper bags in hand, grinning like a fool.

“I know, I know: it’s not like that. Whatever kiddo; I know love when I see it.”

“You haven’t even see her yet,” she mumbled, closing the door behind her father as she entered and dropped the bags on the floor.

“I see you,” she pointedly said, cracking her back and sitting on the couch. “Turn on the damn fireplace kid, it’s not summer yet.” Liara rolled her eyes and Aethtya swatted at her as she passed in front, flicking on the fire from the console. “Oh quit it, Liara. Here, I brought you down some groceries; you’re staying here with her right?” Liara sighed and picked up the bags, hauling them into the kitchen.

“I do not know; I have not decided yet.” She returned through the closest doorway and sighed again, “I suppose I must go see Mother.”

“Damn right you do,” she looked over her shoulder at her daughter, one arm on the back of the couch, “You two are like elcor sometimes; can’t communicate worth a pyjak’s ass.” She stood, went into the kitchen and began to store the perishables in the fridge unit, “just come up with me. Let your sleeping beauty lie for awhile.” Liara paused, hands on her hips, and went to help her father.

“Okay.”

“Little Wing,” Benezia met them at the door - smiling Liara was relieved to see.

“Mother,” she embraced her and returned the smile despite her annoyance at knowing it was because her trip had been cancelled.

“How is Jane?” Liara blushed, took the tea her mother offered her, and followed her into the living room; had a flash of the Christmas they had all spent; so happy and fresh.

“Damaged, but she will be fine,”

“I suppose so; not even killing her could kill her,” Aethyta popped her head in and back out, glass of whiskey in her hand. Liara closed her eyes and smiled,

“I am glad to hear it, Liara.” She appreciated her mother’s tact; so unlike her father, but so much like herself.

 

Dinner was informal, eaten in bed, side-by-side. Jane had woken groggy and sore, but lit up when she heard Liara return, the door banging shut in the spring wind. She hobbled down the stairs where Liara gave her a what-for for moving, and shooed her back up, promising soup and sandwiches ‘momentarily.’ Shepard sprawled, waiting, hands over her stomach, taking in the room with fresh eyes. The large, wooden bed was carved into spirals that reminded her of Miranda’s father’s house, where Liara had gotten so ill in her attempt to impress her; the matching set was pristine, not a speck of dust or a scratch. The quilt was soft but sturdy, a light blue – lighter than Liara’s skin she had mused – and the pillows were plush and thick; Jane hadn’t slept in such luxury for time out of mind, and sighed happily, snuggling back down into it. Liara had sat with her, eating in silence; not quite normal, but not laden with the weight their previous days had held. When they finished Shepard stood and took her dishes, resolute in her desire to wash up. Liara conceded, as long as she could help. Together – but not quite as one – they headed down to the kitchen.

Soapy water, hot and steaming, had set the temperature of their encounter; Jane realized that later. They had never been able to do anything domestic without roaming hands and flamed libidos. Hands brushed in the sink, reaching for the same utensil; thighs pressed close, hips knocking; Liara brought her hand to her forehead, overwhelmed, dripped hot water down her face, which caused Shepard to crack up, howling with laughter. Liara had sulked for a second and splashed water from the sink on Jane as she righted herself, came up from her place leaned over the counter. A water fight in slow motion; wet, teasing, broiling slowly; like them. Jane caught her wrist as she went to flick more soap at her, and Liara stopped; Shepard stopped. The air buzzing, their clothes soaked. Liara’s hand on her waist, pulling her closer; Jane’s on her jaw, resting there, wanting so much to close the distance. Liara all quivering nerve endings, coming closer, closing in, surrounding her with her scent and limbs and presence and- Shepard finished it, crashing into her, hands on her shoulders, moans in their throats. The softest lips, the most incredible taste – even if it was laced with soup and luncheon meat and bread – the outstanding, solid, potency of her in her arms again. Liara gasped, hands wandering to her hair, not tugging at it, but feeling the texture in her fingers, soft, silky, thick. They broke apart as suddenly as it had happened, and Liara leaned back into the counter, dizzying and flush. “Liara…” Jane was so afraid she would flee now; kick her out; go to her parents and leave her to fend on her own; freeze her out again. She smiled instead, putting a still-wet hand to her lips, where the kiss seemed to reverberate.

“Shepard, I- that was wonderful; but, I-I cannot, _we_ cannot. Not yet;” Jane nodded, taking her hand,

“You’re right. Slowly, Li; I’m fine with slow…” Liara nodded; seemed on the verge of tears. She turned and faced the sink, staring down at the water.

“I owe you an apology, Jane. I am sorry for how I reacted, for what I did to us…” Shepard placed her hand on her shoulder,

“No, Liara. It was me - it was all me. You were right, I left you too; I ran away too.” Liara unplugged the sink, watching the funnel of water whirlpool; so much like her insides, like her heart.

“I watched you die, Shepard; and I mourned, Goddess, for so long… I did not think having you with me was worth having to go through that again.” Shepard narrowed her eyes, unseen by Liara. “I will live hundreds of years after you are gone, and I just-” Jane’s chest shuddered as she breathed. “It was too painful. It nearly destroyed me.”

“Not even death will keep me from you. I came back once; I’ll do it again. I won’t leave you alone in this world, if you want me by your side…” Liara rinsed her hands under the tap,

“It is not that easy, Jane. You cannot possibly live as long-“

“I will.” Believed it too. Liara sighed, but Shepard heard a smile in it; couldn’t explain how she knew.

“In any case; emotionally I was not,” searched for the right word, “stable, I guess. I am not perfect, I have a lot of – what do you humans call it? – Baggage? I should not have let it drive you away.” Jane laughed from behind her, and spun her around, slowly, that final sputtering sink sound breaking the silence.

“Well, it’s a good thing our luggage matches.” Liara was on her in an instant, hands wrapped around her waist and face buried in her neck; Shepard clutched onto her back, partially off-balance, but mostly just finding the equilibrium she had lost in her arms. “Can we start over? I’d like to rediscover you, Liara; I haven’t been the same without you.” She felt her nodded into her shoulder,

“Yes, Shepard, I would like that very much. I was wrong; having you with me is worth any amount of grief… not having you near me was worse.”

 

 

“Liara, I’m stuck,” she called from the tub, grumbling to herself in annoyance. She had tried to lift herself out of the oversized bath twice, and had failed; _if Branson could see me now_ , she thought. She heard Liara pause outside the door, her light footfalls not going unnoticed. “Please; I feel like an old person in here,” extra loud, not giving away she knew she was there. The door creaked out and Liara adverted her eyes; Jane mumbled something about ‘being ridiculous, they’re just breasts.’

“I will remind you of that the next time you are enraptured with mine, Shepard,” Liara shot back, and Jane smirked; felt a fire in her belly she hadn’t felt in a long time.

“And I will remind you you promised me a look next time you get all bashful,” Liara paled a little and Jane chastised herself. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean- I’m just pruning in here.” Liara couldn’t help but smile as she grabbed the towel she had left for Jane off of the toilet seat, slung it over her shoulder and stepped closer to the bath.

“Promise you will not pull me in,” she demanded, not closing the distance. Shepard sighed, “you seem to like getting me wet.” She chuckled and Liara went purple, stammering, “Oh, Goddess, I simply meant-“

“-I know what you meant, you tease. Now help me out. Please.” Liara took her hands, one then the other, and helped her to her knees. Shepard slid suddenly, and Liara had to grab her under the armpits to steady her. They stared at each other, not sure if they wanted to pull away or laugh. _Or kiss; I know which I want_ … Liara lifted her to a half-standing position and let her lean her weight on her as she stepped out and onto the rich bathmat. She held out the towel and Jane wrapped herself in it, tucking it deftly into itself over her breasts. Liara paused again; saw the ragged, pale line of her scar, running from her left clavicle and down, where it disappeared under the towel. She gingerly touched her chest, where she could feel her heart beating, fast. Steady. _Goddess, I almost lost her again, and again, and…_ Jane placed her hand over Liara’s and held it there, letting her feel her pulse there; _alive, Liara. Here._ “I am going to go to bed…” She trailed off, still unsure where Liara was; knew there were several other bedrooms, and more than a dozen more at the main house.

“Yes, I think I will as well. The constant relay jumps have left me dog-tired.” Shepard smiled at the human idiom; _I am in her. She is in me. Come to bed with me Liara, please_ ; her eyes pleaded. Liara seemed to know; saw it all there, and herself, reflected. “I will be right in. To ensure you are settled.”

 

Liara was true to her word and rejoined Shepard as she was climbing into the massive bed. She had a glass of water and Jane’s pills in her hands, and had changed into more comfortable clothing. _My shirt,_ she thought, smiling, seeing the stonewashed band logo, stretched and faded from ample breasts and overuse. Saw her nipples, hard, through the fabric, and something woke up in her core, warm and wet below. She took the pills and gulped the water without protest, and nodded at the shirt.

“That’s where that went,” she teased, aching to reach out and grab the hem, push it up and over those nipples; to take them in her mouth and- her heart was pounding, loud in her ears.

“Yes, well…” Liara blushed, hands behind her back. “Well, sleep well.”

“You could stay.” She blurted it out without forethought, without meaning to. “Here. With me.” She moved over a little, patting the bed - _just a matter of indifference, nothing more, Liara_ ; she was fooling no one. “I kept your side warm.”

 

_Shepard was dreaming._

_She ran alongside the trench that butted up against the half-built apartment block; the Maw was on her heels – she could feel it under her feet, quaking the ground. The vibrations were both terrifying and extraordinary; pushing her on like nothing else had – one misstep would be her last, she knew that with a clarity that seemed to pump extra air into her lungs, fuel her legs with fire. She spied a cable up ahead, hanging low, and she shot towards the edge, where the cement and beams dropped into the nothing of the edge of the world; at the last second she turned sharply to her left, grabbing the wire and swinging across into the dirt, flinging herself over the drop below. The Thresher broke the ground not ten feet from her, where she had been not three seconds before, clamping its jaws down on nothing but air with a horrifying snap and garbled scream. Shepard kept running._ Be brave, be brave. I will be brave. _Over and over and over: brave wasn’t enough; lucky was. The lush world flying by her in a green whirl barely seen in the rising dawn. Didn’t fire her weapon, knew now it was no good against those things; the shrieks of her fellows proof of that; just screams and the ratta-tat-tat of their rifles as they were dragged down to their gruesome deaths._ Back to her, back to her; why did I ever leave her? _Suddenly, slammed into another body, all live wire limbs; Kaidan-_

Liara woke suddenly, as if pulled from a dream. She couldn’t remember dreaming, and couldn’t understand the suddenness of her waking, until she heard Shepard. She was thrashing under the thin sheet, the quilt kicked off of her in the night, and screaming, low and in her throat. Liara sat up and reached out, taking the whimpering Shepard into her arms; shushing and rubbing her back where it peeked out from the top of her tank top. “Jane; Jane, it is okay. I’ve got you.” Shepard opened her eyes and recoiled; relaxed when she realized who was holding her. The terror drained from her face so quickly Liara hardly remembered it had been there, and she pushed sweat-damp hair from her eyes, stroked her forehead, softly.

Had been reliving that moment; that terrible moment when- _Kaidan, and Harris, and Noles – oh God, Noles_ – thought of his wife and little blue daughters, alone. Began to sob, deep, guttural cries from the bowels of her belly, shaking her shoulders and making her face crumple.

“Oh, God, everyone… They’re all gone… all of them… and I should have protected them.” She shook, and Liara lowered her down, holding her, hushing her, kissing her lightly on the temple.

“You did, Jane. You did everything you could. You survived.”

“I should have done more,” wailing, red-faced grief, gripped Liara tight; the asari ran her hands up and down her arm, soothing, soft; cool against her tear and sweat-stained skin. She cried harder, “I should have protected you, from Tela, from _me_. I should have saved our little girl.” Liara froze for a moment, the hard, dull pain of loss hitting her stomach like a rock; guilt and understanding, now: that she was blaming herself. _This whole time…_

“Jane Shepard,” she forced her to look at her, her crying slowing finally in response to the calming touches and soft voice. “You are the bravest, kindest, most wonderful creature in this Universe. You are strong and gentle and I-“ couldn’t find the words to say how she needed her so. “I did not get shot because of _you_. I did not lose our child because of _you_. I _kept going_ because of you.” Jane’s chest heaved, her nose snotty, her eyes red, her nostrils flaring; but she nodded, wiping the mess of her face with the back of her arm. _It was just a dream,_ Liara wanted to say, wanted to comfort her. Knew it wasn’t; whatever had gripped Jane so had been real – reliving something horrendous. She nodded again, and Liara returned to running her hands over her bare skin, mumbling soft noises of comfort and love. Her hands trailed up under the back of her shirt before she realized what she was doing, across her ribs – gently – and over the wonderful curve of her breasts. Jane arched into her touch, her stomach flooding with concentrated desire. Her own hands wandered, her dream becoming fuzzy as Liara’s presence became clear; ran them over shoulders and shoulder blades; the dip in her spine; bare thighs where her shorts had ridden up. They found each other, curious tongues and sleep-dry lips melting into passion-driven gasps into open mouths. Liara’s hand drifted lower, over hipbones and under clothing, finger sliding between Shepard’s thighs; wet, heavy-scented, and intoxicating. She moaned into her mouth and tried to flip their positions; winced and stopped short, ribs crying out as loudly as the rest of her body was. Liara froze, removed her hand and sat up, concern all over her face. “Jane, I am sorry. I did not mean to hurt you.”

“You could never hurt me, Liara.” _A lie, they both knew that; but the sentiment was honest._ Their chests heaving, their bodies aflame, they stared at each other; the spell was broken. Liara seemed to pull into herself, draw away, but Shepard mended it with a smile; not beaming, but genuine. “Lie with me? Hold me?” Tucked into her back, long blue arms wrapped around her waist, they drifted back into sleep, each thinking of the other.


	30. Chapter 30

“Goddamn mother-fucking-“ Liara smiled, closed her eyes and laughed, despite the thuds and crashes coming from the staircase.

“Jane, did you fall down the stairs again?” Shepard was silent for a second,

“No,” she heard the muffled sound of a lifting body, “Fucking cock sucker… yes.”

“Do you need help?

“No, I’m good,” Shepard came limping into the living room, rubbing her left knee. “This damn thing just keeps over flexing. I’m fine.” Liara went back to reading after giving her a nod of understanding,

“I know you are technically in the Navy, darling, but you do not need to swear like a sailor.”

 _Darling,_ Jane smiled, poking the ribs along her right side, checking for tender spots. She had gotten stronger in the weeks since their arrival, but still had stiff days; especially when first waking. Had to take naps like an old man. She kissed Liara on the side of her crest, leaning over the couch before realizing that it hurt.

“What are you doing?” Liara blushed, still wasn’t quite used to her touches, her kisses; it awoke an inferno in her she had, so far, successfully dampened.

“Working, or rather, trying to get my job back…” Jane sat on the couch with her, lifting Liara’s bent legs and draping them over her own.

“So, tell me, what happened?” Liara shook her head,

“It is not important, Shepard: just know it is harder to cancel a sabbatical than it is to apply for one, apparently,” she sighed, flicking off her datapad.

“Then don’t,” Shepard shrugged, stealing Liara’s coffee from the end table and sipping it; Liara smiled. She was sure some of these old habits would become tiresome again in time, but for now they made her heart warm and bubbly.

“It is not so simple,” she fingered her forehead, massaging, “I have expedition funding to return, I have no classes to teach, and I have nothing else to do with my time.”

“So go on your expeditions.” Shepard pursed her lips, raising her shoulders, “really,” she added when Liara frowned; skeptical.

“I will not leave you-“

“I’ll go with you.” Simple. Solves the problem. Done.

“Jane…” Liara touched her leg, unconsciously kneading her sore knee, “you are still hurt, and I- well, I find that I do not relish the idea of leaving you; especially when we are just now beginning to…” Shepard smiled.

“I’m not going to press, Li, but honestly: I just want you to be happy. If mucking around in the mud makes you happy: go.” She looked over at her, honest and naked, _really,_ they said; _nothing is going to keep us apart, even if we’re lightyears away…_

“Thank you, Shepard. But no. Oh, I forgot – you received a letter.” Liara passed her a large envelope, brown and stamped with official looking seals. _Alliance,_ she thought as she reached for it; she opened it with her thumb, skimmed it quickly.

“Jesus fuck…”

“What? Shepard-“ Liara sat up straight, “are you okay?”

“I’m more than okay; I’m N7.” Jane’s cheeks went flush, but her complexion sallow; Liara beamed.

“Oh, I am very proud of you, Shepard. That is wonderful; I am sure Mother will want to have us up for dinner.”

“Thanks,” numb mostly; a small bloom of pride, that insignia the culmination of years of hard work. That insignia that so many had died before receiving. Still didn’t feel like she had put the time in; didn’t deserve it. “I’m going to go for a walk, okay? Stretch out my leg.” Liara let her get up, lifting her legs from her lap; was worried, but knew she needed space.

 

Shepard sat under a tree, tossing the N7 patch up in the air and twirling it through her fingers. She knew this was just the beginning, just to add to her dress blues; knew a whole new set of gear and fatigues - _and God-knows what else_ \- would be arriving soon. The cold ground – still unthawed from winter – stung her legs, but the white, early-spring sunshine felt good on her face. _I never expected to be back here,_ she thought, gazing out into the clearing; she knew it was what she had taken to calling in her head ‘Liara’s meadow’, the same one they had crossed through in the winter months so long ago. _Never expected to be N7; never expected to see Liara again; never expected to draw breath after that night…_

_-slammed into Kaidan, who looked remarkably calm, unlike herself. Where she was all red-faced and wide-eyed he was stoic, his rifle at his waist, his comm link on. “Shepard,” he nodded, their voices raised over the cacophony. “I’ve radioed for pick-up, but the landing zone isn’t clear;” he pointed over the horizon, the raised platform torn asunder by jagged pits, where worms had surfaced, circling. “You’re hurt,” he pointed to the blood dripping from the arm of her armour, the gashes on her face and head. One leg, torn open and black with mud, legplate ruined._

_“ETA?” Shepard leaned against the wall, breathing hard, ignoring his concern; the pain._

_“0-two hundred…”_

_“Shit.” Shepard thought for a moment, nodded in fast darting motions, “okay. Well, top-floor of this building looks stable; we’ll hunker down here until then, then storm the LZ.” Kaidan nodded. They could still hear the occasional scream and burst of gunfire as they climbed the stairs, slowly, quietly. Slumped against a bare window frame, sky dark and foreboding, she watched as mounds of dirt as long as transport vessels slid across the planet’s surface, around their building, around the rendezvous point. At some point she drifted off, still standing, with her comrade’s dying yells in her ears._

_When she woke Kaidan was gone; the sky had taken on the inky-blue of predawn, and the screams had stopped. She flicked on her night vision and scanned the area, “Alenko,” she hissed, rifle up, legs ready to fly. “Lieutenant?” She watched the stairs as she descended, looking for drops of blood, for boot prints, for anything._

_She saw him near the landing zone, approaching slowly, rifle firing steady, sure blasts. The things – the worms –_ the Thresher Maws, Jane knew now _\- were circling, slowly. She imagined they were chuckling at him; soft, fleshy morsel of meat had rung the dinner bell himself with his footfalls and gunfire. “Kaidan!” She yelled at him, over the expanse, he paused, taking in the Maws, her, those intense eyes almost sparkling; she knew she couldn’t really make that out, was imagining it, but she was sure they were somehow. He stopped, dropped his weapon and pulled his entire grenade belt off in one snapping movement; blue and purple energy building around him as they came closer and closer. “No, Alenko; don’t do it, you idiot,” she whispered. Shepard was running towards him now; he looked back at her again, a biotic barrier the size of a city block – surrounding the Maws, surrounding him; keeping Shepard out. She came up short, her breath dry, the only sound in her ears now. Except the hum of that barrier. The Threshers were closing in on him, bodies swaying, ready to strike; pincers dripping acid – Jane saw it bubble and hiss in the dirt. She saw the flashing red of a single grenade and then the ground exploded into a ball of fire – with more of a thump than a blast; the barrier damping it down. It flickering out, smoke rising in a mushroom cloud. Shepard dropped to her knees, saw the charred bodies of two worms, twitching. Deathly quiet now; just the rustling on the wind and her breath in her ears, her diaphragm slowly pushing in and out, time slowing. The other three were incinerated into nothing; not a trace, only a blackened spot on the ground as evidence they had even been there at all. There was nothing left of Kaidan; not one hair, not a single glove, nor his rifle: gone. As if he had never existed to begin with. Jane closed her eyes and looked away, slowly, face drawn and lagging; grey and ashen; her mouth open, her throat withered; her eyes unfocused, hazy and bagged. She heard the Alliance vessel approaching as she stepped around goliath bodies, taller than herself, the roar of the engines the last thing she remembered as she clawed her way to the landing zone; blacking out before she could wave them in._

 

Jane looked up and found herself at the front steps of the main house; her feet had dragged her away from the woods; body on autopilot, and mind on monstrosity. It seemed empty and she let herself in, wandering up the stairs to the only place she wanted to be. Finding the music room - by gut feel more than memory - she ran her hand along the top of the piano, the dust coming off thick and flaky. She banged open the cover, flinching at her own strength, and sat at the bench. _He died to keep me alive; I am going to do something with my life…_ Cracking her wrists, her fingers, her spine, she sat and began to play; began to compose for the first time in two years.

 

She wandered down to the guesthouse as the sun was setting, knew Liara was probably beside herself with worry. She opened the door not to a frantic asari, but to soft music, strings and woodwinds, and a roaring fire. The smell of roasting meat wafted to her as she quietly shut the door behind her, and she hobbled to the kitchen, where she found Liara – aproned and busy – surrounded by pots and pans. “Shepard, you’re back;” came to her, taking her hands. “Here, take these. Sit,” Jane smiled, took the wine glasses and bottle from her and walked back out into the open space where the table sat. It had been set for royalty; lush red napkins, white linen tablecloth, clearly the good china, sparkling silverware. Crocks of vegetables sat, steaming, and a bowl of salad sat, dressed and waiting. Jane whistled, uncorked the wine and poured them glasses, leaving them to breathe.

“What is this all about? Should I go change?” Looked down at her muddy pants, smeared with dirt and grass; mentally hiccupped at the thought of leaving traces of that all over Benezia’s house.

“Do not be silly,” Liara came in carrying a roast, carefully laid out on a silver platter. She set it in the middle and undid her apron, draping it over the back of her chair. “Congratulations Commander,” she smiled; “I did not have any black linens, or else this really would be themed-“ Jane stopped her with a kiss, long and hard.

“Thank you.”

…

Dessert was finished and a second bottle of wine had been opened; they both felt full, happy, and giddy. “Well, T’Soni; I think this calls for a toast.” Liara tittered behind her hand, and raised her glass:

“To you, Commander Shepard-“ Shepard waved it away, snorting.

“No, no, no – God no. To _you_ , Chef T’Soni. You cooked something that didn’t kill us.” She lifted her glass high over her head, “Finally.” Laughed and drank it all down. Liara glared, coyly, and drank; stood and picked up her dessert plate, rounding the table and taking Jane’s as well, piling them and bussing them into the kitchen. Shepard took another bit of wine, sipped it, and took the bottle to the couch; putting both down on the table before joining Liara in the kitchen. She took a slender wrist in her hand and spun her around, “Leave them;” close to her ear, making her shiver. She knew that voice, the octave of desire. Her stomach fluttered, and Shepard grasped her cheek tenderly, kissing her softly; long and full of promises. She dipped her back and tried to lift her into her arms, but faltered, groaning as something in her side popped. Liara swayed and caught herself on the counter, laughing. “So much for grand gestures,” Shepard mumbled, blushing, staring at her feet. “Well, I should go.” Liara swatted her and took her hand, leading her to the living room with a smoldering look over her shoulder. Shepard let herself be dragged down onto the rug, where they sat, facing each other, the fire flickering off blue skin and red hair; picking up the auburn highlights, dancing. Liara took her wine and eyed Jane over the glass; her lipstick stained the edge and Shepard wanted to place her mouth over that mark. She set it down again and began to undo the buttons of her blouse, revealing the lacey bra and light skin underneath. Shepard leaned forward, on her knees, and stroked her cheek, a hot pool of arousal stirring in her stomach. Liara saw it in her eyes: darkening pupils, heavy eyelids; in her breathing: short and fast. She dropped her blouse to the floor and began to lift Shepard’s shirt as well, fingers running along the hem - making her abdominal muscles clench and jump – sliding up to the naked breasts underneath. Shepard pressed into her touch, demanded it; felt like she had returned from a long journey, was taking a deep breath after surfacing. Alive. Liara ripped her shirt over her head, throwing it aside and taking Jane’s hands, placing them over her still-covered breasts; Shepard moaned and leaned forward, kneading the flesh softly; feeling her nipples stiffen in her palms at an alarming speed. Jane removed one hand and slipped it behind her, into the small of her back, and guided her down to the floor, simultaneously unclasping her bra with one deft movement. Liara shrugged it off and let her shoulder blades hit the rug, pulling Jane down on top of her, lifting her face and taking her lips. They kissed with a sweltering desperation, trying to capture all the missed years – all the missed touches and moments – in a single sharing of breath. They moved together as one, Jane’s weight resting on the smaller frame below her; Liara wrapped her hands around Jane’s back, pulling her in – needing her to know how much she needed this; the weight, _her_ weight, holding her down; keeping her from thinking this was all a dream. She groaned, low and husky; scratchy and dire. Liara took her breasts in her hands, cupping them gently and making Jane arch her back; she slid herself down her body and pulled down her skirt and panties, wiggling out of her own pants at the same time. She kissed the faint lines along her flat stomach, lower and lower, over her thighs, making her twitch and squirm. She looked up from her place between her legs and saw her eyes swirling with grey smoke, black tendrils seeking her out her pupils, her chest heaving. Shepard placed a single kiss on the top of her azure and worked her way back up, kissing the swell of her breast, her neck, along her ear.

She trailed her hand down and over her hip, fingers sliding between her thighs; all pooled wetness and heat. Liara gasped;

“Shepard!” The spike of arousal nearly undid her then; her name, her voice, her, there, under her. Her thumb found her clit, ready and throbbing, and Liara sucked in a gasp, closing her eyes and moaning. She ran her tongue along her collarbone, down between her breasts, and stopped at the pale and puckered scar that marred the soft skin. Shepard paused, running the tips of her fingers over it; Liara held her hand there and met her gaze.

“It is nothing anymore, Jane,” she whispered, leaning up so her mouth was next to her earlobe. “It is the past; you are my present, and my future.” Jane faltered, shaking, and Liara cupped her face in her hands, “Please. Don’t stop touching me.” Shepard leaned in and kissed the scar, gently, before taking one nipple in her mouth and pushing inside her with two fingers, slowly, rocking into her; Liara canted her hips and took her in deeper, crying out at the pleasure of it. Bending her knee and easing her legs further apart she slipped her thigh between them, using it as leverage to drive into her at a consistent pace, drawing every moan from her. Liara leaned up and found Jane open and enflamed, waiting. She slid inside and Shepard bucked, melted; their new, almost sitting position dragging fingers across swollen parts, making them tremble and sweat. Liara could feel a pulsing around her fingers; a throbbing in the back of her head to match it, at the base of her skull. Didn’t reach out to Jane; didn’t want to overwhelm her senses with meld. They rode each other with a gently thrusting motion, shaking and kissing, tongues and mouths wet and seeking. They moved with a grace outside of their selves; Shepard’s power reigned in, Liara’s bashful nature forgotten. They didn’t rush; gave themselves wholly to the other. Liara looked at her, foreheads pressed together; there were tears sliding down her pale face. She couldn’t hold it back any longer, crashed into Jane’s waiting mind, the landscape familiar and all encompassing.

_Shepard…_

_Oh, Liara, I never thought I’d-_

_again-_

_with you-_

_-no one else._

_yours are the brightest blue-_

_I-_

_Everything you are-_

_After-the bathroom – I_

_-couldn’t._

_Not once._

Their orgasm took them by surprise, cresting as one; sweet and long and rolling. Liara was silent, tense muscles and fluttering azure; the tiniest gasp of air on Shepard’s neck. “Shepard…” breathless. Jane trembled and moaned, pulling aftershocks from Liara’s body, which in turn made her shiver and peak again, falling into ecstasy, her name on her lips, her lips on her neck. As the contractions faded into laboured breathing, they came down slowly, still clutched to each other.

 

After, they lounged in bed, tracing fingers over forgotten curves and freckles; relearning each other one inch at a time. Shepard ran her hand along Liara’s stomach, absently thinking of their child.

“Was it hard for you, after, Liara?” Liara nuzzled into her jaw, warm and smelling of sex.

“Very. I would not forgive myself for a long time,” she looked up and met her gaze; “First, because it happened; that I slipped up. Then, because I lost her. She was gone, and so were you.” Jane turned away,

“I’m sorry.” Liara reached over and turned her face back with strong fingers,

“Do not be. We will honour her with the family we build,” she kissed her, long and slow. Shepard’s spine tingled at that thought; had never dreamed she would live to see that day.

“I love you, Liara. I never stopped, not once… even when I thought maybe I had…”

“I-Shepard; it is all in the past. You, Aria; our troubles. I am sure we will face new troubles, so let us forget the old ones?” Shepard nodded, sniffed away tears. “Even though I believe I am to blame, I think you need to hear it, so: I forgive you for anything you did or think you may have done. You must believe that. I love you.” Shepard ran her finger along the gold hoop on the chain around her neck, sucking on her bottom lip. She took her hands in her own, “You finally came back to me.”

“No matter what happens, you mean everything to me, Liara. You always will.”

 

They returned to Serrice as the trees began to blossom. Together.


	31. Epilogue

“She’s going to know,” Aria uncrossed her legs as she watched Shepard pace in her living room. Jane stopped, looked at her – doubt all over her face; in a moment it cleared, like the sky after a sun storm.

“No, she’s not.”

“She is,” Aria pointed at her, “you-“

“Aria, shut up and help distract her then.” Aria scoffed, taking a glass from Jack as she rejoined them.

“I need to be here so you don’t do something stupid; like, oh, I don’t know, fuck off to some hell hole planet where giant worms try to eat you.” Shepard glared; turned to Jack.

“Who else did you get?” Jack held her finger up and swallowed the mouthful of rum,

“Some kid who peddles shit for us, uh Connor I think? Conrad?” Shepard sighed and rubbed her hand along her neck, flushing red.

“I don’t care if his name is Susan, as long as he can play the guitar. I-“ she checked her Omni-tool as it buzzed, “come on.” She turned on her heels and stomped out of the room, only to return a moment later; “you gave him the sheet music?-”

“Four weeks ago, Shepard. Calm the fuck down, I could have taught Miri to play it in that amount of time;” she shot a look to Aria, _can you believe this guy?_ Her eyes pleaded. She took another shot. Shepard stopped again,

“Oh my God, Miranda – Miranda is still bringing her right? I mean, if we have to get Tevos to grab her we will-“

“I’d like to see Tevos and Liara grabbing each other-“

“-Shut up, Aria,” Shepard snapped, “but she’ll get suspicious.” Aria rose, took Shepard by the shoulder and spun her around, kissed her hard; no passion, no romance; like a slap in the face. Turned away and folded her arms across her chest as Shepard sputtered and rubbed her neck again. “You-can’t-don’t do that.” Jack laughed and slapped her leg, toasting them.

“Why? Makes you all uncomfortable. Relax. Drink this,” took a bottle from the bar and shoved it into Jane’s wringing hands, “Fuck. You’re not even engaged yet.” Shepard took a swig from the neck of the unmarked bottle, shivering as the aftertaste took her, _fucking Ryncol…_

“Got the ring, Red?” Shepard patted down her pockets, frantically, eyes wide and searching Jack’s. Felt it in her jeans and sighed. _Let her keep the trinket I bought years ago – this is the real deal._

“Yep.” She had everything. Had arranged it all, somehow. Had even called Aethyta and Benezia…

_“What the fuck is this patriarchal bullshit, Shepard? Have you met my daughter? She could kick your ass.”_

_“The – this is lovely news, Jane. Of course you have our blessings.”_

_“Well, fucking blessing, yes. Permission? You better hope Liara never finds out you asked for her, like some bloody piece of property.” Shepard had felt the hot climb of embarrassment._ What was I thinking?

_“Some families find it – tradition – I thought maybe…” She stammered, had trailed off, blushing._

_“Let us know if she says ‘yes’ or warps you through a wall, kid.” She had paled, gulped. She heard Benezia ‘tut’, and what sounded like the slap of a palm on clothing;_ so that’s where Liara get’s her tendency for swatting at me.

_“Oh course she will say ‘yes,’ Benezia reassured her._

_“For the love of Athame and her glorious tits, please do not knock her up again before the wedding.” Shepard had hung up, mumbling ‘that’s not how it works…’ while Benezia quietly, but sternly, yelled at her bondmate._

 

Liara laughed and held out her glass for more wine; Miranda almost poured her more; seemed to think better of it. The three of them – Thea, Miri, and herself – had shared a wonderfully expensive dinner, and were swapping stories of Aria, Jack, Shepard. Liara was just thankful Miranda had thawed from their first, cool conversations.

“Well,” Thea sighed, “I should get home to Liselle before she puts makeup on Bray again, or tries to dress him in one of Aria’s corsets…”

“Okay, you have to tell us that story next time,” Miranda laughed. Tevos stood, kicking Miranda under the table unbeknownst to Liara.

“So nice to share a meal with you again, Thea.”

“I will call you tomorrow.” Miranda stood too,

“Come on, Li; we’re going to Abyss. Jack promised she’d comp our shots – something about getting me drunk and taking advantage of me – and there’s some live music.” Liara poured herself another mouthful of wine and drank it as she put on her coat.

“I thought your tastes ran more ‘tattooed goddesses’ than ‘boys with guitars’ these days?” She giggled and realized she maybe should have skipped that last glass.

“I’m married, not dead, Liara. Plus, who knows who’s playing.”

 

Miranda pulled her through the doorway, both of them laughing and loud. Liara sobered almost immediately. Abyss wasn’t exactly empty, but it was quiet and she seemed to know more than half the people inside. Candles burned on every surface, flickering in the dark, reflecting in the mirror behind the bar, and the lights had been dimmed. Miranda shoved her forward and she took a stumbling step; nothing to do with the booze, just the absolutely surreal atmosphere. She turned to Miranda, “What-?”

“Go.” Miranda took a place at the bar, while Liara wandered in. Saw Jane sitting at the piano, flanked by Jack and a young man she didn’t recognize. Liara opened her mouth to walk to the stage, her face a mask of calm inquisition despite her twirling, fluttering insides. Her heart pounded in her chest. She was transported back in time, back to a Coffee House so many, many years ago, here, on this very spot she realized; _standing in this very spot, watching her play; for me._

Shepard began to play, the piano tinkling like raindrops; like the snowflakes that had fallen around her as Shepard looked up from under her window; like her laugh, light and lovely; like the lights of Serrice, sparkling in her eyes.

_‘Someday, I'll stop trying and I'll know_

_How much time I've wasted always wanting more,_

_I doubt you'll end up where you need to be with me_

_I tend to run in circles wallowing in my own sea,_

She stared right at her, a smile in her green eyes.

_I can run and play and dive into the ocean_

_I can touch the sand and feel it slip away.’_

_‘You could follow me_

_I don't know where I'm going_

_You could follow me_

_You could follow me_

_It might not be the smartest thing to do_

_But you could follow me’_

Liara gasped, almost silently; unheard by anyone. Clasped her hands over her face, hiding a grin.

_‘I want you to be happier than me_

_I'm a poor example of a carefree human being,_

_Here's a list of things I wish to be:_

_Your pillow and your blanket and your lifetime guarantee,_

_I can love you all the way across the ocean_

_And I doubt that that will ever go away.’_

_‘You could follow me_

_I don't know where I'm going_

_You could follow me_

_You could follow me_

_It might not be the smartest thing to do_

_But you could follow me’_

_‘If I ever stop believing there's a reason for my life,_

_I might as well stop trying to make sense of what is right…’_

Shepard began to grin as well, nodding to her so much like that day.

_‘You could follow me_

_You could follow me_

_I don't know where I'm going_

_You could follow me_

_You could follow me_

_It might not be the smartest thing to do_

_But you_ should _follow me’_

 

Winked. Liara wiped at her eyes, laughing softly. Looked back at Miri, who seemed to be having the same problem. The song ended and Liara looked on as Shepard stepped around the piano and jumped off the stage. She stopped in front of her, licking her lips and rubbing the back of her neck. Liara’s stomach boiled.

“Liara,” she cleared her throat; had barely spoken above a murmur. “Liara, you have followed me across the galaxy; I followed-“ the tears welled in her eyes and she choked on her sob, “followed you back from death; but _this_ is where _we_ really began. This is where I want our new life to start.

I will follow you anywhere; will you follow me?” She dropped to one knee, eyes shining, and opened the box in her hand where a ring flashed in the candlelight. “Will you marry me?” Liara began to openly cry, hands covering just her mouth; nodded, over and over,

“Yes.”

Shepard let out a whoop and slipped the gold ring onto her finger, the diamond sparking; the sapphires inlaid along the band the same colour as her eyes. “Of course, Jane, yes.” She pulled her to her feet and kissed her; hard, fierce, full of joy and tears. Shepard lifted her, spinning her around and holding her tight. When they stopped twirling she leaned into her ear,

“I love you.” She fished around in her pocket and brought out another box, longer and leaner. “I didn’t know-uh, I didn’t want to offend, and Aria was no help- here.” She held out a bracelet, silver and rose gold intertwined; like them, red and blue, rusty and shining. Liara smiled as she clasped it around her slender wrist.

“I will follow you anywhere, Shepard.”

**The End**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Absolutely did NOT write the lyrics (in italics in the chapter) the copyright for this great tune is as follows: 
> 
> BETTENS, SARAH  
> Published by  
> Lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

**Author's Note:**

> Work contains dialogue recognizable and lifted from all three Mass Effect games, and therefore those words belong to Bioware and are simply being borrowed by me to create this AU.


End file.
